Friends and family can’t relate

[daylatedollarshort]

We live in a conspicuous consumption area and when someone mentioned at a party once with people our age that we were retired and had been for several years, it was like the death eaters came and sucked all the joy out of the room. I kind of took that to mean there were a lot of big hat, no cattle types there. Otherwise why would they care if people they didn't know all that well, retired in their 50s, retired at 30 or worked until 80?

 

[aja8888]

We live in a conspicuous consumption area and when someone mentioned at a party once with people our age that we were retired and had been for several years, it was like the death eaters came and sucked all the joy out of the room. I kind of took that to mean there were a lot of big hat, no cattle types there. Otherwise why would they care if people they didn't know all that well, retired in their 50s, retired at 30 or worked until 80?

But with all the big money made on California real estate in the last decade, it should be no surprise that many folks (who cashed out) have the funds to retire and live a LBYM lifestyle. Or even a conservative one.

All my wife's siblings in Ca (3 of them), most of whom have been there since the 1970's are retired from selling overpriced real estate and downsizing. One has hit it big with tech stocks early on and is living very large.

 

[brucethebroker]

It’s like telling everyone that you won the lottery and expecting them to be happy for you when they know they will not share in any of the benefits. Some don’t like being shown that it is possible and it forces them to face their own behavior, others will never have the chance for other reasons.

+1. Lots of jealousy, anger and resentment out there.

OP, exactly how do you expect of people who have spent every penny they ever made, never saved, not learned about investments and ignored the future? Those who never bought stocks have the "I'm not going to expose my savings to a 50% drop in value" excuse. Those who never bought investment real estate have the "I'm not going to be a landlord and fix clogged toilets at midnight" excuse. Those who never save money have the "I'm investing in experiences instead" excuse.

Most of us have had the same experience you are having. My DW told me early on to "keep quiet-this (retirement) isn't for everyone." And that is great advice.

Except on this forum, of course, keep talk'in here.....

 

[Bryan Barnfellow]

I always felt the reaction to my ER by families and friends helped me a great deal - to understand who my real friends were. They were the ones that were happy for me, and supportive. Our relationships became better and stronger as a result.

The others reacted with pettiness, snark, and other types of negativity - not that I expected anything different. Many of the views others in this thread have related. My interpretation, correct or not, has always been that this negativity is not about me, it’s about them and their inability, for whatever reason, to achieve the same thing. I stopped losing sleep over this long ago. Life is just too short and there’s too much still to enjoy.

MichaelB, I am sitting here furious for you just reading your story! Here's a present-day virtual toast to you for your achievement back then, to make up for the one denied you by your family members.

In a similar vein, my story: While I was still w*rking, I got a j*b offer for a new position and told my good friend and his wife that evening when we saw them briefly. He was also looking at that time. He frowned at me and walked away, without a word. His wife, also dead silent. I looked at my wife as if to say, "WTF?" She rolled her eyes. After that our relationship with them drifted fast and is now non existent.

-BB

 

[MichaelB]

MichaelB, I am sitting here furious for you just reading your story! Here's a present-day virtual toast to you for your achievement back then, to make up for the one denied you by your family members.

Thank you kindly, and I raise my virtual glass in return. Salud. ER is a personal achievement well worth celebrating.

In a similar vein, my story: While I was still w*rking, I got a j*b offer for a new position and told my good friend and his wife that evening when we saw them briefly. He was also looking at that time. He frowned at me and walked away, without a word. His wife, also dead silent. I looked at my wife as if to say, "WTF?" She rolled her eyes. After that our relationship with them drifted fast and is now non existent.

-BB

That’s a shame. Your former friend must have some deeply rooted issues. I’m no psychologist, but I’ve always interpreted these reactions as signs the the individuals are unhappy with their own achievements in life, or have some mild personality disorders.

 

[Winemaker]

I always felt the reaction to my ER by families and friends helped me a great deal - to understand who my real friends were. They were the ones that were happy for me, and supportive. Our relationships became better and stronger as a result.

The others reacted with pettiness, snark, and other types of negativity - not that I expected anything different. Many of the views others in this thread have related. My interpretation, correct or not, has always been that this negativity is not about me, it’s about them and their inability, for whatever reason, to achieve the same thing. I stopped losing sleep over this long ago. Life is just too short and there’s too much still to enjoy.

I, too, Micheal, will raise a toast to you this evening with a bottle of my 2015 Zinfandel Reserve, one of my favorite creations. I understand your situation well, our announcement 4 years ago went over like a lead balloon.

I received my first dose of dripping, green envy in May when DSis said that "not everyone has a rich brother and SIL that retires at 56". I told her she should consider herself lucky, because she does.

 

[Amethyst]

It sounds as if he was hoping to get the job that you got. Maybe they were even counting on it.

Their reaction was immature, but I've seen worse - I had a guy at work literally blow up at me, on finding out I'd been selected for a job he wanted. Called me an "affirmative action pick" because I was a woman (it also amounted to a dig at the selection official, who happened to be African American). This was almost 30 years ago, so he was able to get away with his little tantrum.

In a similar vein, my story: While I was still w*rking, I got a j*b offer for a new position and told my good friend and his wife that evening when we saw them briefly. He was also looking at that time. He frowned at me and walked away, without a word. His wife, also dead silent. I looked at my wife as if to say, "WTF?" She rolled her eyes. After that our relationship with them drifted fast and is now non existent.

-BB

 

[MichaelB]

I, too, Micheal, will raise a toast to you this evening with a bottle of my 2015 Zinfandel Reserve, one of my favorite creations. I understand your situation well, our announcement 4 years ago went over like a lead balloon.

I received my first dose of dripping, green envy in May when DSis said that "not everyone has a rich brother and SIL that retires at 56". I told her she should consider herself lucky, because she does.

I salute you in return, and look forward to someday tasting that fine wine of yours.

Your sister and mine have made similar comments, but your response was much better than mine.

 

[scrabbler1]

One thing I'd like to add to the generally positive reactions to my telling some others I have ERed. The people I tell often have a stake in my added availability due to being retired. The local school Scrabble groups benefit greatly from my being available during the day on weekdays. So, they are not going to alienate me. Same for my fellow square dancers, because not working during the day enabled me to dance with them at night more.

 

[Breedlove]

My DW works for a Mega corp. …..she has given her resignation but she has been offered a good deal to work part time and write a tech manual for their shop . But they had Vangard come in and talk to the employees about their 401(K) . When she had here one on one she was told she was very good shape and on target . She asked doesn't everyone buy into the program . The Vangard rep whispered to her that less then 15% of her company invest the max. Many don't even participate .

 

[brett]

I worked for a large multinational tech firm. Lots of smart, well educated folks.

We had two plans. I was astonished when our DC plan manager told us that fewer than 50 percent of members contributed the max in order to get the maximum company match funds. The second surprise was that well under 10 percent or so ever logged in, re-visited their investment allocations or made changes to same.

It was somewhat similar for members of the grandfathered DB plan. It was hybrid-no employee contributions were required for the standard DB. But there was an optional enhancement selection. The employee could contribute 3 percent and get a company match of 1.5 percent. Again, surprisingly few employees took advantage of this.

Every year we made a point of ensuring that all employees were aware of this AND how attractive the offerings were from a financial perspective. It was like leaving part of your salary on the table.

Common sense is not as common as one would think, especially when it comes to basic personal financial strategies.

 

[big-papa]

I have to admit, when I was in my 20's and my best friend started making similar comments, I was also in eye-roll mode. Time passed and I got religion and now I'm on the cusp of FI at 57. But so are most of my closest friends, many of which are more than willing to discuss financial matters - just not down to the final details that involve actual dollar amounts, which is AOK with me.


On the family side, parents are both passed, so it's only siblings and I come from a large family. All but 2 of my older siblings are now retired and doing fine. My younger sister and her husband are almost there as well. My youngest brother is more of a free spirit and I wish him the best. But other than the best question of all from my older siblings "When are you going to retire", we generally wouldn't discuss these types of things anyway...

 

[daylatedollarshort]

But with all the big money made on California real estate in the last decade, it should be no surprise that many folks (who cashed out) have the funds to retire and live a LBYM lifestyle. Or even a conservative one.

All my wife's siblings in Ca (3 of them), most of whom have been there since the 1970's are retired from selling overpriced real estate and downsizing. One has hit it big with tech stocks early on and is living very large.

We do have a LBYMs lifestyle but we still have the same house and still live in a HCOL area. We bought our house along time ago so it is not that expensive for us to live here.

We know people who hit it big in tech stocks and ended up broke like the lottery winners. They could have retired in their 40s and never had to work again.

 

[exnavynuke]

My DW works for a Mega corp. …..she has given her resignation but she has been offered a good deal to work part time and write a tech manual for their shop . But they had Vangard come in and talk to the employees about their 401(K) . When she had here one on one she was told she was very good shape and on target . She asked doesn't everyone buy into the program . The Vangard rep whispered to her that less then 15% of her company invest the max. Many don't even participate .

When he said max, there's a good chance he meant "max to get the full company matching" and not the IRS max contribution limits...

 

[HI Bill]

That's not an apology. A genuine apology contains the following elements:

1. I acknowledge what I did was wrong and offensive. "if I offended" doesn't cut it - you did offend.

2. I acknowledge that you were harmed by my wrongful conduct.

3. I regret my actions.

4. I have or will remedy the harm I have caused you and otherwise make such amends as are necessary.

5. I promise that I will not do it again.


Yours contained none of these and merely reiterated that you were right to have said what you did.

Gumby - another liberal who started with nothing, worked hard all his life and now quite enjoys being rich.

I like your points. With 2 caveats. #2: In this case, how did I harm someone from my conduct? How was my conduct wrong? #4:
it is often impossible to remedy the harm caused to someone entirely (apologizing, even publicly, often cannot make the problem go away, especially if there was public exposure; while you can try to make amends, the damage may be irreparable.

I am genuinely sorry if I offended someone if it was because I insulted them directly, or actually caused them harm, or used slander. However, in this case, I don't believe I caused them harm, slandered them personally, or insulted them personally. The person feeling insulted read a lot into my statement (which was not directed at them), and took it personally, which it was not (I don't know the person)!

 

[JustCurious]

Money, religion and politics the third rails among many family members. Money might be the trickiest of all.

Don't forget sex.

 

[HI Bill]

I am a liberal.I am deeply offended by your implication that liberals are lazy and careless with money.

I never implied that...I stated that the liberal press often includes this bias in their stories.

 

[HI Bill]

So I'm not seeing where the poster said anything like this about you..or liberals in general. IMO the real problem that there is both liberal and conservative press instead of just press. Whatever happened to just the facts please and press opinions being clearly labeled on the editorial pages? This mixing of facts and opinions in the mainstream media is leading to massive discord and lack of rational thinking in this country.

Correct! Unfortunately, just like with Congress, there seem to be no centrists, and no unbiased press anymore....

 

[HI Bill]

A few days after I quit my job I had lunch with DM. My sister and her DH joined us (not sure why and don’t remember). No one knew, I was really happy that day, told everyone at the table, and ordered some mimosas so we could celebrate. My sister and her DH didn’t touch the drink and refused the toast, and she told me I had ruined her lunch and day.

Wow, very sorry. It's amazing to me when people can't be happy for others who have accomplished something great!

 

[Walt34]

Wow, very sorry. It's amazing to me when people can't be happy for others who have accomplished something great!

We ran into that a bit when we paid off the house ~1990. Not as terrific as accumulating enough to RE but a significant step along the way. My two sisters were happy for us but some other relatives were not. It didn't take long for me to learn to exercise my right to remain silent.

 

[Gumby]

I like your points. With 2 caveats. #2: In this case, how did I harm someone from my conduct? How was my conduct wrong? #4:
it is often impossible to remedy the harm caused to someone entirely (apologizing, even publicly, often cannot make the problem go away, especially if there was public exposure; while you can try to make amends, the damage may be irreparable.

I am genuinely sorry if I offended someone if it was because I insulted them directly, or actually caused them harm, or used slander. However, in this case, I don't believe I caused them harm, slandered them personally, or insulted them personally. The person feeling insulted read a lot into my statement (which was not directed at them), and took it personally, which it was not (I don't know the person)!

Thanks for your response. You are of course correct that every situation is unique, but I have screwed up many times in my life and know those are the generic elements of an apology [ie - not the politician kind] In this case, the problem was, I think, that you ascribed the position that the rich are unfairly rich and poor people cannot become rich as a liberal position. Casting it as an attack on the press rather than on liberal people does not change anything. It is still an implication that people with liberal political leanings deny the role of individual agency in our lives.

I think the actual point you were trying to make is that some people have an external locus of control - life is something that happens to them. Others have an internal locus of control- life is something they make happen. In my experience, this is independent of one's political leanings. For example, I have heard very conservative preachers and their congregations assert that it is solely the will of God whether you are rich or poor.

My own view is that many of the people whining about how unfair life is would be better served by getting off their butts and working to make their own lives better. At the same time, however, we would be fools not to notice that some people face systemic hurdles that others don't. To the extent we can eliminate these unfair disadvantages so that we all can achieve what our abilities and hard work can bring us, we should do so.

We are so quick in this country to generalize people, ascribe a fixed belief to all of them and then attack that ascribed belief. It is neither helpful nor right.

 

[HI Bill]

Casting it as an attack on the press rather than on liberal people does not change anything. It is still an implication that people with liberal political leanings deny the role of individual agency in our lives.

You are correct...I misstated, and did not use the term ultra-liberal; certainly all liberal writers/thinkers aren't this biased. Both the extreme left and right are biased in their thoughts (and articles they write, or shows they produce). Everyone needs to acknowledge bias in reporting. It's real and pervasive. Adding fuel to the bias we see are uniformed writers who do little research before publishing opinion articles online. People read these, and many don't question them, especially if the points contained therein fall within their sphere of belief.

Let's all give credit to those who are able to succeed despite, or because of the challenges they face.

 

[mbooth]

Look, if all this acknowledging the other's point of view and civility continues, I'm afraid I may have to refrain from my daily visits to this board and just frequent reddit and 4chan!

 

[gayl]

We simply don't talk about it with anybody in real life. That's what websites like this are for! Even once I fully retire I might pretend I am still "consulting."

I say I work seasonally PT

 

[iloveyoga]

I know this has been discussed previously, so this is really just me venting.

In the past few years I’ve decided that I just don’t want to work much longer. My career just no longer interests me, to the point of making me mildly depressed at having to go to work every day. It really has become a struggle, and for my own mental well being I need to retire. I’m on the cusp of FI, and honestly I could retire today, but want to save just a little more money so that I don’t have to decrease my post RE spending very much.

I’ve been working very hard at downsizing, cutting expenses, redistributing savings, etc. A large portion of my mental activity revolves around setting myself up for RE.

The irritating part is that this thing (FIRE) that is very important to me, occupies a lot of my thoughts, drives my actions, simply cannot be discussed with anyone. My friends either can’t relate or just don’t want to talk about it because they aren’t anywhere close to being able to retire. My family members either think I’m crazy or are jealous. My mother, whom I’ve always been very honest with about my financial situation, just got remarried. When I had the usual finance conversation with her, I could feel the resentment from my new step father, as if he thought I was just bragging about it. So now I can’t even discuss this with my mother any more.

It’s just frustrating that family and people that I consider good friends really are not interested in hearing about something that is very important to me, while I always try to show interest in whatever they are passionate about.

Thanks for listening. Lol

That's why I went looking for and found this board.