how to best help an aging parent

[Orchidflower]

My father was in a similar situation at 82. We all told him to declare bankruptcy and stiff the credit card companies. He insisted on paying his business debts off, and the only reason for that could have been that somewhere in LaLaVille (where he must have been living) he thought he would start another business at that age. So, he paid it all off...and ended up with absolutely no money hardly at all. It was stupid, and we kids were right. And, of course, he was left with no money to start another business even if he could have.
THIS from a man who would screw anyone over for money--particularly his relatives--and he insisted on paying his business debts. Go figure?

 

[DangerMouse]

I think in large part whether or not a financial intervention can be successful or not is likely linked to whether the party in trouble is asking for help to find a solution to their problem or if it is a concerned family member trying to help someone who is obviously in trouble out of their situation.

My mother is currently in a situation where she has credit card debt she cannot pay. I refuse to pay it, a pensioner with her income should never have been approved for what she was given. I have told my siblings, none of whom are able to kick in any money that she needs to declare bankruptcy. Like Orchidflower, my mother is insisting on trying to pay when she can pay no more than the minimum payment so the debt is never going to be paid off. If I did pay off the cards, approx. $10k, I would put money on her running up a similar amount again within a couple of years. She will never change her behaviour because she is not willing to admit there is an issue. My issue with paying off the debt is my mother has taken these cards and my sister is the one who has maxed them out but will not pay.

 

[macnjus]

I also have parents who have over-extended on cards and can't pay it back. They have approx. $150K in home equity, and owe $32K on CC's and $15.8K to the IRS. The IRS debt is scheduled for 10 $1580 installments, and the cards are min payment 1600 per month. Their total income is about $30K from SS, with nothing else and no cash left, as they infromed me last night. I have the ability to pay this for them, and I am contemplating many options, including buying their house from them and relieving them of the $211K mortgage.

Question : can they declare bankruptcy and stiff the card companies ? Or does their home equity preclude this option ?

 

[Orchidflower]

DangerMouse, sorry to say this but our sister sounds like a creep. What a dilemma for you and your mother. What's that old saying about you can pick your friends, but...

 

[IndependentlyPoor]

It is ironic and sad how quickly the parent/child role reversal can occur.

The real heartache of growing older is not crow's feet, or aches and pains, but caring for aging, and eventually dying, parents. It is shockingly difficult, emotionally, financially, and logistically... and most of us are totally unprepared for it.

Best wishes to you.

 

[DangerMouse]

DangerMouse, sorry to say this but our sister sounds like a creep. What a dilemma for you and your mother. What's that old saying about you can pick your friends, but...

Actually you would be surprised, my sister is a really nice person and if you met her you would probably like her. Even though she has financially stripped my mother for the past 20+ years since she moved home after her divorce and dumped her children on my parents to be raised, my mother is still in denial about what actually happens. The truth is my mother does not like me at all, she does not like that I have made a success of my life. She also does not like me because I won't indulge her whining. If you have a problem I will listen to it the first time, but don't complain to me every time you see me. I told her unless she was prepared to do something about it I didn't want to hear it. I know that they will want me to pay the debt with the promise that they will pay me back but it will never happen. Last time my sister borrowed $800 from me it took 3 years before I saw any of it back. An obligation to me, rates a lot lower than going to buy a couple of hundred dollars of books or CD or DVDs that you can't afford.

The stupid thing is my sister is intelligent, probably has an IQ over 140 and makes good money. However, you can sit down and do a budget with her, show that if you make $100 you can only spend that amount but she will the next day go and spend $140 without a care in the world. She has no common sense, lives in a fantasy world where the universe will always look after you. When she was having troubles with her children, both of which are a mess due to her poor parenting skills, she would go and get her tarot cards read to find out what she should do about the situation.

As you say you can not choose your family. It will be coming to a head as for the first time since my father's funeral 12 years ago, next month my 3 siblings and myself are going to be in the same location, so I'm bringing up the financial situation in front of all of them with my mother present so there can be none of the usual misrepresentation of what has been said. I'm going to be making it clear that I will not pay the debt, my mother needs to declare bankruptcy and I will only provide financial situation if my mother removes herself from my sister's clutches as I refuse to fund my sister's lifestyle.