Living With Older Children By Choice

[Fedup]

I wouldn't mind buy in the same block, but no shared housing. I like my own space. It would be very uncomfortable with living with other people. My mom stayed by herself the last few years, even when she got sick. Only much later did she have people to come and care for her, companion thing.

 

[meierlde]

I suspect multigenerational living historically was the default. When I go back in my family history I find a number of cases where the child who inherited the farm had the mother live with them (check census records and you see mother listed as one of the occupants of the farm.) Typically in the cases in my family, because the father tended to die before the mother, the farm went to the descendant, on the understanding that the mother could stay there as long as needed.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I suspect multigenerational living historically was the default. When I go back in my family history I find a number of cases where the child who inherited the farm had the mother live with them (check census records and you see mother listed as one of the occupants of the farm.) Typically in the cases in my family, because the father tended to die before the mother, the farm went to the descendant, on the understanding that the mother could stay there as long as needed.

I noticed from doing some genealogy research with census records in my family tree not only were there often multiple related families in one household but often an unrelated boarder or two as well.

 

[aaronc879]

I think it's a great idea from a financial stand point. However, if I was retired or nearly retired, then I couldn't imagine being willing to share a house if I had plenty of money. I proposed this type of living situation with my parents who were recently retired, both due to health, and were always complaining about lack of money. My Mom was willing but my Dad insisted on having more space to himself so I bought my own home a few blocks away. Could have saved big money by sharing. Oh well.

 

[EastWest Gal]

My dad lived with us for a few months when we moved him across country and we we're all miserable from his drinking, smoking related chronic bronchitis, and shouting in his sleep. But our 25 year old DS, DH and I, we all get along great and do music activities together. DS would like to work full time and get benefits, but in the meantime his two professional part time jobs leave him pretty satisfied with his life, and we all contribute to household functioning.

So DS gets to build his nest egg at minimal cost to us and himself. I can't help seeing this as a win-win. Our large enough house gives all of us the privacy we need.

My dad grew up in a 3 generation rural farm household. My next door neighbors growing up--the son stayed in the house and lives in it still. I had a coworker living with her parents and sister--she is now 40. My husband's best friend had the same situation. He lived years under his parents' roof, then bought a condo a mile away, and moved back into the home of his childhood and is there now, at age 60. That paid for home is worth $1M in the heart of Silicon Valley. Financially he is way ahead.

As long as DS feels he is living his life his way, I'm ok with it. It works.

All this means we live the life we want to live, regardless what life is "supposed" to be, whatever that means. I cried when he went off to college. Little did I know that six years later we would not be empty nesters. He is still here, and it does not bother me. As a mom, I am really selfishly content with it. He is living the same life he would otherwise live, just rent free.

Also, he knows about our financial situation. There is no point for a clean living good person such as DS to not know he is secure, and to learn about working and investing. He saw us take care of my parents through illness and death, saw my mom's psychosis from steroids and later from lung cancer, our taking care of dad while working full time and still figuring out how to devote time to him in high school. Because we kept him involved in this, he knows we will likely give him some difficult times at the end of our lives. I mention it occasionally, and have apologized in advance for those inevitable challenges.

He does kind things for us and with us. He remains part of our lives. I know he will launch himself when he is ready. It is a topic of earnest and honest discussion in our household.

My niece hated her parents and moved out after college. Three years later, she dumped the boyfriend, works in a dream job, but lived 15 minutes from home, worked a second job alongside her dad at a ski resort this winter, and has taken up mountain climbing as a hobby. She is grateful to be near her parents.

I'm thinking the nuclear family may be a 20th century anomaly.

 

[Ally]

Our daughter and her husband have a ranch and built a large home with an accessible suite at one end in case we ever need to live there in the future. We didn't ask them to do this. It's where we stay when we visit and we both enjoy it there. We travel with them often (with our grandchildren, too) and so far, we all get along well. I could see it as a possibility under the right circumstances.

 

[athena53]

Sometimes Mom or Dad's SS is needed to pay the bills. Years ago my mother's neighbor across the street was a woman who'd sold her house and moved in with her son and daughter-in-law. I believe the proceeds from her house and her SS helped to pay for it. It wasn't working out and she didn't have any way to get out of it. If I ever move in with DS and DDIL I want it to be something that can be undone if it doesn't work.

When I lived in a very expensive area in NJ, the house down the street was 3 generations. At one point they had a fire destroy a lot of the house and TWO trailers were put on the property for everyone to live in while the house was rebuilt. Not a pretty sight. Apparently they all got along- the arrangement lasted the 7 years I lived there.

 

[kcowan]

We escaped from the family by moving 2000 miles away and this put an end to the Sunday dinners. But we compensated by having each of our parents out for a month. At the end of those months it was always a tearful goodbye because we had become an extended family. I think the kids got a better relationship with their grandparents because of those annual trips for 8 years.

So I guess I would support an extended family approach as long as there were no serious personality conflicts.

My good friend had a grannies flat for 10 years, then bought her a townhouse when he moved into the city.

 

[savory]

My dad lived with us for a few months when we moved him across country and we we're all miserable from his drinking, smoking related chronic bronchitis, and shouting in his sleep. But our 25 year old DS, DH and I, we all get along great and do music activities together. DS would like to work full time and get benefits, but in the meantime his two professional part time jobs leave him pretty satisfied with his life, and we all contribute to household functioning.

So DS gets to build his nest egg at minimal cost to us and himself. I can't help seeing this as a win-win. Our large enough house gives all of us the privacy we need.

My dad grew up in a 3 generation rural farm household. My next door neighbors growing up--the son stayed in the house and lives in it still. I had a coworker living with her parents and sister--she is now 40. My husband's best friend had the same situation. He lived years under his parents' roof, then bought a condo a mile away, and moved back into the home of his childhood and is there now, at age 60. That paid for home is worth $1M in the heart of Silicon Valley. Financially he is way ahead.

As long as DS feels he is living his life his way, I'm ok with it. It works.

All this means we live the life we want to live, regardless what life is "supposed" to be, whatever that means. I cried when he went off to college. Little did I know that six years later we would not be empty nesters. He is still here, and it does not bother me. As a mom, I am really selfishly content with it. He is living the same life he would otherwise live, just rent free.

Also, he knows about our financial situation. There is no point for a clean living good person such as DS to not know he is secure, and to learn about working and investing. He saw us take care of my parents through illness and death, saw my mom's psychosis from steroids and later from lung cancer, our taking care of dad while working full time and still figuring out how to devote time to him in high school. Because we kept him involved in this, he knows we will likely give him some difficult times at the end of our lives. I mention it occasionally, and have apologized in advance for those inevitable challenges.

He does kind things for us and with us. He remains part of our lives. I know he will launch himself when he is ready. It is a topic of earnest and honest discussion in our household.

My niece hated her parents and moved out after college. Three years later, she dumped the boyfriend, works in a dream job, but lived 15 minutes from home, worked a second job alongside her dad at a ski resort this winter, and has taken up mountain climbing as a hobby. She is grateful to be near her parents.

I'm thinking the nuclear family may be a 20th century anomaly.

Our stories are different but our sentiments about our living arrangement are similar

 

[Goonie]

I started working full-time, swing-shift immediately out of high school, and when I wasn't working I was either traveling or involved in social activities all of the time, so I was seldom home. And a few years later both of the folks retired, and they were always on the go and traveling, so they were also seldom home.

My siblings (both older) had flown the coop several years before, so I was the only one left in the area. Pops charged me $50 a week room & board, plus I took care of all of the upkeep and maintenance here at the old homestead. It worked out well for all of us because we got along fairly well together, and I was seldom home anyway.

As the folks got older, they were both happy to have me around to assist when they needed it. Then when Pops passed away back in '98, ol' Ma didn't have to worry about rattling along alone in an empty house, and having to pay to have things repaired or maintained, because I was still here doing what I'd been doing for the previous 23 years.....household (free) handyman. Ol' Ma just turned 90 last month and is still in excellent health, and though she's no longer driving (by her choice), she does her thing, and I do mine. Besides doing all of the upkeep,and maintenance here at the homestead, I also do all the grocery shopping and all of the cooking. She does the dishes and the laundry.

Our situation has worked out well for all of us for the past 42+ years.

My sister and her daughter and son in law bought a home together a couple of years ago. Although the house was originally a two story, single family home, it had been converted to an upstairs and a downstairs apartment. My sister lives in the lower level, and her daughter and family live in the upper level. They often share meals together, and do some socializing together. And it works out very well for my niece, since granny is living downstairs and is available to babysit when needed. It's a win-win, because the babysitter is close by (and free), plus granny gets plenty of opportunity to spoil the crap out of the little rugrat!




LIFE IS AWESOME!!!

 

[Texas Proud]

Yea... I guess it can go the other way.... did not even think about this...

I have a niece who is married to someone who makes LOTS of money... they live in a nice house with their 2 kids... but her DH's dad lives on the side of the garage in a trailer... been living there for 10+ years...

Funny that I forgot about this....

 

[brucethebroker]

Sometimes Mom or Dad's SS is needed to pay the bills. Years ago my mother's neighbor across the street was a woman who'd sold her house and moved in with her son and daughter-in-law. I believe the proceeds from her house and her SS helped to pay for it. It wasn't working out and she didn't have any way to get out of it. If I ever move in with DS and DDIL I want it to be something that can be undone if it doesn't work.

Yep....+1. We have a friend whose kids sucked the money out of dear parent after they combined households, then kicked him/her to the curb when the money was spent. Nothing left and had to start over.......

Let them pay their own way, and maybe pay some "rent", utilities and food costs. But keep your own money and investments in case the arrangements need "undoing".

 

[Dash man]

My FIL is living with us while his DW is in assisted living/memory care. He spends all day with her and comes home after dinner. He's welcome to stay with us as long as he wants. We don't expect nor want any rent from him. He raised five kids, and is now dealing with a wife who rarely recognizes him, so he deserves to have one less worry.

 

[street]

Not sure if some of you saw the article on this a week ago. It had ND, SD, WY as the least states that children live with their parents. I didn't go through the whole list of what states were at the top of children living with parents.

 

[Taxman59]

DM lived alone for 12 years after my Dad passed away. Youngest sister and hubby lived about 15 minutes away and visited often. As DM aged, she noticed a slowing down and was afraid of needing a nursing home. DS and BIL moved in with her last fall, and DM has been doing better. It was Mom's idea, and 2 of the three other kids agreed. the other daughter was "put in her place" by Mom, with the explanation that this was Mom's idea, and there was nothing that the daughter could do to change it. Not too sure what the problem was unless there was a fear of losing some future inheritance.
Not for everyone, but it is a solution for some.

 

[pjigar]

Let me chime in a different perspective. Lot of households in India are multigenerational. My observations growing up in India can be summed up in following:
- Cultural norms
- Mutual needs (child care, finances, etc. )
- Sense of duty to parents

Not all such households in India are pretty. Some have frictions and some are very happy. Siblings living together is also common.

So if expectations are set early on in children and there is clear understanding of responsibilities then multigenerational households can work.

 

[imoldernu]

Let me chime in a different perspective. Lot of households in India are multigenerational. My observations growing up in India can be summed up in following:
- Cultural norms
- Mutual needs (child care, finances, etc. )
- Sense of duty to parents

Not all such households in India are pretty. Some have frictions and some are very happy. Siblings living together is also common.

So if expectations are set early on in children and there is clear understanding of responsibilities then multigenerational households can work.

Excellent... In Japan it is called "kazoku".. the family system that goes back to the year 600BCE... while this changed somewhat after WWII as the status of women changed, the general rule is to keep the family together and supportive. A general description of this "together" is that if the family members do not live in the same house, they should live close enough to
"carry a bowl of hot soup" between the homes.

Depending on the future status of medicaid, for many less secure seniors, a return to mother-in-law apartments could be in the cards.

I am old enough to remember when many of my friends' families had one or both grandparents living with them. Not at all unusual. The other, much less positive part of this is that many children watched their grandparents die in their homes. 1940's.

At the time, there were no nursing homes as we know them. Persons with no money or relatives to help, were relegated to "poor farms"... usually out in the country, and isolated, with few visitors and mosty out of the public eye. Generally accepted as a place to die. Very little positive medical care or opportunities for rehabilitation.

 

[Bikechuck]

An interesting thread as I retire next week and my wife by year end. While we have not talked about moving in with my daughter, SIL and granddaughters we have discussed relocating and purchasing a condo in the Madison Wi area within walking distance of their house.

Arguments for this are that it would put us in a position to help with child care and enable them to save tens of thousands of dollars over the next 5-10 years. We enjoy spending time with our grandchildren and it would add a "purpose" to our retirement years. In turn our daughter, SIL and granddaughters would be in a position to help us as we age.

Arguing against this is that our resources are such that we should only move once. People are increasingly mobile today and no job is truly secure. Just about the time we move to Wi their job situation could change and they could move to seek a better opportunity or be forced to move. Also arguing against this is that Wisconsin is the not the state that I would choose to move to if we did not have family in the state. I always hoped to retire to Colorado and return to the state that I lived in while in graduate school. I guess we could rent rather than buy but I like the security of a paid off house or condo and feel that it helps to some degree in protecting finances from inflation.

Right now we are conflicted about this. If we do move to Wi. I would prefer two separate residences rather than one shared property. It makes unwinding the situation much easier and there are situations where the arrangement might need to be unwound. These arrangements are much easier to get into than get out of.

 

[pacergal]

My grandparents lived with us for about 4 years when I was in high school. It was wonderful from my perspective! In talking with my parents when I was older, it seemed to work out for them also.
Both of our kids have mentioned wanting to have space in their future homes for us if needed. I could/would be able to do it without problem, not sure about DH. Definitely would work out finances and other issues beforehand.
Many of the builders around here are starting to have in law suites/wings in the homes, with bedroom, bath, small living area. If not , then they have at least two master suites.

 

[pjigar]

For the record, my mom lived with us until she passed away and my dad is too independent to live with us so he refuses to stay with us. My one child is special needs so he will stay with us forever until we pass away.

 

[jollystomper]

My culture is similar, it is considered an honor to take care of your parents. After Dad died Mom was just 66 and still very active at the time. One sister, who was still single, lived with her, but since the house was like a duplex they each had their separate spaces so it worked out well. My other siblings and I all had room to take Mom in, if needed. When her health started failing Sis took major care of her until she passed away. The rest of us (anywhere from 30 minutes to 12 hours away) would come up at times to spell our sister, and we also hired a home aid. Mom greatly appreciated it, felt guilty about us doing this, and tried not be an inconvenience to any of us... which led to humorous types of arguments.

 

[Koolau]

I know at least two families in Hawaii that have had 4 generations in the same house for at least some period of time. Two and three generations together is not at all uncommon. Economically, multi-gen households makes a lot of sense - especially in the Islands where housing is a huge portion of family budgets. Culturally, such living arrangements are also encouraged. In many (maybe most) situations, harmony within multi-gen households is surprisingly abundant.

In some cases, there is a house (more or less "full size") plus a separate smaller "apartment", both on a small lot. More typically, one house is divided into floors or sections with the eldest generation taking the most desirable section/floor. There is also a commons area for cooking/eating and family socializing. YMMV

 

[bclover]

I also grew up in a multigenerational house. My grandparents lived with us as long as i remembered. Wasn't until I got to Jr. Year in HS that I realized a lot of people didn't have extended family living with them.

 

[45th Birthday]

25 year old son is living with us this summer, as he has for almost every summer of his life. He is a teacher, and works in the summer at a day camp near us, in a remote part of the US. He makes great money, and we do not ask him to contribute to the household expenses (have no need for it). He needs to bank some cash.

This summer, his girlfriend is with him. They live in his room, which is in a separate wing of the house with its own bath. The house is large and we don't feel like we are on top of each other. They leave before we get up and we usually have dinner together. He helps out with small chores around the house, and both help with dish clean-up.

It is nice, and we are all getting along. That having been said, we would not want to make this a long-term thing. We like our space, and like not having to worry whether what we make for dinner is attractive to them. Plus, we enjoy the ability to walk around the house nekkid, and to swim in the pool similarly attired.