Living With Older Children By Choice

[savory]

There was the recent post about children living at home and the best approach to get them out. About 4 years ago, we (DW, DD, & SIL) decided to reduce our footprint and live together. We had all been living in our own homes in different cities. DD finished school (second degree, older student), and we moved to the town where her new job was located. SIL works from home. We are fully retired.

It seems most multi-generational households are the consequence of children who need financial help or parents/relatives who can no longer take care of themselves. The popular literature does not discuss house sharing by choice.

I was curious, are there others that have made the choice we have in terms of multi-generational living arrangement? ('By choice' means to me that household members prefer this multi-generational lifestyle even though they have the financial means and/or health that would allow them change their living arrangement).

 

[Texas Proud]

I chimed in the other thread..... but yours is much different...


The other one is about a child who is mooching off of parents.... parents who want them OUT... a big difference than a mutual agreement where the child is working and putting money toward the household and not mooching...

I have zero interest in doing this, but who knows when I am older...

 

[2017ish]

Agree with Texas Proud. We are unlikely to do this, but it presents many benefits as long as everyone is onboard.

My four cousins grew up sharing a duplex with our widowed grandmother. That worked well for all concerned, I believe. (Not certain on the finances, but I think it was dual ownership with my aunt/uncle and went to them at grandmother's death; no discord, as they did assist grandma, especially in her 80s.)

 

[Teacher Terry]

Not my cup of tea but no reason not to do it if everyone is on board.

 

[Sue J]

The 60+ year old woman across the street has her 39 year old son and his 10 year old son living with her. The reason is that the 39 year old son had a hit and run accident in 2014 while on a suspended license and having no car insurance. He has stopped paying his restitution to his victim. He is not allowed to have a license, drive or own a car. This limits his options for employment. It appears that sometimes he works for his brother, doing some kind of labor in construction.

They all seem to get along well. The 39 year old does a lot of yard work and maintenance around the house. The 10 year old is a great kid and there are plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins nearby. Outside of the legal issues it all looks fine from across the street. But when you check the county legal records......yeah, not so pretty.

 

[rodi]

We built an ADA accessible granny flat behind our house and my in laws lived in it half the year for 5 years. They weren't in the same house but were less than 100 ft away.

 

[savory]

We built an ADA accessible granny flat behind our house and my in laws lived in it half the year for 5 years. They weren't in the same house but were less than 100 ft away.

Yes, I believe that are a lot of people deciding to live with/in support of parents and children given some need; the need is often financial/health or some inability to live alone.

In our case, both couples mainly wanted to reduce their footprint. We looked at co-op living and other choices. When our DD and SIL heard we were doing this, they approached us and said they could help us meet our goal and they shared the same goal.

We negotiated a living arrangement that we felt would work for all of us. This included everything from sharing costs to requiring us to leave for 8 weeks so they could have some privacy. While we did not write it down, we have been following the agreement or at least how it has evolved, it's working great.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

I won't mention my ethnic background , but years ago , most of my background had 8-10 kids . Sunday dinner was a must attend, if you were bad someone near you gave you a slap. every holiday was like a boy scout jamboree . everyone lived in the neighborhood . the houses that once held tons of people were sort of empty , thus, usually a few of the younger children once they got married stayed with the parents .it was a given, seemed to work well . it was not to help the parents (years later they would ), or to save money . it was in my eyes a cultural thing . nowadays its the exception rather than the rule .

 

[FUEGO]

My in-laws do this. We might do it some day with our kids. Might have something to do with culture since DW is SE Asian and multi-generational living is pretty common.

Our kids are pretty great to get along with in general but a lot can change during their teen years. I think mutual respect and understanding are the keys here. Parents and children treating each other as adults.

Lots of pros - we would save a bit of money if we collect rent from a kid. One set of Netflix, internet, etc bills. Groceries in bulk. Might be nice to have grandkids in the house (or not!). Someone to house sit when we're gone for long vacations (something I hope increases when we're not in charge of watching kids under age 18). Good way to let the kid(s) turbocharge their savings.

It's not really a part of our FIRE plans but if it works out it might be nice. I'm not opposed to it because "successful adult kids shouldn't live with their parents". Seems like a silly construct like your yard should always look impeccable or you should spend 3 months salary on an engagement ring.

 

[Walt34]

I didn't actually "launch" and get an apartment until I was 25. Dad died suddenly when I was 22 and I was handy around the house to fix/maintain things. Me and Mom got along well so it worked. After college (two-year degree) I had a job and could have rented an apartment but it would have been pretty tight financially. She charged a token $40/month or something, this was early 1970's so it might have even covered what I ate. When I was hired by the police department that paid much better and I could easily afford an apartment but I stayed until my older sister boomeranged back with a 2-year-old son after a divorce. She tried to keep him quiet when I was sleeping during the day, but hey, the kid is two so he's not going to be quiet all the time. That was when I finally moved out. There was no drama to it.

 

[AllDone]

My parents are in their 80s. My husband and I talk about buying a two house or two flat arrangement from time to time, but they insist that they're doing fine on their own. My mom's younger and still a good driver.

 

[athena53]

Two examples- a coworker and his wife, probably late 50s, went in with their 2 daughters and sons-in-law and bought a gigantic house with two kitchens. Grandchildren in the mix, too. It seemed to be working out well.

My house has a lower level with 2 bedrooms, a full bath , kitchen and living area and a porch overlooking the lake. The parents of the wife of the couple who sold it to us lived there for 13 years.

I've talked to DS about eventually moving into independent living near them (3 1/2 hours away) someday. At 64, not ready for it. He said he'd rather have me live with them but I suspect DDIL's parents may need help one day- they've worked hard but at modest jobs. No need to decide yet.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

When I had jury duty last year everyone in the pool had to say who they lived with. I was surprised at the number of multi-generational households. I think that might be due partly to cultural tradition with the diverse ethnicity of our area and partly due to the cost of housing, especially combined with Prop 13. Prop 13 often makes continued living in the family home a better deal than paying rent or property taxes in a newly purchased home at current property valuations.

 

[pb4uski]

My DD and her fiance are living with his parents temporarily while saving to build a house later this year.... think both parties are fine with it temporarily but neither would not adopt it as a lifestyle choice.

I not want to live with my Mother (or sisters) or have our kids live with us.

DW's mom added a granny flat to her house, moved in there and then DW's eldest sister bought the other side. Something like that would be fine with me as long as we each had our own space.... my mother still smokes so living with us is a non-starter for both me and DW.

 

[athena53]

My DD and her fiance are living with his parents temporarily while saving to build a house later this year.... think both parties are fine with it temporarily but neither would not adopt it as a lifestyle choice.

Yeah, my parents lived with my paternal grandparents while Dad was in college. Even though they were basically good people, they my grandma lacked the warmth of my maternal grandmother and she and my grandpa used to communicate a lot by bickering- something else my maternal grandparents never did. Mom told me over and over again that you should never live with your in-laws!

 

[pb4uski]

Amen!

 

[Walt34]

Mom told me over and over again that you should never live with your in-laws!

We did live with FIL for about three weeks when I retired. The builder of the new house was late finishing it (they forgot to apply for some needed permit) and we had to be out of the old house by then. I think I got along better with him than DW did! But I could see he was happy to see us go to the new house.

 

[foxfirev5]

DW and I have a house much larger than we actually need. DS (35+) lives here and pays rent. Plus he provides security and groundskeeping when we're gone. Works for us.
If we could find another kid to take care of our lakehouse we'd truly be free.

 

[happy2bretired]

My daughter, son-in-law and I have talked some about the possibility of us having a multigenerational house at some point. We would both require our private living quarters. I can see it working for us after I'm too old for taking care of my house by myself. We all would save some money that way and I probably would feel safer with them closer.

 

[happy2bretired]

I saved this article for reference in case we decide to go that route.
https://www.forbes.com/forbes/2009/0525/066-investment-guide-09-save-big-move-grandma-in.html

 

[GravitySucks]

DD is 28 and moved home when her mom was sick about 7 years ago. She now spends most of her days at her boyfriends but spends a few nights a month at my home. She also stays at my p,ace while I travel house, cat, and dog sitting.
She doesn't pay for anything except for food when I'm not there. I like cooking for more than one when she is with me. The pet sitting is payment enough.

 

[savory]

I saved this article for reference in case we decide to go that route.
https://www.forbes.com/forbes/2009/0525/066-investment-guide-09-save-big-move-grandma-in.html

I think the Forbes article is pretty good. We rent so do not have the ownership issues of property. Nothing as of this time changed for our will or estate. Nor, do I plan to.

The last point of the article about discussing expectations was where we focused our planning energy. Perhaps we spent more time since our reasons were not as obvious as health or finance. Ours was kind of an 'arms length' discussion about issues that would make us better roommates. In some ways, not much different than you might have with a non-relative roommate.

We keep a spread sheet where we keep track of household expenses to split at the end of the month. DW and I do most of the grocery shopping, day errands that are tough for working people and public area (like the den) cleaning since time is on our side. SIL is a great cook and particular about good food so he cooks dinner about 4 times per week and prepares lunch about 3 times. Dinner time has turned out to be like Leave It To Beaver. We will have 1-2 hour dinners discussing the day, politics, their work, etc. It is so relaxing and wonderful and an end of the day we did not anticipate.

Our two months away is a good break, I think for all of us. But, it never feels like it is time to go. I just think that works.

Anyway, if you move in this direction, perhaps this will help a bit.

 

[street]

My neighbor has two grown son's with them. One is 36 and none 41 and both at home living with them (retired) and are about 65 years. They are great people not much for yard work but do keep things up.

I'm not so sure I would care for my kids to live with us but it certain situations I could see where it would be fine.

 

[Texas Proud]

I saved this article for reference in case we decide to go that route.
https://www.forbes.com/forbes/2009/0525/066-investment-guide-09-save-big-move-grandma-in.html

One of these converted a garage to be a master bedroom.... however, in neighborhoods around us a 2 car garage is mandatory... one house converted theirs to something and was forced to convert it back... I have seen a few with 3 car garage convert one of the bays...

One of our friends has an addition above their garage that is not attached to the main house... it is a single room with no kitchen, but it could be upgraded if needed...

The only way I would want something like this is if there were a separate building for the others... either mom or kids... they have their space and we have our space... we do not have to interact if we do not want, but can easily do so....

 

[Rambler]

I would be ok doing a granny flat and have the kids live in the main house, if that were something that worked with the kids' careers, and only with DD and DSIL, not wit DS and DDIL. DD and DSIL are responsible people. DS and DDIL are not. We would end up paying for everything and doing all the yard and housework, while DS in particular lazed about. Not going there...