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Old 09-25-2019, 07:58 PM   #21
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Lol. That is funny. Itís like the time my now wife and I were dating and I wanted to go to Jamaica. She was on the fence about going and I told her either she went with me or I was taking someone else. Next day she said she was going.
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Old 09-25-2019, 08:33 PM   #22
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Ok, I give....what’s a DGF? Do I need one?
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Old 09-25-2019, 08:37 PM   #23
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Ok, I give....what’s a DGF? Do I need one?
Question #1) Dear Girl Friend
Question #2) Need? Want ?
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Old 09-25-2019, 08:42 PM   #24
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Ok, I give....what’s a DGF? Do I need one?
Dear Girl Friend

I don't know whether you need one or not.

Edited to add: didn't see post #23 before I posted.
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Old 09-25-2019, 08:59 PM   #25
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Ok, sounds like I need one! How much are they?



LOL
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Old 09-25-2019, 09:12 PM   #26
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Ok, sounds like I need one! How much are they?



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Old 09-25-2019, 09:17 PM   #27
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F and I are even happier in retirement than we were before we retired. We are not legally married but we have been together for about twenty years.
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I will be retiring within the next year at age 62. Naturally, my spouse and I have sometimes differing opinions on how we would like to spend our golden years. [...]

For example, one of us would like to do a lot of international travel, while the other dreads the thought of struggling through the hassles associated with staying in a foreign country.
Neither F nor I want to travel even on day trips, much less internationally.
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One of us is comfortable with, and in fact desires, a significant amount of alone and stay at home time, while the other prefers frequent socializing as a couple.
We both love our alone time. I probably need more "alone time" than any human alive. I also love being with him a lot, but that's my only desire to socialize.

He is a little more social than I am. So, he has a part time musical "fun job" for a few hours a week, makes a little pocket money, and enjoys being around others there. He has known and liked some of his co-workers for decades, some for as long as forty years or even longer, which is how he found out about the job. It gives us something to talk about afterwards."How did it go tonight?" "Oh, you wouldn't believe what happened!" and so on. Those guys are his friends, and they always inquire about me, but they understand; luckily for years my knee has been a perfect excuse for me not hanging out down there although most of them are cool people who don't really mind or need an excuse.

There are other ways that guys hang out with other guys after retirement; for example Aja8888 has often mentioned his ROMEO group ("Retired Old Men Eating Out"). And lot of women like spending time at yoga classes or various other classes at the gym, many of which are mostly women. The key is not being joined at the hip.

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One of us would prefer to spend more time up north, while the other wants the opposite.
I wanted to move north, and so did he but then he changed his mind. I trust him in making these decisions. Plus, he has the right to choose where he wants to live, and New Orleans has some good features too so I can accept it. Besides, I'm old fashioned enough that I am sticking with him for good and want to live where he lives. I don't really care *that* much where we live. I care that we are together.
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Old 09-25-2019, 10:13 PM   #28
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no effect whatsoever other than we get to spend more time together. our 50th is next march...52-yrs if you count high school.
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Old 09-25-2019, 11:05 PM   #29
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It effected our marriage. Not good and not bad, but adjustments were and continue to be required. Working takes about 8 to 10 hours out of every day where you’re not really engaged with your spouse. Take that away and things change. Good to discuss before retirement, but I believe it’s one of those things that you just have to live through and adjust.

We talked about kids and how they would change our lives. Then we had kids. Then I heard the famous Mike Tyson quote - Everyone has a plan until you get punched in the face. - and that pretty much summed up how that went. Retirement hasn’t been as drastic as having kids.
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Old 09-26-2019, 04:31 AM   #30
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We pretty much enjoy the same things travelling. It took DW nearly 2 years to get used to me being around the house though. She kept saying that I needed to find something to do away from home. After years of steady business travel, I just did not want to go out unless it was for a nice trip.
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Old 09-26-2019, 06:41 PM   #31
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Jerry that’s so true about kids). I retired at 58 and a few months later DH lost his job and couldn’t find another one. That wasn’t the plan. It’s been fine. We each have our own office and 2 big TV’s. He wanted to travel for months. I can’t be away from my dogs for more than 2 weeks. We take them on driving trips. 1 or 2 big trips a year with a 4 day trip closer. When we feel like we are getting on each other’s nerves one of us makes a point to get out of the house. We are both social. We have some friends in common and some separate. Before my youngest moved to Vietnam I would visit him in Kansas 3 times a year. My husband is going to spend a month with his son in Florida because he will be between duty stations. We have known some people to live separate lives in retirement. That’s not for us.
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Old 09-26-2019, 08:42 PM   #32
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When we feel like we are getting on each otherís nerves one of us makes a point to get out of the house. .

Yup - the ER serenity prayer: give us the time to be joyful and happy together, give us enough separate interests so we maintain our autonomy. Grant us lots of time in the same place, lots of time separately when that feels right too and the wisdom to know and understand each otherís needs and rhythms and moods.
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Old 09-27-2019, 08:17 AM   #33
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Being retired has been fine for us. We both knew before we retired that we'd want need/benefit from having some separate activities and friends, and we've made a point of it in retirement. We do some things together of course, but not everything. I certainly need some "guy time" and she understandably likes the camaraderie of "meeting up with the girls." We both have activities the other doesn't enjoy (e.g. me golf, her paddleboard yoga) too as it happens, which puts us with different people.

I'd guess retirement only becomes a problem for couples who don't know what to do with themselves and they spend too much time with just each other.

And we've found it essential to join activities more often than when we were working, just to connect with people to replace the (some good) daily interaction with co-workers. When we doubt, we join - we can always quit and move on to other activities.

We just relocated to another state where we don't know anyone, that's been way more challenging...but we'll assimilate.
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Old 09-27-2019, 02:03 PM   #34
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Thanks for all of the inspiring (seriously) stories about how you have made couplehood work in retirement. I am particularly encouraged by the number of people who say they sometimes travel without their significant other, though this seems like it will be a particularly difficult hurdle for us to get over. Need to find some good travel partners.

Also encouraged that nobody said retirement presented challenges, or exacerbated differences that could not be overcome. Maybe people in this situation just chose not to respond?

Lastly, thanks to everyone for not pointing out my misuse of the word 'effect' in the title. What a nice bunch of people! Not always the case on the interwebs.
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Old 09-27-2019, 02:56 PM   #35
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I think it comes down to being with the right person. I would have killed my ex in retirement. It only worked while raising the kids because we didn’t spend a lot of time together. If you basically have a good marriage then people are willing to compromise. I really hate it when people point out misuse of words. It comes off as trying to be superior. Some think it’s helpful.
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Old 09-27-2019, 03:58 PM   #36
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In the year immediately after I ERíd, DH had a contracting gig that took him out of town for two weeks a month. I got used to having that alone time.

When that gig ended a couple of years ago, I felt like he was attached to me with Velcro yet he didnít enjoy my activities. He doesnít enjoy socializing as much as I do, yet he doesnít like to be alone. So that leaves me to keep him company.

We (maybe just me) struggled for about six months. I finally learned that I sometimes have to do what I want and leave him to figure out how to entertain himself. He has started to find a few hobbies that donít involve me.

We have two homes, one in the suburbs and one in the mountains. Lately, DH doesnít want to go to the mountain house, so I go up for a few days by myself while he hangs in the suburbs. We both benefit from those mini breaks
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Old 09-27-2019, 04:40 PM   #37
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Yup - the ER serenity prayer: give us the time to be joyful and happy together, give us enough separate interests so we maintain our autonomy. Grant us lots of time in the same place, lots of time separately when that feels right too and the wisdom to know and understand each otherís needs and rhythms and moods.

Well done! Thatís pretty creative and with a tiny bit of work could have a nice ring to it.
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Old 09-27-2019, 04:40 PM   #38
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DH has been "testing" retirement for the last year, and it has had it's challenges. He's alone all day, so wants to be social when I get home, and meanwhile I need some downtime, or time with friends. He is starting to get some social activities, so it's getting easier. It'll be interesting when we're both retired.
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Old 09-27-2019, 04:57 PM   #39
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Well, DW is still working but I'm not. And when she is taking vacation time, she wants to travel with it a lot more than I do. Normally we'd probably compromise on how many times we go away, and how much we'd budget for travel, but as long as she's OK with me "being a lazy bum" while she is still out earning a paycheck (and our health insurance), I figure I should probably just go along with it!
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Old 09-27-2019, 05:03 PM   #40
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I am particularly encouraged by the number of people who say they sometimes travel without their significant other, though this seems like it will be a particularly difficult hurdle for us to get over. Need to find some good travel partners.
Here's a suggestion (for either of you):
  • Think of something you would like to learn more about, such as an aspect of an existing hobby, or maybe a new hobby you've thought about, or some skill you admire, or even something as simple as a special museum exhibit or musical concert.
  • Then find a good school where they teach that particular thing, without regard to where it's located. In the case of a special event, don't concern yourself with where it's located.
  • Plan and execute a solo travel plan to go there and take the class. Typically this will be from a couple of days up to a week.
You have now broken the ice and you should each be more comfortable with solo travel in the future.

DW and I have each done this more times than I can count and we thoroughly enjoy it. She doesn't like to be away from home (and her friends) as much as I do, so her trips tend to be shorter, but we each have different hobbies and interests and we both thoroughly enjoy our little trips. We also tend to appreciate each other more when we get back home.
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