What effect did retirement have on your marriage?

[travelover]

Ok, sounds like I need one! How much are they?



LOL

Cheaper than an ex-wife - they get 50%

 

[W2R]

F and I are even happier in retirement than we were before we retired. We are not legally married but we have been together for about twenty years.

I will be retiring within the next year at age 62. Naturally, my spouse and I have sometimes differing opinions on how we would like to spend our golden years. [...]

For example, one of us would like to do a lot of international travel, while the other dreads the thought of struggling through the hassles associated with staying in a foreign country.

Neither F nor I want to travel even on day trips, much less internationally.

One of us is comfortable with, and in fact desires, a significant amount of alone and stay at home time, while the other prefers frequent socializing as a couple.

We both love our alone time. I probably need more "alone time" than any human alive. I also love being with him a lot, but that's my only desire to socialize.

He is a little more social than I am. So, he has a part time musical "fun job" for a few hours a week, makes a little pocket money, and enjoys being around others there. He has known and liked some of his co-workers for decades, some for as long as forty years or even longer, which is how he found out about the job. It gives us something to talk about afterwards."How did it go tonight?" "Oh, you wouldn't believe what happened!" and so on. Those guys are his friends, and they always inquire about me, but they understand; luckily for years my knee has been a perfect excuse for me not hanging out down there although most of them are cool people who don't really mind or need an excuse.

There are other ways that guys hang out with other guys after retirement; for example Aja8888 has often mentioned his ROMEO group ("Retired Old Men Eating Out"). And lot of women like spending time at yoga classes or various other classes at the gym, many of which are mostly women. The key is not being joined at the hip.

One of us would prefer to spend more time up north, while the other wants the opposite.

I wanted to move north, and so did he but then he changed his mind. I trust him in making these decisions. Plus, he has the right to choose where he wants to live, and New Orleans has some good features too so I can accept it. Besides, I'm old fashioned enough that I am sticking with him for good and want to live where he lives. I don't really care *that* much where we live. I care that we are together.

 

[rk911]

no effect whatsoever other than we get to spend more time together. our 50th is next march...52-yrs if you count high school.

 

[Jerry1]

It effected our marriage. Not good and not bad, but adjustments were and continue to be required. Working takes about 8 to 10 hours out of every day where you’re not really engaged with your spouse. Take that away and things change. Good to discuss before retirement, but I believe it’s one of those things that you just have to live through and adjust.

We talked about kids and how they would change our lives. Then we had kids. Then I heard the famous Mike Tyson quote - Everyone has a plan until you get punched in the face. - and that pretty much summed up how that went. Retirement hasn’t been as drastic as having kids.

 

[DrRoy]

We pretty much enjoy the same things travelling. It took DW nearly 2 years to get used to me being around the house though. She kept saying that I needed to find something to do away from home. After years of steady business travel, I just did not want to go out unless it was for a nice trip.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Jerry that’s so true about kids). I retired at 58 and a few months later DH lost his job and couldn’t find another one. That wasn’t the plan. It’s been fine. We each have our own office and 2 big TV’s. He wanted to travel for months. I can’t be away from my dogs for more than 2 weeks. We take them on driving trips. 1 or 2 big trips a year with a 4 day trip closer. When we feel like we are getting on each other’s nerves one of us makes a point to get out of the house. We are both social. We have some friends in common and some separate. Before my youngest moved to Vietnam I would visit him in Kansas 3 times a year. My husband is going to spend a month with his son in Florida because he will be between duty stations. We have known some people to live separate lives in retirement. That’s not for us.

 

[Dd852]

When we feel like we are getting on each other’s nerves one of us makes a point to get out of the house. .

Yup - the ER serenity prayer: give us the time to be joyful and happy together, give us enough separate interests so we maintain our autonomy. Grant us lots of time in the same place, lots of time separately when that feels right too and the wisdom to know and understand each other’s needs and rhythms and moods.

 

[Midpack]

Being retired has been fine for us. We both knew before we retired that we'd [-]want[/-] need/benefit from having some separate activities and friends, and we've made a point of it in retirement. We do some things together of course, but not everything. I certainly need some "guy time" and she understandably likes the camaraderie of "meeting up with the girls." We both have activities the other doesn't enjoy (e.g. me golf, her paddleboard yoga) too as it happens, which puts us with different people.

I'd guess retirement only becomes a problem for couples who don't know what to do with themselves and they spend too much time with just each other.

And we've found it essential to join activities more often than when we were working, just to connect with people to replace the (some good) daily interaction with co-workers. When we doubt, we join - we can always quit and move on to other activities.

We just relocated to another state where we don't know anyone, that's been way more challenging...but we'll assimilate.

 

[whitet]

Thanks for all of the inspiring (seriously) stories about how you have made couplehood work in retirement. I am particularly encouraged by the number of people who say they sometimes travel without their significant other, though this seems like it will be a particularly difficult hurdle for us to get over. Need to find some good travel partners.

Also encouraged that nobody said retirement presented challenges, or exacerbated differences that could not be overcome. Maybe people in this situation just chose not to respond?

Lastly, thanks to everyone for not pointing out my misuse of the word 'effect' in the title. What a nice bunch of people! Not always the case on the interwebs.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I think it comes down to being with the right person. I would have killed my ex in retirement. It only worked while raising the kids because we didn’t spend a lot of time together. If you basically have a good marriage then people are willing to compromise. I really hate it when people point out misuse of words. It comes off as trying to be superior. Some think it’s helpful.

 

[Philliefan33]

In the year immediately after I ER’d, DH had a contracting gig that took him out of town for two weeks a month. I got used to having that alone time.

When that gig ended a couple of years ago, I felt like he was attached to me with Velcro yet he didn’t enjoy my activities. He doesn’t enjoy socializing as much as I do, yet he doesn’t like to be alone. So that leaves me to keep him company.

We (maybe just me) struggled for about six months. I finally learned that I sometimes have to do what I want and leave him to figure out how to entertain himself. He has started to find a few hobbies that don’t involve me.

We have two homes, one in the suburbs and one in the mountains. Lately, DH doesn’t want to go to the mountain house, so I go up for a few days by myself while he hangs in the suburbs. We both benefit from those mini breaks

 

[MuirWannabe]

Yup - the ER serenity prayer: give us the time to be joyful and happy together, give us enough separate interests so we maintain our autonomy. Grant us lots of time in the same place, lots of time separately when that feels right too and the wisdom to know and understand each other’s needs and rhythms and moods.

Well done! That’s pretty creative and with a tiny bit of work could have a nice ring to it.

 

[meekie]

DH has been "testing" retirement for the last year, and it has had it's challenges. He's alone all day, so wants to be social when I get home, and meanwhile I need some downtime, or time with friends. He is starting to get some social activities, so it's getting easier. It'll be interesting when we're both retired.

 

[ziggy29]

Well, DW is still working but I'm not. And when she is taking vacation time, she wants to travel with it a lot more than I do. Normally we'd probably compromise on how many times we go away, and how much we'd budget for travel, but as long as she's OK with me "being a lazy bum" while she is still out earning a paycheck (and our health insurance), I figure I should probably just go along with it!

 

[braumeister]

I am particularly encouraged by the number of people who say they sometimes travel without their significant other, though this seems like it will be a particularly difficult hurdle for us to get over. Need to find some good travel partners.

Here's a suggestion (for either of you):

• Think of something you would like to learn more about, such as an aspect of an existing hobby, or maybe a new hobby you've thought about, or some skill you admire, or even something as simple as a special museum exhibit or musical concert.
• Then find a good school where they teach that particular thing, without regard to where it's located. In the case of a special event, don't concern yourself with where it's located.
• Plan and execute a solo travel plan to go there and take the class. Typically this will be from a couple of days up to a week.

You have now broken the ice and you should each be more comfortable with solo travel in the future.

DW and I have each done this more times than I can count and we thoroughly enjoy it. She doesn't like to be away from home (and her friends) as much as I do, so her trips tend to be shorter, but we each have different hobbies and interests and we both thoroughly enjoy our little trips. We also tend to appreciate each other more when we get back home.

 

[HFWR]

Still not...

 

[Teacher Terry]

I think some people don’t enjoy traveling alone. The only trip I would consider is a cruise.

 

[Moemg]

We have been together 20 years and retirement has been fine .Neither of us are the attached at the hip type . I have several clubs and the gym . He has guy friends and football. We also have lots of things we do together .I do travel by myself but it to visit my daughter and grandsons.

 

[steveark]

My bride of 41 years and I have a nearly identical set of hobbies. And that's no accident, we realized having common interests is part of the glue that holds us together. We distance run together with a group in the mornings, we practice tennis together and play some together in mixed doubles but also play with others. We both ski, bass fish, shoot, hike, bushwhack, cook and travel local and abroad and both enjoy all of those. But we also take separate vacations, she just got back from a 10 day European river cruise with a girl friend and does something like that at least once a year without me. I take some fishing and sports trips without her. But the fact is we spend a lot of time together having fun. Retirement has been a simple low stress adjustment.

 

[zippy2020]

We finally started our retirement planning in our mid-forties. That began our first discussion of "what do you envision retirement as?"

DH is very self-sufficient and would make an excellent hermit, now that Amazon Prime and eBay exist to fulfill on-line shopping needs. He is a long-time wargaming enthusiast - Warhammer 40K - and our garage holds not our car, but thousands of models, paints, and landscape squares.

I have multiple hobbies, and one is spending way too much time on the Net in various forums, LOL.

He's not big on traveling, while I enjoy it more. But I also prefer to drive rather than fly, so we travel a circuit around Northern CA, with occasional forays on longer trips. Being retired, it's wonderful to be able to plan your schedule to avoid (most of the) rush hour commutes!

Our biggest issue is not wanting to leave the house unattended for long periods of time. Casual crime burglaries are rampant in the city, and with almost all our neighbors still working, very few people are around in the daytime. It's obvious, too, since 90% of the cars disappear off the street every weekday morning - few homes in coastal CA have basements or attics, so everybody uses garages for storage!

Traveling for us is a little different. We don't play tennis, golf, or fish. We don't go to spas, concerts, or theatre plays. I love to dine out, and DH likes to eat, so our travel focuses on food.

I usually throw in a little art or architecture touring, something historical or whimsical, a small amount of shopping.....we keep it relaxed, loose, and always enjoy ourselves. When we're on a trip I'll often just drive for the fun of driving around for a few hours. Stop for a cappuccino or a pastry, stretch our legs for a bit wandering around, then back to the hotel before going out again for dinner.

When we first retired we did some Road Scholar trips around the USA. But although we really enjoyed them, we weren't completely in love with the whole 'group tour' thing. We've enjoyed traveling on our own much more. So that was a change from what we had envisioned.

I enjoy traveling more than DH, but it is a goodly amount of work to play "travel agent", given our preferences. As recompense for not traveling abroad, we've found tremendous pleasure in being able to delve more deeply into the places we visit, because we periodically return over the years. We enjoy discovering those unusual places that most visitors miss, as they 'check off the standard list' of high-profile attractions.

It's been a very happy and satisfying ten years of retirement together. We have a comfortable daily routine of meeting up for meals but doing our "own thing" for most of the day, then spend our evenings together working on our tablets. I'll plan a trip - anywhere from 2-7 days - every couple of months, which make a perfect break in routine.

2019 has had less travel, as we're having a bunch of remodeling projects done which suck up the cash. Hope to get back into the swing of things next year!

 

[jollystomper]

One lesson I have learned in my brief (15 month) retirement experience and my marriage is to remember than my time is now much more flexible than DW's time, and to take that into account.

She does not have to keep working, but currently chooses to keep teaching part time, as she gets joy from instructing high schoolers planning to go to college, and college students interested in learning a language. Classroom time is about 1.5 days a week during the term, and of course some additional time for grading, office hours, etc. Since I traveled so much when I worked, she likes me being around or nearby (i.e., doing something away from home she can choose to join) when she is home. I have learned to adjust my activities to take that into account. It is not a big deal. We like just knowing the other is nearby. For example, I might be playing golf with friends when she is not working. She might choose to come to the course, sit somewhere outside the clubhouse, and sketch the scenery while I am playing.

 

[Old Microbiologist]

We have been retired 10 years now and my wife retired 2 years earlier than me although she switched from working to doing Day Trading full time. She still does that more or less every day although her daily goals are lower now. We don't need the money so it is merely for pleasure. She has evolved into an exceptional professional photographer and works on her images while Day Trading. Like many here, we have different interests enough to keep us happy. We share travel, cooking, gardening, and photography (I do drone work for her) and aerial movies for myself. I have a sailboat which I sail nearly every day and she is prone to seasickness so I do that alone. I also hike and/or go mountain biking nearly daily as well in the forests nearby. I am also a snowboarder so in winter I go on thee trips to the Alps (a 3 hour drive) or closer to home (a 30 minute drive) alone as well. We go on at least 4 large trips a year usually between 2-4 weeks in length and all are photography oriented trips. Also, she stays up much later than I and gets up much later as well. I go to bed around midnight and get up at 0630 and she goes to bed around 0200 and gets up around 1000. Neither of us are social at all so we don't have many friends or people in our lives so we are our own best friends and this has been excellent. We never fight or argue and we agree on nearly everything so it is a good fit. We are also both on our third marriages and we finally got it right late in life. We both have identical time in our other marriages as well. We also have both worked in the same far off places at different times (she as a Soviet scientist and I as an American scientist). We both speak several languages as well although we only share English. It has been a great time since retiring together.

 

[pacergal]

Life together was good. Life together is now even better.

Young grandchildren have caused us to travel a bit less than we planned but we still take at least one long trip yearly. That seems to be enough because just staying home is like being on vacation. We've been able to spend more time with our joint and individual interests.

Same here.
We each have a shed/workshop our back for any hobbies, we make sure to have dinner together daily, which allows us each our "own time" during the day. We have not traveled as much as we previously thought, but staying home with Grandbabies is sooo much better! We plan 1-2 longer trips each year and several weekend ones. Our lives are full and pleasurable in retirement !

 

[ragabnh]

No effect except that my spouse is filing divorce soon and I am excited about that since this will give me the freedom to start new life.

 

[slowsaver]

My DH retired a few months ago, but I'm still working. I definitely wanted him to have a 1-year head start so that he could figure out what he wanted to do with his free time, without me around to make suggestions. So far, he's taken over some of the cleaning and almost all the cooking. He seems to love to cook. It's a surprise to both of us.

I'm slowly asking him to do little favors for me during the day -- get something from the store, wait for a package, fix something. He does it all cheerfully. It's nice. Back when he was working, I'd never ask for favors like that. He had very little free time and his job was stressful. I think the fact he's in a better mood helps our relationship a lot. And my life is better because I don't have to do all the domestic chores plus working.