Keeping an elderly parent at home

[Fiddler]

My Dad is 86. He has a huge home, four bedrooms on the 2nd floor, with one bath and a bedroom on the first floor with a half bath.
Downsizing at this point in his life would be too disruptive. So my husband renovated the first floor half bath, enlarged it and put in a modular shower unit that has a seat and sturdy grab bars.
He still uses his large bedroom on the second floor, but now we have the option to move him to the first floor if his mobility decreases.
I have already bought a one floor retirement home for my DH and myself, a condo that is small in a major city we love. We still have our rural farmhouse, near my dad, and as long as he is alive it will be our primary home. We use the second place as a vacation pied a terre and our niece lives there (and pays rent) in the meantime; she rents one of the two bedrooms for a nominal rent and takes care of the place.
I learned from my Dad, that there is a point in time, downsizing becomes too difficult, so I have planned ahead.

 

[O2Bfree]

Smart! Wish my folks had done that. They did "downsize" at one point, moving into a nice condo. But they kept most of their stuff in storage.

Then my brother talked them into buying another big house with a downstairs apartment so he could live with them and "take care of them and the yardwork". So out came all their stuff, from storage into the big house, where it stayed until unreliable bro bailed a few years later.

Next, dad's health problems got much worse, so mom needed to sell the big house and move into a small apartment to better afford placing him in an adult home. They were in their mid-80s, and mom couldn't care for him at home anymore. DH and I moved them into the apartment, I sold a lot of their stuff (very time consuming!!) and the rest went into storage again, two units.

Since then, dad has died and mom has moved again twice. I've been suggesting to her (now nearly 88) that we start going through the stuff in storage and deciding what to do with it while she's still capable of directing things here or there. So far no progress on that. I may need to get pushy about it. She's pretty robust and could live to be 103...DH and I do not want to be dealing with that stuff in our 70s!!!

 

[Meadbh]

There is a window of opportunity for downsizing, but unfortunately some people don't want to take it.

My parents lived in a four bedroom, three storey home, with the main bathroom on a mezzanine. You had to be able to climb steps to live there. After my father died my mother continued to live there and refused to install a downstairs bathroom, a chairlift, or anything else that would have made her safer and more comfortable. Eventually, her health failing, she needed a CCRC, which she hated. She managed to organize a visit to her house and refused to leave. Eventually, following further hospitalization, she settled in long term care, but still refused to sell the house. That responsibility fell to me after she passed away.

Looking after elderly parents can be very challenging.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My parents downsized in their 60's and we did at 58. WE live in a 1400 sq ft one level home. We put in walk in shower and high toilets. We also widened doorways in case we need that in the future. Our yard is fairly low maintenance with astro-turf. We did that for 2 reasons, less work and we live in the desert.

 

[imoldernu]

Our answer to this problem, when we move to the apartments in our CCRC.

Have asked our kids to come in and take what they want, then call waste management to leave two containers out front. Hire two guys to toss out what is left. Not worth a few extra thousand dollars to worry about it.

 

[MichaelB]

I tried to keep DM at home as long as possible, but she was unable to live alone and we could not find suitable in home care, so she now lives in an assisted living.

A sad story - our neighbors are a couple in their mid 80's. The moved in about 7 years ago, not long after they married. The bedroom and master bath are on the 2nd floor. The ground floor has only a guest half-bath. His health declined suddenly 2 years ago, she cannot get him up the stairs, and he wanders at night. She acknowledges now they gave no thought at all to how they would live if confined to the ground floor and are suffering dearly as a result.

When we last moved I made sure everything we need is on the ground floor, and if needed for mobility issues, can be made accessible.

 

[broadway]

She acknowledges now they gave no thought at all to how they would live if confined to the ground floor and are suffering dearly as a result.

When purchasing my home, I paid the builder an extra $15K to change the 1st floor 1/2 bath to one with a shower. I am not sure whether that was smart thing money wise to do or wait until the need is immediate and get one of those stair lifts installed.

 

[Fiddler]

My father's house in on one acre. He is a child of the depression. Not an extreme hoarder, but a man who cannot easily part with "valuable" possessions. His idea of valuable and mine are greatly different. When my husband renovated Dad's house to make it more livable for an elderly person, we had to remove lots of "stuff" and make the first floor less cluttered. DH also cleaned up the basement and garage. Dad has a dear friend who obtained a free enclosed trailer that had been scrapped..the kind on the road (tractor trailer)....He had a truck move the trailer to Dad's lot. The excess clutter was moved into the trailer. We did not throw it out. Dad felt better that is "valuable" possessions are still on his property, but in (free) storage. For now.

 

[Amethyst]

Our house is not adaptable to first-floor living, if and when that becomes necessary. I am gradually, either on my own or hiring contractors, getting the house into shape to sell. It has turned out to be a bigger challenge than I could have expected. I've been at it for 3 years now, in addition to getting rid of the rental properties we could no longer manage effectively.

The underlying problem is that we will miss our current properly terribly. We value beauty and privacy above all else, and have been unimpressed with the lookalike, close-together homes and tiny yards of retirement communities.

As well, we have the sense that the neighbors in these communities are always peeking out their curtains and snooping. (Please tell me if this is unfair and ridiculous). Mr. A. says it reminds him of growing up on a street where everybody had a front porch, and has vivid memories of an "old lady" (probably younger than me) who would comment to his mother when his older sister had come home late at night after a date.

 

[athena53]

DH and I saw the writing on the wall early (he had a balance problem and had to be REALLY careful on steps) and sold our McMansion 2 years ago, moving to a slightly smaller place. Primary requirement was that it would have a full bath and at least 2 bedrooms on the main floor. It was a good move- sometimes DH moved to the spare BR if I snored or if he got bad itching or sweating attacks and I no longer had to worry about him going up or down steps at night, as he did in our previous place where only the master BR was on the main floor. When he got really sick last year it was a real blessing.


My parents started the de-cluttering and downsizing in their mid-80s so it can be done. Mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer a year ago and immediately started parceling out or donating her jewelry, sterling, kitchen items, etc. She and Dad actually chose together the place where Dad would move after she was gone. She died last October and Dad has just moved- more stuff to give away and throw out but thankfully Dad has all his marbles and my siblings who live nearby have helped out a lot. I can see that I got a lot of my practical
"This sucks but we can't change it so let's deal with it" attitude from my parents.

 

[aja8888]

As well, we have the sense that the neighbors in these communities are always peeking out their curtains and snooping. (Please tell me if this is unfair and ridiculous).

Seriously?

We live in a 55+ community which is mostly single family homes on small lots that are close together (432 homes). The vast majority of residents are well over 60 and it's rare when I see anybody outdoors or even doing anything other than walking their dog. People even drive to the corner cluster mailboxes here (those who can still drive).

Since we have been here (3 years), we have seen many folks hauled off to assisted living facilities or the morgue. I have never even heard of anyone snooping around trying to find out anyone's business. Most residents are too preoccupied dealing with their own issues (many serious medical ones) and are in bed by nightfall.

I'm probably the most visible and active person on our block and have a car restoration going on in my garage. I feel out of place here at 73 years young. I can be out in the garage for hours with the door raised and not have anyone even stop by to say hello to see what I am doing (not that I care).

But peekers and snoopers here this neighborhood or probably other similar "old folks" places....not an issue.

 

[Walt34]

We also saw the writing on the wall and made sure to buy a house that had the bedrooms and bathrooms on the same floor (ranch style house). I had knee surgery in my early 40's, it's probably going to happen again or even a new knee. I read the threads on knee replacement with interest!

After seeing what happened with my mother in a CCRC (worked out very well) and FIL (stayed in the house way too long) we also got on a waiting list for a CCRC. We don't have kids and the closest nephew and niece are both ~2 hours away. They'll help as they can, but they do have jobs and families so we don't expect much.

All this reminds me of the thread Are you good with money? because of the ability to plan ahead and defer immediate gratification for long-term gain. While neither one of us really wants to move to a CCRC, we also realize the day will almost inevitably come when we'll be unable to take care of this house and we'll be glad we made the move.

 

[H2ODude]

We're contemplating a move but for various reasons will wait a year to decide for sure. Meanwhile, we love where we live on a lake with an unusual level of privacy for a house on this size lot. If we stay we have a big plus. The master is upstairs, only a half bath down on the original house. However, built a 400 s ft addition for MIL that is more configured as a living, bedroom, and small bath. It's all truss roof with no load bearing walls so if we did stay here we could gut it out and transform into a nice first floor suite.

We've participated in a few of those downsize throwouts with parents and my goal is to NOT put that on our kids. I've sort of been getting this house ready to sell (or not) and part of it is getting rid of stuff in attic. You know, boxes with moving tags on them that were from 30 years ago and haven't been opened since. Tossed a bunch of photo albums that were from prior generations. Yeah, saved a few pics but when I realized I was the only person left alive who would even recognize these people, what's the point of keeping? Bigger issue will be the garage full of stationary woodworking tools. My closet is down to about 18" of shirts and pants (well, the tee shirts and jeans are in drawers!) but DW has considerably more.

 

[Souschef]

Seriously?

We live in a 55+ community which is mostly single family homes on small lots that are close together (432 homes). The vast majority of residents are well over 60 and it's rare when I see anybody outdoors or even doing anything other than walking their dog. People even drive to the corner cluster mailboxes here (those who can still drive).

Since we have been here (3 years), we have seen many folks hauled off to assisted living facilities or the morgue. I have never even heard of anyone snooping around trying to find out anyone's business. Most residents are too preoccupied dealing with their own issues (many serious medical ones) and are in bed by nightfall.

I'm probably the most visible and active person on our block and have a car restoration going on in my garage. I feel out of place here at 73 years young. I can be out in the garage for hours with the door raised and not have anyone even stop by to say hello to see what I am doing (not that I care).

But peekers and snoopers here this neighborhood or probably other similar "old folks" places....not an issue.

Interesting comment. We live in a +55 mobile home park, and other than seeing people walk their dogs, we rarely see anyone outside.
I spend hours a day on our porch reading and watching airplanes.

 

[audreyh1]

We live in a 55+ community, and neighbors know when each other are traveling, and there are often favors like giving neighbors rides to the airport, bringing in trashcans, keeping an eye out, and having keys "just in case" access is needed when someone is traveling. But other than that, there is no nosy spying here.

The neighborhood is active, we see people out walking their dogs, out cycling, morning and evening walks, and the occasional golf card ride around. Occasionally stop and chat. About half the residents attend regular social activities.

We're private people, and we feel like we have plenty of privacy. I'm glad our neighbors know when we aren't at home.

 

[Lakewood90712]

When purchasing my home, I paid the builder an extra $15K to change the 1st floor 1/2 bath to one with a shower. I am not sure whether that was smart thing money wise to do or wait until the need is immediate and get one of those stair lifts installed.

I would say money well spent.

 

[AllDone]

Our current house flat. Other than the 4" step from the garage into the house which can be avoided, there are no steps. There are also no bathtubs, just showers.

However, since the CCRC thread, I've been talking to DH about moving on to a CCRC eventually. He will be 60 in 14 months, so we aren't ready yet, but I think it's going to take as many years of persuasion as the early retirement required. He doesn't want to live "in a (nursing) home." Winnowing down his various collections will be a chore and we have no children. I'm inclined to favor the dumpster method.

 

[davismills]

We took a tour recently of a lovely CCRC that's only about 15 miles from our current home of 15 years. We loved the place and could afford it, but the fees are substantial.

Being 62 and 64, the timing of when to move is the biggest problem. We have no kids and have cared for parents for the past 12 years, we've "seen the movie" and know that action will be required at some point. But when? That's the hard part of the puzzle.

We currently live in a one story house with 2.5 baths and it seems very age friendly. It's in a 100 home empty nest cluster of a total of 400 homes of all sizes...in short a well planned community. I think we could both make it to age 80 in the current environment, but each year waited makes a move more agonizing.

 

[bmcgonig]

We took a tour recently of a lovely CCRC that's only about 15 miles from our current home of 15 years. We loved the place and could afford it, but the fees are substantial.

Being 62 and 64, the timing of when to move is the biggest problem. We have no kids and have cared for parents for the past 12 years, we've "seen the movie" and know that action will be required at some point. But when? That's the hard part of the puzzle.

We currently live in a one story house with 2.5 baths and it seems very age friendly. It's in a 100 home empty nest cluster of a total of 400 homes of all sizes...in short a well planned community. I think we could both make it to age 80 in the current environment, but each year waited makes a move more agonizing.

Can you give us more info on the place and on the fees? Is it a Life Care ?

Thanks

 

[davismills]

Can you give us more info on the place and on the fees? Is it a Life Care ?

Thanks

It was Life Care with independent, assisted, memory impaired and skilled nursing on site.

There were 3 levels of buy in. 90 percent refundable, 50 percent refundable and declining balance. We would choose declining balance (the cheapest) as we have no heirs.

Given those parameters our buy in for a single family home (3 bedroom with 2100 sq ft) was $282K. Monthly fees = $4500 per month.

A two bedroom apartment was $215K for buy in with fees of $4800 per month. The apartment homes include 2 meals per day versus no meals for the single family homes.

If you move from a garden home to an apartment later on, you're reimbursed the differential of the buy in fees. Your monthly fees would rise slightly to cover the included meals.

The fees don't go up with moves to the other more extensive levels of care, with the exception of inflationary (their words) increases.

The usual list of amenities - all maintenance, transportation, activities, indoor pool, exercise rooms, physical therapy, etc.

We found that most of these CCRCs will not reveal prices unless you physically visit/tour the facility. There are some very attractive tax benefits as a portion of buy in fees and monthly fees are considered tax deductible.

This CCRC is located in Macon, GA about one hour south of Atlanta. http://carlyleplace.org . Hope this helps.

 

[misshathaway]

I live in our family home now, which is a split-level, so it has two central staircases. Den, kitchen, and bedrooms are all on separate floors. My mother had about 2 years when she could not climb stairs, and later my father had the same. Each of them only needed a cane, and then a walker. For that situation installing stair chairs on the two staircases worked out fine. If wheelchairs were in the picture they would have had to move. We never took the stair chairs down between my mom and my dad.

Installation was about 18 years ago. At the time it was about $1500. The chair part was unsightly and a PITA for the able-bodied b/c the usable stair was not that wide. For my parents though, it was a godsend. Until the very end they could use it themselves. It might be a stopgap for someone who is not ready to move yet.

 

[imoldernu]

It was Life Care with independent, assisted, memory impaired and skilled nursing on site.

There were 3 levels of buy in. 90 percent refundable, 50 percent refundable and declining balance. We would choose declining balance (the cheapest) as we have no heirs.

Given those parameters our buy in for a single family home (3 bedroom with 2100 sq ft) was $282K. Monthly fees = $4500 per month.

A two bedroom apartment was $215K for buy in with fees of $4800 per month. The apartment homes include 2 meals per day versus no meals for the single family homes.

If you move from a garden home to an apartment later on, you're reimbursed the differential of the buy in fees. Your monthly fees would rise slightly to cover the included meals.

The fees don't go up with moves to the other more extensive levels of care, with the exception of inflationary (their words) increases.

The usual list of amenities - all maintenance, transportation, activities, indoor pool, exercise rooms, physical therapy, etc.
We found that most of these CCRCs will not reveal prices unless you physically visit/tour the facility. There are some very attractive tax benefits as a portion of buy in fees and monthly fees are considered tax deductible.

This CCRC is located in Macon, GA about one hour south of Atlanta. Carlyle Place . Hope this helps.

A great review.

Though I've posted this before, for comparison, a look at our current CCRC apartment costs. (prices for one BR and studio apartments are within $200/mo. of the two BR quoted here.

Two BR, $2130/mo for one person, $2630/mo. or two persons.
$100 processing fee. $1500 deposit (transferable on campus or refundable).

Includes 2 meals a day, and the same amenities as what davismills described. Also, Free cable TV and free internet.
The other important part is regularly scheduled free transportation to shopping, events, and other outings and restaurants. In addition, we have county based bus transport services with $2.50 fees for seniors.

The Villas (homes like ours) were built in the late 1990's, and early 2000's, and contain all of the senior friendly features of the newest plans. Current prices range from $160K to $200K.
Large duplexes or single family (1600sf 1900sf) like ours.

There is no upfront (endowment) fee, but by this same token, no lifetime guarantee. (not offered in our CCRC). By the same token, when we were looking at other CCRC's, we had trouble understanding the terms of the lifetime guarantee, and it seemed that each complex had its' own (different) contract. Since our planning included limited nursing home insurance, we never considered the "buy in". Our other hedge was keeping the villa as a backup. Between medicare, nursing home insurance, and the plan for using the home as security for the healthy spouse, we feel reasonably safe. From a practical standpoint, we have also looked into local medicaid supported facilities and while not as nice as our CCRC, the care and services seem to be safe, clean,well regarded by the community.

I don't have the current cost for assisted living or nursing home but depending on the needs, $42K to $46K for AL, and $75K to $85K for nursing home.

For anyone considering CCRC living, whether single homes or any part of the care continuum I think the most important part of the decision making process, is the time actually spent in the community... to see how the residents live... to talk to them... and to listen hard... for the good and the bad. The very worst thing thing to do is to spend all of your time in the (sales) office, or to be taken on a guided tour, without getting down to the real-life parts of living there. Whether doing this for yourself, or a loved one, making a decision for what will probably be the rest of life, should not be based only the word of the salesperson.

 

[bmcgonig]

It was Life Care with independent, assisted, memory impaired and skilled nursing on site.

There were 3 levels of buy in. 90 percent refundable, 50 percent refundable and declining balance. We would choose declining balance (the cheapest) as we have no heirs.

Given those parameters our buy in for a single family home (3 bedroom with 2100 sq ft) was $282K. Monthly fees = $4500 per month.

A two bedroom apartment was $215K for buy in with fees of $4800 per month. The apartment homes include 2 meals per day versus no meals for the single family homes.

If you move from a garden home to an apartment later on, you're reimbursed the differential of the buy in fees. Your monthly fees would rise slightly to cover the included meals.

The fees don't go up with moves to the other more extensive levels of care, with the exception of inflationary (their words) increases.

The usual list of amenities - all maintenance, transportation, activities, indoor pool, exercise rooms, physical therapy, etc.

We found that most of these CCRCs will not reveal prices unless you physically visit/tour the facility. There are some very attractive tax benefits as a portion of buy in fees and monthly fees are considered tax deductible.

This CCRC is located in Macon, GA about one hour south of Atlanta. http://carlyleplace.org . Hope this helps.

Thanks for the detail. It's great to get an idea of the prices in different parts of the country.

 

[Music Lover]

My parents built their forever/retirement house 25 years ago when they were in their 50's. I begged and pleaded with them not to build a bi-level but they did anyway. Now, as they approach their 80's the stairs are becoming an issue and they are grudgingly accepting the fact that they will have to move sooner or later.

 

[athena53]

Good advice on doing a thorough visit. Dad paid to stay there for a week before deciding on his place.

Misshathaway, the stair chair is more reasonable than I thought. The people who sold my current house to DH and me took care of the wife's parents on the lower level for 13 years. One side of downstairs is accessible to the lake and has a porch and full kitchen. The neighbors tell me they used to have a stair chair. DH could have used it in his last months!

For me, it might someday be a good option for live-in caregivers.