Marriage Conflict surrounding eldercare

[superdave]

When working as an RN, my wife was able to deflect some eldercare responsibilities because she had work commitments. Now that she has recently retired, the flood gates have opened. The family calendar is littered with elder doctor visits, emergency visits, etc. This has been going on for decades, but since my wife's retirement, it is constant. Not that it matters, but the elder is question is my wife's mother, who really did nothing to help us out when we needed it with a young family, but who has required constant support for at least 2 decades.

I have considered consoling to address the marriage issues this is creating, or simply going back to work in a contract ( ideally travel ). At least then, my schedule is my own.

Anyone else had a similar experience? What approach worked best?

 

[Dash man]

Taking care of parents is part of the marriage bond. My FIL has been living with us for years and his wife for a while at the beginning before she went into memory care, then eventually a nursing home until she passed away. Whether they did or didn’t do something for us doesn’t play into our thought process because they need help when they need it. Personally, my parents died young, but DW’s parents have longer living genes. Her father is the type that is always a victim and never wrong. I’ve learned to just let it slide. Bought him headphones and an iPad and he’s happy as a clam.

 

[braumeister]

Sounds like perhaps it's time for her to move into a retirement community of some kind? My mom resisted that until I finally gave up and insisted. A week after she moved she gave me grief for not insisting years ago -- she loved it!

 

[superdave]

"Taking care of parents is part of the marriage bond". Not sure if I agree with that. There are a lot of variables at play in every situation.

During aids and covid, people said that this is what nurses signed up for. It was their calling. Hard to make blanket statements about these things.

 

[superdave]

Sounds like perhaps it's time for her to move into a retirement community of some kind? My mom resisted that until I finally gave up and insisted. A week after she moved she gave me grief for not insisting years ago -- she loved it!

She is in a retirement home but still in the independent living level. But I agree, she should be in assisted living.

There are two siblings locally. My wife's brother has spent years building a dependency ( really, because he had nothing else to do ) and my wife now feels obligated to step it up. Of course there are 3 other siblings out of town that do next to nothing.

The mother is 92, but can easily live to 100. She ain't going anywhere.

I can't see any of this changing.Just looking for a way to escape. It has taken over the day to day.

 

[Aerides]

What does your wife say?

- Is she the reluctant, exhausted care-giver who just doesn't see options, and is perhaps somewhat feeling obligated/guilt?

- Or is she looking for alternatives, and would happily discuss them with you, if they can work?

- Or does she feel this is absolutely her burden to hold, and would never let anyone else take this on given her training?

If one of the first two, you can have a discussion. If the last one...er.. this is not something that's "part of the bond" imo, but it is who she is and should not surprise you.

For everyone else: This is really something to discuss decades earlier, both with your spouse and the parent.

 

[Z3Dreamer]

Are you being asked to perform too many tasks or is it that DW's new full time 7 days a week job is taking care of or visiting mom? Or a combination? And you did not mention money.

In my world, DW and I have been caregivers but it was temporary or we were able to discuss our level of involvement before we accepted the assignment. In yours, it has just crept in over the decades, so you were not able to set limits. Correct?

 

[MarieIG]

Our situation was different in that my parents were there for us - and we were there for them. But, when they were ill, which was for a period of years - it was certainly not easy. Yes, my DH, rather like Dash man was very active in caring for my parents.

DH's parents are overseas, so I have not been involved in their care. He loves them of course, visits and attempts to help them, but it's not a matter of him being able to take them to doctors' appointments, etc.

Maybe marriage counseling is not a bad idea. Presumably compromise is involved.

 

[superdave]

Are you being asked to perform too many tasks or is it that DW's new full time 7 days a week job is taking care of or visiting mom? Or a combination? And you did not mention money.

In my world, DW and I have been caregivers but it was temporary or we were able to discuss our level of involvement before we accepted the assignment. In yours, it has just crept in over the decades, so you were not able to set limits. Correct?

What has changed is my RN wife has recently retired and is probably feeling the pressure from ML & BL to step it up. ML has been playing the helpless twice widowed for decades.

Its at the point where all the schedules with BL, ML and us have to be coordinated daily. Unfortunately this is going to be long term.

 

[MarieIG]

What has changed is my RN wife has recently retired and is probably feeling the pressure from ML & BL to step it up. ML has been playing the helpless twice widowed for decades.

Its at the point where all the schedules with BL, ML and us have to be coordinated daily. Unfortunately this is going to be long term.

Are these daily obligations split with BL, i.e. do you and DW get "days off?"

 

[superdave]

In yours, it has just crept in over the decades, so you were not able to set limits. Correct?

The limits in the past were set my my wife's employment responsibilities. This is what has changed recently.

Short term, money is ok on the side of the ML. Not rich by any means however.

Part of the problem is that the BL who built the dependancy suddenly has travel plans, other commitments, and is sort of handing off the torch.

 

[Z3Dreamer]

And your retired RN wife does not see that this is not how you want to live out your retired years? RN wife is in nurse mode. She does not see that you might want to go on that great cruise or even just go to dinner and a movie.

 

[old medic]

Maybe marriage counseling is not a bad idea. Presumably compromise is involved.

You both need to have open communications about this. My MIL talked my wife into letting her come down to NC from NY for an extended visit after HER mother died. We discussed it, and since both kids were moved out, We fixed her up a room. Well, it took nearly 2 years, several fights and almost a divorce to get her to move out. She felt that since she had taken care of her Mother all those years... it was someone else's turn to take care of her. She moved to an apartment 30 miles away, we still were the closest and continued in a similar situation your having. Being I worked 12 hour swing shifts, most of the time, It was me home and later going to help her with stuff. We dealt with this for over 6 years before she passed.
Best of luck to you both.

 

[Morgan22]

It sounds like MIL needs transportation to her many Dr. appointments? There are organizations that provide rides to and from appointments. If she qualifies, you could hook up MIL with a PACE program near you. PACE provides transportation, if she has limited mobility they will clean her home weekly, and they have day programs she could spend time at for a day out. (The only possible negative is that she may have to switch over to their Dr.'s).

My family went this route for my elderly DM since we are retired and constantly traveling. Of course DM complains all the time about it, but she's always been a complainer, LOL. We know she likes her Dr. and the day program since she occasionally mentions good things about them.

There is also a non-profit near my DM that just provides transportation for elderly. There are alternatives out there, it will take a little research to find out what's available near your MIL.

 

[athena53]

You may also want to look at the number of doc appointments she has. I'm in the Kansas City area and Dad was in SC, with other siblings nearby. One brother and SIL in particular went above and beyond supporting Dad- bringing him to their place for dinner once a week, driving him to doctor appointments, etc. It turned out the Assisted Living facility did have car services to and from doctor appointments but before that my brother tracked how many appointments Dad had in a year and it was crazy- over 100, I think. I swear most of them were milking the system and scratching each others' backs by referring him to other specialists. Cardiologist, urologist, optometrist, dentist- some necessary, of course, but they added up. When Dad had to move to LTC after a stroke and could no longer get to all those appointments he lingered another 18 months without all those experts.

I highly recommend Gail Sheehy's "Caregiving Passages"- there are some good chapters on family dynamics.

 

[razztazz]

Thank for mentioning this PACE program. I had not heard of it. Sounds like it could be very helpful to me in the out-years

 

[marko]

I'm primary caregiver for my brother who lives alone. About 2 hours each morning. DW has never once complained. I thank her often but all she says is "for better or worse". Her only comment is "you better not leave me alone with this..."

(Of course, her side of the family doesn't require our time, just our wallet for the past 30 years. I've never complained so I guess we're even somehow)

 

[bigcmagor]

Tough part of life. My wife was the caregiver for her mother for 17 years after her father died. She didn't drive so this included all transportation. Fortunately (for her siblings), she was a stay at home mom, so she was able to make the time. She knows she stepped up for her mom and feels she more than fulfilled the inherent promise for care. I was supportive of her efforts, knowing the act of love this was.

Now it's my turn. Between my folks, there's been 15 ambulance rides since November. I've had to spend five of the last six months apart from my wife dealing with near constant health crises. Every time I've tried to get away, the very next day has brought a new challenge and usually a plane ride back into the abyss.

What has helped, is moving them to assisted living where there is an in-house physician. This eliminates many of the trips to other doctors. A visiting podiatrist and in-house salon help as well. It's certainly not a cure-all though and comes with many frustrations, mainly associated with inadequate staff levels and overworked caregivers.

We know these challenges will not last forever and want to know that we've done all we could when they are gone. Good luck to you as you sort it out.

 

[Dash man]

I knew the end of my first marriage was near when my ex refused to allow my mother to live with us when she was battling cancer. According to my son and former sister-in-law, she didn’t do anything to help her mother either and doesn’t even speak to her father or other family except our son.
My son, however, now has his mother-in-law living with them. She’s a handful, but he’s good with it. We’re helping getting her to some appointments when needed, since she doesn’t drive anymore.

 

[Venturer]

I'm primary caregiver for my brother who lives alone. About 2 hours each morning. DW has never once complained. I thank her often but all she says is "for better or worse".

(Of course, her side of the family doesn't require our time, just our wallet for the past 30 years. I've never complained so I guess we're even somehow)

I can sure relate to this about "loving family" when your giving, and ignoring when you aren't.

 

[superdave]

The other point I forgot to mention is that we are a one car family, so the frequent doctor appts take a double toll. The conflict has ratcheted up lately, but I figure I am in a loose loose situation. I still have pretty current IT skills, so am actively looking to get back on the road and do a gig or two....

 

[FindingForward]

It sounds like MIL needs transportation to her many Dr. appointments? There are organizations that provide rides to and from appointments. If she qualifies, you could hook up MIL with a PACE program near you. PACE provides transportation, if she has limited mobility they will clean her home weekly, and they have day programs she could spend time at for a day out. (The only possible negative is that she may have to switch over to their Dr.'s).

My family went this route for my elderly DM since we are retired and constantly traveling. Of course DM complains all the time about it, but she's always been a complainer, LOL. We know she likes her Dr. and the day program since she occasionally mentions good things about them.

There is also a non-profit near my DM that just provides transportation for elderly. There are alternatives out there, it will take a little research to find out what's available near your MIL.

I'm sure there are well run nonprofit and public service agencies in some areas. Our experience w/nonprofit/public elderly/disabled transport as caregivers for parents was a disaster.

You'd set a pickup time, they'd confirm, then show up late - sometimes 2 hours late! Can't count how many dr appts we lost due to unreliability. Sometimes they wouldn't show up at all - not even a call to cancel.

For someone in their '80s - vulnerable sick, in pain - waiting months for specialist appts and then losing the appt because transportation flaked - it's a mess. Or being stranded at the dr office for hours waiting for a ride that doesn't show.

These agencies couldn't care less. Calls answered by disinterested robots (even supervisors) who kept insisting nothing they could do. Uber and lyft didn't exist. Cabs were too pricey to use often. I gave up and left a traditional office job for something more flexible, in order to deal with it all.

I think I aged 10 years for every year I had to deal w/it.

 

[pacergal]

(Sigh), RN here, care giving is in our blood, so hard to get away from it.
A majority of my Dads care/co-ordination fell on me for his last 8 years. Luckily, my siblings were very willing to share, as we were all still working.

It sounds like BiL did much of the work in the past due to your wife still employed? If so, he is ready for a break, or at least is showing that in his actions.

How does your wife feel about what has happened? Does she feel guilty from not being able to help in the past, so now is willing to take it all on? Was this her thought or plan to what would happen when she retired or had the both of you or any of the siblings discussed this beforehand?

IF MiL is in a care center, what all is your wife needing to do that they can't or won't?
If your DW is not happy with the way things are going there are options.
You/your wife can try to talk with the social services where MiL is living, to see if they can pick up some of the load ( may cost more money) or evaluate MiL for higher level of care. Having it come from their recommendation may help MiL accept the fact more.

Your wife can have a discussion with all siblings to discuss the facts and options. She would need to be firm in what she is willing to do and make sure the others pick up their load, whether it be helping physically or financially if paying for more services.

It's a tough situation, but caring for our elderly parents is something most folks need to prepare for or at least have the discussion with your parents beforehand. But that is not an easy discussion and sometimes is not even warranted, depending on your relationship.

Good Luck to you and your wife moving forward.

 

[harllee]

I am sort of at the other side of where your wife is. Mom age 90 in a CCRC has dementia. I am retired and have been doing the bulk of the work helping mom out for the last several years. My younger sister is retiring this summer and I have asked her to take over half the the tasks I have been doing. It seems to me the BIL has been doing most of the caregiving for your MIL and now it is your wife's turn.

 

[erkevin]

Just completed my tour of duty with this. Had to move across the country in July of 2020 to care for my MIL who suffered from Alzheimer's. In July of 2020 my BIL was looking after her and suddenly passed, so off we went. She passed last month after a very stressful 3 years. The marriage survived but it was very hard on my wife; MIL had to have round the clock care for all of those years; much of it falling to my wife.