Marriage Conflict surrounding eldercare

What kind of care is needed for a family member in the nursing home or memory care section of a CCRC? I'm thinking a lot about this since I imagined that once you move into a CCRC you don't have to rely on family members for assistance, but from what I'm reading now I'm having doubts.

The staff at the CCRC can and will relieve you of many of the caregiving tasks, but some simply should not be outsourced, like managing a parent's finances. You really, really, don't want someone else doing that. As mentioned many of the local travel needs (shopping, dr. appointments) can be met with the CCRC's van, but you can't expect the feedback from staff to equal what you'd know if you went to the dr.'s appointment yourself. The staff can and will make sure they get to meals and eat enough, administer prescriptions, do laundry if needed, and the like for example, so family doesn't have to do that.

So there are pluses, but one has to be careful about what, and how much, to offload to the staff. There's usually an extra charge for laundry for example but your schedule or distance may make it worthwhile to pay that charge. How reliable prescription management is done is highly dependent on the individual staff members, and a close eye on that is imperative if possible.

There are lots of moving parts to all of this and of course "one size does not fit all".
 
This thread by OP really hit home. I retired in 2010 (60) and DW retired in 2014 (63). We were so looking forward to retirement, however my wife immediately became her mothers caregiver instead. Trips to doctors, shopping, physical therapy, etc. This went on for 6 years before mother went into assisted living. Mother hated it and called to complain constantly continuing to cause my DW anxiety. My wife did an excellent job caring for her. Although it sounds selfish, I resented missing our opportunity to "retire" and do things we had planned. DW had a sister nearby but since my wife was named executor of mom's will, sister didn't participate much in mom's care. It caused a great deal of tension in our home and in the already fragmented family. Mom passed in 2021 at 93. We are still happily married after 53 years. Another challenge put before us that we managed, somehow, to overcome.
 
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Out of towners?

Have you thought to ask the out of towners to step up with financial support, either directly to your wife and BIL for their work, or to use in hiring some home health and home maintenance help?
 
Care

I took care of my Dad not because of who he was and how he cared for me but because of who I am. Perhaps your wife is a loving daughter called to caregiving. And honoring her mother is part of who she is. Perhaps she can ask her siblings to help in other ways like handling finances or helping to pay for an aide that can relieve you and your wife of so many caregiving duties. My husband absolutely supported me and my dad through his care as he loves me and wants to take care of me. So he would offer to take him to appointments or take him dinner when I was so tired or have a bath and glass of wine waiting for me when I got home. His support lessened and shared my burden and made me feel truly loved and supported. That was the gift of our marriage bond.
 
This thread by Op really hit home. I retired in 2010 (60) and DW retired in 2014 (63). We were so looking forward to retirement, however my wife immediately became her mothers caregiver instead. Trips to doctors, shopping, physical therapy, etc. This went on for 6 years before mother went into assisted living. Mother hated it and called to complain constantly continuing to cause my DW anxiety. My wife did an excellent job caring for her. Although it sounds selfish, but I resented missing our opportunity to "retire" and do things we had planned. DW had a sister nearby but since my wife was named the executor of mom's will, sister didn't participate much in mom's care. It caused a great deal of tension in our home and in the already fragmented family. Mom passed in 2021 at 93. We are still happily married after 53 years. Another challenge put before us that we managed, somehow, to overcome.

And a tip of the hat to ya for that Moparguy392!

Sometimes ya just gotta play the hand that's dealt to ya! I was born into an economically challenged situation living in the inner city. DW too. We started dating early in high school, worked our way through college and married young. Our son was born with Arnold-Chiari but with lots of work and money we got him through to a reasonably normal life. His son, my oldest grandson, was born with Cerebral Palsy and at 22 yrs old, is still an ongoing project. DW spent the first decade of her retirement as her widowed mother's caregiver. Putting other people first emotionally, financially and with time commitments has just been our lives it seems. But, like you, we've been married 53 years and although showing a bit of wear and tear from the life we've led, we're doing OK.

OP's situation, while obviously aggravating to him, doesn't sound all that severe to me. But everything is relative and I wish him, his DW and his MIL the best as they work through things.
 
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youbet...thank you but compared to your trials, ours seem inconsequential. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you and your family.
 
I would start by making a list of everything that is being done today - appointments, visits, tasks. Work out an agreement with DW about how many days a week is reasonable for doing this work and then tell MIL about the new schedule. Groceries can be delivered, doctors appointments grouped, etc. For some people, getting out of the house for whatever reason becomes a hobby and it may be possible to reduce the number of doctor or other appointments. Maybe get a second car or one of you use Uber/Lyft so your not stuck in the house. Life is too short and you need to find a balance between caring for your MIL and enjoying your retirement years together
 
I'm going to be living this in a few years. My parents are both alive but are 87. Both are in good shape but mom has dementia. If something happens to dad, she has to move into a memory care facility. I'm feeling the pressure now and don't do much but feel like I need to help out my dad as much as he will let me.

I have one brother who has lived overseas most of the past 20 years, came back to the US for a couple years and is now moving back overseas as the sh*t hits the fan...I am not happy. He has gotten to do whatever he wants and I am here with my parents. I will have no regrets but I still am mad at him.
 
I'm going to be living this in a few years. My parents are both alive but are 87. Both are in good shape but mom has dementia. If something happens to dad, she has to move into a memory care facility. I'm feeling the pressure now and don't do much but feel like I need to help out my dad as much as he will let me.

I have one brother who has lived overseas most of the past 20 years, came back to the US for a couple years and is now moving back overseas as the sh*t hits the fan...I am not happy. He has gotten to do whatever he wants and I am here with my parents. I will have no regrets but I still am mad at him.

I can give you a little advise from experience.........

To avoid any bad feelings between you and your brother regarding possible inheritances when your folks pass, be sure to use mom and dad's funds for all expenses as you go along. You should even cover your own expenses in caring for them from their funds as you go. This assumes they have some funds and ongoing income.......

By not feeling that since you've spent thousands in covering expenses regarding their care and you should have that deficit covered in the end, you can avoid some of the hard feelings if your parents decide to split the inheritance 50/50. Again, I'm assuming they have some resources.
 
I can give you a little advise from experience.........

To avoid any bad feelings between you and your brother regarding possible inheritances when your folks pass, be sure to use mom and dad's funds for all expenses as you go along. You should even cover your own expenses in caring for them from their funds as you go. This assumes they have some funds and ongoing income.......

By not feeling that since you've spent thousands in covering expenses regarding their care and you should have that deficit covered in the end, you can avoid some of the hard feelings if your parents decide to split the inheritance 50/50. Again, I'm assuming they have some resources.

Thank you for understanding...I assumed I was going to be blasted by those that don't understand. I have a friend who has spent thousands on her parents and will probably not get reimbursed.

I am keeping track. There isn't much yet but I will definitely reimburse myself! There are assets (assuming they are not in a nursing home for years and years) and they will be split 50/50. He has already taken $100k of his inheritance which really pissed me off!
 
I agree wholeheartedly with the advice to fund your parents’ care with your parents’ funds, not with yours, if they have resources. My parents insisted that I get reimbursed as we went along from the start, and I kept receipts and notes and regularly got reimbursed. Same when my brothers expended their funds on the parents’ behalf. There is still a lot of time that goes into caregiving but when the caregiver isn’t also having to pay their own funds, it does keep the situation feeling more equitable.
 
My last parent died a long time ago.
So when DW's parents needed help, there was no question I'd be there helping out and taking care of things.
Sure it impacted out lives, being on call for things, taking him to appts, etc, but I got to really know my FIL and find out what a wonderful person he truly was.
 
We don't have any kids so I don't have to worry about putting them through all of this.

I think if we did have kids though, I would not want them wasting 10 years of their life and possibly their marriage cleaning up after me while I have dementia.

Ditto. Many kids on here doing so much for their parents I was wondering what childless people do, especially if they can’t afford help.
 
Ditto. Many kids on here doing so much for their parents I was wondering what childless people do, especially if they can’t afford help.

My wife took care of an aging childless aunt in her final years after the aunt's son died. The aunt was in a different city about 4 hours away by car and lived in a CCRC, though she was in an independent living apartment until breaking a hip a few months before she passed. We would visit in person 3 or 4 times per year, and hired a caregiver a couple of days per week to help as needed.

Not an ideal situation but the best we could do.

We are hoping for one of our nephews or our niece to do the same for us if necessary. But three of them are at least 700 miles away, and the one that is two hours away doesn't yet appear to be a good option.

Don't know how this will work for us. Kind of hoping the end will go quickly when we get there.
 
I am hoping that the Tesla robot will be ready by the time I need that sort of care. But that still leaves the worry of who will manage the finances. Hope I either drop dead suddenly or stay lucid until the end.
 
For those of you who are getting older, please simplify your assets. I am my 90 year mother's POA and her finances are too complicated. I am trying to simplify now. I had asked her for years to consolidate things but she never did.
 
Unfortunately, those of us hoping for a quick/lucid death are probably kidding ourselves, and really just failing to plan properly.

If anything, this thread served all the rest of us with opportunities:

Make a plan for you & your partner if applicable: A plan that doesn't put burden on your adult children, or anyone who would find themselves in a place of feeling obligated - as this decision might happen after you've lost the ability to help make those decisions.

Talk to your parents if they are still living. Do they have a plan? Are you unknowingly 5 years away from becoming the OP or his DW?

And perhaps most important: Talk to your spouse/partner - what would you do if your parents needed long term (or short term) care on a regular basis and had no other provisions for it? What sort of arrangements do you both agree to, regardless which parent is afflicted or how far, or whatever their conditions? What does that look like - is that moving into your house or you moving to them? Or anything in between.

The basic problem in the OP's situation is it seems to have all just happened around him, and no one planned or agreed in advance.
 
It's no wonder she never got it done. As you are learning, investment companies make things so complicated. On top of that, they keep buying each other out and changing their rules, their websites, their procedures.

I'm trying to change/add beneficiaries on a variety of investment types, some large, some small. The small ones are the real ankle biters.

For those of you who are getting older, please simplify your assets. I am my 90 year mother's POA and her finances are too complicated. I am trying to simplify now. I had asked her for years to consolidate things but she never did.
 
My DH was retired by the time my Dad needed help. He offered to take my Dad to doctor's appointments and also to the VA. He really enjoyed doing this for my Dad and saw it as a way to spend time with him.We live about 45 minutes from where my Dad was in Assisted Living.

My sister was about 10 minutes away from Dad but couldn't miss her swimming/lunch with friends/card game group/trip to Whole Foods to spend the afternoon at the VA with Dad. She didn't like the atmosphere there.
 
The limits in the past were set my my wife's employment responsibilities. This is what has changed recently.



Short term, money is ok on the side of the ML. Not rich by any means however.



Part of the problem is that the BL who built the dependancy suddenly has travel plans, other commitments, and is sort of handing off the torch.



I was just going to suggest that you and DW go on an extended retirement celebration trip. DH and I did a 3-month trip after we retired and it was wonderful. As you remove yourselves from the daily pressures and your DW has time to truly relax, the two of you can discuss how to address the situation when you return home. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with both her mom and her brother.

One observation - even very sweet, undemanding elders get very self-focused over time. If you don’t set any boundaries, it will get worse.
 
My DH was retired by the time my Dad needed help. He offered to take my Dad to doctor's appointments and also to the VA. He really enjoyed doing this for my Dad and saw it as a way to spend time with him.We live about 45 minutes from where my Dad was in Assisted Living.

My sister was about 10 minutes away from Dad but couldn't miss her swimming/lunch with friends/card game group/trip to Whole Foods to spend the afternoon at the VA with Dad. She didn't like the atmosphere there.

This is close to what my DW had except her sisters was bowling and going to the casinos!
 
This is close to what my DW had except her sisters was bowling and going to the casinos!

When my FIL was on his deathbed in the hospital, my SIL only saw him once in the 12 days he was there. She lived a mile from the hospital. Always had an excuse from being too tired to having to take her dogs to the groomer. DW spent most nights at the hospital and loved the fact that they got to spend time talking about great times from their past. SIL never raised a finger helping her dad, but was sure to drop by once a month to pick up a check that FIL gave her each month. Now she is enjoying the inheritance. Ugh!
 
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