It's funny joke Thursday! - 2021

[Gumby]

We're starting new versions of our longer running threads so that they'll load faster on phones. Here' the link to the 2005 -- 2020 version.
https://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f27/its-funny-joke-thursday-20756.html

 

[Car-Guy]

And for the new year... A few one liners...


My new year resolution for 2021 is to stop procrastinating... I'm going to start tomorrow!

Actually, I was planning to quit all my bad habits this year, but then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter.

My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.

I'm also planning to lose 10 pounds this year.... Only 15 more to go.

If 2020 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering!

I watched them "Drop the Ball" in Times Square this year to remind me of what happened to us in 2020.

Now that it's 2021, we all have 2020 hindsight.

With all the "testing" going on in 2020, I started off the new year by taking an IQ test. The results were negative.

Which band should you listen to on new years day for a chance at good luck in the new year? The Black Eyed Peas.

If you're born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a bang!

 

[REWahoo]

Old Pilot Flying Quotations


The difference between fear and terror: fear is when your calculations show you may not have enough fuel to make it to your destination. Terror is when you realize you were right.

"Mommy, I want to grow up and be a pilot." " Honey, you can’t do both."

When you see a tree in the clouds, it’s not good news.

Aviation’s greatest invention was the relief tube.

The older I get, the better pilot I was.

Takeoffs are optional, landings are mandatory.

Pilots - looking down on people since 1903.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no pilot knows exactly what they are.

You can only tie the record for flying low.

Flying is the art of learning to throw yourself at the ground - and miss.

Optimists invented the airplane. Pessimists invented the parachute.

Scientific fact: the rings of Saturn are composed of lost airline luggage.

I was 14 when I wanted to be a pilot. I’m now 80 and still want to be a pilot, but I’d rather be 14 again.

Icarus could have flown if he’d picked a cloudy day.

As George Carlin said, “If black boxes survive crashes, why don’t they make the whole airplane out of that stuff?

Soldier to a pilot: “Why didn’t you join the Army?” Pilot’s answer, “I found out that good food and clean sheets were readily available on nearby Air Force bases.”

“Roger” - a term used by pilots when they can’t figure out what else to say.

Beer was invented to make pilot stories more interesting.

You can’t fly unless you can land, but you can’t land unless you can fly. So, which is it?

Black boxes may be replacing pilots, but pilots can be maintained easily and produced by unskilled labor.

 

[braumeister]

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[Car-Guy]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the local general store.

On the day of the trail, the lawyer for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take the cash offer with the understanding that neither party could "back out" of the settlement.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I duped you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

My favorite algebra equation - Makes sense to me....

 

[Car-Guy]

A few (well more than a few) word puns - no doubt some maybe re-posts

1. I knew a woman who owned a taser. Man, was she stunning!
2. I meant to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
3. Did you hear about that great new shovel? It’s ground breaking.
4. This whiteboard is remarkable.
5. Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
6. Two antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
7. Writing with a dull pencil is pointless.
8. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
9. The golfer brought an extra pair of pants in case he got a hole in one.
10. Why does Peter Pan fly all the time? He Neverlands.
11. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
12. How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
13. I did a performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
14. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
15. What would you call a fish with a missing eye? A fsh, probably.
16. My dog can do magic tricks. It’s a labracadabrador.
17. What do you call a piece of toast at the zoo? Bread in captivity.
18. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
19. My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
20. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.
21. I wanted to buy a camouflage shirt, but I didn’t see one.
22. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
23. Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
24. Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
25. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
26. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
27. His theory on inertia never seemed to gain momentum.
28. Jill broke her finger today. On the other hand she was completely fine.
29. To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
30. When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
31. I’d ask my teddy bear if he’s hungry, but he’s stuffed.
32. The grape didn’t say much when he got stepped on. He just let out a little wine.
33. You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak.
34. I took a picture of a field of wheat. It was grainy.
35. Yesterday I swallowed some food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

 

[Car-Guy]

Never lie to your kids


I make it a point never to lie to my kids. This morning one of them came up to me and asked, "Where do little babies come from?" And I gave him a straight answer: "Sheer carelessness son! Sheer carelessness!"

 

[Car-Guy]

Little old lady scam...


A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother". The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85", said the clerk.

"How come so much. I only bought bread and milk?"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too".

 

[braumeister]

My favorite algebra equation - Makes sense to me....

Some relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

[Car-Guy]

Some relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

[Car-Guy]

No explanation needed

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Reminds me of my dog.... He hates thunder... Not sure he likes beer though?

 

[Chuckanut]

As long as we are doing math jokes:

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary numbers and those who don’t.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Nemo2]

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

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"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.

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I renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

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Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

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What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

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Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

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Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

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The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need.”

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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, but it let out a little whine.

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[Car-Guy]

I've always felt that Taylor Swift is best watched with the sound turned off.

 

[Car-Guy]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
She wanted to know, "Doctor is it true," that the medication you prescribed for me has to be taken 4 times a day for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"Well I'm wondering, just how serious is my condition because this rather small prescription bottle is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

 

[Jeb-NY]

My 85-Year-Old Grandfather Was Rushed To The Hospital
The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.

 

[Jeb-NY]

I had enough I won't mention the name of the place, but I'm feeling pretty upset right now. Last night I bought something from a local store. I paid cash for the item. I took it home and found out it didn't work. I returned and asked if I could get a replacement or a refund. The person at the counter told me "NO." I thought that strange, so I asked to talk to the manager. I was feeling anger rising, but held it in as I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."

No refund.
No FREE replacement.
I''ll tell you what... I am never buying another Lotto ticket from there again.

 

[Car-Guy]

Three old brothers.



One night the 96-year-older brother draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
His 94-year-old brother yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92-year-old youngest brother was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his older brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
He knocks on wood for good luck.
He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

[Walt34]

My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.

This actually happened to FIL when he was in Hershey Hospital in Hershey, PA several years ago. Dr. there asked if he knew where he was, FIL said "Hershey Hospital".

"How do you know that?"

"It's written on your shirt."