Sibling Doesn’t have a dime to his name

[Amethyst]

Well, I don't seem to have any down-at-heel relatives. That said, I have had some penurious friends from time to time. Has anyone noticed that throughout life, the most feckless people often seem to have the most friends? I realize this sounds cynical, but it is something I've observed since young adulthood.

I think it is because they never turn down a chance to buy a round, or bail out a friend. They don't make people feel bad for accepting their gifts and charity. And they're no threat to anyone's ego, since everyone knows they haven't got much, and admires them for being willing to "give the shirt off his/her back." In short, they have traded (probably not consciously) financial independence for popularity.

 

[Nemo2]

In short, they have traded (probably not consciously) financial independence for popularity.

And they're generally quite immature/childlike, never considering the long(er) term impact(s) of anything.....as long as they're having 'fun'......grasshoppers and ants indeed.

 

[ivinsfan]

And they're generally quite immature/childlike, never considering the long(er) term impact(s) of anything.....as long as they're having 'fun'......grasshoppers and ants indeed.

I disagree with your labeling..I have a niece who's Mom is now on husband number 4. Nieces Dad was my DB husband number 1..left my brother when my DN was 18 months old. DN has a handful of sibs from 2 different men and had much upheaval in her childhood.

She is married to a wonderful man and spends much money on her only child, family stuff, family bonding stuff. She's giving her child the childhhood she never had and is more then generous to her kid. I've no doubt some of this money could/should be "put away for a rainy day". It's not your place to call that immature/childlike. Perhaps the spenders have more friends because they don't calculate everything about money.

 

[Sunset]

I disagree with your labeling..I have a niece who's Mom is now on husband number 4. Nieces Dad was my DB husband number 1..left my brother when my DN was 18 months old. DN has a handful of sibs from 2 different men and had much upheaval in her childhood.

She is married to a wonderful man and spends much money on her only child, family stuff, family bonding stuff. She's giving her child the childhhood she never had and is more then generous to her kid. I've no doubt some of this money could/should be "put away for a rainy day". It's not your place to call that immature/childlike. Perhaps the spenders have more friends because they don't calculate everything about money.

Spending a lot on your child when you don't have much is not the same as spending a lot on friends - buying drinks at the bar, paying for a vacation, picking up the tab. etc.

I think there is a big difference between the two, and blowing all your money on friends to buy popularity is immature and stupid. The spenders have more friends, until they run out of money and start asking for "loans".

 

[ivinsfan]

Spending a lot on your child when you don't have much is not the same as spending a lot on friends - buying drinks at the bar, paying for a vacation, picking up the tab. etc.

I think there is a big difference between the two, and blowing all your money on friends to buy popularity is immature and stupid. The spenders have more friends, until they run out of money and start asking for "loans".

But why do you say they are trying to buy popularity?maybe they don't have an agenda and just they aren't good with money.they don't have to be immature and stupid..that's kind of harsh

 

[Sunset]

But why do you say they are trying to buy popularity?maybe they don't have an agenda and just they aren't good with money.they don't have to be immature and stupid..that's kind of harsh

True, I am being harsh, probably because I have lived with the issue for my entire life.

I have a sibling that does exactly that, buys popularity and friends with being very generous to other's. Then turns around and asks me for $$$$ because some bill comes up and gee whiz they are short of cash

I have seen often how a new person is "a friend" to my sibling when the gifts or spending happens, but when that stops the ride is over and the "friend" is gone.

Of the few long term friends of my sibling have even said "oh xx is so generous and nice" and they are rather shocked when I tell them xx has zero savings.

 

[Luck_Club]

I think that every family has at least one person who was put on earth to be a bad example.
I have a cousin who blew through three inheritances. I have no sympathy for her whatsoever.

Are we related

 

[rayinpenn]

I don't have any answers. Theories about why people end up like they do, but that's all I have. Laziness, feeling of self entitlement, lack of ambition,parasitic behavior stemming from past behavior because they got away with it before so had no incentive to improve.

There was a short lived show on TV where a financial planner sought to help some desperate families. One particular episode the family was in dire straights. The wife was an incredible spend thrift - She simply refused to change her ways.. I think mental illness or deficiency of some kind. The poor husband was at his end of his tolerance.

Sometimes it means something is very wrong...

 

[aja8888]

There was a short lived show on TV where a financial planner sought to help some desperate families. One particular episode the family was in dire straights. The wife was an incredible spend thrift - She simply refused to change her ways.. I think mental illness or deficiency of some kind. The poor husband was at his end of his tolerance.

Sometimes it means something is very wrong...

When I questioned my ex-wife (at the time, current wife) on why she has to shop every day and buy all kinds of stuff we don't need, her answer was:

"Some people just have to shop"

 

[Jeffman52]

Seems that most are in this same boat with the siblings. Mine are no different.

I have five siblings that have not saved a penny.

My older brother at least has his Military retirement to help offset his SS when he does fully retire. He has a few thousand saved in 401K but nothing that will last long. We stay in contact a lot but he never asks for money or financial help. If I had to call favorites, he would be my favorite brother. Great guy, very smart in many ways. Just never saved.

One younger brother and I have not spoken to each other in years but last I knew he had also not saved a dime. We don't speak because of anything in particular, he just doesn't stay in touch. I reach out every once in a while to make sure he is OK. He always says, hey lets stay in touch. I send a few letters, make a few calls, send some cards, never hear back.

Another younger brother that has spent a lot of years in jail and will live on the edge his entire life. He asked me for a bailout once a couple of years ago. I gave him an $500 gift to bail him out with the caveat that I could never help him again in that manner so don't bother calling.

I have a sister that has done pretty well, but I don't know what her saving habits are. I have a few thousand for her first child that my dad had me put aside for him just before he died that I will give to the child to get them into college.

I have another sister that lives on the edge and will probably be fine living on SS because they live such a low standard of living.

My wife's siblings are doing very well and both have saved and are ready to retire with dignity and enjoy time not working.

My ex-wife's family, none of them have saved a penny and will have to live off SS.

 

[JoeWras]

We have the whole range in my family and close extended family. My closest cousin retired at age 45. A true ER story. Now reaching age 65 and going strong. My wife has a sibling that lives in a shack in the woods. Every couple of years we meet him when he is freezing to death (not exaggerating) and give him a few bucks. He spends almost nothing and is just now getting SS, so I think he'll be OK.

 

[EastWest Gal]

My sister gave up being an engineer to be an LPN. Very bad financial choice IMO. Her husband worked for Boeing until the early 90s, then got laid off. He hasn't had a steady job since then. He's all talk about self sufficiency, libertarian, but has relied on my sister to keep a roof over his head. She had the same inheritance I did and keeps her money separate from my BIL because he'd spend it on hobbies. When I chat with my sister we talk about investment strategies. BIL is anti-union and she's a union shop sterward. What a mess.

My two brother-in-laws are pretty distant, which suits us fine. The oldest is doing ok-has a decent job as an insurance adjuster. But he's moved twice and didn't tell us where he is living until it showed up on Facebook-California to Texas to Arizona. No wife, kids, or other family. My husband's younger brother has had trouble with drugs in the past, and is a classical musician, which pays poorly. He gets by as the handyman for his apartment building and music work in ballet and opera orchestras. Free rent in San Francisco which is a huge plus. They and my DH are distant, which suits us fine. We don't feel we owe them for anything and I don't intend to offer any help when they get old. We've been the stable ones. I gave up too much of my time to earning a living to help relatives who don't even try to maintain a relationship.

 

[haha]

But why do you say they are trying to buy popularity?maybe they don't have an agenda and just they aren't good with money.they don't have to be immature and stupid..that's kind of harsh

"Nobody knows you when you are down and out..."

 

[Elbata]

Reminds me of the "eschew obfuscation" bumper sticker!

Knowing the context in which you posted made me smile.

But if I was driving behind the car that had it, my brain would twist itself in a knot.

 

[Milton]

I have one sibling who I’m certain doesn’t have a dime (we rarely talk). It causes me great worry.

What, specifically, do you worry about?

 

[pb4uski]

I'm guessing worry that the sibling will contact the poster and try to guilt him into a "loan".

 

[Milton]

My sister gave up being an engineer to be an LPN. Very bad financial choice IMO.

You're probably right; but there is a lot more to life than money. Perhaps she felt a calling to help people, or maybe she just realized that her talents were more aligned to nursing than engineering. If either of those possibilities applies, she's much better off as an LPN than gutting it out as an engineer merely to earn a larger paycheque ... we only live once.

My sister ... keeps her money separate from my BIL because he'd spend it on hobbies.... What a mess.

What a mess, indeed.

On the basis of the very limited information provided, it sounds like your BIL is immature (and/or in denial), and your sister treats him like a child rather than an equal partner. I suspect that their marriage is racked with mutual resentment.

 

[nhcycling]

I’m certain that my spouses siblings don’t have much for retirement. They are lifelong part-time workers, most are single, and for years got handouts from their parents to make ends meet. One is parent is now gone, and the other now lives month to month on SS. Occasionally we’d gift one of them, who had small children at the time, to help with car purchases etc.

We’ve been fortunate in our careers, worked hard and have done well. We’ve always LBYM and maxed 401 contributions.

There won’t be any handouts from us in our retirement. Though I’m sure I’ll feel bad when the time comes.

My siblings seem to be all set financially so no worries with them.

 

[Milton]

I'm guessing worry that the sibling will contact the poster and try to guilt him into a "loan".

If so, that's easily addressed: just say no. Unless the OP has significantly contributed to brother's (suspected) impecunious condition, why should he or she feel any guilt?

I appreciate that relationships are tricky things, and that sometimes a rational position is difficult to implement. However, in this case there clearly isn't much of an existing relationship ("we rarely talk"), so there's no real risk of jeopardizing it.

If the OP nevertheless feels that "no" is not a viable answer, I'd suggest that it would be prudent to start accumulating a modest cash reserve ($10,000? $25,000?) notionally allocated towards bailing out the brother. That would give piece of mind, as well as being more productive than just stewing about the prospect.

 

[davebarnes]

Not my circus, not my monkey

 

[mistermike40]

I have three siblings, and the youngest has "borrowed" fairly substantial amounts of money from the other three over the years. We have privately vowed never to lend her money again but harbor no ill will towards her... however she feels guilty and is essentially estranged from the family now (her choice).

It's really sad, and a not-fun way to learn a lesson about lending money.

 

[braumeister]

however she feels guilty and is essentially estranged from the family now (her choice).

Maybe we could fix her up with my BIL, who doesn't feel the slightest guilt over not repaying loans.

 

[gayl]

I have one sibling who I’m certain doesn’t have a dime (we rarely talk). It causes me great worry. I can’t and couldn’t live his working and saving life for him I certainly can’t live his retirement, but life hasn’t made it easy on him.

Anyone in the same boat who would care to chime in...
How do you make it work in your mind?

my oldest sister inherited $66,000, then she inherited $300,000 (husband's family). She does not have one dime to her name. She exists on Social Security, her husband's meager part time income, ACA, and probably some other assistance. After I got her through HARP she went to Paris for a week and then Prague for another week the following year interspersed with multiple shopping trips to NYC, I stopped being concerned with her life decisions. At least in California she can go into senior housing where they will only take 25% of her income. (Another sister has already advised her to get on the waiting list.) It is not my job to make sure that she has a comfortable lifestyle. And I know that I'm saying that when I have plenty of extra money. But it's "not my circus, not my monkey" .... I'll only contribute the tax revenue

 

[Bruceski44]

My 43 YO stepson just shared his brand new investment plan with me. We talked a few times before about it and he always said his plan was to inherit money. Maybe he finally realized splitting the inheritance 3 ways (siblings) wouldn't amount to as much as he thought, or maybe my ER woke him up, or maybe our prayers worked. Whatever, I'm so happy he finally saw the light. He and his wife make good money, but spend it all on lifestyle. Bad car leases, status symbols, big house; little savings, no investments. He even said he was expecting to get a tax refund somewhere between $8000 and $12000. Maybe at some point I can tell him to stop making zero interest loans to the government.

 

[rayinpenn]

If the OP nevertheless feels that "no" is not a viable answer, I'd suggest that it would be prudent to start accumulating a modest cash reserve ($10,000? $25,000?) notionally allocated towards bailing out the brother. That would give piece of mind, as well as being more productive than just stewing about the prospect.

I worry about my brother because he is my brother. He may be a 60 year old man but we siblings shared some very difficult times. He’s had some especially tuff breaks in his life not of his own doing. Still, No question about it -he is bad with money.

If he asks for help I’ll give it... but I won’t become his bank as it isn’t my money alone. We travel down life’s path but one time, all we can do is try to do the right thing.