5 Biggest Regrets People Have Before They Die Article

[Souschef]

When DW and I were doing grief counseling, we told the people that the woulda shoulda coulda thoughts could drive you nuts. You cannot change the past, but look to the future.

 

[Midpack]

Sounds like an old list. Are we supposed to have regrets in our final years?

 

[kimcdougc]

I tend to be the cup is half full rather than the cup is half empty person. No regrets. Life is a learning process. Hopefully we all learn from any regrets we might have. Life is good. I hope I can at the end of my life (remember) a life well lived. I have less than some and so much more than others. God has been good to me and my family and I am blessed.

 

[ER Eddie]

I don't really identify with the people who say they have no regrets. I can easily look back on my life and see many things I wish I would've handled differently at the time. I agree there is no point in dwelling on it or beating myself up over it, but to say "I have no regrets about anything I've ever done" would seem self-deluded and a bit arrogant to me. Of course I regret the way I handled some things. I've made plenty of blunders. I've learned from most of them. There are plenty of times that I could've done better, but I didn't. I have plenty of shortcomings. I'm not ashamed of that or beating myself up about it. It's just the truth.

As for the list, the only one that resonates with me is this one, although it's only a bit resonant:

3) “I wish I had the courage to express my feelings and speak my mind.”

I have worked very hard to do that, throughout my life. It's been a huge area of growth for me. I think I would rephrase it to "I wish I had more often had the courage to my feelings and speak my mind more clearly." I did it plenty, so this doesn't really qualify as a "regret," so much as a "I did pretty well, but I know I could've done better. There were many times I was not as honest and open as I could've been (not out of prudence but fear)."

 

[steelyman]

There are some interesting viewpoints on approaching death in a book I’ve read several times. The book is really about living, but has the following points about facing death. Each point has a short paragraph saying more but I’ll only copy the text following the last point.

First, death is certain.
Second, the time of death is uncertain.
Third, you will die alone.
Fourth, in death all our possessions and accomplishments are of no value. The only support for us as we die is the condition of our heart, shaped by the words, deeds, and thoughts of a lifetime. All that has made us worthwhile people in life is useless to us in death. Death does not care if you are important or insignificant, accomplished or without skills. Have you loved? Are you kind? Is there some wisdom, forbearance, compassion in you? Only qualities like these can serve us now.

 

[RobbieB]

I never worked hard in my life. Not school (2.4 gpa) and not at work either. Did the least possible to just get by and maximize MY time.

Retired a multi millionaire.

 

[Dtail]

#4 to some extent, but don't regret working long hours in my career, as that is how I partially got here in the first place.
I will add that I wish I knew more about personal finance earlier in my life.

 

[robnplunder]

Some of the items on this list really resonated with me. What do you think?

No, they do not resonate with me at all but I am not at my deathbed yet. For now, I have a totally different set of regrets. That's probably b/c I didn't live a normal life, and have atypical personality.

 

[TromboneAl]

>4) “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

My experience: You find some old friend on Facebook, and you reconnect for a while and then find you don't have much in common any more. If the friend visits, you are glad when he/she leaves.

>5) “I wish I had let myself be happier.”

What does that mean? I can see "I wish I'd made more of an effort to be happy," but I don't see people consciously not allowing themselves to be happy.

I've concluded that happiness is mostly an innate trait.

I did a poll here years ago, and most reported an average happiness level of 6/10.

 

[MarieIG]

That's therapy? for a dying person? No thanks I'll pass on being probed as I am lying on my deathbed..

+1

Instead of making her patients as comfortable and as happy and/or accepting as possible she dregs up regrets when they have neither the time nor ability to repair the situation. She's making their passing more painful, not less.

Calling this "therapy" is a cover for unconscionable self-interested experimentation.

I wonder if one of her regrets will be using terminally ill people for her own personal gain.

 

[Aerides]

I don't really identify with the people who say they have no regrets. I can easily look back on my life and see many things I wish I would've handled differently at the time. I agree there is no point in dwelling on it or beating myself up over it, but to say "I have no regrets about anything I've ever done" would seem self-deluded and a bit arrogant to me.

I think that's probably somewhat based on your definition of regret.
To me, it's a loaded word, and implies not so much "things I would have done differently" or mistakes, but things that give you concern still. Things you feel badly about, and feel sad about. A sense of loss, disappointment in oneself.

So to say one has no regrets doesn't mean one is perfect or has made no mistakes, and only good choices. But maybe it just means nothing significant that, all these years later, they still feel badly about and truly wish they could change.

 

[friar1610]

It's funny how when we look back at what we did we can easily spot the imperfections and mistakes. But when we speculate about how things would have turned out if only we had done this or that differently that picture looks much more perfect and the mistakes fewer or non-existent. Human nature, methinks.

 

[Gumby]

My only regret is that I clicked on the link.

 

[NW-Bound]

I don't really identify with the people who say they have no regrets. I can easily look back on my life and see many things I wish I would've handled differently at the time. I agree there is no point in dwelling on it or beating myself up over it, but to say "I have no regrets about anything I've ever done" would seem self-deluded and a bit arrogant to me. Of course I regret the way I handled some things. I've made plenty of blunders. I've learned from most of them. There are plenty of times that I could've done better, but I didn't. I have plenty of shortcomings. I'm not ashamed of that or beating myself up about it. It's just the truth...

Yes, I do have little regrets from time to time, as I make mistakes. I keep reflecting on what I do, so as to avoid making even bigger mistakes.

I don't have anything so big that I would have to beat myself over them again when I am about to leave this world though. And the list of 5 regrets in the OP does not resonate with me.

 

[RobbieB]

I never had many friends, but I do stay close to them. Still go visit them in Michigan regularly. College chums and fraternity brothers -

 

[Starsky]

In my experience, there is a new level of thinking about these topics when your death is staring you in the face. There is no more powerless and humbling feeling; and yet there is also a feeling of impending peace. Everything you own, everything you've done, and everyone you love are seen in a new light of an eternal past and future. Things that used to be the most important things in your life become virtually meaningless; and the most simple pleasures - like the feel of a cool sea breeze - become priceless gifts for which you would trade almost anything.

As far as regrets, it seems that anyone who has the ability to self-analyze, has the opportunity to find something to regret. Some carry much heavier baggage than others; and, ironically, some of the most successful people carry the greatest regrets. For those for whom life has been hard, I can understand their regrets for not achieving many of the things that we may take for granted. Not everyone gets roses with their wine.

This quote more or less sums up the feeling:

"Sitting with poor and less fortunate people removes the ego and pride from your heart." - Ibn Al-Qayyim

 

[Amethyst]

Well said.

I think we've all had the "if only I'd known about that stock" thoughts. OTOH, there are a few major decisions I had to make, that despite my best research and pondering, turned out poorly.

If I could go back and do it over again (at the same age I was then, but with future knowledge of how things would go wrong) I might make different decisions. Then again, maybe not.

Anyway, I don't think that's what the article poses. It poses that the dying people regret the way they lived their lives - not individual decisions they made. And that's what I think is so futile, not to mention odd. You are supposed to think about how you are living your life, and make what changes you are able, while you are living it. You don't need the dying words of Australians to tell you that.

If I went back I'd buy a boatload of apple/google/amazon. But other than that? Nope.

I call BS on this article, and almost everything on Linkedin is there as click bait and writer-self-promotion. Most people aren't half as self-aware and articulate as this "list" wants to portray.

 

[NW-Bound]

Well said.

I think we've all had the "if only I'd known about that stock" thoughts. OTOH, there are a few major decisions I had to make, that despite my best research and pondering, turned out poorly.

If I could go back and do it over again (at the same age I was then, but with future knowledge of how things would go wrong) I might make different decisions. Then again, maybe not.

Anyway, I don't think that's what the article poses. It poses that the dying people regret the way they lived their lives - not individual decisions they made. And that's what I think is so futile, not to mention odd. You are supposed to think about how you are living your life, and make what changes you are able, while you are living it. You don't need the dying words of Australians to tell you that.

I definitely took the article as talking about how people live their life and how they interact with other people, and not about missing hot stocks, or buying a lemon car.

 

[ER Eddie]

I think that's probably somewhat based on your definition of regret.

To me, it's a loaded word, and implies not so much "things I would have done differently" or mistakes, but things that give you concern still. Things you feel badly about, and feel sad about. A sense of loss, disappointment in oneself.

So to say one has no regrets doesn't mean one is perfect or has made no mistakes, and only good choices. But maybe it just means nothing significant that, all these years later, they still feel badly about and truly wish they could change.

Yes, it's probably due to different conceptions of what "regret" means. To me, it doesn't mean I'm dwelling on it or currently feeling disappointed in myself about it. It just means, if someone asks me, "Do you regret some of your previous decisions or behavior?" my answer is "Yes, of course I do."

If you define "regret" to mean an ongoing emotion of disappointment in yourself, or something that currently weighs you down -- no, I don't feel "regret" in that sense. I may have felt it at the time, but I don't carry it around with me.

Ultimately, I think that as long as you're learning from your mistakes, that's what matters.

In my experience, there is a new level of thinking about these topics when your death is staring you in the face. There is no more powerless and humbling feeling; and yet there is also a feeling of impending peace. Everything you own, everything you've done, and everyone you love are seen in a new light of an eternal past and future.

Yup. The prospect of death definitely changes your perspective. I know that from my own experience as well as reading for decades about the subject, which I find fascinating. Some think it's morbid and distracts from life, but I think it adds to it, puts things in perspective and helps you to orient better to what matters. At the same time, though, it's disconcerting how often I lose sight of the lessons and get wrapped up ego, mundane day to day stuff, etc. That's why I appreciate the reminders.

 

[jollystomper]

I prefer to "count my blessings" than to "dwell on regrets". For every potential "regret" I might have, I have multiple blessings I never expected to achieve.

If I died tomorrow I would have nothing to complain about.

 

[COcheesehead]

I have spent time with some folks days before death. I never heard a regret spoken. They only cared about who they were with at the time.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I'm sure there are people who have regrets on their deathbeds but I bet they already had those regrets, especially serious ones, not like the ones in this article. And it must be hard enough to go through life with them without a counselor asking you about them during their last days.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

For all of the introverted people who regret not speaking up, I can tell you that always speaking your mind isn't all it's cracked up to be. After hearing many people on this site refer to themselves as INTJ, I asked about it and took that personality test. I tested as ENTJ and the profile was frighteningly accurate.

I don't have much of a filter, and I tend to I blurt out the truth, many times without meaning to, when people ask me questions or in a stressful situation. Most of my regrets are words I wish I could take back. In my 30s I learned to keep my mouth shut until my temper was cool. It took until my 40s to realize that, just cause it was true didn't mean it needed to be said.

There are lots of times when people already know the truth, and they don't want to hear it from you. They will shoot the messenger. There are many times when the truth hurts feelings and doesn't change the outcome at all. Other times I've been glad I spoke up. But it's hard to tell until it's done.

I've damaged and lost a few friendships, but I've also severed some relationships that needed to be.

Sometimes speaking up is a double edged sword. I wish I'd done less of it, but if I'm perfectly honest with myself, there are some parts of my personality I've been working on for years with limited success. Might not be something I'm capable of changing, and no point regretting that.

 

[Sunset]

I know one person that has no regrets, doesn't mind using/screwing over people to fulfill her own needs, then dumping them when they are no longer useful.

I've known her for many decades and she is a true Sociopath.

(no I never dated her so this is not a hate comment)

 

[blueskyk]

There are some interesting viewpoints on approaching death in a book I’ve read several times. The book is really about living, but has the following points about facing death. Each point has a short paragraph saying more but I’ll only copy the text following the last point.

I’m a hospice volunteer and End of Life Doula and I find the summary you provided rich in wisdom. What is the name of the book?

Often when people discuss regrets near the end it is an offering to any inclined to consider and think deeply about their lives in light of their own understanding of the meaning and purpose of life (as many have done in this thread).

The most searing regrets I see in the dying are about broken relationships, which is perhaps, a layer or two deeper underneath the regrets listed in the article.