Sensing resentment from working people, how to respond?

[SnowballCamper]

Hi there,

So DW retired at 45 from being a nurse. She often gets the question, "Why aren't you still working as a nurse?" and it's quite annoying to her. I know there isn't much to be done about it.

For any others out there that get comments like this, especially if you worked in a medical field, or teaching, or similar professional service type field... how do you react?

For myself, I get annoyed by the "thank you for your service" mantra that is heaped on the veterans nowadays. When I'm on my toes, I reply that they should thank a Vietnam Vet, because they got the shaft when they returned to the U.S.

Maybe there is a similar reply for my DWs situation that isn't as snarky as, "Well don't you wish you could retire too?"

Thanks

 

[gwraigty]

Under what circumstances is she being asked this question?

 

[iloveyoga]

Give a big smile, and say I am retired and loving it!

 

[AS2019]

I’m a physician and retiring in February, 2020 at age 49. Most people that I tell just can’t wrap their head around me wanting to retire early. When they ask why, I tell them that I simply lost interest, in being a physician, which is true. “Physician” was always something that I did, like “mechanic”, “accountant”, or “sanitation worker”. I never felt like it defined who I am as a person.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would just reply because I retired. No need to be snarky. I do feel like the thanking someone for their service sounds phony.

 

[HenryD]

If she spend most of her time doing X now, which she hopefullu enjoys, I'd suggest replying with "So I could spend more time doing X!"

 

[W2R]

She often gets the question, "Why aren't you still working as a nurse?" and it's quite annoying to her. I know there isn't much to be done about it.

For any others out there that get comments like this, especially if you worked in a medical field, or teaching, or similar professional service type field... how do you react?

Why not just answer it truthfully? "I have worked hard all of my life, giving all that I had to give, and now I am ready to move on." or some such thing.

They are probably envious and attempting to justify their own life choices. They are also trying to yank her chain by implying that she has an obligation to work forever, to make her feel guilty about retiring. Nobody has that obligation, IMO.

 

[Aerides]

Who is asking and why is this coming up so often as to be annoying?

 

[MissMolly]

I wouldn't worry about what other people think. What other people think about me is none of my business. Nor would I be snarky - what's the point of that? I agree with W2R, there is probably some envy/jealousy involved. Either don't answer the question or just politely respond "because I was ready to be retired". I don't understand why people think a snarky response is required if they are uncomfortable with/don't like a question. I don't understand why your wife lets this make her uncomfortable. It's her life, it's her choice. Just be polite. Maybe it will catch on.

 

[JustCurious]

I don't understand why your wife lets this make her uncomfortable. It's her life, it's her choice.

Because some people are affected and care about what other people think or say about them. Perhaps they shouldn't, but they do, for some people it's just the way they are wired.

 

[RobbieB]

Probably can't grok the person giving up their "dream job" because they are over worked and under paid at their drudge job.

Of course people also can't believe that others save and invest instead of living paycheck to paycheck with maxed out credit cards. They are deathly afraid of losing their jobs and can't believe anyone actually quit a dream job.

Yeah being annoyed is your problem not other peoples problem. People are only annoying if you let them annoy you.

 

[misshathaway]

She could feel uncomfortable b/c she was in a helping profession and now she feels a little back-of-the-mind guilt for not being "useful" any more. She might hear their question as an accusation. I had some of that when I first retired. It wears off.

Written from my porch in Florida in the middle of the afternoon. (I'm cured)

 

[MissMolly]

Well, I have learned over the years to try and ascribe a good or positive thought/feeling behind what people say rather than a bad or negative thought/feeling. It makes for a much more pleasant life. They are probably just not expressing themselves well. Just shrug your shoulders and go on with your life. I doubt any true malice is intended by these poorly worded questions.

 

[yakers]

What I have as a handy reply is actualy not the reason I retired. A couple years prior to retirement I had a night in the cardiac ward that resulted in an ablation procedure to control my afib. I could have kept working, I did like my job but retirement is better. I just tell the curious that 'a night in the cardiac ward convinced me it was time to retire'. Never had a question after that.

 

[Gumby]

For myself, I get annoyed by the "thank you for your service" mantra that is heaped on the veterans nowadays.

As I recall, no one ever thanked me for my service while I was actually doing it. If anything, they either actively loathed me or pitied me for not being able to get a real job. (I joined the USN in 1977, upon high school graduation.)

 

[SnowballCamper]

Under what circumstances is she being asked this question?

When you meet someone and get around to the "What do you do?" question. Its most often a weekday and DW has gone out for some daytime activity. The questioner is always older than DW by a decade or more, and usually another woman.

It's not a big deal, and I'm sure it will wane over time. Neither she, nor I, really identified as our occupation. We see work as the means to an end (freedom from work), but I guess for many people their work is a deeper calling or identity.

Thanks for the variety of thoughtful responses (and faster than expected).

 

[Which Roger]

Because some people are affected and care about what other people think or say about them. Perhaps they shouldn't, but they do, for some people it's just the way they are wired.

She could feel uncomfortable b/c she was in a helping profession and now she feels a little back-of-the-mind guilt for not being "useful" any more. She might hear their question as an accusation. I had some of that when I first retired. It wears off.

OP said that she is annoyed, not that she is uncomfortable. I would find it annoying, too.

 

[samclem]

For any others out there that get comments like this, especially if you worked in a medical field, or teaching, or similar professional service type field... how do you react?

I don't make it a point to tell casual acquaintances that I'm retired. In fact, I'll avoid the subject entirely-- why not?

For myself, I get annoyed by the "thank you for your service" mantra that is heaped on the veterans nowadays. When I'm on my toes, I reply that they should thank a Vietnam Vet, because they got the shaft when they returned to the U.S.

I would never seek to make the world a less friendly place by correcting someone for expressing a nice sentiment. If it's a cashier at Lowes, I usually respond by thanking >them< for being there at work on a nice Sunday morning so I can get the things I need. "Thanks for being here for us!" is all it takes. No need to be snarky, almost everyone is contributing in some way.

 

[Sunset]

Partly I believe people ask folks in good professions like nursing/doctor/lawyer why they aren't working because it is a good well paying profession.

I doubt many garbage collectors get asked why they aren't still working.

Think how much $$$ some of these early retiree's leave behind when they stop working.

 

[gwraigty]

When you meet someone and get around to the "What do you do?" question. Its most often a weekday and DW has gone out for some daytime activity. The questioner is always older than DW by a decade or more, and usually another woman.

It's not a big deal, and I'm sure it will wane over time. Neither she, nor I, really identified as our occupation. We see work as the means to an end (freedom from work), but I guess for many people their work is a deeper calling or identity.

Thanks for the variety of thoughtful responses (and faster than expected).

Ah, I get it. I've been a full-time housewife since 1992. I've had to attend a few patent award dinners over the years, put on by my husband's work, when he's among the group of patent recipients. I found myself being tense, wondering if/when someone might ask that question of me, especially since they make sure that upper management is represented at every table. (One year I was seated right next to the President/CEO/Chairman of the Board. )

One year I confessed my nervousness to my husband. He told me that if anyone asked me what I did, I should say, "I do whatever I want to do."

I don't think anyone has ever asked, so I'm still waiting to use that line. Feel free to have your DW use it.

 

[RunningBum]

You could just say "personal reasons", with a bit of mystery and furtiveness in the voice, perhaps a raise of the eyebrows and a sideways glance. They'll think they know, but later they'll realize it could be any numbers of reasons and they have no idea, and they won't be getting any more information. And it's totally true--we have have our own reasons for no longer working.

 

[Big_Hitter]

"why are you not w*king as an **** ? "

"because I won the game and got a get of of w*rk free card!"

 

[HI Bill]

Of course people also can't believe that others save and invest instead of living paycheck to paycheck with maxed out credit cards. They are deathly afraid of losing their jobs and can't believe anyone actually quit a dream job.

+1. When I used to tell folks about my ER plans, they could not comprehend how someone could RE. What will you live on? Is the most common question I would get! ...and then, some would be jealous.

So, I've given up saying that I'm retiring..I'm going to start my professional nature photographer career. Giving them something helps them wrap their head around the idea of someone quitting a well-paying j$b.

 

[braumeister]

For myself, I get annoyed by the "thank you for your service" mantra that is heaped on the veterans nowadays. When I'm on my toes, I reply that they should thank a Vietnam Vet, because they got the shaft when they returned to the U.S.

As I recall, no one ever thanked me for my service while I was actually doing it. If anything, they either actively loathed me or pitied me for not being able to get a real job. (I joined the USN in 1977, upon high school graduation.)

Just to offer another perspective, I was one of those Vietnam vets who got "the treatment" when I came back. Yes, it hurt, but I'm pretty resilient and never had to deal with the PTSD issues that so many others did.

Anyway, I had never heard this "Thanks for your service" line during the next few decades. My first encounter with it was in 2010 when I was in Vermont. I walked out of the motel I was in and as I opened my car door I notice a guy walking straight toward me. He said "I saw your license plate and I just wanted to say "Welcome home."

It took me a few seconds to process that and understand what he was saying, and then I suddenly found tears running down my cheeks. It was quite a moment, and I'll never forget it.

Since that time, I've heard the "Thanks for your service" line innumerable times, and I always respond with "Thanks for your support."

Please don't ever fault people when they say something like this. I think it just means that they recognize the sacrifice that military people make for the common benefit. In other words, it's not just lip service. Of course, it should be applied to a lot of others as well (police, firefighters, medical personnel, etc.) and I wish there were a simple, graceful way to deal with it. While some people don't realize that most of us actually enjoyed what we did, we can easily forget that when they thank us, they usually mean it.

Sorry for the long story.

 

[Nemo2]

I've experienced resentment during my 'working' life...generally from people I reported to at the time.