It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[braumeister]

.

 

[Alan]

Someone who doesn't know a burrow from a burro doesn't know an a$$ from a hole in the ground.

 

[Car-Guy]

A wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, 'Who the hell was that?'
'Oh,' replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.'
'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce!'
'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.'
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
'Who's that woman with George?' asks the wife.
'That's his mistress,' says her husband.
“Ours is much prettier,' she replies.

 

[Car-Guy]

Sam thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform with handcuffs, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...

 

[Car-Guy]

(You should be able to figure this one out before you get to the punchline.)

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, and it's on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight?"
Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, two rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll send me a paycheck too?

 

[Car-Guy]

A Man Pulls Into a Gas Station in his Porsche, and a kid on a tricycle starts riding around him.
“Wanna race?” asks the kid.
“No thanks,” laughs the guy and drives off.
When he gets on the highway, the kid suddenly zooms past him. “Wow!” the guy says and floors it. He catches up and the kid disappears behind him. A minute later the kid flies past again. Astonished, the guy pulls over, only to see the kid come zooming backward, then forward again, until finally he comes to a stop next to the car.
The man opens the door to find the kid on his tricycle, wheels smoking. The kid pants, “Thanks for stopping mister. My suspenders got caught on your bumper.

 

[Car-Guy]

Another older one that you may have heard....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[REWahoo]

Topless chicks wearing short skirts:

 

[Car-Guy]

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands.
“What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.
She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mark is not yet able to have visitors....

 

[Car-Guy]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet,
gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You %$^&*%. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

 

[Car-Guy]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

 

[Car-Guy]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[Car-Guy]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in....

 

[Car-Guy]

On the outskirts of a small town, here was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin'' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike

 

[Car-Guy]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

 

[CRLLS]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in....

Same story different situation. There was a tractor salesman trying to sell a tractor instead of a bar. Ending with "If you can convince my wife I was only trying to milk that cow, I'll buy that tractor!".

 

[Car-Guy]

Dear Ms Lonelyhearts,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive
and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost,
but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.


Dear Ms Lonelyhearts,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling
around, and when confronted with the evidence, he
denied everything and said it would never happen
again.

 

[harley]

I don't get it.

 

[Car-Guy]

Joan was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded, smelly, and dirty. You're crazy to go there.
So, how are you getting there?”
"We're flying United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”
“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser." United is a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?”
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Taste.”
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's a total dump.”
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, Joan was back again at the hairdresser's. The beautician asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained Joan, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were terrific, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot...
The Taste hotel was great too! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me...”
"Oh, really! What'd he say?”
He said: "Who screwed up your hair?

 

[Car-Guy]

A wife asked her husband a tricky question: “Honey, when I die, will you remarry?”
The husband had a good answer: “Well, dear, I’ve loved being married to you. It’s good to share your life with someone special. So yes, I would remarry.”
“Well,” says the wife, “would you keep living in our house?”
“This is a great house. You’ve done wonders with making it comfortable. So yes, I would keep living here.”
“What about my car?” she persisted. “Would you give her my car?”
“Your car is in great shape, well maintained. It would be wrong to just junk it. So yes, I would give her your car.”
“OK, what about my golf clubs? Would you give her my golf clubs?” asked the wife.
“Oh heck no! She’s left-handed.”

 

[calmloki]

Joan was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded, smelly, and dirty. You're crazy to go there.
So, how are you getting there?”
"We're flying United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”
“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser." United is a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?”
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Taste.”
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's a total dump.”
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, Joan was back again at the hairdresser's. The beautician asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained Joan, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were terrific, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot...
The Taste hotel was great too! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me...”
"Oh, really! What'd he say?”
He said: "Who screwed up your hair?

Really like this one!

 

[Car-Guy]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

 

[Car-Guy]

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”