It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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aja8888 said:
Don't let it worry you! Most members are so old they can't remember most jokes for more than a day or so! Keep bringing them!! :D
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Are you referring to me or REWahoo because he keeps a list? :LOL:


REWahoo said:
My post wasn't an admonishment, it was another joke! :LOL:
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Coming from you, that's the way I took it but it still deserved a response of some sort... :)
 
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:LOL::LOL:


Probably another repeat but I thought I'd post this one just for REWahoo..


A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than a sheriff from Texas. The sheriff asks for license and (Proof of insurance) POI. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "Son, you didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and POI please," says the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and POI and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Okay let me know if you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 
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A man is sent to prison for the first time.

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "twenty-three!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"

"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here sub for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."

Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"You didn't tell it right."
 
:LOL: I'm to lazy to break these up in different posts... Mostly groaners away.....


My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with MY toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."


A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically..."Why does it have to be a secret?"


When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter --haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
 
CRLLS said:
A man is sent to prison for the first time.

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "twenty-three!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"

"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here sub for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."

Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"You didn't tell it right."
Click to expand...

Hold on, didn't I tell that last month? Post #5204 :LOL:
 
Car-Guy said:
No doubt I've post some duplicates (sorry about that) but I'm not about to scan 5000+ posts to check... Hey at least the same jokes don't pop up nearly as often as some questions around here like "When should I take SS" or "Should I take the annuity or the lump sum"....
Click to expand...


Some are good enough to warrant a repost. I enjoyed it each time. THANKS !
 
Two [-]Mafia Bosses[/-], oops, two upper echelon representatives of an organization purportedly affiliated with a particular ethnic group, are playing golf.....(must remain PC).

They are putting, (is that the correct term? I'm not a golfer), when a funeral procession passes on the road below. The first boss takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. His counterpart says "Hey, we playing golf or going to choich?"

The first boss replies "Shaddup you mout, it's a sad day when a beautiful, sexy, talented young girl is buried".

Second guy says, "Hey, dis goil, what did she die of?"

First boss replies "She died of STD".

Second boss - "C'mon, it's 2020, they got medical miracles, nobody dies of STD no more".

First boss - "They do when they give it to me".
 
:LOL::LOL: Another short bundle (maybe some dups)


Wife: ”I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: ”You have perfect eyesight.”


Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”


Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.


Man: calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Man: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Man: The ugly one is winning.


I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.


A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."


Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come in they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
 
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:LOL:

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says!!
 
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:LOL::LOL::LOL:


Jerry finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Jerry. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Jerry is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Jerry looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Jerry goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I'll bet you've been very lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:
He swallows excitedly, and nervously says:

"You mean, I can check the ER Forums from here" :facepalm::facepalm::facepalm:
 
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Here's a Mitch Hedberg style joke...

My attractive dentist said I had deep pockets. I was flattered...at first.
 
:LOL:


My wife put a box with a lock on it in the top of the closet when we first got married, she told me to never look at it or open it under NO Circumstances. Throughout the years I wanted to but never looked in it. Then, after many years, the wife had a stroke and was on her death bed. I stayed with her day and night but wondered about the box as well. I asked her if now was the time to open the box. She stated "Yes now would be a good time to let me explain the box. I opened it and there was 2 little crocheted dolls and a million dollars in it! My wife said, "My mother told me to put a box in there when we first got married and to crochet a little doll each time you made me mad" I was overly excited to know I had just made her mad twice but had to ask her where the million dollars came from? She said, " I got all the money from selling the dolls I crocheted over the years!"
 
:LOL:



Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'.
 
:LOL::LOL:



A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial traits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto Night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself, "Brandi.......work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
 
:LOL: Today's groaners not worthy of individual posts


A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.00 in the Bahamas, and $3.50 in Barbados. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

A friend kept saying, "Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be underground in hole filled with water." I know he means well.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know which comes first
 
:LOL:

Two truck drivers were arguing inside the terminal when one of them said, "I think we need to take this outside!". The other driver said, "I'll be out a soon as I finish this paper work. Meantime, just go out there and practice falling down until I get there."
 
:LOL::LOL::LOL:

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you but the children will remember my birthday for sure." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my beautiful secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss and Happy Birthday." And then I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You now, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By Golly, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had a few martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment to which I quickly agreed."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about five minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat on the couch ... naked.
 
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:LOL::LOL:

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry out."
 
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:LOL::LOL:

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
 
:LOL:

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."
 
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