DNA Testing and New Sibling?

[travelover]

Look at the other side of the issue. I know someone who would have been a great father but due to the mother not telling him she was pregnant and then giving the child up for adoption also without telling him he missed the chance to raise his son. He only found out a few years ago that he even had a son when he was contacted by his 30-year old son.

I guarantee that my friend doesn't think that he received a "get out of responsibility" card.

There is a long standing solution for this "problem". It is called marriage.

 

[googily]

Haven't read the entire thread so hopefully this isn't too much off target...and warning that I feel very strongly about adoption and finding your birth family but this is just my opinion about my life.

I was adopted during the 1960's when many women were forced by their families and society to give up their children. There are many support groups for adults my age who have been dealing with the fall out of closed adoptions. There is a good book written about that era and adoption titled: "The Girls Who Went Away". It's heartbreaking to read about how mothers were basically forced to give up their children. In my upper middle class family it was thought better to rip a kid away from their birth mother than to be embarrassed to your friends and neighbors by your pregnant daughter (who was in her 20's at the time).

Through new state laws I was able to obtain my original birth certificate and now know who my mother is, know who my aunts and uncles are, know that I have a 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister, etc. My father is not listed on the certificate and it will take a DNA test to figure out who he is. Which I plan to do. My father as far as I've been told didn't even know my mother was pregnant.

I am in my 50's. The family secret, or their family secret, is not my fault and not my responsibility to keep. I want to know my ancestry, I want to know my medical history, and I want to feel connected. If my birth family doesn't want a relationship with me, well, that's their loss and has nothing to do with who I am because they don't know me. My adoptive mother agreed and encouraged me to find my birth family and I am thankful for that.

Uh.... You weren't adopted in 1961, were you?

"The Girls Who Went Away" is exactly the story of my mother. She was sent to a special group home once she started showing and stayed there until she gave birth. (She was 20, though was already 2000 miles from home.)

 

[ivinsfan]

Uh.... You weren't adopted in 1961, were you?

"The Girls Who Went Away" is exactly the story of my mother. She was sent to a special group home once she started showing and stayed there until she gave birth. (She was 20, though was already 2000 miles from home.)

If you don't mind sharing how did you come by this info? Did your Mom share it with you?

 

[googily]

If you don't mind sharing how did you come by this info? Did your Mom share it with you?

We discussed it up thread. My father told me about it, a few years after my mother died.

 

[ivinsfan]

We discussed it up thread. My father told me about it, a few years after my mother died.

That's right sorry, so your Mom never felt able to talk about it for whatever reason.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I'm done here too. As mentioned I am an adopted orphan from birth. I respect everyone and I only want what is best for everyone. I was fortunate as a baby of 1965.


I'll leave it with this. Thank you to my birth mother, I wish you well. To my birth father, I wish you well. If you even know. No hard feelings.


To my adoptive parents. Thank you for everything. My whole extended family too.


To those who keep track of bloodlines... you may have a surprise coming to you with the new DNA tracking available to anyone. Please don't treat them as lesser than "bloodline" relatives. And please don't put an asterisk by their name in your family bloodline.


We're all here to help each other, regardless of who we share DNA with.


Love you all.


The guy from MN

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

Regarding the "bloodlines" vs. asterisk issue:

My wife has an unusual name, only about 40 in the US. The name is distinctive of a region in the "home country" in Europe. A "relative" (more later) from the home country who was very much into genealogy contacted her years ago to try to flesh out the family tree. He had constructed 4 family trees of the [unusual name] family, going back to I think the 1500's. There were four trees, only because he was trying to correctly reconcile and unite them.

On a temporary work assignment, we were living near [home country], so the genealogist invited us to visit. We had a wonderful time. We got to meet lots of people with the [unusual name], getting a free rental Lancia to drive from the relative's Fiat dealer, staying with relatives at their BnB, etc. The genealogist had a lovely daughter who spoke very good English, and she was designated as our interpreter and guide. (I will call her "Katerina" here.) It was a great experience. They showed us their genealogical records, which encompassed many file cabinets. We were blown away when he opened one of the drawers, picked out the correct file, and showed my wife pictures of her own grandfather, and of her own father as a child! (See pictures below.) Amazing, really.

One complicating aspect was that my wife's grandfather had been adopted into this [unusual name] family in the US. The genealogist was aware of this, but minimized the importance of this fact. (Frankly, this garnered my respect, but it was to be undone later, as you will see.)

On our last night, the genealogist gathered many of the local relatives for a presentation about the family history, and a display of his family trees. Due to the language barrier, I didn't understand much, but it was great fun. "Katerina" explained as much as she could to us.

After the presentation, we milled around convivially, and examined the four family trees. "Katerina" helped to explain where we fit, and helped show us where my wife's distant US cousins fit into the tree, and how my wife was related to everyone. Hell, even I was on the tree as a spouse. Great fun.

Then, we asked, where are YOU on the tree, Katerina? She was not on the tree! She grew a bit embarrassed and diffident.

The reason her father had not put her on the tree was that she was born out of wedlock! So she did not have [unusual name] for her surname! I wanted to scream to the genealogist "She is not on YOUR tree because YOU didn't marry HER MOTHER." And while my DW was not, in fact, a blood relation, she has [unusual name] as her surname.

 

[Buckeye]

Haven't read the entire thread so hopefully this isn't too much off target...and warning that I feel very strongly about adoption and finding your birth family but this is just my opinion about my life.

I was adopted during the 1960's when many women were forced by their families and society to give up their children. There are many support groups for adults my age who have been dealing with the fall out of closed adoptions. There is a good book written about that era and adoption titled: "The Girls Who Went Away". It's heartbreaking to read about how mothers were basically forced to give up their children. In my upper middle class family it was thought better to rip a kid away from their birth mother than to be embarrassed to your friends and neighbors by your pregnant daughter (who was in her 20's at the time).

Through new state laws I was able to obtain my original birth certificate and now know who my mother is, know who my aunts and uncles are, know that I have a 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister, etc. My father is not listed on the certificate and it will take a DNA test to figure out who he is. Which I plan to do. My father as far as I've been told didn't even know my mother was pregnant.

I am in my 50's. The family secret, or their family secret, is not my fault and not my responsibility to keep. I want to know my ancestry, I want to know my medical history, and I want to feel connected. If my birth family doesn't want a relationship with me, well, that's their loss and has nothing to do with who I am because they don't know me. My adoptive mother agreed and encouraged me to find my birth family and I am thankful for that.

Just posting this because I wanted to represent the other side of the coin - the child - who has no connection to their family/roots/history/medical information. I will respect the wishes of my birth family if they do not want to maintain contact but I refuse to pretend like I should be an embarrassment to anyone just because I exist.

My mother was forced to give up a daughter who was born one month short of my mother's 22nd birthday. Unfortunately, both my half-sister and my mother passed by the time my niece found me through 23 and Me. My mother mentioned the adoption once 45 years ago and never spoke of it again which is why I purposefully opened up access to my DNA.

It's still mind boggling to me my grandparents had such power over my mother when my mother was almost 22. My niece is getting the original birth certificate through an organization called WARM. The second I saw the picture of my half-sister, I knew she was my mother's daughter. My mother has been confirmed as my niece's grandmother but we don't yet have the info on the father although he is named on the birth certificate. The original birth certificate was supposedly opened with a court order around this Thanksgiving.

My mother and grandmother were never close.

 

[Music Lover]

There is a long standing solution for this "problem". It is called marriage.

It appears that you didn't read my comment. She broke up with him, never told him she was pregnant, and never gave him the option to raise his own child.

 

[travelover]

It appears that you didn't read my comment. She broke up with him, never told him she was pregnant, and never gave him the option to raise his own child.

Well, she had 9 months invested and he probably had 10 minutes, so I'd say it was her call.

 

[atmsmshr]

Friend of mine became a donor at a fertility clinic starting in the 1980's for spare cash. With the advent of DNA registries, his mother pestered him to get tested, but he refused. So his mother got tested and placed on a DNA registry about three years ago.

Apparently, you can trace close blood relatives with ease if you test and match - as in the case of some children who learn that their mother was artificially inseminated.

He is now up to three daughters and a son. And a grandson. A happy blessing for him since he never had children in his marriage.

 

[wompo]

Just found out my older sister is actually my half sister. I did 23andMe years ago and recently my sister did the test primarily for the health part of it. We always knew my mom was pregnant before they got married back in the 50s but they never mentioned this. Maybe they did not know or she just assumed it was dad. Everyone who would know is gone so it is what it is I guess.

 

[Katsmeow]

Just found out my older sister is actually my half sister. I did 23andMe years ago and recently my sister did the test primarily for the health part of it. We always knew my mom was pregnant before they got married back in the 50s but they never mentioned this. Maybe they did not know or she just assumed it was dad. Everyone who would know is gone so it is what it is I guess.

Actually it is likely that it would be possible to determine your sister's biological father. I am an adoptee and I found my deceased biological father thru DNA testing. One of my main retirement hobbies is helping people solve these kinds of searches.

Your sister may or may not want to know about her biological paternal side. But, if she did the odds are good that she could either identify her biological father or could narrow it down significantly. Of course, it depends. I have solved a search as quickly as half an hour while others I have worked on for over a year. Most are more time than half an hour but well less than a year.

 

[braumeister]

I've known a few adoptees and none of them have had any interest in tracking down their birth parents. I couldn't be that way -- I would want to know.

 

[ivinsfan]

I've known a few adoptees and none of them have had any interest in tracking down their birth parents. I couldn't be that way -- I would want to know.

Since you aren't adopted your perspective is not the same,so how do you really know how you'd feel ? I think you have to walk a mile in those shoes.

 

[wompo]

At this point, she is undecided on trying to identify her biological paternal family. I guess time will tell.

 

[Chuckanut]

At this point, she is undecided on trying to identify her biological paternal family. I guess time will tell.

From my coffee cup:

Anybody can be a Father, but it takes somebody special to be a Daddy.

 

[EastWest Gal]

DH is adopted and knew it from an early age. Years after his adoptive parents passed, his biological mother tracked him down. He was delighted to meet her. She has since visited us and we have visited her, and it has been interesting. He is fairly indifferent to his half siblings but we have connections and stay in touch with his biological mom, and visit when we can. She lives close to where my cousins are and one cousin has been her tenant for about 4 years.

I've done ancestry stuff but am not really interested in that aspect of the family as our connection is limited and we have no family experience with them. DH's bio-mom has done extensive research on her family and that of her two husband's, and even the bio-father of DH despite his existence being the result of a date rape when she was a teenager. DH's adoptive parents doted on our son, their only grandson, but they passed away before he was four. DH's adoptive brothers barely acknowledge our existence.

It is what it is.

 

[Sunset]

Actually it is likely that it would be possible to determine your sister's biological father. I am an adoptee and I found my deceased biological father thru DNA testing. One of my main retirement hobbies is helping people solve these kinds of searches.

Your sister may or may not want to know about her biological paternal side. But, if she did the odds are good that she could either identify her biological father or could narrow it down significantly. Of course, it depends. I have solved a search as quickly as half an hour while others I have worked on for over a year. Most are more time than half an hour but well less than a year.

I did the 23andMe test, to see if I could find biological relatives on my bio father side.
I did talk to my bio mom, (at least she said she was, when I spent 5 days searching the internet). She refused to tell me the bio father's name. Later I realized she might not actually know and it would be embarrassing to give me a list of names.

23andMe tells me I have 1,500 DNA relatives
Of course only about 3 are more than 4% related.
If I read it correctly almost all are on the bio father side.
The closest relation is 15%, but she didn't answer my connect request.

So far it's been a puzzle, and not as simple as seeing someone related 50%.

 

[DrRoy]

Just found out my older sister is actually my half sister. I did 23andMe years ago and recently my sister did the test primarily for the health part of it. We always knew my mom was pregnant before they got married back in the 50s but they never mentioned this. Maybe they did not know or she just assumed it was dad. Everyone who would know is gone so it is what it is I guess.

Not too far from my situation, except that I found out the bio Dad was a sperm donor. I have also found 4 other half siblings, 3 of whom I have now met, and the 4th I am meeting in about a week. Found the donor too, but no contact there.

 

[Alan]

DW's oldest sibling is a half sister she only discovered 2 or 3 years ago. This sister had always known she had been adopted from a few months old, and her adoptive parents were wonderful folk. After they were both long gone she was curious and did DNA testing through Ancestry.com, and when my wife noticed there was someone very closely related she got in contact. It has been a very positive experience all round and we now have a whole new family living in Cornwall that we visit when we can.

Turns out my wife's father, who is Cornish, had this relationship back in 1948, long before he met her mother. She found a photo of her about 15 years ago when she was going through old photos they had and scanning in the ones she thought were worth keeping. (My wife is the "family historian" for both her and my family). Her father said it was an old girlfriend who had dumped him, when in reality the family had whisked her off to the country once they found out she was pregnant and subsequently the whole family moved away to escape the scandal

 

[marko]

While I find it fascinating, from what I know of my existing family tree/history, I think I'll leave well enough alone!

IMO there's a reason our genes have remained hidden for all these millions or years.

 

[Gumby]

I found out last year that I have a first cousin I never knew about. It turns out that one of my dad's two sisters had a baby girl when she was young and single. My aunt gave the child up for adoption, and not a word was ever again spoken of it in the family. The woman's adoptive parents recently died and she decided to track down her birth family. She found my dad/her uncle through a "23 and me" match. (He had submitted a swab right before he died in 2018.) Sadly, my aunt/her birth mother died of cancer in 1972. She was, however, able to track down my other aunt and meet with her. My newfound cousin is two years younger than me, so I remain the oldest of my generation. I don't know if she has found her birth father.

 

[target2019]

A month or so ago I emailed a match after years of encountering her interesting email addy on various testing sites. She was part of a cluster of matches I couldn't tie into. She responded and asked me to call, and I did so.

Two hours later I had a fascinating story. But it didn't really involve recent ancestors, and it turns out the connection is 5-6 generations ago. I don't know the specific connection, but is became obvious what part of my family this was in. It was very informative for many reasons.

About 65 years ago, a 3rd-5th cousin of mine impregnanted a young girl. She was sent out west to a well-known facility, had the child, and she was put up for adoption. The adoptee recently found out through DNA and a researcher who the father was, and met him. They are witholding the mother's name from her. And her husband recently died, which has devastated her in many ways, especially since he helped her for many years to deal with this, and was involved in the discovery process.

It made me incredibly sad to find this out. But she seemed to be positive about life, and that's all that matters.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

While I find it fascinating, from what I know of my existing family tree/history, I think I'll leave well enough alone!

IMO there's a reason our genes have remained hidden for all these millions or years.

+1!