DNA Testing and New Sibling?

[Katsmeow]

At this point, she is undecided on trying to identify her biological paternal family. I guess time will tell.

There are a couple of options. She could try to identify the family but not make contact. Or, she could make contract. I knew my birth father was deceased when I found him using DNA (my birth mother is still living and I found her almost 25 years ago). I waited a full year before I ended up contacted his children (stepchildren that he had raised from young childhood and had adopted).

I did the 23andMe test, to see if I could find biological relatives on my bio father side.
I did talk to my bio mom, (at least she said she was, when I spent 5 days searching the internet). She refused to tell me the bio father's name. Later I realized she might not actually know and it would be embarrassing to give me a list of names.

In the searching field we says "DNA doesn't lie." Most bio moms don't lie, but some do. Some aren't really sure of the biological father's name (short term relationship, pregnancy happening near end of one relationship and beginning of another, rape, etc.). Some think they know and are simply mistaken. So I take info from the birth mother with a grain of salt. Yes, it can be helpful but I have seen people get so wedded to that information that they ignore DNA evidence that leads to a different conclusion. In most instances it is entirely possible to complete a search without that information.

23andMe tells me I have 1,500 DNA relatives

You can upgrade on 23andMe and get a few more relatives. 23andMe artificially limits the number of matches they show you. I have over 150k matches on Ancestry. That is really high because I have Colonial ancestry on both sides. If I had a recent immigrant parent or grandparent it would be different.

I like 23andme because of its excellent chromosome browser. But, for searching I always tell people to start with Ancestry as it has so many more people testing. Also, most matches have trees. On 23andme, few have trees and I usually have to try to manually build a tree for matches based upon their name and information given. Very tedious. For most searchers, if the search can't be completed from Ancestry alone then I recommend testing at 23andme.

Of course only about 3 are more than 4% related.

4% works out to about 298 cM. (All the other DNA sites uses cMs not percentages so tend to convert the percentages to what they are used to working with). That is around a 2nd Cousin level. You would probably have more people at that level on Ancestry.

That said, you don't really need matches that high for searching. It certainly helps.

I found my own birth father from a third cousin match. So higher matches are great to have. When I solve a search in 30 minutes it is due to really high matches. But, many many searches are quite possible with more distant matches.

If I read it correctly almost all are on the bio father side.
The closest relation is 15%, but she didn't answer my connect request.

Is this on your bio father's side. That is indeed a close relationship.

There is a 94% chance this relationship falls within one of these relationships:

Great Grandchild (or Great Grandparent) - whether that is possible depends on age. I assume great grandparent is impossible. Great Grandchild would depend on if you have children who could be a grand parent and on age

Great niece/Nephew or great aunt/uncle - Probably not likely. Great niece/Nephew would require you to have a full sibling. Great aunt/uncle probably doesn't work due to age.

First cousin - Your parent would be a full sibling to their parent. If this is a paternal side match, then their parent would be a full sibling to your bio father. I would be cautious contacting this person and telling them this. Many people are very uncomfortable about searches and will shut down communication. I would recommend trying to identify this match and trying to build a tree for them. If they used their name (which most do on 23andme) use people search sites or obits to find them. If they have provided birth year or location or surnames or grandparent locations this can all be used to track the person down.

The rest of the possibility is the relationship is more close such as a Grandchild, half sibling, full aunt/uncle or full niece/nephew. Those would be quite uncommon.

So far it's been a puzzle, and not as simple as seeing someone related 50%.

Yes, it is a puzzle. Solving these kinds of puzzles is my main "hobby" during retirement. People sometimes wonder why I do this on a volunteer basis (some people charge to do this kind of thing). The answer is that I enjoy solving the puzzle. It is fun. Also, I just enjoy helping people to find the answers. Most searches are not that difficult to do, but most people have no idea how to do a search.

 

[Sunset]

I have found this site pretty interesting to build family tree's and find old relatives.
It worked well for my bio mother.

For each person it lists what the records are, and you can actually view some of the records. All this is probably old news to pros, but I find it very interesting.

https://www.familysearch.org

 

[Taxman59]

Most kids know who 'daddy' is. The problem is sometimes not knowing who the birth father is. Alas, fathers are not always daddies. .

My DS always said it just takes a drop of sperm to make a father, but a lifetime to make a Daddy.

 

[Koolau]

I've never had any desire to know if I have undisclosed relatives. I found out shortly before my dad's death that my mom had been divorced - no children. I won't say it was a big deal but if I didn't know, I don't think it would hurt me. This whole subject is very much YMMV.

 

[Sunset]

One of the issues of not knowing biological history is it affects my thinking on taking SS.

The extreme case is I find out all male relatives for the past 200 yrs lived to 90+ vs they all died around age 65

Then there are certain diseases that run in the family, and this knowledge is passed down from generation to generation. I have nothing of this history.

 

[Sue J]

Not directly about finding new siblings, but a tangent post.

Last Sunday CNN had a 2 hour documentary film called "The Lost Sons", a true story about a baby boy who was kidnapped from the hospital in Chicago in 1964. Fifteen months later a boy is found abandoned outside of a store in New Jersey. The parents of the kidnapped baby meet him and decide he could be their missing child and they take him home and raise him.

This is all related from the found boy who is now in his 50's. Using DNA he learns what he needs to know. I found it very interesting!

I don't know if you can still watch it, but often CNN repeats things.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

Not directly about finding new siblings, but a tangent post.

Last Sunday CNN had a 2 hour documentary film called "The Lost Sons", a true story about a baby boy who was kidnapped from the hospital in Chicago in 1964. Fifteen months later a boy is found abandoned outside of a store in New Jersey. The parents of the kidnapped baby meet him and decide he could be their missing child and they take him home and raise him.

This is all related from the found boy who is now in his 50's. Using DNA he learns what he needs to know. I found it very interesting!

I don't know if you can still watch it, but often CNN repeats things.

I remember the publicity around that Fronczak case from when I was a kid. TV news kept referring to the mysterious "woman in white" who was suspected of stealing the boy from the maternity ward. Of course, there were a lot of women in white at the hospital who weren't so mysterious -- they were nurses. But the reference stuck in my mind.

 

[Ginny]

My father (d. 2001) was in the Army in 1947 in the Philippines and had a daughter. He gave me a picture of her and her mother, taken at the time. I tried to locate them, but there are no centralized records there. I was contacted by a friend of a woman that lives in San Francisco who said my dad was her grandad. Had I not been told, I would have blown her off. We have now spent hours on the phone and exchanged pictures and info. We want to meet and will soon. She is 20 years my junior and I love having a new niece.

23 and me showed we have 10% common dna.

 

[Katsmeow]

One of the issues of not knowing biological history is it affects my thinking on taking SS.

The extreme case is I find out all male relatives for the past 200 yrs lived to 90+ vs they all died around age 65

Then there are certain diseases that run in the family, and this knowledge is passed down from generation to generation. I have nothing of this history.

Yes, part of my motivation for tracking down the info on my biological father was to get the medical history information. It was helpful.

 

[livingalmostlarge]

So in August 2021 I did the 23 and me because it was onsale in July on Amazon prime day. I've been curious how serious our family lore is. Turns on for our ethnicity spot on. My mom was shocked and happy. But then a family member turned up. A second cousin or 1st cousin once removed. Basically the kid of a half-sibling of my mom's. Yeah she wasn't surprised but was. Surprised it was another half sibling. Not surprised since she already has 2 she knows of. One we all talk too, the other only she knows about that approached her years ago to tell her (unsure if true but probably she thinks). This one I reached out on 23 and me to ask so we'll see.

My mom said shut my mouth and never mention it to anyone else. My grandfather passed 15 years ago and my grandmother is still alive. Say nothing. My mom was a bit curious but won't say anything. I bet I have my 1/2 aunts and uncles considering my grandfather worked away for awhile. But they haven't popped yet.

 

[Koolau]

So in August 2021 I did the 23 and me because it was onsale in July on Amazon prime day. I've been curious how serious our family lore is. Turns on for our ethnicity spot on. My mom was shocked and happy. But then a family member turned up. A second cousin or 1st cousin once removed. Basically the kid of a half-sibling of my mom's. Yeah she wasn't surprised but was. Surprised it was another half sibling. Not surprised since she already has 2 she knows of. One we all talk too, the other only she knows about that approached her years ago to tell her (unsure if true but probably she thinks). This one I reached out on 23 and me to ask so we'll see.

My mom said shut my mouth and never mention it to anyone else. My grandfather passed 15 years ago and my grandmother is still alive. Say nothing. My mom was a bit curious but won't say anything. I bet I have my 1/2 aunts and uncles considering my grandfather worked away for awhile. But they haven't popped yet.

This is one of the better arguments for NOT doing the testing. Since you never know what you might find, it might be better not to know. YMMV as always.

 

[Chris7]

My DW discovered (Ancestry, 23andMe) about 7-mos ago that the dad she group up with wasn't her bio-Dad. It seems that Bio-Dad was led to believe that she wasn't his and he went on with his life.



He had 3 other children (that we know of) with 3 other woman and he had stayed in contact with them. He only married 1 of the women. While searching for him, my wife find one of the brothers and had made a connection with him. He is 33. DW is 51. :O)


Sadly, bio-Dad died 2-years ago. The one brother had a bunch of photos he was able to share. And hopefully, we'll be able to spend some time with his mom to hear some stories.


So mostly positive, but still a bit of a shock at this point in DWs life. The dad she grew up with was abusive so a bunch of what-if scenarios run through her mind. Although bio-dad was unlikely to have been very reliable either.


I learned I am more Scottish (Ancestry) then my dad, but we are clearly connected. That means my mother is more Scottish than he thought. Also discovered I have some Jewish heritage which wasn't known. My mom has Alzheimer's so we aren't able to get a sample from her.


cd :O)

 

[Koolau]

My DW discovered (Ancestry, 23andMe) about 7-mos ago that the dad she group up with wasn't her bio-Dad. It seems that Bio-Dad was led to believe that she wasn't his and he went on with his life.



He had 3 other children (that we know of) with 3 other woman and he had stayed in contact with them. He only married 1 of the women. While searching for him, my wife find one of the brothers and had made a connection with him. He is 33. DW is 51. :O)


Sadly, bio-Dad died 2-years ago. The one brother had a bunch of photos he was able to share. And hopefully, we'll be able to spend some time with his mom to hear some stories.


So mostly positive, but still a bit of a shock at this point in DWs life. The dad she grew up with was abusive so a bunch of what-if scenarios run through her mind. Although bio-dad was unlikely to have been very reliable either.


I learned I am more Scottish (Ancestry) then my dad, but we are clearly connected. That means my mother is more Scottish than he thought. Also discovered I have some Jewish heritage which wasn't known. My mom has Alzheimer's so we aren't able to get a sample from her.


cd :O)

Strictly a personal preference, but I guess I just would rather not know about other potential siblings, etc. Obviously, many folks here would be the opposite of me since YMMV.

 

[Sunset]

This is one of the better arguments for NOT doing the testing. Since you never know what you might find, it might be better not to know. YMMV as always.

For adopted folks, IMHO, there is no downside. They already know they were given away for lots of possible reasons.

For people thinking they know their parents there will be the occasional surprise in about 1%->3% of cases having a surprise Father. Obviously Women know if a child is their child, nearly all the time.

I think it's better to know the truth, than to live a lie.

I had a boss, who raised "twins" , I met them when they were 16, about 2 years later it turned out one of the "twins" was not her child. It had been switched with another child and one of her actual "twins" was adopted by another family when the kids were a few months old.

So even a mother could in rare circumstances raise a child, thinking it's her child, but it's not.

 

[Calico]

Strictly a personal preference, but I guess I just would rather not know about other potential siblings, etc. Obviously, many folks here would be the opposite of me since YMMV.

^^^This.

I have zero interest in discovering whether my father had children before, between, and during his three marriages (other than my sisters and me). The chances are high that he did.

Let sleeping dogs lie is my take on this.

 

[CardsFan]

^^^This.

I have zero interest in discovering whether my father had children before, between, and during his three marriages (other than my sisters and me). The chances are high that he did.

Let sleeping dogs lie is my take on this.

Agreed.

I have a cousin that is into the genealogy thing that keeps pushing for DW and I to get swabbed. Not interested

For me personally, I see no real benefit. I was born 9 months and 12 days after my parents married, so pretty sure of my parentage. Dad was in the pacific in WWII prior to meeting mom. If there is anyone out there, I just have no need/desire to know about it. If he fooled around while married (I strongly doubt it) I also have no need/desire to know. And, frankly, being FI, I would be concerned of a "new" sibling getting too close.

Anyway, that's just me.

Now, DW has some interesting characters in her Italian-American heritage. She's not interested in finding more.

 

[Calico]

Agreed.

I have a cousin that is into the genealogy thing that keeps pushing for DW and I to get swabbed. Not interested

For me personally, I see no real benefit. I was born 9 months and 12 days after my parents married, so pretty sure of my parentage. Dad was in the pacific in WWII prior to meeting mom. If there is anyone out there, I just have no need/desire to know about it. If he fooled around while married (I strongly doubt it) I also have no need/desire to know. And, frankly, being FI, I would be concerned of a "new" sibling getting too close.

Anyway, that's just me.

Now, DW has some interesting characters in her Italian-American heritage. She's not interested in finding more.

My dad was in the pacific in WWII too. And he definitely fooled around on at least two of his wives.

I have enough "trouble" with my two known sisters - not interested in opening a pandora's box for more!

 

[Koolau]

In addition to not wanting to "know" some things, I've always been concerned about how DNA data could be used. If you think about it, these companies ARE for profit. If there's a dollar to be made, it's possible your data will be used in ways you never intended (or in some cases agreed to, I would think.) What could be more personal than the very blueprint of your make up? To think that could be shared (legally OR illegally) would constrain me from providing anyone the data in the first place. As I often say, when in doubt, see my tag line. Naturally, YMMV.

 

[Time2]

Some may find this video by Veritasium interesting. It says basically, if you left DNA at the scene of a crime, there is already enough data available from people related to you that they can track you down.

 

[Dalmore]

My family discovered we had a half brother, but not from doing a DNA test. The last living person who knew about the baby spilled the beans after my mother had passed. We found my half brother and have a very casual relationship. He did Ancestry and it confirmed that he is our brother. My Mom had gotten pregnant her senior year in high school and went away to "college". Only my grandparents and one of her cousins knew about it. My sister did some sleuthing and was able to figure out the story and after we reached out, one of his sons contacted us on Facebook. An interesting side note, all of my mom's cousins also got pregnant out of wedlock, but ended up marrying their baby-daddys.

 

[Katsmeow]

I think it's better to know the truth, than to live a lie.

This is what I believe. The truth is the truth. Thankfully when I found my birth mother she was happy that I did. She felt confident she made the right decision placing me for adoption in the 1950s. I am confident she did as well. But when I found her when I was in my 40s she was glad that I found her and I've enjoyed getting to know her, my half siblings and other family. (And that was over 20 years ago).

My birth father had adopted his stepchildren and so they are not biologically related to me. He had died when I identified him using DNA. Still I loved getting to know those children that he raised who had so much information about him that I did get a feel what he had been like.

My favorite fun fact from searching for him. He and I both graduated from the same law school. That was truly a surprise to me.

^^^This.

I have zero interest in discovering whether my father had children before, between, and during his three marriages (other than my sisters and me). The chances are high that he did.

Let sleeping dogs lie is my take on this.

Well, a couple of points. Bear in mind, I am one of those sleeping dogs. So I have a different perspective. As an adoptee any information I could find out my ancestry was interesting to it. Learning my biological father had attended the same law school was important to me. Learning how he died and what my grandparents died from was important. I get asked this all the time on medical forms and it is nice to have an answer.

One time my birth father's daughter asked one of her cousins if she would answer a few questions about her grandparents. Those grandparents are also my grandparents. Note this cousin is my biological 1st cousin and she is my not biologically related to my birth father daughter). She refused. It just seemed so weird to me. My birth father's children both were delighted to find out about my existence and happily answered questions. But my birth father's niece wouldn't answer a question or two on the ground that I was adopted so had no right to know. I could sort of (kinda) understand it if his children had asked her NOT to talk to me but she was asked to talk to me and still refused. Oh, well.

 

[target2019]

Thanks to genealogical research, including DNA testing, I'll be visiting a few sites relevant to personal history. There are many positive aspects to testing and tree research.

There are of course those who are greatful and some who are bitter about the results. I've found NPE events in the extended family, but none in close family. Whatever people choose to reveal is fine with me.

 

[ElizabethT]

Well, thanks to this thread, I have a LOT to say about this topic.

My husband is adopted, and for years had no real interest in researching his biologic parents when I'd inquire from time to time. Then a few holidays ago, one of our daughters gifted him with 23andMe to determine if he really was as Irish as he'd always been told. He did the test, and discovered that indeed he was 99% Irish. Other than buying a 'Proud To Be Irish' license plate holder ( ), he left it there, and declined to share any of his DNA results on the open 23andMe site.

After reading this thread a few days ago, I asked him if he'd consider allowing his DNA to be shared to determine if there were any matches, and to my surprise said he'd been giving thought to doing a search since his adoptive parents were now deceased. We altered the online response to 'Yes, ok to share' and within moments discovered several biological first cousins.

Now, after multiple messages, then emails, phone calls, and eventually a Zoom meeting, he has determined his biological mother and her family. She, his biological mother, never had any additional children and is now deceased, so there is one to be upset by this information, and the cousins thus far have all been extremely welcoming. My husband is deeply gratified to know of his roots, but is now struggling with regret that he discovered the information to late to have met his biological mother.

As a result of this process, I have ripped through a heart wrenching nonfiction book, The Girls Who Went Away, about the way society dealt with these birth mothers during the post-war years of 1950-1973 (he was adopted in the mid-50's), before more widely available birth control, revised societal views on premarital sex, and 1973 Roe vs Wade, altered the landscape. Many if not most of these mothers appear to have been given no real choice about keeping their babies - society was not at all accepting of unplanned pregnancies during this time period. As a result, many interviewed for the book view their babies as having been taken, not given up, and reading the book has completely altered my understanding of the adoptive process during those years.

My point is that while the decision to search or not is up to the adoptee clearly, many of the relinquishing birth mothers appear to have suffered greatly, and carried that suffering throughout their lives. I now have tremendous compassion for all parties, and many, many troubling questions that will likely not be answered in my lifetime.

 

[ivinsfan]

ElizT many of these ladies from the 50's literally took their secrets to their graves. Can you imagine that, probably one of the most traumatic things in their lives and they buttoned it away forever.



My best friend was found by a bio brother after her Mom died and they have a pleasant relationship. My friend's main reaction is that her Mom never had a chance to talk about it. Even her Mom's sister didn't know. One very close friend helped her relocate out of state for the pregnancy but most likely no one else knew.



Even with the changing for the better of societies view of unwed Mom's from the 50's to the 2000's Mom still couldn't openly share that part of her life.

 

[Chris7]

Some may find this video by Veritasium interesting. It says basically, if you left DNA at the scene of a crime, there is already enough data available from people related to you that they can track you down.

I just watched this last night. With great power comes great responsibility. But maybe, as the word gets out that you are very unlikely going to be able to hide forever, some will question committing heinous crimes. As the video indicated, many cold cases were solved because of the data.


For some, the surprises can be very disconcerting. For my wife, things started making sense as she never really felt like she belonged. The fact that one of her half-brothers has been very welcoming has helped. Of course, for every "happy" story there are not so happy ones.


Discovering that we carry a certain gene that makes breast cancer more likely is good knowledge for my daughters and for my son's if they have daughters.


cd :O)