Girlfriend of 8 yrs wants to get married...and I don't

[thefed]

WOW>>>> As ERD50 said.... plus more....

SOOO, a woman you say you LOVE and are COMMITTED.... you feel is only with you for the FREE ride I think you should kick her to the curb and go find someone who will pay their way... get rid of that old bag who wants to steal all of your hard earned money.... it would be easier to get a job and pay her own way than to stay with you....


And this answers all my questions of your will and your plan to help support her and your kids in case you died for whatever reason... of course you have nothing in place... why give her a free ride when you are dead...

Did i ever say shes only along for the the free ride? no. I said she's got one...there's no questions about it...SHE'D tell you that....its obvious.

re-read the post, youre taking this out of context. i have a will,in which she and my sons are the only ones who get anything. i have a life insurance policy as well, on which she is listed as the primary,and my sons secondary. not that its any of your business, but i dont want you getting your panties in a bunch for nothing...

 

[thefed]

Show her that comment thefed, I think that will solve any 'issues' you have over her wanting to marry you.

What a jerk.

I don't watch Montel, so I don't know what the hell I'm doing reading this thread. I'm out'a here.

Gonna go hug my wife and count my blessings.

-ERD50

funny thing is, i dont need to show her that comment...she AGREES with me. have i not made that clear?

to clarify my original mention of the prenup,she is taking it 'halfheartedly' because she's said, and I QUOTE "Why WOULD i get any of your stuff you've accumulated up to this point? It's yours." In saying that, she thinks a prenup is redundant. Tha law doesnt think that way though. i just want to be sure we have a clear understanding in case potentially ill feelings sway her in the future.

 

[enfp]

..Her free ride right now is just that...a FREE ride. Financially,she must contribute NOTHING to our situation. She works for play money. So how does that entitle her to the things *I* have earned?...

You grossly underestimate what it means to be a stay at home mom to 2 kids under 3. She works much harder than you ever have, regardless of your F!!!!ing paycheck. What makes you think you are entitled to what she does for you and your children everyday? It's not your money just because you work for it. If you want her to be a SAHM then you have to respect it, otherwise you are a controlling, insensitive man. If she agrees with you, then stop beating her down.

 

[laurence]

Fascinating, you really can't see what's wrong with this picture.

Don't marry her, you are in the running for worst husband in the world if you do. You'll be doing her a favor.

 

[Texas Proud]

Did i ever say shes only along for the the free ride? no. I said she's got one...there's no questions about it...SHE'D tell you that....its obvious.

re-read the post, youre taking this out of context. i have a will,in which she and my sons are the only ones who get anything. i have a life insurance policy as well, on which she is listed as the primary,and my sons secondary. not that its any of your business, but i dont want you getting your panties in a bunch for nothing...

NOO... there is a question about it.... it is not FREE... she has to put up with you...

Re-read your posts.... you keep saying how much you love her and your kids and are committed to them.... but then throw out these lines of 'free ride' and 'my stuff' and all.... tells me a lot about you... you don't want a partner... it is very clear... you want someone you can control... and you want to control her with your money... because if it was a partnership it is both of your money... because you both made a decision that she is a SAHM.... and she is upholding HER end of the bargain... seems you are not...

You can say all you want how you are this and how you are that and how we don't know you etc etc..... but your words paint a different picture than what you think... and many people here are seeing that picture... I am not the only one... and I have seen it before... so do some looking in the mirror and see what you are bringing to this relationship besides your money...

BTW, if you are willing to leave her everything if you die.... then what is the problem with her having some of it when you are alive?

 

[Sue J]

I understand that this is just a way to vent your feelings about your situation and you aren't looking for advice. It sounds like you're not looking to make a change (marry or break-up), you're hoping you can just keep doing it the way you've been doing it, living together, raising a family but not being married.

In all fairness to your GF, she would benefit greatly by taking a few minutes to sit down and read through this entire thread.

 

[Buckeye]

How can you call your desire for a pre-nup and her concurrence as non-coercive when you are negotiating from a position of overwhelming power? You hold the keys to the kingdom both financially and with respect to getting married. You think she's not going to agree to your terms under those conditions?

I hope she has the good sense to stand up to you but she is in a very vulnerable position. When I was younger, I was all for living together. The older I got, the more I realized it was typically a very poor choice for a woman all the way around. She made a huge mistake starting a family with you without being married but that's water under the bridge. Her options now become much more painful and difficult when there are children involved.

She has got to start working in a "real" job and earning "real" money. Without earning power, her options and power are extremely limited. Earning power is relationship power which you have clearly demonstrated.

 

[Texarkandy]

Though I've never had to sit down & seriously consider it from a personal standpoint, I've always had the sense there's just something wrong about a pre-nup.

Although neither of us came into the marriage with very much, it was my salary put DW through college to her Bachelor's degree - DW stayed home for over 10 yrs and worked very hard raising DD from an infant to a smart healthy well-adjusted teen, keeping a very nice home for us, making life easier for us so I could work a sometimes stressful job & we could enjoy family outings on the weekend without having to worry about housework/yard/etc. Meanwhile, she's missed out on on SS credits, pension plan, 401K opportunity, etc - as well as the social contact & other psychological benefits of having a career.

Now that DD is older, DW went & got her teaching cert (again with $ from my job) & is now teaching helping us get to that semi-ER state. She'll probably work for a few years after I reach semi-ER next year.

I don't feel like she's had a free-ride at all. Sure, maybe my job's been buying the gas, but we've shared the driving, maintenance, repairs, etc - as well as the navigation.

Despite some of my earlier comments, as long as you are still thinking of "hers" & "mine" (after 8 years) instead of "our" then perhaps marriage is not in order for you.

Marriage is a full and equal partnership. Ya gotta jump in with both feet with all you've got (including your $) with full faith IMHO, regardless of who brought what to the table. If you can't do that, then ...... ?

 

[thefed]

This will be my last post on this topic as it had strayed very far off course.

I'm not going to address any more posts directly because again, they are very far off base.

Sometimes things sound/seem differently when you dont know the whole picture. There is a lot more i can not nearly explain on a forum - nor do I want to. Once closeminded people see the word 'felon', 'divorceee', 'illegal activities' etc, their minds are already swayed...that predisposition will filter through all of their interactions with me....until they KNOW me. Thats understandable...I used to be that way too. Unfortunately (FORTUNATELY?) I did not lead a sheltered, privileged life as I grew up. I faced adversity every step of the way and have risen above the mess. Still though, as life goes on, my past experiences and relationships affect my life. Such is life. I can not avoid it,so i work through it. I'm 25 years old, still unsure of my true purpose here...as many are. I work 60 hrs/week to provide for my family. I am saving for a retirement. I am raising my children in an environment 10x better than my fiance (ooohhh.he said fiance!!) or myself ever had. I am fostering relationships with new people in positions I WANT to be in one day. I volunteer 4hrs month at a local outreach center. I volunteer 10+ hrs/month as a course planner/teacher with Junior Achievement, a program dedicated to teaching high school youth about entrepreneurship. I'm not some scumbag drug dealing wife beating control freak who neglects his family. Instead I'm a normal person who's taken a slightly different path in life. I'm trying to change the faults that make me an imperfect person. I will never be perfect, but will never stop trying.

Several people have contacted me outside the public forum with their sincere input to avoid the ridicule of those who have taken an obviously negative, aggressive stance towards my situation....and I thank them for that.

To those who have taken the other road, i thank you too. It is people like yourself that keep me going strong...I strive in the face of adversity. I UNDERSTAND where you are coming from, I really do. My ex teachers, co-workers, even family have treated me that way at times. Sometimes I have seen that there are underlying reasons to their approach. Sometimes not. But all in all, most have come around once they get to know me a little better. although that is unlikely in this social setting, I hope you can keep an open mind. i dont feel negatively toward any of you.


thanks

jason

 

[W2R]

This will be my last post on this topic as it had strayed very far off course.

I'm not going to address any more posts directly because again, they are very far off base.

Sometimes things sound/seem differently when you dont know the whole picture. There is a lot more i can not nearly explain on a forum - nor do I want to. Once closeminded people see the word 'felon', 'divorceee', 'illegal activities' etc, their minds are already swayed...that predisposition will filter through all of their interactions with me....until they KNOW me. Thats understandable...I used to be that way too. Unfortunately (FORTUNATELY?) I did not lead a sheltered, privileged life as I grew up. I faced adversity every step of the way and have risen above the mess. Still though, as life goes on, my past experiences and relationships affect my life. Such is life. I can not avoid it,so i work through it. I'm 25 years old, still unsure of my true purpose here...as many are. I work 60 hrs/week to provide for my family. I am saving for a retirement. I am raising my children in an environment 10x better than my fiance (ooohhh.he said fiance!!) or myself ever had. I am fostering relationships with new people in positions I WANT to be in one day. I volunteer 4hrs month at a local outreach center. I volunteer 10+ hrs/month as a course planner/teacher with Junior Achievement, a program dedicated to teaching high school youth about entrepreneurship. I'm not some scumbag drug dealing wife beating control freak who neglects his family. Instead I'm a normal person who's taken a slightly different path in life. I'm trying to change the faults that make me an imperfect person. I will never be perfect, but will never stop trying.

Several people have contacted me outside the public forum with their sincere input to avoid the ridicule of those who have taken an obviously negative, aggressive stance towards my situation....and I thank them for that.

To those who have taken the other road, i thank you too. It is people like yourself that keep me going strong...I strive in the face of adversity. I UNDERSTAND where you are coming from, I really do. My ex teachers, co-workers, even family have treated me that way at times. Sometimes I have seen that there are underlying reasons to their approach. Sometimes not. But all in all, most have come around once they get to know me a little better. although that is unlikely in this social setting, I hope you can keep an open mind. i dont feel negatively toward any of you.


thanks

jason

I hope that posting your thoughts in the thread has helped you in your decision.

I still think that marriage is too big of a step to take with such reservations as you have expressed. But ultimately, it is your decision and you know the situation better than any of us, naturally, and are in a better position to assess the pros and cons. I wish you the very, very best no matter what path you choose.

 

[brewer12345]

Somehow, I knew this would turn out to be a dogpile.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Never mind everything else, Fed, but I'm thinking of the book that's out there, "He's Just Not That Into You." From the outside it seems that if you were really into her,
you would have already happily met her at the altar and wouldn't be finding all these reasons not to. It's okay if you're not that into her, for whatever reason. She's a big girl, she'll do what she needs to do. Bless you both.

 

[Sue J]

Fed, I knew that you were younger than most here, but I had no idea that you were 25!

You've accomplished a lot, and had some rough spots. You have a lot going for you. Good luck to you and the family.

 

[shoe]

Hey fed, you should have said you were only 25!!! Hell I thought you were 40 and a foot dragger!

 

[Achiever51]

Fed, having two kids and a personal relationship of 8 years in length when you yourself are only 25 is stunning to me.

I'm still pulling for you -- take one day at a time and you'll figure it out.

Geez, people, he's still a youngun!

 

[dumpster56]

25? 8 year relationship with a women obviously about your age. wow. best of luck.

 

[haha]

Fed, you are the best at dealing with criticism. That alone puts you a cut above the pack.

Ha

 

[enfp]

..Her free ride right now is just that...a FREE ride. Financially,she must contribute NOTHING to our situation. She works for play money. So how does that entitle her to the things *I* have earned?...

""You grossly underestimate what it means to be a stay at home mom to 2 kids under 3. She works much harder than you ever have, regardless of your F!!!!ing paycheck. What makes you think you are entitled to what she does for you and your children everyday? It's not your money just because you work for it. If you want her to be a SAHM then you have to respect it, otherwise you are a controlling, insensitive man. If she agrees with you, then stop beating her down.

"""


Fed, You opened up this can of worms. I would never have commented at all if you hadn't made the crass comments about "free ride". That had nothing to do with words like felon, divorcee, etc... So you may have to accept that people may have valid points about your behavior, even if you don't like the way they sound.

Just because you've overcome alot doesn't mean that there's not more to learn, like respect. I've overcome alot, too. But everyday I have to continue to improve my relations with my DH and DC, and respect is such a relationship fundamental, life fundamental really. And we all know people who are great in the community and not so great with the people closest to them.

And you're only 25. Most of haven't got a clue about the best way to treat someone (and yes, upbringing greatly can affect this). If I had married those I WANTED to at that age, I would have missed out on the great husband who came along just a few years later. Focus on taking the best care of your children. They are really the unprotected ones in this, regardless of what you do with their mother.

 

[haha]

... regardless of what you do with their mother.

I think there are several constraints on what Fed might "do with their mother."

Besides, all this lamenting about the poor children is little strange. In America, no child is uncared for. A father may contribute as part of the household, he may contribute under force of law as an absentee father who may or may not be allowed to see his kids, or the kids may be cared for by you and me via our taxes.

Since Fed's kids are never going to fall into this last category, what's the big deal?

Ha

 

[Abreutime]

..Her free ride right now is just that...a FREE ride. Financially,she must contribute NOTHING to our situation. She works for play money. So how does that entitle her to the things *I* have earned?...

You grossly underestimate what it means to be a stay at home mom to 2 kids under 3. She works much harder than you ever have, regardless of your F!!!!ing paycheck. What makes you think you are entitled to what she does for you and your children everyday? It's not your money just because you work for it. If you want her to be a SAHM then you have to respect it, otherwise you are a controlling, insensitive man. If she agrees with you, then stop beating her down.

Stop blowing out of proportion something he said. He's just saying she doesnt contribute financially to the household. For this reason, she is not entitled to the equity of the house, simply because she lives there.

Frankly, your language is unnecessarily inflammatory and confrontational, in my opinion. He never said his fiance does nothing, is lazy, isnt worthy of respect, controls her, or he beats her down. Also, could you could explain what you mean when you said "It's not your money just because you work for it." The way I see it, lacking a marriage, his money is still his money. My girlfriend was not entitled to my paychecks just because she brought me chicken soup in bed. My wife is, as our assets are our assets, both in reality and before the law.

My wife has a "free ride" now, too. She's in law school, and I pay for everything. The connotation is purely financial, and does not saying anything about the happiness and non-financial contributions she brings. And as theFed pointed out in a later post, his fiance recognizes that she does not earn a paycheck, and receives financial benefits from theFed ("free" housing and food). Do you disagree?

 

[Abreutime]

... because if it was a partnership it is both of your money... because you both made a decision that she is a SAHM.... and she is upholding HER end of the bargain... seems you are not...

No, there is not a partnership (ie. marriage). They are linked by the kids, but they are not linked by law. There is an agreement, whereby she stays at home to raise the kids and he works and provides shelter and food. They are not married; his money is his, and hers is hers. They just share all the expenses in their own way. She is staying at home and he is paying the bills. How is he not upholding his end of the bargain? Because he posts on a message board that his girlfriend doesnt pay for anything I'm not following the logic.

BTW, if you are willing to leave her everything if you die.... then what is the problem with her having some of it when you are alive?

He does share his wealth. He provides housing, food, and pays the bill. He posted here about whether to share everything via marriage. He obviously has doubts about her commitment to him, and I don't blame him for being hesitant. I would have been more hesitant about having kids, facing these issues, but that is neither here nor there.

 

[dumpster56]

My wife has a "free ride" now, too. She's in law school, and I pay for everything. The connotation is purely financial, and does not saying anything about the happiness and non-financial contributions she brings. And as theFed pointed out in a later post, his fiance recognizes that she does not earn a paycheck, and receives financial benefits from theFed ("free" housing and food). Do you disagree?

Oh do not let her read what you just posted. It still sounds bad. If I wrote my wife has a free ride no matter how I meant it dog house for sure.

 

[Abreutime]

Oh do not let her read what you just posted. It still sounds bad. If I wrote my wife has a free ride no matter how I meant it dog house for sure.

Unlike your situation, I let my wife read whatever she wants.

People are simply jumping all over the phrase instead of the content, which was the point I was making.

 

[Moemg]

Fed, All I can say is good luck . I never realized how young you were .You'll get married when you are ready .

 

[Purron]

Wow. Fed is only 25? Geez, I've been married 34 years. IMHO the secret to a long happy marriage is love, respect, trust and supporting each other during the hard times. I sincerely hope Fed and his GF work things out.