A Financial Assistance Plan between Siblings for Parent(s)

[ATX78701]

A recent thread on financial assistance for in-laws got me thinking about financial assistance for my one living parent.

DM is in her 80's with 600k in investments, house paid off, lives on no more than 36k a year (including income and property taxes), has tricare for medical, receives SS, no pension, and was/is financial astute not to fall for scams and is cautious with money (although QVC does receive its fair share of $).

My DB (mid 50s) FIRE'd this year. He spends more freely with his money (takes cruises, goes to more sporting events, drives a Porsche) than I do (no cruises, enjoy staying at home, sporting events are great on TV, and drive a 10 year old car). I hope to be part of the FIRE class of 2020 or 2021 (in my early 50s). He has a SO and no kids. I'm single and no kids.

Has anyone else sat down with their siblings and made tentative arrangements for the future regarding caring for an aging parent? I realize that the current state of financial affairs for DM, DB and myself could change and any plan we make would have to be subject to revision. I'm wondering if better to address it ahead of time versus trying to solve while staring at a stack of bills.

Three years ago DB and SO paid for a new dishwasher for DM. I was never asked to contribute nor do I feel that anyone's behavior has indicated that I've shirked any duties. I certainly don't feel guilty about not contributing as up to this point I've spent more time over the decades with DM and DD (deceased) than DB did.

So, did anyone have a plan with siblings in place for caring for aging parent before the plan was needed?

 

[pacergal]

We did not have a plan ahead of time, but after mom died and dad needed extra help, we all got together and worked out a plan (luckily, we all lived within 30 minutes of Dad).
We kept a calendar marked with our names on the days we would be there to assist. Since there were 4 of us, it worked out to 1-2 days per week and it worked out pretty even.Some days it was a matter of going over after work and fixing dinner and general cleaning. Weekends were spent grocery shopping, laundry, etc. None of us were retired yet, but I was able to take quite a bit of FMLA when his health progressed downhill.
He was in and out of rehab facility the last two years of his life before he went on hospice, and luckily he and mom had good retirement plan and savings to pay for his care.

 

[youbet]

DM is in her 80's with 600k in investments, house paid off, lives on no more than 36k a year (including income and property taxes), has tricare for medical, receives SS, no pension, and was/is financial astute not to fall for scams and is cautious with money.............. I'm wondering if better to address it ahead of time versus trying to solve while staring at a stack of bills.

Given the above regarding your DM's financial status, why do you think there might be a need to help her financially? She appears to be well set up.

 

[ATX78701]

Given the above regarding your DM's financial status, why do you think there might be a need to help her financially? She appears to be well set up.

Great question. I'm worried that something catastrophic might happen and wipe her out. As I type this response I realize that even if that happens, the facts and variables will be so unknown that we can't really plan.

Another element that I hadn't really considered would be time versus money. Unlike Pacergal, I'll be living in another country after FIRE where DB setup his retirement in a town about 1.5 hours from DM. I guess on introspection I don't want to feel guilty about not being there if we have already established a preliminary plan.

 

[CaliKid]

I would say too many variables at this time. I would try not to worry about it.

 

[foxfirev5]

Makes me kind of glad I have no siblings. FWIW I wouldn't use a dishwasher replacement as a significant point in this discussion. Take the hand you're dealt and make it work.

 

[youbet]

Another element that I hadn't really considered would be time versus money.

Every situation is different and fraught with the potential to have one of the involved parties bitter over another not doing their "fair share." And it is really hard to plan ahead, other than in the most general sense, because circumstances vary and often change unpredictably.

We recently had a five year period where my MIL required planning, financial and care help. Six months of declining health while living in her condo followed by 4.5 years living in a NH.

DW had 3 siblings at the time, all sincerely concerned about their mom. Two lived at a distance and DW and a brother lived locally. The two who lived at a distance were also the least able to help financially.

In the end, the two out-of-towners were involved at arm's length. They called their mom from time to time, sent some gifts and visited maybe once per year.

In town brother and his DW handled most of the involved details of selling MIL's condo, paying the NH and eventually getting MIL onto Medicaid at the same pretty nice place (not easy to do in Illinois). My DW contributed lots and lots and lots of visiting hours, usually going to the NH six days per week. Since MIL lingered for several years, this wore on her (and me).

There were some times when DW's local brother and both out of town siblings seemed to "not get it" that my DW's visiting (that they had become accustomed to her doing and grew to expect) was taking a toll and has, in fact, left some hard feelings.

So, my suggestion to you would be to be aware of the large sacrifice the people who are spending the time are making and try to share an understanding of that with others who might be involved.

If everyone involved dreads sacrificing their time and personal convenience, then alternative solutions should be researched and understood. For example, DW and I (we're 73 yrs old) have been visiting CCRC's and considering one as an alternative to living in our home until if and when we need a NH. This is because our DS, while a loving and loyal young man, really just isn't the type to be a frequent visitor and advocate for us at a NH.

Bottom line, helping financially is frequently much easier than giving large amounts of time. And the folks giving the time are often underappreciated by the others involved.