Brewer,
My sympathies both for your and wife and DD2. Not feeling safe in your world, and not being able to fully protect your child has to be agonizing.
A couple of observations followed by a few suggestions:
1. The observation is that a distinct social tone or dynamics can develop within a classroom, for the worse when by random chance an ill-natured ring leader turns up who attracts like-minded often weak acolytes. Or, whats worse, a nucleus of two or three particularly nasty kids end up in the cohort who REALLY reinforce each other.
Unfortunately, its hard to escape for the kids will progress together grade by grade. This happened to a niece many years ago. The teachers agreed it was a particularly difficult combination of children, but that was of no solace to my niece who to this day remains somewhat impacted emotionally. So, yes, I would not leave it to your daughter to handle and appreciate you have no intentions of doing so.
2. I have a very petite daughter and so again, yes, some training in martial arts could be valuable particularly as she grows older. That said, I'm not sure its appropriate to apply in a classroom where she is not actually being attacked physically. Our story:
My daughter was best friends in kindergarten with another very petite child who had received extensive training in some form of Chinese martial arts. The girls frequently hugged each other throughout the day, sometimes dramatically falling to the ground. The father (who was, of all things, a child psychologist) of the other child took exception to their parting in this way at schools end and apparently told his DD to employ some defensive technique against my kid. The other little girl apparently was too intimidated by Dad to tell him that she *liked* their hugging. Fortunately the other mom vetoed the martial action but my kid really was shaken thinking she could have been "killed" by her friend for she'd seen her train. (Yes, that's a dramatic reaction, but she was only 5 yo.)
My point, of course, is that providing your child with a defensive weapon (training) to use against another child on school property could lead to all sorts of legal ramifications, particularly when a young child may not yet have the judgment to apply the proper degree of force and inadvertently seriously injure a school mate.
As for my petite DD, we changed from a private school a fairly rough public school in third grade and bullies descended. Suggestions:
1. I don't believe you've mentioned whether the school has multiple classes for each grade. Usually separation is the first choice, and is one I found that school was eager to agree to for it was a simple solution. But for my DD, there was only one primary culprit and so perhaps this isn't applicable for you.
2. DD was also bullied more generally by the rougher boys. This consisted of being pushed, shoved etc. Her solution (and it was solely her idea) was to grow a very strong nail. Push me, get poked. It was quick, subtle (did not attract a teacher's attention) and worked well.
3. Yes, girls can be more likely to verbally bully. Here DD was fortunate in that the socially strong potential ring leader (who could be difficult with some kids, particularly in later years as her home life grew more troubled) in her new class took a liking to DD. Still, I made sure that DD remained in her good graces by inviting her to restaurants, allowing visits to our home (although I would not permit DD to go to her home unchaperoned). Maybe it was bribery but hey ...
4. Was DD encouraged to herself join into socially inappropriate actions? Yes, in one case in particular when the most troubled child was trying to isolate another good friend of DD. DD's first "solution" was to seemingly go along with the bully but to simultaneously try to reassure her other friend that she was just pretending. Hmmmm? Here, a technique that I'll mention below really helped DD place herself in her friend's position and she rose to the challenge of NOT joining in. The good friend grew into a lovely young lady whose friendship is prized by my DD while the bully was eventually shuttled into a program for the emotionally disturbed - a fact I've often highlighted by saying "Gee, what if you'd given in? All those good times with M. never would have happened." From receiving positive reinforcement, DD learned not to give in to social pressure. She today critically evaluates the behavior of her peers.
5. As for handling verbal bullying? While that was not a primary issue for DD (if only due to luck with that potentially difficult social queen bee), a technique that I've always used with children, that is recommended for teachers, and that perhaps can be applied in this situation is Foster Cline's - to turn the situation back on to the instigator by framing your verbal response in the form of a question. It's remarkably effective for it surprises and even dumbfounds the listener.
Perhaps you or even a counselor could help your DD learn to use it; it's an approach that she could find helpful throughout her life. (Again, even though the book is written as *parenting* technique it can be applied from a different frame of reference.)
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility - Kindle edition by Foster Cline, Jim Fay. Religion & Spirituality Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.
Best wishes. And yes, if all fails … I'd get your kid out of the school.
