Mass Memorial - Attend or Not Attend?

[easysurfer]

I got invited to a mass memorial for a parent of someone I went to grade school with.

This wasn't a personal invite but more like an announcement in a social media chain I belong to with about a dozen classmates from grade school.

As for the person I went to school with, I really haven't kept in touch at all except a recent funeral mass I went to for another classmate, this person was nice enough to walk up to me in reintroduce himself and later said he was very happy that I attended that funeral mass. I've never met his parent who passed away.

After reading some of the condolences on the social media chain, I'd say from about 8 people, I get the inkling that 2 will not attend. The other 6, I can't say one way or another. If I go and others don't, I don't want to feel like a fish out of water not really knowing anybody there except that one classmate. If I don't go, hope that doesn't appear rude not going.

A couple more factors that come to mind is if I go, hope that doesn't start a precedent and expectation of going to funerals, mass memorials of all the other classmates relatives. That can be like a full time job as more and more people around my age are dying. Another factor is, the mass memorial is bright and early in the morning. I'm barely out of bed by that time .

As I weigh the thoughts back and forth, I think if things were reversed. If a relative of mine passed away, I wouldn't expect former grade school classmates to attend as for the most part, I haven't kept in touch much (except occasionally now and that social media chain).

 

[CardsFan]

Personally, I only go to these if I knew the person well, or if I am close with a family member (child, spouse, sibling, etc.).

I would not feel bad about taking a pass.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Personally I would not go if I didn't personally know the deceased. That rule includes wedding. My friend invited us to attend her daughter's wedding, someone whom I had not even met. I passed.

 

[GrayHare]

+1 on the above

 

[MarieIG]

Personally I would not go if I didn't personally know the deceased. That rule includes wedding. My friend invited us to attend her daughter's wedding, someone whom I had not even met. I passed.

I don't follow the same rules for a memorial and a wedding. A co-worker (with whom I was friendly) lost her 18 year old son in an automobile accident. She was devastated. I went to the memorial to provide support. I would not have attended the wedding for one of her children, as I didn't really know them.

For OP - I don't see a relationship here, either with the decedent, or with his son, to trigger your attendance.

 

[easysurfer]

I don't follow the same rules for a memorial and a wedding. A co-worker (with whom I was friendly) lost her 18 year old son in an automobile accident. She was devastated. I went to the memorial to provide support. I would not have attended the wedding for one of her children, as I didn't really know them.

For OP - I don't see a relationship here, either with the decedent, or with his son, to trigger your attendance.

I think my body kind of given me the answer. The mass is around 10 miles from me starts around 9 am. Don't think I can even answer the bell to get up early enough.

I don't plan on attending. I'll let some of the classmates who were closer represent my class .

In the meantime, of course, I'll still be supportive in the social media chain the grade school classmates have.

 

[MarieIG]

Sounds right to me.

 

[rk911]

Do what your heart tells you to do, not your brain.

 

[OldShooter]

Do what your heart tells you to do, not your brain.

This. Don't worry about what others might think or what they might do. Ever. That is very corrosive.

 

[pacergal]

You knew this person in grade school., haven't kept in touch and did not know the parent that passed.
I would skip the service and send your grade school classmate a condolence card in the mail, if nothing else, to acknowledge his/her loss.

 

[easysurfer]

You knew this person in grade school., haven't kept in touch and did not know the parent that passed.
I would skip the service and send your grade school classmate a condolence card in the mail, if nothing else, to acknowledge his/her loss.

I ended up not attending. On the social media chain I already offered my condolence. I'm sure in time when things settle a bit for him, he will post something after the memorial in the social media chain. I'm sure after that there will be some following supportive posts too. That's my approach in this situation and I'm sticking to it .

 

[Koolau]

I ended up not attending. On the social media chain I already offered my condolence. I'm sure in time when things settle a bit for him, he will post something after the memorial in the social media chain. I'm sure after that there will be some following supportive posts too. That's my approach in this situation and I'm sticking to it .

Yeah, life is too short to do what you don't want to do just "because" someone asked you to. You gotta do what you want to do because you want to. YMMV

 

[scrinch]

I think you're doing the right thing. Your level of relationship with the deceased's family isn't strong enough to require attendance, and you will be doing your part to limit the spread of covid at large gatherings this season.

 

[Aerides]

In general, you attend funerals when it is appropriate and meaningful for you to show support to the survivors in their grief. If you know they would value your presence, you show up.

All the more reason to get off facebook.

 

[easysurfer]

In general, you attend funerals when it is appropriate and meaningful for you to show support to the survivors in their grief. If you know they would value your presence, you show up.

All the more reason to get off facebook.

I think my presence would've been valued. But my absence not really missed too. So, either choice probably would've been okay.

But went with my gut feeling.

Another reason why I chose this path too is to set future expectations. Had I gone to memorial for someone with a remote connection, does this mean in order to not play favorites, I'd have to go to memorial services for others also remotely connected (like parents or siblings of other old grade school classmates?) That can be a full time job.

Part of the reason I think is thanks to social media. Social media has a way of making things feel more personal and more more connected so one has to read the tea leaves a bit and know one's own "policy". Now I have one. A "policy" that is .