Biggest Worry

[NW-Bound]

Here's a soothing song by Annie Lennox.

I Saved The World Today

There's a million mouths to feed
And I've got everything I need
I'm breathing
And there's a hurting thing inside
But I've got everything to hide
I'm grieving

Hey Hey I saved the world today
Everybody's happy now
The bad thing's gone away
And everybody's happy now
The good thing's here to stay
Please let it stay​

 

[Magus]

A three+ standard deviation left tail event - whether thats war, famine, disease, economic collapse, political collapse, hyperinflation etc not one thing specifically but we have had it good for a long time in the US - even in 08-09 really. I just feel like we're "due" and several of those things seem possible, even if not likely today.

 

[Spanky]

Health for me and my family.

+1. Health, mental and physical, is most important. I am not sure worrying about it would make any difference.

 

[Letj]

My DW worries all the time. It is a little hard to manage and deal with at times tbh. Does anyone else worry about almost everything? I am trying to figure out if its because she is a female, or a mother of three or just her personality or maybe even a mental illness of some sort. She worries out loud as well, where as maybe if I do worry its just silently to myself.

For instance this morning she was worried about why the baby was fussy. Then she worried about how much gas we had in the vehicle and she worried if our 50c gas coupon was going to expire before we had to fill-up. She then worried about her route she needed to take tomorrow. She worried about the food getting too warm if she bought frozen food at Wal Mart but then had to stop at CostCo on her way home as well, which is maybe a 15 minute or 20minute delay from getting the food home rather than going straight from walmart to home first.

She worried about how her workout went. She worried when I told her I had to leave right when the kids get home tonight to do a tree estimate, and I told her I would have the Salmon all grilled and ready as soon as she pulled in the driveway. She was worried it would get cold by the time she serves it. WIth the gas, I just logged in and looked on the website and saw that it was expiring the end of the month.

I just honestly don't understand how someone worries so much. The therapist says it might seem like I worry less because I am more of a problem solver coming up with solutions rather than first stating my worry. Like I said I quietly worry to myself, then think it through and finally come up with a plan.

For instance, with the dinner tonight, she could have told me to basically have the table set, with some sides ready to go so the fam is ready to eat right when they come home. For the groceries I would be fine if things were thawing for 15 minutes...as we aren't getting any ice cream. Just milk and to me that can be out of a freezer for an extra 15 minutes without any concerns. For her route she is worried about I would just plan it out in my head. For the gas concern, I could go onto google maps and add up all the miles and see that there is plenty of gas to make all the stops and still make it to a gas station (she often fills up at quarter tank, where I fill up when it is closer to empty). With the baby, I understand they have either 1 of 2 moods, they are either happy, or they are upset and its up to us as parents to motivate their mood from upset to happy again. Playing little games with them, making them giggle, doing peek-a-boo etc. instead of pacing around the house wondering why. Maybe it's also her conservative upbringing that causes some worry.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

What you’re referring to as worrying, I think off as talking out loud. She is just expressing everyday little decisions/indecisions out loud. She might just be an obsessive talker.

 

[Aerides]

My DW worries all the time. It is a little hard to manage and deal with at times tbh. Does anyone else worry about almost everything? I am trying to figure out if its because she is a female, or a mother of three or just her personality or maybe even a mental illness of some sort. She worries out loud as well, where as maybe if I do worry its just silently to myself.

Of course it's not "because she is a female" - have you seen that 50% of the planet behaves the same way? Me neither.

If I had a newborn, I'd probably wonder out loud about it, if he were fussy.

DH is more careful about re-freezing frozen foods quickly than I am, and I'm usually wrong and wind up sneaking stuff into the freezer, knowing that it's already melting more either of us would like.

I might talk about a work out I was not thrilled with, perhaps I didn't get as much out of it as I'd hoped, or thought maybe I pulled something, and overdid it.

I often find if I'm cooking one thing on the stove, and DH is cooking something on the grill to go with, coordinating the end times can be a challenge. I've overcooked and undercooked my side of things and it's not fun.

Note I don't mention "worry" in any of the above. Sounds like your wife is just talking to you, vs. the 3 kids that otherwise must consume her day. Unless she's wringing her hands and pacing and showing issues elsewhere, I think questioning her mental health is a bit of a leap.

 

[Gumby]

My DW worries all the time. ...
Anyone have thoughts on this?

One very important thing I have learned over the 38 years I've been married to the young wife is that she doesn't tell me her worries so that I can take action to solve the problem. She just wants to talk about what she is feeling.

 

[harllee]

What you’re referring to as worrying, I think off as talking out loud. She is just expressing everyday little decisions/indecisions out loud. She might just be an obsessive talker.

Sounds like to me she is overworked--a baby, shopping, household chores, etc. Maybe she needs some help?

 

[braumeister]

One very important thing I have learned over the 38 years I've been married to the young wife is that she doesn't tell me her worries so that I can take action to solve the problem. She just wants to talk about what she is feeling.

Yes, I sometimes have to apologize for not reading her mind. Seems like a fairly common failing.

 

[Major Tom]

I do occasionally think about things that I hope won't happen, but I don't spend much time worrying about them. Like others have said here, I hope that I don't suffer too much before I pass. Both my parents had dementia, so I could be at a higher risk for it. I was with my Dad in his last week and, to put it mildly, he was not having a great time. I hope I don't suffer the same fate, but it is largely beyond my control.

There are a great number of things that could go wrong, both in the world at large and in my personal world, which could result in great hardship. I don't have the time and energy to worry about them all. Instead, I choose the path of blissful ignorance, and will deal with adversities if and when they occur.


Don't worry about the future
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

BazLuhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Whether my 26 year old daughter will make it to 30 due to drug addiction.

As others have said, this is a genuine cause for concern. If I were in your situation, I'd be worrying too. My thoughts are with you.

Corn, my middle son has had a drug addiction since he was 19 and is now 44. He has been in and out of prison because of it and is homeless. I wouldn’t be surprised if he dies before me. I have learned to live with it.

This seems like a practical way to deal with such a situation. You reach a point where you realize there is only so much you can do for others, and have to protect your own sense of well-being.

 

[kgtest]

Sounds like to me she is overworked--a baby, shopping, household chores, etc. Maybe she needs some help?

I help her a lot. We discuss it a lot. Who should do what. Sometimes I just do things myself. It's not easy raising a family. We are in counseling to learn and grow. I am not here to judge or say I am right or wrong, perfect or imperfect. Its really a team effort on all fronts. It just seems DW worries a lot more than I do, or perhaps vocalizes more. Its easy to just tell someone to help more, but underneath the surface there is more to it then that. Perfectionism is part of it as well. Both DW and I seemingly try to be perfect in many ways and life isn't perfect.

 

[kgtest]

One very important thing I have learned over the 38 years I've been married to the young wife is that she doesn't tell me her worries so that I can take action to solve the problem. She just wants to talk about what she is feeling.

GOOD CALL! And being a great listener is key to a long lasting relationship! I am still working on being a better listener.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, the nail in the forehead is a good primer for man-woman relations.

 

[jollystomper]

My DW worries all the time. It is a little hard to manage and deal with at times tbh. Does anyone else worry about almost everything? I am trying to figure out if its because she is a female, or a mother of three or just her personality or maybe even a mental illness of some sort. She worries out loud as well, where as maybe if I do worry its just silently to myself.
...
Anyone have thoughts on this?

One factor might be how she was brought up. My DW is much more a worrier than me, but once I got to know her family I realized why. Her Dad was the only "common sense" member of her family in my view. Her mother and siblings seemed to delight in cutting each other down and making her feel insecure, "injecting the worry virus into her, especially as her achievements grew greater than theirs. So even when things go right for her, she worries that she wasn't "perfect".

One of the reasons she says she married me was because I was not a worrier and did not dwell on setbacks. I was raised by a Dad who never expressed worry, though as I got older and started understanding more of his background I am amazed at how he did not convey this to his kids. My mom did worry some but she was also a person to take actions to confront her worries - e.g. when we lived in a bad neighborhood with addicts and gang members she made it a point to get to know them and be firm but kind to them (which led to them "protecting" her kids instead of preying on them). My worries were more from myself putting more pressure on myself to excel.

I dated my wife long enough to see this side of her, and to figure out how to handle it, so it has not bothered me in our marriage. It has in fact made me more protective of her when it comes to dealing with her family.

 

[Act2]

As my Mom aged, she came to be quite the worrier. My Dad worried more as a young person and less as he aged. But Dad was a constant complainer, more so as he got older. Mom was not a complainer. Everyone is different.

 

[harllee]

I help her a lot. We discuss it a lot. Who should do what. Sometimes I just do things myself. It's not easy raising a family. We are in counseling to learn and grow. I am not here to judge or say I am right or wrong, perfect or imperfect. Its really a team effort on all fronts. It just seems DW worries a lot more than I do, or perhaps vocalizes more. Its easy to just tell someone to help more, but underneath the surface there is more to it then that. Perfectionism is part of it as well. Both DW and I seemingly try to be perfect in many ways and life isn't perfect.

Maybe you could hire some help to do some of the household things and help with the baby? That might help your wife with her worries.

 

[Letj]

One very important thing I have learned over the 38 years I've been married to the young wife is that she doesn't tell me her worries so that I can take action to solve the problem. She just wants to talk about what she is feeling.

So true. I’ve found a lot of us women are like that. Talking out loud about your feeling really is good for your mental health.

 

[BooBoo]

Kanye

I worry about whether Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are going to last.

I really worry about Kanye

 

[Amethyst]

It's funny, I've never been the type who has to talk about her feelings. I appreciate someone caring how I feel, but it's entirely secondary to solving whatever problems are causing bad feelings. I get a little impatient when other people want to go on and on about some issue that they evidently have no intention of doing anything to fix (that's different from an unfixable woe, where I will be very empathetic).

Sometimes I keep a problem to myself because I know it will only upset the other person because they can't solve it, either.

One very important thing I have learned over the 38 years I've been married to the young wife is that she doesn't tell me her worries so that I can take action to solve the problem. She just wants to talk about what she is feeling.

 

[Taxman59]

My DW worries all the time. It is a little hard to manage and deal with at times tbh. Does anyone else worry about almost everything? I am trying to figure out if its because she is a female, or a mother of three or just her personality or maybe even a mental illness of some sort. She worries out loud as well, where as maybe if I do worry its just silently to myself.

For instance this morning she was worried about why the baby was fussy. Then she worried about how much gas we had in the vehicle and she worried if our 50c gas coupon was going to expire before we had to fill-up. She then worried about her route she needed to take tomorrow. She worried about the food getting too warm if she bought frozen food at Wal Mart but then had to stop at CostCo on her way home as well, which is maybe a 15 minute or 20minute delay from getting the food home rather than going straight from walmart to home first.

She worried about how her workout went. She worried when I told her I had to leave right when the kids get home tonight to do a tree estimate, and I told her I would have the Salmon all grilled and ready as soon as she pulled in the driveway. She was worried it would get cold by the time she serves it. WIth the gas, I just logged in and looked on the website and saw that it was expiring the end of the month.

I just honestly don't understand how someone worries so much. The therapist says it might seem like I worry less because I am more of a problem solver coming up with solutions rather than first stating my worry. Like I said I quietly worry to myself, then think it through and finally come up with a plan.

For instance, with the dinner tonight, she could have told me to basically have the table set, with some sides ready to go so the fam is ready to eat right when they come home. For the groceries I would be fine if things were thawing for 15 minutes...as we aren't getting any ice cream. Just milk and to me that can be out of a freezer for an extra 15 minutes without any concerns. For her route she is worried about I would just plan it out in my head. For the gas concern, I could go onto google maps and add up all the miles and see that there is plenty of gas to make all the stops and still make it to a gas station (she often fills up at quarter tank, where I fill up when it is closer to empty). With the baby, I understand they have either 1 of 2 moods, they are either happy, or they are upset and its up to us as parents to motivate their mood from upset to happy again. Playing little games with them, making them giggle, doing peek-a-boo etc. instead of pacing around the house wondering why. Maybe it's also her conservative upbringing that causes some worry.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

I am in the same boat with my wife. as we sit down to breakfast she worries that we don't have anything planned for lunch. I had an issue with a letter drafted by an attorney that pointed out a filing error in the 50's on some investment land. I said that the lawyers and the property office will figure it out. She worries that it is my fault and we will lose everything if it isn't fixed and the cost to fix it will bankrupt us. I have been dealing with this for the past 25 years (before that, I didn't see the problem, probably because I was working too much ). I have resigned myself to living with this for the next 15-20 years (more than that will likely kill one of us!).

 

[Amethyst]

It is certainly not because she is female, because so am I (and have been told I'm very "feminine") but these small things do not worry me at all.

As you are no doubt aware, Moms never stop worrying about their kids, even when Mom is 85 and the kid is 60. But that doesn't explain worrying about a fifty-cent gas coupon.

Some of what you describe, sounds less like "worrying" and more like the way a detail-oriented person plans out her day. If she likes to do her planning out loud, it may sound like fretting to you. But I would see it as exercising her strength of paying attention to small details.

I have no idea what effect a "conservative" upbringing would have on anything, but that's probably because my parents were middle-of-the-road politically, as am I.

My DW worries all the time. It is a little hard to manage and deal with at times tbh. Does anyone else worry about almost everything? I am trying to figure out if its because she is a female, or a mother of three or just her personality or maybe even a mental illness of some sort. She worries out loud as well, where as maybe if I do worry its just silently to myself.

For instance this morning she was worried about why the baby was fussy. Then she worried about how much gas we had in the vehicle and she worried if our 50c gas coupon was going to expire before we had to fill-up. She then worried about her route she needed to take tomorrow. She worried about the food getting too warm if she bought frozen food at Wal Mart but then had to stop at CostCo on her way home as well, which is maybe a 15 minute or 20minute delay from getting the food home rather than going straight from walmart to home first.

She worried about how her workout went. She worried when I told her I had to leave right when the kids get home tonight to do a tree estimate, and I told her I would have the Salmon all grilled and ready as soon as she pulled in the driveway. She was worried it would get cold by the time she serves it. WIth the gas, I just logged in and looked on the website and saw that it was expiring the end of the month.

I just honestly don't understand how someone worries so much. The therapist says it might seem like I worry less because I am more of a problem solver coming up with solutions rather than first stating my worry. Like I said I quietly worry to myself, then think it through and finally come up with a plan.

For instance, with the dinner tonight, she could have told me to basically have the table set, with some sides ready to go so the fam is ready to eat right when they come home. For the groceries I would be fine if things were thawing for 15 minutes...as we aren't getting any ice cream. Just milk and to me that can be out of a freezer for an extra 15 minutes without any concerns. For her route she is worried about I would just plan it out in my head. For the gas concern, I could go onto google maps and add up all the miles and see that there is plenty of gas to make all the stops and still make it to a gas station (she often fills up at quarter tank, where I fill up when it is closer to empty). With the baby, I understand they have either 1 of 2 moods, they are either happy, or they are upset and its up to us as parents to motivate their mood from upset to happy again. Playing little games with them, making them giggle, doing peek-a-boo etc. instead of pacing around the house wondering why. Maybe it's also her conservative upbringing that causes some worry.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

 

[kgtest]

It is certainly not because she is female, because so am I (and have been told I'm very "feminine") but these small things do not worry me at all.

As you are no doubt aware, Moms never stop worrying about their kids, even when Mom is 85 and the kid is 60. But that doesn't explain worrying about a fifty-cent gas coupon.

Some of what you describe, sounds less like "worrying" and more like the way a detail-oriented person plans out her day. If she likes to do her planning out loud, it may sound like fretting to you. But I would see it as exercising her strength of paying attention to small details.

I have no idea what effect a "conservative" upbringing would have on anything, but that's probably because my parents were middle-of-the-road politically, as am I.

I think you are onto something. DW is a serial planner, one reason being I think she is not good with change, or moreso surprises or unplanned things that spontaneously come up. She has 2 planners, plus our Calendar she and I share to write down obligations throughout the month/year. I can be spontaneous without bother, or worry. She on the other hand always starts tossing out a bunch of questions, which is fine but hard for someone with my personality type to always understand. I think in one way that is the beauty of being around people different than I, that I do learn things from them. It's interesting because we are complete opposites on many regards, but our core values are 100% aligned. I always sort of use the analogy that "there is more than one way to get the dishes clean, and none of them are incorrect". Two different paths will often lead to the same destination/outcome, just a different adventure on the way. I try my best to communicate things as soon as they pop up but since its not my nature to plan out everything ahead of time sometimes I admittedly am the reason for her worrying. We always have a hard time planning trips because her initial fears/worries overwhelm the idea or discussion on where to travel etc. Then, once we start planning it out she sort of "comes around" to the ideas of travelling. I do also think a lot of it is being the "mom" role and I get it. As a father, I have certain values and objectives as I raise my children and she has others, but together, we make a really strong, really solid, really great team. Sometimes it just takes a little conversation and adjustment for us to get to where we are going is all.

It's funny, someone above mentioned the cooler...my wife TOTALLY came up with that solution on her own yesterday and decided to take a cooler with her to CostCo/Wal-mart so the cold items stayed cold. I think our wives would get along GREAT with each other. Me, I just let the stuff get warm knowing it will be in the refrigerator soon enough.

In terms of the conservative thing, its probably more the opposites attract thing again. My parents raised me somewhat middle of the road, but liberal leaning, whereas her parents and especially her mom's influence put her in the more conservative leaning camp; I'm not talking politically specifically, just that they are not quick to make spontaneous decisions, they plan a lot of stuff out, they enjoy familiarity without much change (her mom has worn the same outfits and the same clothing style ever since I met her 15 years ago) so they very much know what they like, and more so don't want to worry about change so they don't change things around much. My dad bought a sailboat out of the blue one day. He took us on spontaneous camping trips or road trips that he hadn't planned out much where we just kinda went where the road and wind blew us. So I was raised much differently in that regard...maybe conservative vs less conservative isn't the best term for that, though.

DW does enough worrying for the both of us. She also is very quick to be like "I told you so!" lol. But I still love her for who she is.

A while ago my DW was super worried about the kids having any sugar before bed, and it caused a bit of a "debate" when I gave them the Crystal Light drink. I had to politely remind her that Crystal Light was sugar free. She knew it was sugar-free, she is the one that bought it for that reason, but I think the idea that it was red, and looked like the cool-aid or whatever that isn't sugar free was enough for her brain to sort of trip up and start the worrying. BUT...we started googling, or maybe she did (hehehe) and discovered there are "other" bad things in that drink, so it really didn't help my side of the debate much.

 

[jldavid47]

When I was young my father used to tell me "Worry is a useless emotion. 95% of the time what you are worrying about never happens and the other 5% it's never as bad as you though it would be." My experience has been that he was right. Therefore, I don't worry - especially over things that I have absolutely no control over. I have concerns and wonder about certain things in the future, but not worry.

I guess the Serenity Prayer has been one of my guideposts over the years as well. I first saw it when I was young hanging in my grandmother's kitchen.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Works well as a philosophy no matter what your beliefs are in the Divine.

 

[Amethyst]

I'm a worrier, in the same sense as a dog "worrying" a bone. He keeps coming back to it, chewing on it, looking at it, growling at it, turning it over in his paws.

That is how I approach a difficult problem. I write it down, pore over it, Google it, perhaps post a question about it on the ER forum. I also talk about it out loud to myself, or anyone who may be listening.

Time elapses between these activities. To someone else, it may look like fretting (and in fact there may be some of that going on) but my method, over time, has produced solutions that other people have admired and adopted themselves.

 

[Goldendoodlebug]

I think worrying is an inherited trait. In many people it’s also a sign of anxiety. My Mom never worried about anything and she had plenty to worry about.

My sister-in-law is also a worrier and said she gets it from her Dad.
My husband is a worrier and has anxiety. Both he got from his Mother.

People who worry a lot do not necessarily want to be worriers but are unable to turn it off. It’s easy to tell someone not to worry, but doesn’t mean they can just stop

He does not do well with change and spontaneity. I will often make plans or off-handed remarks and he takes my out-loud musings as fact, something he needs to act on. I might just be thinking about where to take our next trip and will change my mind several times before we actually decide on where to go.

 

[eytonxav]

Right now I am mostly worried about improving my pickleball game.