Bert Cooper
Dryer sheet aficionado
- Joined
- May 19, 2013
- Messages
- 31
Hi all, haven't posted in a long time. 38 now. I still work for a global marketing agency (almost 9 years). It's been around a long time and has a heritage. I used to enjoy the work and had a hand in it, but I'm high enough in management now that I don't do any of the actual work (manage production/developers). The work is intense. Unrealistic deadlines, small budgets, not enough resources, client politics, internal politics, demanding account people, incompetent project managers. I really like half the people I work with, the other half are @$$holes. I used to take pride in the work and the agency, but now realize that all of our work and hassle and effort distill down to a 3-4% annual revenue increase for the home office that feeds the stock price. That's it. Nothing more than that.
I burned out 3 years ago, which led me to find this forum actually and see that I wasn't alone in how I felt about my job. That caused me to overhaul my lifestyle to LBYM, which has been awesome actually...a really positive change... and gave me a FIRE date of 2023 if I could stay on the path. Ever since it's been bumpy but manageable. In the hard times I remember the path that I'm on and they blow over eventually.
But, I've burned out again and this time it's different. I'm drowning. The only way to fix it for me is to scale and hire a #2. But I'm running into major resistance on hiring, despite a pretty thorough justification (nevermind it's stupid-obvious to anyone paying attention). The politics between departments are at all-time low. I'm getting circumvented a lot because I don't tell them what they want to hear, call out risks, and actually want to execute successfully. Process is getting abandoned all over the place. We've got a couple of big death-march projects and we're going to lose people, yet it seems that I'm powerless to stop it. I've seen 3 people cry at work in the last two weeks. Project managers are enforcers for the account people as opposed to being actual project managers. We will let a client destroy our internal teams, all because they want something that's not realistic and we won't say no.
I realized recently that I may have let this happen over time. I've always cared deeply about the quality of work that I do and have been proud of it. I think that's fed me turning into a workaholic. And I've always chased more responsibility and more money. I've put work above a lot of things. I stopped sleeping well a couple of years ago. Now, I can't sleep without Ambien. Social life outside work? Nope. Vacations? Not often. One day off this year. Hobbies? No. Fun? Very infrequently. Health? Let my weight slip for years, with the drinking and constantly eating out, although I did make this a big priority over the last year and am back in shape. But recently things have gotten a lot worse. I'm constantly stressed out. Nearly every day is a bad day, with heated discussions and conflict. I'm carrying around a knot in my stomatch that doesn't go away, even at night. My breathing is shallow and doesn't feel like it's enough sometimes. I'm having escape fantasies daily (not working, playing music all day, or starting a business). I feel like my mental health is starting to slip a bit. I'm obsessed with the future and the planning of it. I'm losing my sense of humor, am irritable, feel like Debbie Downer a lot, and sometimes think about quitting on the spot without regard for the future. I spend a lot of time outside of work trying to de-stress and not think about work and get angry when I can't stop ruminating about it on my personal time. I don't know how much is the job and how much is me and what is realistic to expect anymore. I just know I don't want to live like this anymore.
But I don't want to jump off my FIRE path either, even though it feels a long way away. It's become very important to me. I've already made it 3 years and that seemed far away when I started. I do have a 6mo emergency fund. The big barrier is finding another job that I enjoy with comparable comp. I don't think I can find it in the area (haven't been looking) but I know I'm paid aggressively for the area and could see a 30% paycut happening, and who knows if I would enjoy the work. And I'm scared of the grass not being greener.
I've been searching the forum for days, combing over stress management stuff on the web for months. This has all felt bigger than me lately, so I am trying to find a therapist via the EAP. Would love some fresh perspectives...
I burned out 3 years ago, which led me to find this forum actually and see that I wasn't alone in how I felt about my job. That caused me to overhaul my lifestyle to LBYM, which has been awesome actually...a really positive change... and gave me a FIRE date of 2023 if I could stay on the path. Ever since it's been bumpy but manageable. In the hard times I remember the path that I'm on and they blow over eventually.
But, I've burned out again and this time it's different. I'm drowning. The only way to fix it for me is to scale and hire a #2. But I'm running into major resistance on hiring, despite a pretty thorough justification (nevermind it's stupid-obvious to anyone paying attention). The politics between departments are at all-time low. I'm getting circumvented a lot because I don't tell them what they want to hear, call out risks, and actually want to execute successfully. Process is getting abandoned all over the place. We've got a couple of big death-march projects and we're going to lose people, yet it seems that I'm powerless to stop it. I've seen 3 people cry at work in the last two weeks. Project managers are enforcers for the account people as opposed to being actual project managers. We will let a client destroy our internal teams, all because they want something that's not realistic and we won't say no.
I realized recently that I may have let this happen over time. I've always cared deeply about the quality of work that I do and have been proud of it. I think that's fed me turning into a workaholic. And I've always chased more responsibility and more money. I've put work above a lot of things. I stopped sleeping well a couple of years ago. Now, I can't sleep without Ambien. Social life outside work? Nope. Vacations? Not often. One day off this year. Hobbies? No. Fun? Very infrequently. Health? Let my weight slip for years, with the drinking and constantly eating out, although I did make this a big priority over the last year and am back in shape. But recently things have gotten a lot worse. I'm constantly stressed out. Nearly every day is a bad day, with heated discussions and conflict. I'm carrying around a knot in my stomatch that doesn't go away, even at night. My breathing is shallow and doesn't feel like it's enough sometimes. I'm having escape fantasies daily (not working, playing music all day, or starting a business). I feel like my mental health is starting to slip a bit. I'm obsessed with the future and the planning of it. I'm losing my sense of humor, am irritable, feel like Debbie Downer a lot, and sometimes think about quitting on the spot without regard for the future. I spend a lot of time outside of work trying to de-stress and not think about work and get angry when I can't stop ruminating about it on my personal time. I don't know how much is the job and how much is me and what is realistic to expect anymore. I just know I don't want to live like this anymore.
But I don't want to jump off my FIRE path either, even though it feels a long way away. It's become very important to me. I've already made it 3 years and that seemed far away when I started. I do have a 6mo emergency fund. The big barrier is finding another job that I enjoy with comparable comp. I don't think I can find it in the area (haven't been looking) but I know I'm paid aggressively for the area and could see a 30% paycut happening, and who knows if I would enjoy the work. And I'm scared of the grass not being greener.
I've been searching the forum for days, combing over stress management stuff on the web for months. This has all felt bigger than me lately, so I am trying to find a therapist via the EAP. Would love some fresh perspectives...