Care for Family Members

[Rianne]

My DB assumes, always has over the years, he will come and stay with us over holidays, last summer he spent 7 weeks at our house. Now, it's become a health issue. He will need a hip replacement in the near future and has invited himself to come and stay with us. He's FI, retired professor and is secure in his future. I just found this out this morning. What extent do I offer our house, time interruption of our lifestyle to accommodate his situation?

I suddenly am thinking, are we now a care center? I'm having a hard time with this. Has anyone been put in a similar position? We're happily FIRE, have our schedules. DH, his consulting, my volunteer work which I chose due to the love of our forest preserves.

 

[Aerides]

Time to have a chat with your DB... no one in my family would invite themselves, or consider staying with me for more than a week at a time - that's an imposition, and if you think you don't like it... imaging what your DH thinks (even if he doesn't say).

If anyone even asked me to stay for weeks I'd probably say "Are you nuts?" - but you've somehow let this become the norm for a long time with this brother. I'd never "find out" that someone was coming, period, it just doesn't work that way.

You need to say no, and suffer the consequences. Hurt feelings, bitching and moaning will ensue, expect silent treatment for months after, or being completely shut out. Stay firm.

If you even say "can you make it 2 weeks?" it'll be a month.

 

[Jerry1]

I’m going to assume you have room in your house and in general, you don’t care if your DB comes to stay as long as he wants. He is family and as long as he’s no burden, who cares. However, being a care giver is a different matter entirely. Time to have a talk. Basically, hey bro, I love ya but I’m not a nurse. If your involvement is the only issue, maybe he can hire a care giver to come in during the day and you take night duty. Maybe hired nurse stays longer (24/7) for the first week until all is well an DB is getting along on his own pretty well.

Having said that, they have, and your DB should use, a rehab facility. They’ll get him up walking around and get him back to fully functioning quicker. They know what they’re doing, especially if there are any problems.

 

[O2Bfree]

I can understand how this situation has progressed, with him being family. My brother came to us homeless with a variety of addiction issues, and we turned him away. He's inflicted a lot of pain on our family over many decades, which made it a little easier to say 'no', but there was still a tug at my heart when I said it.

Is your DB lonely? Sounds like he has no SO or other relationships, no one else he could ask for home care after a surgery. If that's the case, I wonder if he could be transferred to a rehab place after surgery until he can take care of himself again. Perhaps you could ask him to look into that, with the angle that he might be more comfortable with professional care. After all, you're not a nursing home, you're a FIREd couple with your own lives to live. If he lives close by, or maybe even if he's far away, you could offer to visit and check in on him when he gets home after his surgery.

Definitely though, it's time to stop these impositions. If he has some other, more serious health issue in the future, you may find yourself housing a chronic invalid full-time.

 

[chris2008]

How about helping him to find a rehab place close to your home? Then you could visit and help him with some shopping but he would get professional help to get back on his feet. Long term the rehab place could transfer him to assisted living if that is what he needs.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Now is the time to put a end to this. The only people I would want that long would be my kids.

 

[youbet]

Now is the time to put a end to this. The only people I would want that long would be my kids.

+1

We had to have that touchy discussion with DW’s younger brother. He was very comfortable thinking of his older DS as his mom substitute at holidays, when he had medical issues, etc. We enjoy seeing him for dinner and holiday events from time to time but did not want to be his assumed care givers or port in a storm.

 

[ivinsfan]

At my age I don't even want my kids around that long..it's hard work taking care of someone

 

[Rianne]

I appreciate the replies. He does not have a SO. He feels comfortable with DH/me, we treat him well, go to movies, out to eat and for the most part enjoy his visits. Last summer, when he stayed 7 weeks preparing to go overseas for a Fulbright program, it became somewhat unnerving. Our house floor plan is such that one side of the house is our bed/bath, the kitchen, LR, sun room in the middle and bed/bath/guest room and office on the other side of the house. It's a ranch so areas are private and quiet if so desired.

We're going overseas to Prague/Vienna/Budapest in May, primarily because he was supposed to be there finishing his program. He's coming back early because of this health issue. We'll take the vacation regardless, I cannot wait!

I'm getting a little tense writing about this. He cannot drive because of several accidents, an absent minded (but lovable) kind of person. He was a prof. for over 30 years in Florida. I shared with my SIL and she suggested an Airbnb that is available not far from our house. Uber is popular here. We'll be discussing these options for him. We happen to have an excellent surgeon in this area for hip replacements. If he decides to undergo this operation here instead of FL, which is what I gathered in our text exchanges, he can rent that Airbnb and we'll be close.

 

[Moemg]

If He has the rehab after the surgery He should only need limited care before He returns home .Rather than not have him stay at all limit it to ten days to two weeks post rehab stay .

 

[Col. Klink]

At my age I don't even want my kids around that long..it's hard work taking care of someone

My dad used to say that after three days anyone staying with you begins to smell like a fish. Even when the kids visit, or when we visit them, we limit it to 2 or 3 days.

P.S. The gentleman will get better care at the rehab and his progress notes can be forwarded electronically directly to his primary care physician or ortho specialist.

 

[Dtail]

My DGF and I are taking care of my brother full time. He is mostly independent, but still can be tiring at times.
I agree in general with the 3 day rule.

 

[haha]

I had a hip replacement about 5 years ago. I stayed with my girlfriend maybe a few days. I was kind if a pain for her because I had lost so much blood during the surgery and my brain was not really up to snuff. I didn't realize this, but the next year I did let her stay with me for 6 months because apartments in her building were being renovated and the chemicals getting into the air in her building were a big problem for her.

Anyway, I would always hope to be willing to do this kind of thing and also want that she could help me similarly.

There are loner type guys in my building, and they have to find other arrangements, which seem harder for them.

Ha

 

[mexexpat]

Most people would prefer to stay in there own home for recovery after surgery and the commiserate rehab/PT. Maybe suggest he may be more comfortable in his own home and offer to visit him for a week to help him post-surgery. If you agree to a lengthy stay at your home for him now, it will never end.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I think if someone is traveling quite a ways to visit they should stay a week if they want to provided that they were invited. Assuming that someone is going to care for you after surgery is weird unless it’s your partner or parents.

 

[jazz4cash]

Does your DB have some medical directives laid out in a legal document? I agree you need to keep this from becoming a burden or maybe it is already and you need to reverse course. You are correct to feel it is time to take action. Good luck. I am anticipating similar issues in my own situation.

 

[Rianne]

DB will be here tomorrow. It is currently 3 degrees at 10:18 am. He's coming in from Prague and the shut down will surely cause delays.

He had the option of flying directly into Miami, within driving distance to his house. Warm, sunny weather. I have concluded, he wants to be close to family after hospitalization in Prague. He cut his Fulbright obligation short. The bulk of our family lives in Champaign and the weather is treacherous right now. But we'll be close and a means of support. He told me he'll stay 4-5 days. I take that with a grain of salt due to the shutdown.