Death w Dignity experience NSFW(?)

[audreyh1]

God luck aja

My FIL passed from COPD. He was in some pain we were at wits end trying to get him into hospice. The docs kept saying we need to have him come to the office to do an eval. that would have required a medical transport & I would not do that to him. I finally went to the admin office & broke down. They arranged hospice to come out that night. He was in hospice for several weeks. The morphine at the end kept him comfortable. Good luck

To get my DF in hospice a family friend (who was a retired doctor) convinced his personal doctor to visit DF’s care home for a hospice evaluation.

This having to travel to a doctor for evaluation when terribly ill is awful. There should be some circumstances for house calls.

 

[healthyandfun]

Thanks for sharing this journey with all of us. It brought tears to my eyes. Wishing you all the best as you create a new path in life.

 

[Car-Guy]

This having to travel to a doctor for evaluation when terribly ill is awful. There should be some circumstances for house calls.

We "had" a doctor here in the rural area where we live, that would make house calls when some of his established patients were really to sick to come in. Unfortunately he "semi-retired" a few years ago and now makes house calls exclusively (geriatrics only)... Maybe Ill qualify before much longer.

 

[ShokWaveRider]

Thanks for the OP. I found it interesting that you could administer it yourself when ready. For my BIL the Docs had to be certified MAID (Canada) physicians and they had to help.

 

[pacergal]

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.
Oregons DwD act is a blessing for those who wish to use it.

 

[H2ODude]

Obviously a repeated comment in this thread, but Thanks Scrapr for the very touching post. I'd feel guilty having read it and admired your love and the ability to share your story if I didn't add my thanks.

I wish the DwD was universally available, doubt it will be here in my state for a long long time. It's inhumane to impose the end of life traumas that so many must experience. The Hemmingway exit while effective is a brutal thing for the remaining family to go through I'd think. Me, I'm stockpiling some meds I've been getting for years that I don't take all of each month.

I wish you all the happiness you can find Scrapr, thanks again.

 

[TimeMeasure]

Scrapr, thank you for writing this. Plainly but beautifully written.

Hopefully it brings you some benefit to write it. It certainly benefits the rest of us. Your story lights the way for those of us who may someday travel that same path, or help someone else to. It is one thing to read the logistical details of the process publicly available; it’s another thing to read how it can actually play out for people as a real experience.

 

[FIYes]

Scrapr, your love for your late wife comes through in this. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Born2BRetd]

Thank you for sharing. Although I am sorry for what you experienced, I think your wife's death was beautiful in that she was able to decide when she had had enough and you were able to say your goodbyes.

Unfortunately, my sister in law's husband died a horrifyingly painful and undignified death. (For those that are squeamish don't read anymore.) He had colon cancer and had a blockage that prevented him from moving his bowels. The feces had to go somewhere and he was vomiting feces.

After witnessing his horrible end, she was one of the major movers in Oregon in having the Death with Dignity Act passed.

 

[Markola]

DW is a two-time breast cancer survivor, so far, so I can’t help but to have wondered what it’s really like at the very end. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Peace.

 

[Major Tom]

Born2BRetd - that had to have been a truly horrific and traumatizing way for your SIL to watch someone she loved die. The poor man must have been very keen for it all to end, as soon as possible. How awful.

I do understand that some people have moral/ethical/religious objections to DwD. However, I think that only the most hardened could not see the legitimacy of such an approach when presented with a case like this.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

Thank you for sharing @Scrapr and others.
I’m sorry for your loss.

I came to the conclusion that DwD should be an option for terminally ill people when I was 19 and my father was dying from a terminal brain tumor.
It was 1978 and we didn’t even have hospice available in our area. My dad laid in a hospital for 6 weeks. The morphine was regulated and in the end he was in horrible pain.
It’s a terrible way to treat people.
As someone else said, we treat our animals with more compassion.

If faced with a terminal illness I will absolutely choose DwD.
I also agree it should be an option for people if dementia significantly impacts their quality of life. This would need to be requested beforehand of course.

I’m going to need to check on getting my wishes memorialized.

 

[Scrapr]

After witnessing his horrible end, she was one of the major movers in Oregon in having the Death with Dignity Act passed.

Thank you to you & your SIL. She made a difference in my life. Send her a hug from me

 

[kgtest]

Thanks for sharing your story. My sister is battling hard and its obvious the strongest pain meds available are not working. I am having a hard time trying to sort it all out but the end is near.

She was able to crawl down the stairs with my help today and make it to her lab appointment thank God. she isn't eating much these days and I feel guilty being so healthy while she struggles. Argh. Maybe this is an option. She is hanging on as a divorcee in fear of still losing her kids to her ex. On her final weeks that is a terrible thing to witness.

 

[ivinsfan]

Thanks for sharing your story. My sister is battling hard and its obvious the strongest pain meds available are not working. I am having a hard time trying to sort it all out but the end is near.

She was able to crawl down the stairs with my help today and make it to her lab appointment thank God. she isn't eating much these days and I feel guilty being so healthy while she struggles. Argh. Maybe this is an option. She is hanging on as a divorcee in fear of still losing her kids to her ex. On her final weeks that is a terrible thing to witness.

God Bless you all and give you strength. Be good to yourself this is undoubtedly one of the hardest things you will ever live through.


You sound like a good sibling..many siblings can't take the final days of a loved one. It takes a special strength and love to be there day by day. You won't ever regret being there for her.

 

[Amethyst]

Oh, no. Is there no way to reassure this poor lady that her kids will be well taken care of? (I'm sure you've tried!) The strongest pain meds in the world can't keep a Mom from worrying about that.

T She is hanging on as a divorcee in fear of still losing her kids to her ex. On her final weeks that is a terrible thing to witness.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Thanks both of you. I appreciate the concern.

She's not quite ready for hospice, and they did an evaluation at our home and said call us when she gets worse. Her pulmonary doc told us four years ago that most people with her level of COPD make it about four or five years. She has done most of that time and all it will take is one lung infection (flu, Covid) to make things real bad. She's on a lot of drugs......(12 of them?) for breathing help, anxiety, BP, cholesterol, etc. and the breathing steroids have caused severe osteoporosis.

The bone issues have caused real hell for her as 4 vertebrae split when she was reaching for an item off the counter. Those bones had to be glued back together (Kyphoplasty surgery). Right after the bone surgery, the doc told me her bones had lost so much density, he could see thru them viewing the x-ray used during the gluing process. She also has lost 4" in height in the last couple of years.

We are not taking any long trips going forward, for sure.

COPD is one of the most difficult conditions for hospice determinations. Both my Mom and Dad died of it and both in hospice so I got to be very familiar with the Medicare rules and procedures and the "qualifications." In both cases, the hospice admission was fairly simple...the primary doc made a referral and the hospice med director (a physician) made the house call and made the determination. The end-disease of COPD course can be very different; my Mom was enrolled in hospice for 364 days...a good 10 months longer than the statistics indicated. My Dad barely lasted two weeks when we thought (and the statistics) he would have at least a couple of months.

I think it bears mentioning that there are a LOT of hospice providers and the one that we used was a religious based organization (although we are not particularly religious folks) that was an absolute God send (no pun intended) when it came to end of life care. So, if folks have issues with your primary doc (or getting an appointment or having to LEAVE THE HOUSE for a admission decision)...CALL AROUND!!!

 

[GaryInCO]

Scrapr thanks for sharing your story. It resonated with me on several levels.

First, you and your wife were both fortunate to be together to the end. Sadly my DW, who I loved to distraction, dumped me 11 yrs ago. Unlike you, I have not managed to find a new partner. I really miss being in a loving relationship. But at 65 with medical "issues" I'm afraid my chances are slim -- especially since I almost can't socialize during COVID.

Second, in 2019 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and lymphoma. The PC is no biggie; a relatively minor surgery treated it with projected 99% cure rate. The lymphoma is not so easy. It's the exact same form that killed my dad, and it wasn't a pleasant end. All online info (Mayo, Johns Hopkins, etc) indicated not much had changed, same barbaric treatments, median 2-3 yr survival. And it wouldn't be 2-3 pleasant years. So I started getting my affairs in order and looking into DwD options. We have legal DwD in Colorado, but only after you've been given 6 months to live. Not sure if I want to hang on that long if I know I'm on the way out, but at least I do have that option.

Thankfully, my oncologist told me the online info was outdated. Very recent drugs are working miraculously (so far), with almost zero side effects. The lymphoma is in remission, my doc says it should stay that way for a minimum of 3-5 years, and by that point there are newer/better drugs already in the pipeline. So I may not have to face the DwD decision any time soon.

Now if only I could find a partner to share my "golden" years...

 

[frances]

Thank you for sharing

I know this was a hard thing for you to share. Thank you.
Made me cry.
Hugs for you, and I'm happy for you finding another person to share your life with.

And I agree with many of the posts here - I wish DwD was available across the country and also for dementia. My dad had dementia and when he was diagnosed he told me "I don't want to live like that". Unfortunately he did - about 12 years from diagnosis to death but the worst years were the last 7 - a massive stroke that really wreaked havoc on him and nearly did mom and me both in.

 

[tuckeverlasting]

Scrapr, I so appreciate your relating this story, so clearly and eloquently spoken straight from your heart. I too live in a state with DWD, and your road map gives me an idea of what to expect should I one day need to follow it. Very helpful, and so deeply affecting.

 

[mystang52]

OP's post makes for a great argument supporting DwD. A touching story of love and why DwD can be a blessing.

 

[brett]

Medical Assisted In Dying (MAID) has had a great deal of public support.

In 2020, when the legislation was before the Supreme Court, 86 percent of Canadians supported the legislation. 50% strongly, 36% somewhat.

If anything, public acceptance has gained even more support for the legislation and the revised legislation.

My spouse and I are a little at odds over it. I see the decision as a very private one to be taken after consultation with one's family and physicians.

There is a group of people who do not support this legislation and seek to impose their beliefs on the majority, given a chance. The public support for the legislation is far too overwhelming for them to be successful.

 

[HI Bill]

Scrapr - Kudos for doing right by your wife. I cried when I got to the part about Little Cayman, as I'm a diver, and loved both Grand and Little Cayman. My mom passed in 2018 while on hospice care, and I didn't have to face doing the DwD thing. It takes strength and love to follow through when needed like you did. Sounds like you were a great husband. Take care, and enjoy your well-earned retirement. Try to move on, if you can.

 

[Scrapr]

Thank you Bill. It was all driven by Mrs Scrapr. We were together so long that we would see something that the other would think was funny & give each other a glance...and crack up laughing. As we were in the moment talking about "Little" she comes up with one of the workers names. This was 20 years later. He was mad because he did not get selected to give the island tour. The island is a mile long. Takes about 5-10 minutes. LOL I'm supposed to look him up and have him give me a (3 hour?) tour.

DwD is good for some and Hospice is right for others. After seeing her face at 3 in the morning gasping for air I could not do anything else but help her & her wishes

The other Widow(er)s will tell you the death changes you. You will never be the same person you were before. In my old neighborhood there was a widower that was about 80 & his wife had been gone for 19 years. He looked every bit of those 19 years. He was stoop shouldered & shuffled along. Nice enough guy but the life was out of him. I vowed I would not become "Al". So have done some work & reading & reflecting on who I am without L & what kind of life I want going forward. Chapter 2 seems to be on the horizon as I've met someone. I have had "moments" and she has helped me through. I will probably have moments for a long time

where do i pay Lucy 5 cents?

 

[Goldendoodlebug]

Scrapr thanks for sharing your story. It resonated with me on several levels.

First, you and your wife were both fortunate to be together to the end. Sadly my DW, who I loved to distraction, dumped me 11 yrs ago. Unlike you, I have not managed to find a new partner. I really miss being in a loving relationship. But at 65 with medical "issues" I'm afraid my chances are slim -- especially since I almost can't socialize during COVID.

Second, in 2019 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and lymphoma. The PC is no biggie; a relatively minor surgery treated it with projected 99% cure rate. The lymphoma is not so easy. It's the exact same form that killed my dad, and it wasn't a pleasant end. All online info (Mayo, Johns Hopkins, etc) indicated not much had changed, same barbaric treatments, median 2-3 yr survival. And it wouldn't be 2-3 pleasant years. So I started getting my affairs in order and looking into DwD options. We have legal DwD in Colorado, but only after you've been given 6 months to live. Not sure if I want to hang on that long if I know I'm on the way out, but at least I do have that option.

Thankfully, my oncologist told me the online info was outdated. Very recent drugs are working miraculously (so far), with almost zero side effects. The lymphoma is in remission, my doc says it should stay that way for a minimum of 3-5 years, and by that point there are newer/better drugs already in the pipeline. So I may not have to face the DwD decision any time soon.

Now if only I could find a partner to share my "golden" years...

GaryinCo,
My husband had lymphoma in 2003, he was 45. I read the statistics and it was really scary. There were a couple of new drugs used and he has been cancer-free since then. Please don’t give up hope. I believe survival rates are much improved for people with lymphoma.

I don’t know if you are aware, but there has been a class-action lawsuit against round up for people with lymphoma. Check on line several attorneys are involved and will walk you through the process.