EvrClrx311
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2012
- Messages
- 648
I'll start off by saying I don't desire to be single, and I'm sure I'll find a new wife soon, better able to identify what I really want in my life. I've learned a lot about myself in the last few months... and I know I have a lot more to process in this. Everyone has a story, and I'll try to keep this more facts than emotions. That said, I was dealt a pretty shitty hand with this one (some would say I chose a shitty hand, guess I can't argue that).
Another statistic of marrying too young. For sure.
The short of it:
I found out months ago that my wife of 8 years was in an emotional affair - for a period I rationalized this was a product of our youngest daughter having a medical condition - she spent a lot of time at the ICU in the first 6 months of her life and had open heart surgery. A few months after that I stopped suppressing my intuition about things and searched for answers to questions I'd always had about her unusual behavior. Found out there were 2 others, confronted her and she admitted to it all (she was juggling all three at one point none of them aware of each other), two of the three were physical and these affairs started while we were engaged - 10 years ago! So this isn't the 7 year itch. I found out not long after that that my wife has borderline personality disorder and a bit of narcissism. She's also on depression meds. I've been beating my head against the wall for years trying to understand why we weren't closer. I'm definitely a romantic... I would always do things or try to find more time for her and was pushed away. Told I couldn't fulfill her alone and that she needed space to do her own thing - so I found other things to do (coaching, hobbies, more work). I started to think marriage was more about commitment and in that department I was fooled. I started to equate love to doing everything I could to please her... codependency. Until a few months ago I thought I was just in a loveless marriage but that we worked well as a team. I knew my wife came from a broken home and her father cheated on her mother when she was young... she despised him and I thought that was a sign she'd never do the same. We have two daughters, 5 and 2.
I took my ring off 3 months ago... this all came to the surface 1 week after we moved into our dream home. A $850,000 place and we put $200,000 down on. I suddenly realized how shitty this marriage made me feel. I know I'm a great guy and when I started reconnecting with all of the friends that had been pushed out of my life I noticed something funny. I felt happy. Confident. Good about myself. My wife doesn't work... she is college educated but always desired to stay at home with the girls. I supported that thinking my daughters were getting a better childhood. I know now she took my 5 year old to meet these men at times... ugh.
Last week when we both sat down to tell the 5 year old we're separating... midway through explaining to her that "Daddy has two rooms... here and at grandmas and grandpas... and mommy has two rooms, here and." She spoke up "Mommy, like when you go with your boyfriend to the beach?" - (over the summer while I was away for work she took the girls to the beach about every weekend... this all prior to my knowledge of the affairs)... an epiphany in that moment was that despite any efforts on my part to hang in there for the girls. Pointless. My own 5 year old is learning behaviors from her mother. That fact that a child with such an innocent mind would equate going to the beach with mommy having a boyfriend there is just beyond wrong. I'm so glad they'll now at least grow up seeing half of a normal life. I'll hopefully show them what a respectful marriage/relationship is like.
Anyway... on to the financials. We are splitting everything and the house is being sold. Met with a realtor last week and it sounds like we can sell for slightly more than we bought it at... of course we'll lose about $40,000 to realtor fees.
401K is at about $250,000... she will be getting about $100,000 of that.
My salary has jumped significantly the last couple years. I made $201,000 last year. Crazy to make that much money and feel like we were living paycheck to paycheck. I see the silver lining in this all...
I'm about to leave this marriage with close to $100,000 cash from sale of the house. I'm moving in with my parents for a few months until I see where my ex (can I call her that yet?) moves so that I can find a place half way between there and my work. I'll also have my 401K cut down to about $150,000... but that's still good for a 31 year old. I'm going to increase my contributions significantly.
I'm feeling optimistic about controlling my own money for the first time since graduating college (we got married a month after graduation). A 6,500 square foot house seemed nice but only because I thought that would make my wife happy... it seems absurd to me now. I'm almost embarrassed at the idea we bought a place that large.
Tough road ahead protecting my girls from this all. Financially I can't help but think I'm going to be way better off. Despite the fact that I can take her to court filing fault for infidelity, I know that is a difficult and damaging road to go down. I've offered her 2 years of $2,000 a month spousal if she signs and makes this easy. A bit of leverage that our girls won't have to look up the court records and see what comes out if we go to litigation. Some are asking why I'm doing this... may be a losing battle but my hope is to focus on the girls and not make this a war between us. I desire to move past this and have a half decent relationship with the mother of my girls. The two of them need that. I've been reading a lot, and I know how damaging it can be on children to see their parents hating each other... they won't get that from my side.
Child support is around $1,400 until she starts working.
I suddenly feel like I'll have more money than I know what to do with from a monthly cash flow perspective. Planning to funnel it all into investments and beefing up the 401K.
Focus is on my girls from this point forward. I'm feeling good. Liberated for sure.
Another statistic of marrying too young. For sure.
The short of it:
I found out months ago that my wife of 8 years was in an emotional affair - for a period I rationalized this was a product of our youngest daughter having a medical condition - she spent a lot of time at the ICU in the first 6 months of her life and had open heart surgery. A few months after that I stopped suppressing my intuition about things and searched for answers to questions I'd always had about her unusual behavior. Found out there were 2 others, confronted her and she admitted to it all (she was juggling all three at one point none of them aware of each other), two of the three were physical and these affairs started while we were engaged - 10 years ago! So this isn't the 7 year itch. I found out not long after that that my wife has borderline personality disorder and a bit of narcissism. She's also on depression meds. I've been beating my head against the wall for years trying to understand why we weren't closer. I'm definitely a romantic... I would always do things or try to find more time for her and was pushed away. Told I couldn't fulfill her alone and that she needed space to do her own thing - so I found other things to do (coaching, hobbies, more work). I started to think marriage was more about commitment and in that department I was fooled. I started to equate love to doing everything I could to please her... codependency. Until a few months ago I thought I was just in a loveless marriage but that we worked well as a team. I knew my wife came from a broken home and her father cheated on her mother when she was young... she despised him and I thought that was a sign she'd never do the same. We have two daughters, 5 and 2.
I took my ring off 3 months ago... this all came to the surface 1 week after we moved into our dream home. A $850,000 place and we put $200,000 down on. I suddenly realized how shitty this marriage made me feel. I know I'm a great guy and when I started reconnecting with all of the friends that had been pushed out of my life I noticed something funny. I felt happy. Confident. Good about myself. My wife doesn't work... she is college educated but always desired to stay at home with the girls. I supported that thinking my daughters were getting a better childhood. I know now she took my 5 year old to meet these men at times... ugh.
Last week when we both sat down to tell the 5 year old we're separating... midway through explaining to her that "Daddy has two rooms... here and at grandmas and grandpas... and mommy has two rooms, here and." She spoke up "Mommy, like when you go with your boyfriend to the beach?" - (over the summer while I was away for work she took the girls to the beach about every weekend... this all prior to my knowledge of the affairs)... an epiphany in that moment was that despite any efforts on my part to hang in there for the girls. Pointless. My own 5 year old is learning behaviors from her mother. That fact that a child with such an innocent mind would equate going to the beach with mommy having a boyfriend there is just beyond wrong. I'm so glad they'll now at least grow up seeing half of a normal life. I'll hopefully show them what a respectful marriage/relationship is like.
Anyway... on to the financials. We are splitting everything and the house is being sold. Met with a realtor last week and it sounds like we can sell for slightly more than we bought it at... of course we'll lose about $40,000 to realtor fees.
401K is at about $250,000... she will be getting about $100,000 of that.
My salary has jumped significantly the last couple years. I made $201,000 last year. Crazy to make that much money and feel like we were living paycheck to paycheck. I see the silver lining in this all...
I'm about to leave this marriage with close to $100,000 cash from sale of the house. I'm moving in with my parents for a few months until I see where my ex (can I call her that yet?) moves so that I can find a place half way between there and my work. I'll also have my 401K cut down to about $150,000... but that's still good for a 31 year old. I'm going to increase my contributions significantly.
I'm feeling optimistic about controlling my own money for the first time since graduating college (we got married a month after graduation). A 6,500 square foot house seemed nice but only because I thought that would make my wife happy... it seems absurd to me now. I'm almost embarrassed at the idea we bought a place that large.
Tough road ahead protecting my girls from this all. Financially I can't help but think I'm going to be way better off. Despite the fact that I can take her to court filing fault for infidelity, I know that is a difficult and damaging road to go down. I've offered her 2 years of $2,000 a month spousal if she signs and makes this easy. A bit of leverage that our girls won't have to look up the court records and see what comes out if we go to litigation. Some are asking why I'm doing this... may be a losing battle but my hope is to focus on the girls and not make this a war between us. I desire to move past this and have a half decent relationship with the mother of my girls. The two of them need that. I've been reading a lot, and I know how damaging it can be on children to see their parents hating each other... they won't get that from my side.
Child support is around $1,400 until she starts working.
I suddenly feel like I'll have more money than I know what to do with from a monthly cash flow perspective. Planning to funnel it all into investments and beefing up the 401K.
Focus is on my girls from this point forward. I'm feeling good. Liberated for sure.
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