Driving Becoming Dangerous - What to Do?

[isisdave]

But back to the OP's situation:

What's Dad's problem? Is it a vision thing that can be fixed? Or too-slow reaction?

What about Dial-A-Ride or similar? I used that after knee surgery once and it wasn't too annoying ... plus I can see it would be a good source of social interaction if one used it regularly.

 

[habelsgtb]

We went through this with my dad after he continued to demonstrate dangerous decisions when driving. When he was in his mid 70s his car began having unexplained small dents as did the garage, other cars, parking lot signs. His reading ability also declined (and is near 0 at 82). The eye opener was when he was driving the family and ended up on the wrong side of the road. We talked to him about it but he was firm that he could drive just fine. His doctor in MA sent him to be evaluated but he refused because he knew he would fail. As a family we researched a way in which someone else would take his license away so they would take the blame. In Florida we sent a form (can be sent by anyone of concern) to have them require an evaluation by his PCP. Once the letter showed up and we read it to him it said that if he didn’t get an eval he would lose his license in 60 days automatically. My mom and I went with him for the cognitive eval with his PCP. It was sad because it was crystal clear he could not perform any of the tasks requested. Dad looked at me for answers but I wasn’t allowed to respond. The PCP sent in the form and then dad got a letter stating his license had been revoked. It’s been a year since and he hasn’t driven. My mom has picked up the local driving with longer distances done by family or friends. As a family we are grateful for this to finally be done and it is working ok. Check with your RMV for details. We also recommend support groups (Alzheimer’s for us). Good luck.

 

[gooddog]

How about you just tell him the facts? Are you more worried about hurting his feelings than some innocent kid getting killed? If he causes an accident, you are complicit at this point since you recognize the problem and do nothing about it. I know this is not warm and fuzzy, but you need to grow up.

 

[bzribee]

You've gotten lots of great responses, but I"ve not seen what my cousins did for my then 89 year old, VERY active aunt.


There were a few gradual steps but the final step was to order a Lyft for her whenever she had somewhere to go. They handled everything--she'd call them and they'd make the arrangements. She thought she was paying for the rides which gave her a continued sense of independence, though of course they paid themselves.


At some point my aunt wanted to arrange the rides herself so they got her an ipad and taught her only the most basic steps. She was determined to master the (cellular) ipad (and reinforcement was being able to Facetime with family overseas) and now, at 92 does all the arrangements herself (she doesn't know the credit card on file is theirs) and she always overtips so drivers are glad to pick her up, help her with groceries, so on.


She's very independent and proud of it, and still goes (pre-Covid) everywhere she needs to, and loves her iPad.

 

[ImThinkin2019]

But back to the OP's situation:

What's Dad's problem? Is it a vision thing that can be fixed? Or too-slow reaction?

What about Dial-A-Ride or similar? I used that after knee surgery once and it wasn't too annoying ... plus I can see it would be a good source of social interaction if one used it regularly.

Dad's problem is that he is increasingly unaware of his surroundings. Some recent examples include being in the left turn lane where there was a red arrow indicating he needed to stay stopped, but instead he ran the red arrow (from a full stop) and drove directly into the opposing left turn lane coming from the other direction. Then pulling over into the straight through lane without signaling. And often pulling into a highway from the entry ramp then dropping to 35 mph, because he's distracted.

Every time we are with them it's more and more scary. We are afraid he will have an accident before we can get them moved.

We don't think this can be fixed. We think it's decreasing mental ability.

He does not notice any problem with his driving. And it's central to his life. Very important for both of them.

Right now we're just waiting for them to sell their house and move into independent living, where there will be a van service plus meals in house. (Right now they go out for lunch every day.)

 

[habelsgtb]

How about you just tell him the facts? Are you more worried about hurting his feelings than some innocent kid getting killed? If he causes an accident, you are complicit at this point since you recognize the problem and do nothing about it. I know this is not warm and fuzzy, but you need to grow up.

I agree having these difficult conversations with parents is needed and ASAP so people do not die or are injured. We did that with my dad but he still wouldn’t listen. We eventually worked “the process” via the Florida DMV but that did take 2 months. In the interim we managed to do most of his driving.
Telling a person to “grow up” is not helpful.

 

[samcat]

In California family is permitted to anonymously report a member who is at risk of driving. I turned my dad in when he refused to give up driving while obviously suffering from the beginning of dementia. He would get lost, especially at night, and drive the wrong way. He was so stubborn he would wet himself rather than pull over and ask for directions or even call his cell phone for assist. I'd get calls from stores that were closing asking if I could come get him because he was lost and didn't know how to get home. Etc...
Anyways, the DMV sent him a letter and forms that it was time for him to take a road test and that if he didn't come in, his license was cancelled. Dad didn't take it well. He said screw them, he'd drive anyways. Didn't care if he had a legal license or not. So I disabled his car. I posted a note under the hood as well as to why. Dad called the AAA for a start assist. The person saw the note and called my number I left on it. I told him to tow it to my place. Dad was none the wiser; thinking the guy was towing to a repair shop. I told Dad that I would drive him when ever or where ever he needed. Again, not happy but also not aware I'm being the bad guy here. He would have disowned me had he figured this out. Every time we got in my car he would rant about how his car was stolen. He forgot it was towed. I went along. One day I get a call from a dealership. Dad's there wanting to buy a car. However, his driver license comes back invalid so they won't let him. He's throwing a fit of course, so I came down and picked him up. He insisted on going to the DMV for his test to get his license back so I took him. I told the DMV tester that if he doesn't already know Jesus, he maybe should get right with the Lord before taking this road test. It was enough for the guy to fail Dad in the parking lot. Ha!
I hated to do this to Dad, but would have hated more to have him or innocents hurt or worse because I didn't step up and do what needed to be done.

Thanks for this information. Californian here with an 84 year old mother who was recently diagnosed with early dementia. I've been thinking about this. Luckily dad is still alive and is doing okay though I can see his skills diminishing.

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

I just spotted this in the local newspaper's police blotter:

Nov. 19 12:45 a.m.— Officers were notified of a wrong-way driver on Highway 16. The driver was headed eastbound in the westbound lane. Police intercepted the driver and conducted a traffic stop. The elderly man told police he was going to a doctor’s appointment. Police had his daughter pick him up and had the vehicle removed.