Effect of different retirement timeline from spouse?

[thevagabond]

Hello ER Board,


I'm new, and was referred to ask my question here. I'm not sure this is the best spot.


That said, I am wondering if any of you have retired at very different times from your significant other? What were challenges? What made it work? What was terrible?



My situation is that my wife and I are workaholics. I work a job I'd love to leave and pursue new things. She has her own store she loves. We are both the same age in our mid-40's. We have done rather well financially. She is in better health than I.


Before FIRE was FIRE or any conception of understanding of marriage, I realized my best interests weren't going to pay the bills and instead opted for the safest, highest paying route. In this case...accounting.



From labor, I would generally make a bit more than my wife, but not tremendously so. Covid was tough on her business last year, but it also closed all of her competition, so she's suddenly having a banner year. On a net cash basis, she's going to pass me even as I have a record year as well.



She loves her store. She dropped down to 6 days a week about a decade ago to give us time, but she truly loves her store. Her customers love her. Her interest is fine clothes and looking good. It's her passion. In her store she confidently tells stories, jokes and shares gossip. Wheras at parties she tends to be a wallflower. I don't want to take that from her.



But at the same time, I'd like to do a whole lot of something else. I'm game for about anything that doesn't involve an unpicked boss, tight schedules and working on inefficient systems. She's given an initial ok...though she wants a few more years....but I want to ask...have any of you retired at vastly different times and it's been ok? Literally I could see her working another 15-20 years. Was there ever a sense of resentment on the non-working partner? Would love to hear some of what worked or didn't work.

 

[Lewis Clark]

My wife retired about 5 years before I did. She agreed to pick up my share of the household chores as long as I was still working full time. It worked for us.

 

[Morgan22]

My husband retired 3 years ago and took on all of the household chores. It's worked out great. I appreciate being able to just relax when I'm done with work for the day.

 

[rodi]

My dad retired about 5 years before my mom. He had a bucket list of items she had ZERO interest in, so they agreed he'd knock those off the list while she was still working. He also tackled deferred home improvements etc. He contributed more to the house chores (although she still did more domestic chores than him around the house even after he stepped up more.). When she retired they focused on the bucket list travel items that they were both interested in.

Conversely, my husband retired at age 62. I was 52 at the time. I was envious AND had some toxic workplace things happening. I retired a few months after he did. So his plans to have some retirement time while I worked didn't happen.

 

[braumeister]

It worked out great for us. I retired first; she retired nearly 15 years later.

It had nothing to do with money; she simply enjoyed the social aspects of her job. I was happy to take on the full time duties of housekeeping, shopping, cooking, pet care, etc. so that when she got home from w*rk there were no chores waiting for her.

In the meantime, I often took my own longer vacation trips, which didn't bother her a bit. Of course we also had our normal trips together when she was on vacation.

Bottom line, we both did what we wanted and neither of us ever had any thoughts of resentment or missing out.

 

[mystang52]

DW retired 6 years after I did. She is 9 months older than I am. She loved her teaching job, I was ready to pack it in, and she was fully supportive of my ER....and that included her knowing she HAD to keep working at least 4 years for our health insurance coverage.
It worked out well for us.

 

[Bamaman]

Sounds as if you're coming off a stressful career in a stressful industry--accounting. My uncle was managing partner of a 45 CPA firm, and he died at age 54. My father says it was the numbers that killed him.

If you're having some medical issues in your 40's, it would behoove you to ER and work on your health. With your experience, I'm sure something will come up that suits you better than the month to month business grind.

In the meantime, find some good hobbies to take your time.

 

[chassis]

@thevagabond Welcome to the board!

Hopefully your relationship contains a healthy and respectful valuation of each of your wants and needs. In this case it sounds like one of your wants is to retire. It may rise to the level of a need.

You need to own this in the relationship and represent yourself accordingly. Read about co-dependence, and avoid co-dependence. You need to do you.

The first time I used the "R" word (retirement) my spouse turned every color in the spectrum and became very agitated. After a more than a year of throwing the R-word around, she has become more comfortable with it.

You won't work forever. You shouldn't work until you die. You should do what you want to do, when you want to do it. Ideally, your relationship can embrace this and both of you will thrive.

 

[1242Vintage]

My lovely wife retired from teaching a few years before I retired.

She got more into her hobbies and had the quality time to spend and care for aging parents.

About the time she retired I took a promotion to run an office 500 miles away. I rented a beach-front condo (wife is a beach girl) and sometimes she flew down for the weekend and other weekends I flew home.

With the kids out and settled into their careers and parents cared for, that time was very good for our relationship. Every weekend was a carefree mini-honeymoon.

Then Covid came along, I sent all my employees home to work remotely, and I came back home and retired. Now we both are living the carefree retiree lifestyle. Life is good!

 

[pacergal]

DH retired about 5 months before I did, not too long. As others mentioned, he did the housework and had dinner ready when I got home. It made the last few months working more bearable for me--I could come home and relax!

If your wife wants to keep working and you have many interests/hobbies, etc to keep you busy, what are your concerns? Financially, it sounds like you are OK.

 

[ncbill]

Spouse will teach until she doesn't...I'm sure that'll be at least a decade from now.

Not sure if I should call my self retired or just unemployed.

 

[old medic]

I'm taking it that you haven't retired yet, and worried about how retiring will effect your relationship. Ask yourself, How is your job effecting it and your health? If you are financially secure enough to retire at your age, go for it and work on supporting your wife's business... because a happy wife is a happy life. Quitting the high stress job doesn't mean you can't get the workaholic fix doing something else part time.. ( One of thing my wife worries about with me retiring).
My DW has at least 5 more years before she crosses the finish line, so we plan on keeping things flexible, Plan camping trips around her schedule.

 

[Markola]

DW ended up semi-firing 3 years before me. Now we both work 15-20 hours a week. Both of those facts are our unintentional SORR mitigation strategy.

 

[Out of Steam]

These things don't always work as planned. My wife retired a year before me to prepare our house for sale and plan the relocation. She assumed she would not be working after retirement because of changes at her company. I had planned to retire, finish the Appalachian Trail, and return to work.

Through connecting with a relatively new manager at the company HQ, she is now working part-time from home, while I'm not working because my realistically-paying opportunities involve in-person work with high risk of COVID exposure.

Yes, there is some tension over allocating jobs at home.

 

[RetireeRobert]

My wife "retired" upon the birth of our first child. I retired early some seventeen years later. Never really any problems for us as far as the different retirement schedules were concerned. That was just our life and the way we lived it.

 

[Born2BRetd]

I retired a little over a year before my husband. The original intention was for both of us to retire at the same. However, poor health and a reorg in the future at work made me decide to retire sooner. My husband actively encouraged me to leave.

 

[Koolau]

DW retired a few years before I did. We got our kids very late in life - long story - so DW took the time to be a SAHM. By the time I FIRE'd, the last kid was in Sr. High. Then they were all in University, so DW and I departed for parts unknown (actually Hawaii.) It all worked out pretty well. There was no jealousy or money issues. DW seemed to enjoy her new "j*b." YMMV

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

My DW has yet to retire much to my disappointment. She still seems to enjoy her j*b, so there is that. It's not terrible, but I would be lying if I said I wish she would join me. I would type more, but I tried to cut off the tip of one of my typing fingers this afternoon so my replies will be short for a bit.

 

[travelover]

I retired 9 years before DW. She loved teaching 4th graders, I was burned out from MEGA. Biggest adjustment was when she also retired and we had to renegotiate roles. Until she retired, I took on most of the household chores and fixed dinner 5 days a week, which she absolutely loved.

Fortunately, she has adjusted to retired life and we enjoy much the same things. I was concerned that she'd miss the kids too much, but she'd had enough.

 

[Dtail]

We retired at the same time, but not sure if it would be a smooth process if we did not.

 

[Exchme]

I had been talking about retiring for two plus years but DW was afraid we didn't have enough (she grew up with little) and she insisted she wanted to keep working out of loyalty to her boss. I didn't want to be retired while she kept working, so I kept working though each day got harder and harder to slog through, especially as COVID slowdown caused my employer to slash staff and give 20 hours of pay for 30-40 hours work and other toxic behaviors

Then her office announced they were selling and moving, so her loyalty went out the window as she wanted no part of either. So we gave notice and retired within a few weeks of each other.

Turned out she was right, the takeover and move really messed with her former co-workers. I was right too, we had plenty saved and shortly after retiring, I had a series of health problems that seem to be behind me, but sent an all too real reminder that you don't get the time back.

 

[Koolau]

My DW has yet to retire much to my disappointment. She still seems to enjoy her j*b, so there is that. It's not terrible, but I would be lying if I said I wish she would join me. I would type more, but I tried to cut off the tip of one of my typing fingers this afternoon so my replies will be short for a bit.

So glad you "failed" in your attempt!

DW had no problems with me continuing on at Megacrop after she retired. I think she was concerned about finances, though she never showed any interest in the financial stuff I was doing.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

So glad you "failed" in your attempt!
.

You and me both! I bled like a stuck pig but the wound isn't too bad. I will say that those cutting blades on the Ninja blender are seriously sharp!!!

 

[jollystomper]

DW retired from teaching this year, 3 years after me. She was deliriously happy that I retired, especially since my travel schedule could have me away 50% of the time in streaks, sometimes on very short notice. For her, just knowing that I was somewhere in the house or out and about locally was a huge relief.

Seeing the flexibility I had (our vacations and trips now had to be scheduled around her commute and schedule now) was a big factor. The pandemic was a factor as well, Zoom (in full or combined) teaching at the high school and college level drove her nuts. After repeatedly assuring her that her income was not needed for our retirement, and that I not factored it into any of my retirement planning, she chose to make the leap.

She published a book this year, and has had to prepare and give talks and presentations related to it, so I kid her that she is not really "fully" retired yet...