Fire and Family

[Iggysmom]

Does anyone here help family members financially? Especially siblings or parents or cousins? If so, wondering about whether/how to do it without creating undue expectations/resentment on either side. I'm pretty financially comfortable, not ultra wealthy, and have a sibling who is going through a divorce w future money worries.... Would like to help, but worried about ramifications re our relationship.

 

[Souschef]

WE are blessed that our pensions and SS cover almost all our expenses. We have set up 529 accounts for our grandchildren for their education.
We use our RMD to gift money to our 4 sons, plus some QCD's for charity.
Our sons are not struggling, but these gifts are nice to have.

 

[brett]

We did help one sibling and spouse prior to his passing. One other may need help but it will not come from us. She does not respect money and would squander it immediately. No point in helping her before she helps herself. We have increased our charitable giving substantially.

All monies will flow down to our children and grandchildren.

 

[YakGrl]

I am currently supporting my Mother. It started small about 10 years ago and has been increasing to now I claim her as dependent and pay about 75% of her care.
I helped my sister up until her death. I paid her rent for several years as she was on SSDI. The last couple of years through multiple hospitalizations and rehab/assisted living I mostly fully supported her.
Both started with assistance with bills and housing and purchase of needed larger items and increased from there as needed.

 

[Sojourner]

I'm pretty financially comfortable, not ultra wealthy, and have a sibling who is going through a divorce w future money worries.... Would like to help, but worried about ramifications re our relationship.

If it were me, I probably would offer some degree of financial help to my sibling, but ONLY if I could be pretty sure that a) the help was truly necessary and wouldn't just end up being squandered, and b) that the relationship between us was so strong and solid that it would not be damaged if I didn't get paid back (assuming it's a loan and not just a gift). I have seen close friend/family relationships totally ruined over fairly small amounts of money in these kinds of situations, so tread very carefully.

 

[Aerides]

I'd have a couple of criteria:

1 - they asked (might just be semantics but that's not mentioned in your post). I would not just offer first, other than "if there's anything I can do do help" generic thing

2 - they have an acute temporary issue, not a pattern

3 - you know without hesitation they would help you if you needed and they could

4 - you can give, unconditionally, not loan. Even if they say "I'll pay you back" insist they don't. Because if they can't they might feel uncomfortable and start avoiding you.

Similarly, don't give if you then might get annoyed seeing them take a vacation or wearing new shoes next month or year. Don't give and then ask them how they are doing now, how is their bank account, what is their rent, etc. Give, give once, and then it never happened.

 

[RobbieB]

Putting my step son and step daughter through college. Helping (loan and investment) my brother in law start a new business.

 

[pjigar]

I'd have a couple of criteria:

1 - they asked (might just be semantics but that's not mentioned in your post). I would not just offer first, other than "if there's anything I can do do help" generic thing

2 - they have an acute temporary issue, not a pattern

3 - you know without hesitation they would help you if you needed and they could

4 - you can give, unconditionally, not loan. Even if they say "I'll pay you back" insist they don't. Because if they can't they might feel uncomfortable and start avoiding you.

Similarly, don't give if you then might get annoyed seeing them take a vacation or wearing new shoes next month or year. Don't give and then ask them how they are doing now, how is their bank account, what is their rent, etc. Give, give once, and then it never happened.

These were my steps too (more or less) when my cousin was in doodoo. Although I didn't know those were the steps I followed when we rescued him! He was literally considering a suicide as an alternative. He did not accept unconditional money since it was a large sum and he asked us for an interest free loan instead. He has paid over half of it back but I don't expect him to pay anything back and he knows that.

 

[tb001]

I'd have a couple of criteria:

1 - they asked (might just be semantics but that's not mentioned in your post). I would not just offer first, other than "if there's anything I can do do help" generic thing

2 - they have an acute temporary issue, not a pattern

3 - you know without hesitation they would help you if you needed and they could

4 - you can give, unconditionally, not loan. Even if they say "I'll pay you back" insist they don't. Because if they can't they might feel uncomfortable and start avoiding you.

Similarly, don't give if you then might get annoyed seeing them take a vacation or wearing new shoes next month or year. Don't give and then ask them how they are doing now, how is their bank account, what is their rent, etc. Give, give once, and then it never happened.

This is great advice. DH helped his sister multiple times with large sums to get them out of debt and back on their feet. He also paid for a money counselor and bought a house with the understanding that they would pay the mortgage. He ended up having to evict them after they were 60k behind in payments. It was a huge stress on the relationship. More so when I pointed out to him that they all had brand new macs, $300 sunglasses and shoes, new iPhones, with kids in private school etc... All stuff he agonized over spending on. I think they saw him as the uncle with no family who would just continue to spend.

My rules are gifts only, no loans. I’m worried my father is going to need help with ltc. We are in good shape financially, but made the decision to retire and any help we give him will be taking extra $ we don’t really have in the budget. His wife should have the resources, but I worry she’s going to ask.

 

[Iggysmom]

Thank you!

I'd have a couple of criteria:

1 - they asked (might just be semantics but that's not mentioned in your post). I would not just offer first, other than "if there's anything I can do do help" generic thing

2 - they have an acute temporary issue, not a pattern

3 - you know without hesitation they would help you if you needed and they could

4 - you can give, unconditionally, not loan. Even if they say "I'll pay you back" insist they don't. Because if they can't they might feel uncomfortable and start avoiding you.

Similarly, don't give if you then might get annoyed seeing them take a vacation or wearing new shoes next month or year. Don't give and then ask them how they are doing now, how is their bank account, what is their rent, etc. Give, give once, and then it never happened.

This seems like really wise advice. He hasn't asked, and it might be presumptuous of me to assume. I think I'll start w a general offer to help and see where it goes.

 

[Koolau]

We especially help the kids but others on occasion as well - not just family. Sometime anonymously. I'm trying to avoid the moniker "my rich uncle, Ko'olau." Still, it can be a good feeling to able to "help" as long as it doesn't come to be "expected" - or especially "resented" when refused. It can become a slippery slope if not played correctly.

I totally agree that one should never loan to friends or family. It ruins their memories. YMMV

 

[rk911]

Does anyone here help family members financially? Especially siblings or parents or cousins? If so, wondering about whether/how to do it without creating undue expectations/resentment on either side. I'm pretty financially comfortable, not ultra wealthy, and have a sibling who is going through a divorce w future money worries.... Would like to help, but worried about ramifications re our relationship.

i made my sister an auto loan many years ago which she repaid on time. we've given generous gifts to my nephew several times (graduation, marriage) as well to help out friends. when one of my best friends passed his wife could not pay for even a simple funeral so we made sure he had a proper sendoff. while the loan i made my sister worked out it could've soured our relationship. if ever faced with that situation again we'd make it a gift instead of a loan.

 

[Markola]

I just don’t do loans. Only gifts, based on the situation.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I helped my cousin paid off his mom's debt to California on her Medicaid estate look back when she died. I paid half of it to prevent interest payments, while he sold her property. He paid about 1/3 of that back after the house was sold. Most of her estate was tied up in a jointly owned orchard, which he inherited. More of it was paid through his share of the proceeds of the orchard, but I gifted the rest.

I gave money to my BIL when my sister kicked him out of the house after an argument and he needed some funds for legal fees and to live on in addition to his job. I also sent him an old laptop we weren't using. It's a long stupid story, but after 3 months he moved back in.

I'd probably have supported our parents if needed, but they did not need help. I wouldn't help siblings on an ongoing basis.

We've been gifting our son funds for his Roth IRA, and will help for big events if there are any.

DH's best friend loaned us money when we first got married, as we just about ran out before I started my residency. We paid him back within a few months. I had a friend who was stranded when a job in the Caribbean went south. I sent him and his girlfriend $500 to get them home. It took him many months but he paid it back. I told him he didn't have to, but he did.

 

[gayl]

Yes to this extent:
1. DS - 5k Roth on graduation, bailed him out of a bad marriage (court stated he pay 125% of income until she had her half home equity so 135k to her) but when he fell behind in his mortgage last March I cried 'broke' and he figured it out. He still owes me 55k of that 135k
2. DD - 10K deposit on home in 2015, 11k car in 2016, 2k brakes during pandemic
3. GS - 6k Roth, 1k towards new car (on UIB so couldn't get loan, he had the rest) in 2020
Then I got a small inheritance (10k) and passed it onto them. Then closed Bank of Mom. Never to siblings but I would have to my parents if they needed it. They didn't

 

[flyingaway]

Giving money to my parents annually, as a thank-you token for their raising me. Not because they need it.

 

[DrRoy]

Our family has helped the children of my DW's brother (who died early), to pay for college when they wanted to go. The second is graduating this month.

 

[gayl]

Define:

... sibling who is going through a divorce w future money worries.... Would like to help, but worried about ramifications re our relationship.

Does the person have limited earnings potential or is this a 1-and-done? Will this elevate the learning potential if that's it? (Cost to learn a marketable skill-set) Will this tilt the relationship? Probably either overtly or subliminally

 

[Dtail]

Not to siblings and it gets tricky with the 5 children between, as not one of them is financially well off at this time and it could end up being ongoing and to all of them.

 

[NYEXPAT]

Supporting MIL, paying operations for FIL, weddings for Daughter and two SIL's, subsidizing rent (12k/yr) for one SIL. If my YW tells me about anything else, I will update this thread!