Forgive debt or not?

[CincyDave]

As others have suggested I would do nothing. If she pays you fine, if not, no big deal. We leant DW's brother a couple hundred once. Never thought we'd see it. A couple years later he actually paid it back. We'd forgotten all about it and thought he had as well.

 

[respond2u]

OP here.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

As Keim pointed out, her recovery process is a complicating factor over the "just say nothing ever", which is my usual policy for gifting money to friends and family when they think are taking a loan from me.

I am going to tell her that she does not have to repay the loan and should consider it a gift. If she wants to return the gift, she should do so only as an act of joy--or better, pass it on to our child as rent repayment.

I don't know how to navigate the "hold her accountable" as a part of her recovery over "keep the worry hanging over her head", so I'm going to try to remove the worry and transfer her moral obligation to helping our child.

 

[Keim]

I like your approach

OP here.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

As Keim pointed out, her recovery process is a complicating factor over the "just say nothing ever", which is my usual policy for gifting money to friends and family when they think are taking a loan from me.

I am going to tell her that she does not have to repay the loan and should consider it a gift. If she wants to return the gift, she should do so only as an act of joy--or better, pass it on to our child as rent repayment.

I don't know how to navigate the "hold her accountable" as a part of her recovery over "keep the worry hanging over her head", so I'm going to try to remove the worry and transfer her moral obligation to helping our child.

 

[Dash man]

OP here.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

As Keim pointed out, her recovery process is a complicating factor over the "just say nothing ever", which is my usual policy for gifting money to friends and family when they think are taking a loan from me.

I am going to tell her that she does not have to repay the loan and should consider it a gift. If she wants to return the gift, she should do so only as an act of joy--or better, pass it on to our child as rent repayment.

I don't know how to navigate the "hold her accountable" as a part of her recovery over "keep the worry hanging over her head", so I'm going to try to remove the worry and transfer her moral obligation to helping our child.

Sounds like a wise decision.

 

[iloveyoga]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

Such good advice. I recently learned that it is not helpful to say "don't pay it back" that can cause unnecessary hard feelings.

 

[Humbooster]

I lent some money to a friend and left it to him to pay me back someday when he could. Then he bought a new truck and later showed up at my house on a brand new Harley, I asked him to pay me back. He did but is no longer in contact.

 

[Gumby]

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

-- William Shakespeare
Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3.


I have over the years given family members money; I have never lent to them. It's easier that way.

 

[MarieIG]

OP here.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

As Keim pointed out, her recovery process is a complicating factor over the "just say nothing ever", which is my usual policy for gifting money to friends and family when they think are taking a loan from me.

I am going to tell her that she does not have to repay the loan and should consider it a gift. If she wants to return the gift, she should do so only as an act of joy--or better, pass it on to our child as rent repayment.

I don't know how to navigate the "hold her accountable" as a part of her recovery over "keep the worry hanging over her head", so I'm going to try to remove the worry and transfer her moral obligation to helping our child.

Thank you for letting us know your decision - IMHO you're taking the high road.

 

[Koolau]

OP here.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

As Keim pointed out, her recovery process is a complicating factor over the "just say nothing ever", which is my usual policy for gifting money to friends and family when they think are taking a loan from me.

I am going to tell her that she does not have to repay the loan and should consider it a gift. If she wants to return the gift, she should do so only as an act of joy--or better, pass it on to our child as rent repayment.

I don't know how to navigate the "hold her accountable" as a part of her recovery over "keep the worry hanging over her head", so I'm going to try to remove the worry and transfer her moral obligation to helping our child.

Best solution so far - and it's YOUR idea.



I don't know what kind of relationship you wish to keep with your ex, but this seems to cover all the bases. She won't owe you and you have been magnanimous while still offering her a chance to "do the right thing" toward your shared son. Perfect. It's up to her what to do next, but you have preserved the relationship - such as it is. Best solution all around IMHO. Blessings and aloha to you and your family.

 

[Gallaher]

Mom, sister, brother, sister, nephew, all have borrowed or asked to borrow from me. I’ve never been paid back, ever not a penny.
So I just don’t lend (give) anymore.

Maybe just my dysfunctional family.
Perhaps I was adopted by wolves.

 

[Koolau]

Mom, sister, brother, sister, nephew, all have borrowed or asked to borrow from me. I’ve never been paid back, ever not a penny.
So I just don’t lend (give) anymore.

Maybe just my dysfunctional family.
Perhaps I was adopted by wolves.

I take no chances. I do NOT loan money to people I love. I may GIVE money, but never loan. It ruins people's memories.

 

[racy]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

+1

 

[Midpack]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

+1.

 

[mystang52]

OP here.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.



I am going to tell her that she does not have to repay the loan and should consider it a gift. If she wants to return the gift, she should do so only as an act of joy--or better, pass it on to our child as rent repayment.

I don't know how to navigate the "hold her accountable" as a part of her recovery over "keep the worry hanging over her head", so I'm going to try to remove the worry and transfer her moral obligation to helping our child.

If you intend to tell your ex the bolded sentence, I suggest not doing so. Forgive the debt, but without strings, be they subtle or not.

 

[Badger]

If you intend to tell your ex the bolded sentence, I suggest not doing so. Forgive the debt, but without strings, be they subtle or not.

I don't see any strings here. His ex wife has been sober for the past 2 years and was given a break the past year after a difficult year of getting her act together. The opportunity for her to use this experience to either pay the loan back or pass along this "gift" to help her son and repay his kindness would be another positive step for her recovery.
I would be interested in the OP posting how this works out after another year. Hoping for the best.

Cheers!

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I'd forgive and walk away.

My brother celebrates getting sober about every two or three months for the last 44 years. We forgive him a pile every time and he walks away until he needs more and blames us for his problems again (on facebook, we are awful people)

If I were you I'd forgive the current amount and say "that's all". This is coming from a chump who lets relativesn run over him.

 

[Lvus101]

Let it go

 

[Texas Proud]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

I am late to this thread and only started reading so do not know the end...


But +1 on this...

 

[kongmen]

... This is coming from a chump who lets relativesn run over him.

You can't save someone from themselves.

 

[Toddtheformeraccountant]

I second everyone's suggestion to forgive it. Be the better person, and she's the mother of your son. Though I'd make it clear that you're not in a position to lend money again.

 

[pacergal]

OP here.

Thank all of you for your thoughts and suggestions.

As Keim pointed out, her recovery process is a complicating factor over the "just say nothing ever", which is my usual policy for gifting money to friends and family when they think are taking a loan from me.

I am going to tell her that she does not have to repay the loan and should consider it a gift. If she wants to return the gift, she should do so only as an act of joy--or better, pass it on to our child as rent repayment.

I don't know how to navigate the "hold her accountable" as a part of her recovery over "keep the worry hanging over her head", so I'm going to try to remove the worry and transfer her moral obligation to helping our child.

Great decision. Only you know what will work best within your family structure.
Best wishes for your ex as she continues in her recovery. glad you were there to help her when she needed help moving forward.