Giving it all up to be with the old Mum

[HI Bill]

My childhood was difficult and was apart from my family a lot of the time since very young - so I really now feel a fierce need to be there and stand up as the son and look after my family.

Have you discussed your desire to help with your family? How receptive are they to the plan? My mom had late-stage dementia and resisted help on all fronts, even from her best friend in the end. The only help she really accepted was meals on wheels.

It wasn't pretty. She fired in-home care providers, and adult protective services eventually came in and removed the stove and oven knobs so she couldn't burn the house down. A few months later, she fell and broke her pelvis, ending up in the hospital, then rehab, then a memory care unit. She lasted a total of 6 weeks after the fall.

My suggestion would be to start the converstation, make sure the house is safe, and make sure the POA, financials, and medical POAs are in place. Then you can take the rest one step at a time.

Can you live your life for others and be happy? Sounds like you're trying to make up for something you never had.

 

[Lion Rock]

Rhodestine, I faced a somewhat similar situation. I live in Hong Kong and a major reason for my early retirement was my desire to spend more time with my elderly parents who live in the US.

I considered moving back to the US to be with my parents, who are in their late 70s and early 80s. Even though they are in relatively good health, I felt a strong need to spend more time with them, in particular since I have been living halfway around the world for more than 25 years.

Even though I retired nearly two years ago, I ultimately did not pull the trigger on the permanent move - for now it’s enough for me to fly back about three times a year and spend a few weeks with them in the US at a time. As much as I love my parents, 2-3 weeks per visit is the right amount of time before I go a bit stir-crazy - living with parents after not being with them for a long time is a massive change! For them, they want to be independent too without their son constantly in their hair. I would think again about a move if their health situation deteriorates, but right now I am not ready to make such a big location change yet.

You sound like you're not really ready to leave your life in SE Asia yet. I'd consider increasing your visits to the UK more often (if your job allows - although mine didn't), but in my view this would be dependent on the health situation of your mother and sister, and whether they have other support network nearby (other family members?) to help.

 

[Dd852]

Ha! I retired from Hong Kong but moved to the UK - a good half-way house to my mother in Connecticut. It takes about as long for me to get there as my sister in California. HK was a bit too far (but mostly the high real estate.costs drove me out)