Hard times --- Kids Moving Back In with Mom and Dad

[donheff]

This is the case in our family. My grandmother always lived with us. Actually, my grandmother and mom (one widowed, the other divorced) lived together in a house they both owned and when my parents got married, my Dad moved in. So, I grew up always having a grandmother living with us, which was very nice for me.

Another example is my cousin. When her mother died, her Dad came to live with her and her husband and four boys. He lived with them until he passed away many years later.

This seems to be very common, especially when the oldsters are deteriorating a bit or low on money. My parents lived with my oldest sister for several months each year and finally moved into an assisted living place. It is also common to live nearby, live with siblings, especially when not married, etc. I think what gets tongues wagging is the mooching aspect -- the boomerang kids that return home, never leave, and don't contribute to the overall enterprise.

 

[Texarkandy]

Mine says she's never! moving out - and she's only 13!

(I've been instructing her in the performance of various forms of yard work, lawn mowing, etc to discourage that sort of thinking )

 

[52andout]

There are many ways to make your kids move out.

Try coming to the dinner table in underwear. Make sure they are baggy and stained.

Ask if they want to join in the couple swap you are involved in when it will be held at your house. Slap your spouse on the bottom when you walk by and talk dirty.

Serve Bran Muffins for breakfast, bean soup for lunch and cabbage for dinner.

Take up playing the tuba and drums and start a band in your dining room. The best time to practice is Saturday morning at 8 am.

Organize all their belongings for them in their room.

Borrow their car and bring it back with no gas in it.

Use their bathroom and forget to flush the toilet.

Start singing to the radio. This works best when you don't know all the words and can't carry a tune.

 

[Moemg]

There are many ways to make your kids move out.

Try coming to the dinner table in underwear. Make sure they are baggy and stained.

Ask if they want to join in the couple swap you are involved in when it will be held at your house. Slap your spouse on the bottom when you walk by and talk dirty.

Serve Bran Muffins for breakfast, bean soup for lunch and cabbage for dinner.

Take up playing the tuba and drums and start a band in your dining room. The best time to practice is Saturday morning at 8 am.

Organize all their belongings for them in their room.

Borrow their car and bring it back with no gas in it.

Use their bathroom and forget to flush the toilet.

Start singing to the radio. This works best when you don't know all the words and can't carry a tune.

How about enforcing a curfew ?

 

[dumpster56]

Older children heading back home is an extension of the kindergarten mentality that so many of American boys have today, the stupid backwards baseball hats the too big pants the immaturity that oozes from every pore of there bodies. No they are failures, time to grow up, if it means working two or three jobs doing what you have to to make a life for yourself. Sorry time to pull up those baggy pants and be a man!

 

[armor99]

For some reason, most WASPs view these living arrangements in a negative way. Someone is either thought of as not growing up, or mooching, or driving someone crazy. It's like you turn eighteen and you're out and if you return it's viewed as a personal failure and a nuisance. I don't really understand this way of thinking. It's not that way in many other cultures. I wonder why it's so different and how it came to be this way.

I do not think this is a WASP mentality per say.... I believe it is an distinctly "American" value. America from the very beginning has valued rugged individualism. We did not build the western frontier by "playing it safe" at home. The idea that this is a country where even being born poor does not automatically mean you will remain poor for the rest of your life. But for that sort of change in someones life to occur, means that you will have to take risks, be responsible for yourself and your actions etc. The first big risk than any man or woman takes in life is actually leaving home. I would go so far to say that at least from a male perspective, you are not truly a "man" untill you can manage to live on your own, and support yourself.

 

[sarahsays]

I moved back in after I graduated from college. I had made an effort to graduate early (3 .5 years) and my parents offered me space in their house. After a while, as I started to look for places to live, they tried to get me to stay permanently!
I ended up staying about 6 months (left 3 months before my 22nd birthday) when I was able to find a roommate I liked and a place I could afford. I think my parents would've let me stay forever.

Now, the only time I'd consider moving back in would be if I sold my current place and hadn't closed on the next place. Even then I'd highly consider a hotel.

 

[Spanky]

Most kids move back to live with their parents because of financial reasons. It would be nice if the reason was that they want to be with them or to take care of them.

 

[Razor]

I moved back in after I graduated from college. I had made an effort to graduate early (3 .5 years) and my parents offered me space in their house. After a while, as I started to look for places to live, they tried to get me to stay permanently!
I ended up staying about 6 months (left 3 months before my 22nd birthday) when I was able to find a roommate I liked and a place I could afford. I think my parents would've let me stay forever.

Now, the only time I'd consider moving back in would be if I sold my current place and hadn't closed on the next place. Even then I'd highly consider a hotel.

I had the same kind of experience. After college my folks wanted me to stay for awhile and when I finally decided to move out my Dad tried to talk me into staying. I really got along great with my Pop.

 

[podey]

I moved back in with the folks after college for 10 months to save up $$ for an apartment rental in NYC. I think my parents would have let me stay forever, but also wanted me to get out and experience the world on my own. I am so grateful that I could do this because it really gave me a leg up financially. However, they did charge me rent, which is something I think every parent should do, no matter how nominal.

 

[zoey]

I do not think this is a WASP mentality per say.... I believe it is an distinctly "American" value. America from the very beginning has valued rugged individualism. We did not build the western frontier by "playing it safe" at home. The idea that this is a country where even being born poor does not automatically mean you will remain poor for the rest of your life. But for that sort of change in someones life to occur, means that you will have to take risks, be responsible for yourself and your actions etc. The first big risk than any man or woman takes in life is actually leaving home. I would go so far to say that at least from a male perspective, you are not truly a "man" untill you can manage to live on your own, and support yourself.

This "American" value you describe isn't one that all cultures in America can relate to. This tends to be a WASP view of what an American is. What makes a man "truly a man" may have nothing to do with living on his own. Instead it could be helping a sister, or brother get her/his education and taking care of his aging parents, or working in the family business. In many cultures it isn't to leave your family and go out on your own. That's why I said "WASP" and not "American" since America is not just one culture or race and we don't all have the same values. In my experience, what you describe is very WASP centric.

I was questioning why WASPs view family living together in such a negative light.

 

[megacorp-firee]

This "American" value you describe isn't one that all cultures in America can relate to. This tends to be a WASP view of what an American is. What makes a man "truly a man" may have nothing to do with living on his own. Instead it could be helping a sister, or brother get her/his education and taking care of his aging parents, or working in the family business. In many cultures it isn't to leave your family and go out on your own. That's why I said "WASP" and not "American" since America is not just one culture or race and we don't all have the same values. In my experience, what you describe is very WASP centric.

I was questioning why WASPs view family living together in such a negative light.

We had a earlier thread that was similiar to this one. There was some discussion of extended families and how that it was prevalent in immigrant and 1st generation families (from both Europe and Asia). This is especially true in the big metro areas where you have recent immigrants from all over the world.
IMO Zoey is correct, kicking the kids out and making them 'MEN', is a WASP viewpoint.

 

[youbet]

For some reason, most WASPs view these living arrangements in a negative way.

Gosh zoey, I can only base my comments on anecdotal observation, but I gotta say that among our acquaintances, feelings about extended family living arrangements don't seem to have a religious determination to them. I wonder why you call out Protestants as being negative towards combined family living arrangements as opposed to Cathoics or Jews? I just don't see that.

 

[Texarkandy]

.........
I was questioning why WASPs view family living together in such a negative light.

I would explain it this way (of course I am generalizing & stereotyping a bit) - it has nothing to do with "families living together",
"extended families" etc. American WASP culture has always had these things & they are not necessarily viewed in a "negative light" as you suggest.

However, American WASP culture highly values & assigns status to self-reliant "provider/producer" men. A man is not a man to be respected if he can't take care of (house, feed, clothe, educate) himself, his wife, & his children.

Children (esp. men) over the age of 30 living with their parents out of economic necessity are not considered to be self-reliant provider/producers. Inability or unwillingness to Provide/Produce, for whatever reason, is low-status and not worthy of respect.

This is how I was brought up & a view I still carry with me (& I'm not that old). However, I think WASP society is changing in many places & these values are not quite as prevalent as they once were. I do think these values still exist in much of "flyover" America though.

 

[zoey]

I would explain it this way (of course I am generalizing & stereotyping a bit) - it has nothing to do with "families living together",
"extended families" etc. American WASP culture has always had these things & they are not necessarily viewed in a "negative light" as you suggest.

However, American WASP culture highly values & assigns status to self-reliant "provider/producer" men. A man is not a man to be respected if he can't take care of (house, feed, clothe, educate) himself, his wife, & his children.

Children (esp. men) over the age of 30 living with their parents out of economic necessity are not considered to be self-reliant provider/producers. Inability or unwillingness to Provide/Produce, for whatever reason, is low-status and not worthy of respect.

This is how I was brought up & a view I still carry with me (& I'm not that old). However, I think WASP society is changing in many places & these values are not quite as prevalent as they once were. I do think these values still exist in much of "flyover" America though.

Texarkandy, thanks for the response to my question. I think you've summed it up. The value is placed on the man being a "self-reliant provider/producer."

What I noticed on this thread is that people are complaining about either living with family, or spending time with them during a visit and that's why I mentioned the "negative light". It's not my view, but the view of those on this thread and I'm just making an observation.

 

[youbet]

What I noticed on this thread is that people are complaining about either living with family, or spending time with them during a visit and that's why I mentioned the "negative light". It's not my view, but the view of those on this thread and I'm just making an observation.

But it was your view that Protestants feel negatively about adult children continuing to live with parents more so than members of other religions. At least you called out Protestants specifically and omitted other religions. Our acquaintances are a diverse bunch in regard to religion. Jews, Catholics, various non-Christian sects, antheists, agnostics and yes, even Protestants. We don't see much of a difference in regard to their feelings about having adult children return home. Most feel that it's OK while the child gets on his/her feet but that eventually the child should become capable of living independently.

 

[Brat]

Cultures that have extended family households typically develop mutually respectful relationships early in life. The children (even as adults) respect their parents and contribute to the family as they are able. Some children live in the family compound, but not all.

 

[d]

DD moved back home twice; once just after college and once during an employment "transition". it was at first a major adjustment for all, but did turn out quite well, and we were all grateful it worked out as it did. it was good to have her with us, and while i do enjoy the solitude, do miss having her around.

and now the other side of the coin: my 98yo mother is soon to be joining me. i sure hope this works okay. (i only half jest that she's only lived to that age because of her stubborness.) this could be a challenge!

 

[Brat]

my 98 yo mother is soon to be joining me. i sure hope this works okay. (i only half jest that she's only lived to that age because of her stubborness.) this could be a challenge!

Odd are she won't be with you long. Unless her needs are beyond your ability to provide, accommodate her flinty-ness during the time you have.