It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Chuckanut]

It's the year 2040 and former President Obama has died of old age.
He arrives at the Pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter. "We no longer assign people to heaven or hell, instead we give each person a 24 hour visit and then let them make their own choice." President Obama thinks this is a great idea and asks to visit hell first.

He is greeted by former presidents Clinton, Bush, and Nixon as well as Tony Blair and Silvio Berlusconi. They show him the luxury homes, the fancy golf course, the big cars, the private jet planes, the gourmet food, and he sees many, many beautiful women everywhere he turns. At the end of the 24 hours he is transported back to the Pearly Gates.

Next, with high expectations, he decides to check out heaven for 24 hours. In heaven he sees a lot of nice people, dressed in white, singing songs and just strolling about. They all live in modest homes that all look the same. He thinks it looks pretty boring.

At the end of the 24 hours in heaven Obama goes back to the Pearly Gates and tells St. Peter he chooses hell.

Upon returning to hell, he finds that is is hot, smelly and nasty. Clinton is breaking rocks and carrying them uphill, Nixon is shoveling sewage, Blair and Berlusconil are fighting of the meanest demons he ever laid eyes on.

Obama turns to Bush and asks "What happened? Everything was so perfect 2 days ago" Bush relies " That was the campaign season. And, the election was yesterday."

 

[Walt34]

From the "You can't make this stuff up" department, a true story from Howard County, MD:
A citizen brought a found 4-year-old child to a fire house, and in turn firefighters called a police officer. The responding officer, in interviewing the child, initially had difficulty eliciting much identifying information. Along the way the following conversation took place:

Officer: "What do you call your mommy?"

Child: "Mommy"

Officer: "What do you call your Daddy?"

Child: "Daddy"

Trying further, the officer asked "What does your daddy call your mommy?"

Child: "Lucinda-you-bitch".

 

[bruce1]

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
When you drink tequila over ice, your body does things that the mind
does not remember.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends

 

[Nuiloa]

'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

 

[Nuiloa]

Retirement fun

The parking ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a jerk. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a sh*t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Quebec sticker.


We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

​

 

[Nemo2]

Nymphomaniac Convention:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[brucethebroker]

A termite walks into a bar.
"Is the bartender here?" he says?
"Take a bite and find out!" says the drunk.

 

[redduck]

Ten years ago, Steve Jobs was alive, Bob Hope was alive and Johnny Cash was alive.

Now we’re outta jobs, outta hope and outta cash.​

So, it's very important that Andrew Luck (Stanford quarterback) doesn't even catch a cold.

 

[MikeD]

The Czech goes to the eye doctor for a vision exam.

"OK", the optometrist said to his Czech patient, "See the line on the
chart where it says, 'XKYLPJHCKQ'?"

The Czech says, "See it!? Hell, I was married to her!"

 

[ls99]

Polish couple arrived in the US. The decided to start a chicken farm.
They buy some chickens, then plant them feet first. Chickens died.
They buy some more chickens, plant them head first. Chickens died.

In frustration call the Polish embassy for help. After explaining the the situation, the embassy agricultural rep says: can you send us some soil samples?

 

[bruce1]

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

Have a great day...

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH ****" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND , AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."

 

[bruce1]

Shudder

 

[shaycool]

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and

sex with 2 people is a twosome.

Now I understand why they call you handsome!

 

[kevink]

"A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called — and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

"The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

"Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

"1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

"2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

"3. The dog was receiving 90 volts when the number was called.

"4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

"5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

"Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[TromboneAl]

One in three Americans weighs more than the other two combined.

 

[mickeyd]

 

[arebelspy]

Lottery Warning

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

 

[kevink]

I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year

 

[brewer12345]

I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year

That was hysterical! Sitting here laughing my head off...

 

[Meadbh]

I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year

OMG ROFL

I"m sticking with my Blackberry!

 

[Nodak]

The Supreme Court has just ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

[VaCollector]

I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year

Thank you! Funniest thing I've read in a looonnnnggg time!

 

[Walt34]

Payback:

 

[David1961]

Penn State Football Penalties

I saw this recently and had to share.

 

[Nodak]

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TOOLS

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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