It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[FIREmenow]

A bit late this week.....
------------------
A guy was driving past a southern farm in the country and saw a pig with only three legs. He decided he HAD to stop and find out why the pig only had three legs.

He knocked on the farmers door and asked him about the pig, and could he explain what happened?
The farmer said, "Boy - that ain't no ordinary pig you see there. That pig saved my family's lives in a fire 3 years ago. Came right into the house and woke us all up!"

WOW!, he said, that's wonderful! But why does the pig only have three legs?
The farmer said, "Well, son, on top of that, that there pig chased off an entire pack of wolves from my chicken house last year. I woulda' lost every one of them there chickens."

Sheez! That's really something! Still, what happened so that the pig only has three legs?
The farmer pressed on, "Well, you see, boy, that pig ain't no run-of the mill animal. He now has an honorary Bachelor's Degree from the local university!"

Impressive! But I really have to know - why does he have only three legs?
The farmer said, "My boy - when you've got a pig THAT special, you don't eat it all at once!"

 

[braumeister]

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says.

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story:

Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullsh!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[braumeister]

An oldie but a goodie:

Frank and Janet were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Janet suddenly noticed that Frank was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Janet asked, "Frank, where are you? You know that we have lots to do."

Frank said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Janet's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."

 

[Chuckanut]

The next time you are grocery shopping look for these fine products:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/adjective_foods.png

 

[MichaelB]

Just received this from a dear friend who's an attorney.
.
.

 

[Chuckanut]

Just received this from a dear friend who's an attorney.
.
.

My advice: Bill him for a minimum 30 minutes of your time figuring out the greeting at $250 an hour minimum.

 

[street]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man,

"Book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

[braumeister]

Cough
Rough
Through
Though

None of these words rhyme.

But for some unfathomable reason, Pony and Bologna do.

English is weird.

 

[Tailgate]

Ten Ways In Which You Know You Are Over the Hill


You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
'Getting lucky' means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

 

[braumeister]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Canadian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Malaysian, a Chinese, a Portuguese, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an African went to a night club...



The bouncer said: "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."

 

[FIREmenow]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Canadian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Malaysian, a Chinese, a Portuguese, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an African went to a night club...



The bouncer said: "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."

Awesome.

 

[Boss2014]

one of the best !!

 

[street]

Q: Is Google male or female?




A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

[Keim]

Q: Is Google male or female?




A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Male-it thinks it has all the answers.

 

[street]

LOL

 

[street]

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

 

[redduck]

I asked a friend what might be the best way to thwart a home invasion.

He suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells.

A few days later I sent him this picture and asked him how to make it all work.

I never heard from him again.

 

[Retire2017]

 

[mickeyd]

Bizarre Books (Real)




1. Mated With A Clown; 1884

2. Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995

3. The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619

4. My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971

5. Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950

6. The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book; 1982

7. Pernicious Pork; or, Astounding Revelations of the Evil
Effects of Eating Swine Flesh; 1903

8. Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment;
1887

9. 1587. A Year of No Importance; n.p.

10. Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926

 

[NW-Bound]

Cough
Rough
Through
Though

None of these words rhyme.

But for some unfathomable reason, Pony and Bologna do.

English is weird.

If you write Baloney instead of Bologna, would it seem less weird?

 

[Music Lover]

If you write Baloney instead of Bologna, would it seem less weird?

It depends on whether you are referring to the food, or to the BS:

Baloney vs. bologna

Bologna refers to a type of sausage made of finely ground meat that has been cooked and smoked. Baloney is nonsense. It is an early 20th-century American coinage derived from bologna. It may also be influenced by blarney, which in one of its definitions means nonsense or deceptive talk.

Baloney vs. bologna - Grammarist

 

[street]

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

“So tell me,” says the mechanic, “I’ve been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.”

“Yes?..” says the surgeon.

“Well look at this,” says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, “I check how it’s running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new. We basically do the same job don’t we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am – how do you explain that?”

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,”Try it with the engine running.”

 

[street]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

 

[braumeister]

Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

*THE RESPONSE

Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor.

*
THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife"** Technology hey?

Regards, Alan

 

[Music Lover]

A line from Drew Carey:

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.