It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Bestwifeever]

Hey, everyone but my wife thought it was funny!

Plus there are a *lot* of punchlines we all politely refrained from adding but that this story screamed for

 

[REWahoo]

Plus there are a *lot* of punchlines we all politely refrained from adding but that this story screamed for

I knew I was providing a fertile set-up environment when I posted it and I expected some would take a poke at it. But after 50 years of that story bouncing around our family there isn't much I haven't already heard - including the comments from the doc who did the surgery.

 

[W2R]

I knew I was providing a fertile set-up environment when I posted it and I expected some would take a poke at it. But after 50 years of that story bouncing around our family there isn't much I haven't already heard - including the comments from the doc who did the surgery.

I can just imagine!

I hope that sometime during those 50 years, you and your DW managed to arrange a second honeymoon since your original one turned out like that! If not, I'd suggest you could take her someplace romantic (Paris?) for a week, spend a [-]little[/-] lot of money, buy her some diamond jewelry, and have a great time that the two of you will always remember fondly.

 

[bjorn2bwild]

After breaking up with his imaginary girlfriend, the solipsist says "don't worry, it's all me".

 

[lwp2017]

Its funny joke Thursday!

Oh, one's quality of life depends on his/her many organs and body parts, some more important than others of course.

The only thing that is useless is the appendix. Even here, it does not help, but certainly can hurt your quality of life.

Of more use than the majority of our appendages & parts is a frequently verbally maligned orifice.

On rare occasion, my sweet bride has the need to use an expletive and refer to me as an “A-hole”.

I always thank her for the compliment, an A-hole being one one of the more useful parts of the body, without we would be full of sh*t.

At that point her eyes usually have become cold & narrow slits and you can see the daggers coming out while she contemplates existence without my continuously jovial presence.

I’ve filed jointly with her for the past 34 years by readily transitioning to the “Silence is Golden” strategy, which usually provides absolution for my digression.

 

[bjorn2bwild]

The icy village where you must remove your appendix to move in.

There’s a settlement in Antarctica with a school, a post office and a huddle of homes. It’s like other sub-zero villages, except for one thing: families must have surgery to move in.

BBC - Future - The icy village where you must remove your appendix

 

[NW-Bound]

Of more use than the majority of our appendages & parts is a frequently verbally maligned orifice.

On rare occasion, my sweet bride has the need to use an expletive and refer to me as an “A-hole”.

I always thank her for the compliment, an A-hole being one one of the more useful parts of the body, without we would be full of sh*t.

At that point her eyes usually have become cold & narrow slits and you can see the daggers coming out while she contemplates existence without my continuously jovial presence.

I’ve filed jointly with her for the past 34 years by readily transitioning to the “Silence is Golden” strategy, which usually provides absolution for my digression.

She apparently does not know about the plight of people who need to have an ostomy.




But back to jokes...


It was a cold, windy, and rainy evening. A baker was about to close his shop when a customer rushed through the door. His umbrella was blown inside out. His coat was rain-soaked. He was trembling while unwinding his scarf so he could speak.

"Two bagels, please", he told the baker.

The baker handed him a bag with the goods, and asked "Just two bagels?"

The man replied, "Yes, one for Beatrice, and one for me".

The baker wondered, "Beatrice is your wife?"

The man shrieked in exasperation, "Yes! Do you think my mother would send me out for bagels on a night like this?"

 

[gretah]

Joke posted a few days ago:

I'm sorry I slapped you but it seemed like you would never stop talking and I panicked.

Nice! Where'd you hear that?

Hi, Al

It was VERY hot for several days last month and I went to the mall to walk around in the air conditioned building.

There was a store that sold things like socks with sayings on them. They also had signs with sayings to put on your walls at home.

One of the signs had the joke on it and I burst out laughing in the store.

 

[frayne]

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.

He wanders through the thick jungle for days upon days, and it seems like his journey’s going to amount to nothing.

As he ventures deeper into it, his attention is drawn to something hanging overhead in the canopy and decides to take a closer look.

Suddenly, he falls into a trap, is knocked unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

“But you don’t understand!” he cries, “You can’t do this to me! I’m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!”

“Ah,” replies the tribesman, “Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!”

 

[Koogie]

What do you call female coriander ?
.
.
.
.
she-lantro

 

[gretah]

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very pretty brunette. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[KCGeezer]

Its funny joke Thursday!

.

 

[gretah]

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you read combined.

 

[ERD50]

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you read combined.

Or should I say: ---- ---- ---- ---- ...


DW didn't get it. But DD will be visiting this w/e, she is a math teacher with BS in math. She will be subjected to this.

-ERD50

 

[Alan]

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you read combined.

There are only 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

 

[aja8888]

Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

"Are – my – test – results - back....!"

 

[braumeister]

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.

Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel - you know how to fish!"

 

[Walt34]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

 

[Walt34]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!!"

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[NW-Bound]

Another joke from Isaac Asimov:


A young lady was having lunch alone in a restaurant. She could not help overhearing a heated discussion from a table nearby with 4 men.

The first one said "Just spell it the simplest way: W-O-O-M".

The second said "No, you dope. There's a B in it. W-O-O-M-B".

"You do not have enough letters", objected the third. "I think it ought to be spelled W-O-O-O-M-M-B".

The fourth man said "It's nonsense to have duplicate letters. Besides, it has an R in it. W-O-M-B-R".

The young lady could stand it no more. Having finished her lunch, she walked over to the men's table and said "Excuse me, gentlemen. If you consult the dictionary, you will find that the word is spelled W-O-M-B. That's all". And she walked away.

The men looked after her with astonishment.

One finally said "Do you suppose that she could be right?"

Another man said "How can she be? A young girl like that? I am sure that never in her life she has ever had a chance to hear an elephant fart".

 

[RetireBy90]

This is what all of us over 70+, some other ‘seniors’, and kids (south of 60) can expect to encounter!



This happened at an assisted living center.







The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.






She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.






An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.






She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.






When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.






A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The hospital receptionist said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

 

[Walt34]

[FONT=&quot]Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.

With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You've got to love this lawyer......

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our loan?"[/FONT]

 

[Walt34]

Not in English, but it doesn't have to be:

 

[calmloki]

^ Had a guy that worked for me that was pretty much like this employee. Randy was no kind of shy about working hard and could accomplish massive projects with will and brute effort. He was also the best apartment cleaner we've ever had, male or female. On the down side, if he was in a poor mood he broke tools - if things weren't well in Randy world I believe he could break the head of a sledgehammer. Bravo to you Randy - I hope you are doing well.

 

[numbercrunch]

Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

"Are – my – test – results - back....!"

Classic!