It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

While sipping his tequila at a restaurant in Mexico, the cowboy noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Dear Abby,



I am a crack dealer in Lexington who has recently been diagnosed as a

carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a nearby suburb and one

of my sisters, who lives in Cincinnati, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing marijuana

and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are

prostitutes.



I have two brothers. One is

currently serving a life sentence for murder and the other brother is

currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with

his three children.



I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who

lives in Atlanta and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and

look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to

be totally honest with her.



Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Texas Longhorn fan?



Signed,

Worried About My Reputation
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my baby daughter has red hair. She can't possibly
be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene
pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on
both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this, How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ATTENTION EARLY RETIREES:

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST POSTING TO SAY GOODBYE!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. In It was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said,

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

(stolen from craigslist)
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

img_449206_0_d95425de8d1a4791ad4773e34de22be2.gif
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Could Not wait till Thursday

Bruce

Some of these are truer than you think!

Jeff Foxworthy on Ontario:

If you consider it a sport to gather your
food by drilling
through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day
hoping that the food
will swim by,
you live in Ontario.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May,
you live in Ontario.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin
for six months out of
the year,
you live in Ontario.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line
curving around the middle of
his forehead, you live in Ontario.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at
the same time, you live in Ontario.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Ontarian :
1. "Vacation" means going South past London for the
weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more
than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same
day and then back again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter,
still winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of
a deer next to your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means London ...
11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to
frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than
your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you
forward them to all your Ontario friends
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ed_The_Gypsy said:
:LOL: As opposed to hitting more than one deer? Damn, them Ontarian deer are hard to kill!
Click to expand...
I think they're using firearms, not motor vehicles... the people, not the deer!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ed_The_Gypsy said:
Hey, Bruce1,

I have worked in Sarnia (and Buffalo, NY--not too different).

All of these are true!
Click to expand...

Yea they are. I live near Port Dover South of Hamilton on Lake Erie. Less snow than either Buffalo or Sarnia.

BRuce
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Well darn it, they must have had too many hits and changed the access level.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A farmer was showing off his farm to a city person. He was spending a lot of time on how great his pig was, how it had saved his life numerous times. The pig had once pulled him out from under a fallen tree, etc. The city guy noticed that the pig only had three legs and asked what had happened to it. The farmer replied, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

Mike D.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

"Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth: "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily: "Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! ... and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

half-gallon of 2% milk,
carton of eggs,
quart of orange juice,
head of romaine lettuce,
3 tomatoes
2 lb. can of coffee
1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly." :uglystupid:
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where yall from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied,

"... the balcony..."
 
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