Last chance words of wisdom for your kid on the day you drop them off at college...

[socca]

Never, ever, EVER let anyone or any organization abuse you. They will try.

Excellent advice. I would elaborate how American academia falls far short of the ideal. IMO, the free exercise of curiosity is humans at their best. Sadly, the academic system subordinates this drive to the rampant egotism associated with competition - the drive to be the best performer (or, at the very least, to avoid flunking out).

In my case, with a PhD father and MA mother, failure was never an option. However, the stress associated with testing largely ruined the college experience for me.

 

[ivinsfan]

A friend of mine teaches at the local community college and what I highlighted above are some of the biggest problems that she's noticed. She has had parents contact her about why junior didn't turn in their term paper, "had party to go to". She had a father that wanted her to text his daughter to remind her of upcoming assignments.
Ray, If you knew your son had a "writing" problem, shouldn't you/he have done something by now? If he's rarely applied himself, will this mean you'll have to be on top of him to work? Sounds like you'll have a lot of work to do this semester. Hope all goes well for both of you.

Sending a kid to school with a known deficit is kind of self-defeating. My niece despite being in honors math, couldn't test into college level course at the local CC. She really struggles with timed make it or break it tests. She also has anxiety disorders and was working herself in a lather worrying about fixing this. I suggested to her mother that perhaps a little bit of advance summer pre-college tutoring would help her. I.E. get a little bit ahead and gain some self confidence going into the CC. Good Idea sister said but never got any tutoring lined up. Long story short, my niece needed to pass 5 4 weeks blocks of math and after 2 solid years is stuck about halfway through, she flunks each session multiple times, beats herself up about being stupid and is just having a horrid college experience. Feels stupid starting her 3rd year at the CC and doesn't have any idea what to do next. Admittedly this is an extreme example, but if you know you kid struggles with something the time to help them is while they are still under your roof.

 

[Gumby]

I have no children, so you can discount my words accordingly. But I will tell you what I did last year when my neighbor's daughter went to college. She is a lovely girl who had been my leaf raking and lawn mowing assistant for her four years in high school. Personable and hardworking, but not entirely confident about going off to college. Her parents put on a graduation party for her, which the young wife and I attended. We gave her a check, of course, but I also gave her a compass -- the kind you take when you go hiking.

And I told her this: " It has been a long, long time since I went to college, but I clearly remember one thing. It was a time of making choices - choices as mundane as whether I'd go out with my friends or study for a test, and bigger life choices about what boundaries I was willing to set as far as personal behavior and about who I would give my heart to. A lot of times, I really wished that I could have something to help guide me, to make things clearer so that I could choose the right direction.

So, I'm giving you this compass, not so much for its practical uses, but as a reminder. When you get to point where you face one of these life choices and you're not sure which path to take, take it out and look at it. And let it tell you this one simple truth -- you already know the right way to go. For the past 18 years, with the help of your parents, your teachers and your pastors, you've been perfecting your decision making skills. You're pretty darned good at it by now. So just remember everyone here who loves you and your answer will come easily."

 

[Sanstar]

Same advice they grew up with: "Don't embarrass the family."

 

[brett]

It's too late by then. Tell them to take care of themselves.

The rest is either already with them or it never will be. Just let them be them, make their own mistakes, and move forward.

Time to let go. It's all over.

 

[rayinpenn]

Ray, If you knew your son had a "writing" problem, shouldn't you/he have done something by now? If he's rarely applied himself, will this mean you'll have to be on top of him to work? .

Trust me I've tried. I should put things in perspective. The kids a B - B+ student without trying. Apparently he has his sisters gift for math (Suma Cum, applied mathematics) and actually did better in HS then her. She actually opened a book. His writing problem I know too well as I suffered from it as too. He isn't a wordy guy by nature. He hasn't developed the knack to spin a tale or articulate at length on a subject.
I believe it is quite common.

The Mrs and I intend on maintaining a continuing dialogue with him to provide support and suggestions. Unfortunately it will still all be up to him to confide in us and to seek help at the learning center. I'll encourage both.

 

[mystang52]

Getting serious here. I had confidence (justified, as it turned out) in both of my children's academic abilities and work ethic. So I gave both simple but serious advice.
I told my daughter to be careful at parties, never let a drink (hopefully soft drink, but I knew better) leave her hand, and she always has a right to say no.
To my son, I gave similar advice with one addition: be careful with any girlfriends, and remember that at any point if she says no, make sure to stop.

 

[Bestwifeever]

To paraphrase a Far Side cartoon about people and dogs:

What we tell them: (random pearls of wisdom)
What they heard: "blah blah blah"

I think it's too late by the time they leave for college. Hopefully OP has been instilling good values and work ethic as he raised his son--not that that is any guarantee either. Good luck.

 

[GrayHare]

College can be your last relatively easy chance to establish life-long friendships, so choose wisely.

 

[Bamaman]

Words of Wisdom: "You're going to travel lighter next year." I just drove past our local university, and was surprised by all the "stuff" parents had in pickup trucks and U Haul trucks for their freshmen children moving into the dorms.

They don't need all that stuff. Any student should be limited to what they can put in the trunk of a car. After a semester, you're going to wonder where they can even buy clothes as bad as they're wearing.

And when your son goes away at 165 lbs. and comes home at Christmas weighing 210 lbs. it's two things--junk food and beer.

 

[Scuba]

I have no children, so you can discount my words accordingly. But I will tell you what I did last year when my neighbor's daughter went to college. She is a lovely girl who had been my leaf raking and lawn mowing assistant for her four years in high school. Personable and hardworking, but not entirely confident about going off to college. Her parents put on a graduation party for her, which the young wife and I attended. We gave her a check, of course, but I also gave her a compass -- the kind you take when you go hiking.



And I told her this: " It has been a long, long time since I went to college, but I clearly remember one thing. It was a time of making choices - choices as mundane as whether I'd go out with my friends or study for a test, and bigger life choices about what boundaries I was willing to set as far as personal behavior and about who I would give my heart to. A lot of times, I really wished that I could have something to help guide me, to make things clearer so that I could choose the right direction.



So, I'm giving you this compass, not so much for its practical uses, but as a reminder. When you get to point where you face one of these life choices and you're not sure which path to take, take it out and look at it. And let it tell you this one simple truth -- you already know the right way to go. For the past 18 years, with the help of your parents, your teachers and your pastors, you've been perfecting your decision making skills. You're pretty darned good at it by now. So just remember everyone here who loves you and your answer will come easily."

This is awesome advice!

 

[atmsmshr]

Just keep the dialogue going. (The key word is dialogue).

 

[rayinpenn]

They don't need all that stuff. Any student should be limited to what they can put in the trunk of a car. After a semester, you're going to wonder where they can even buy clothes as bad as they're wearing.

Gotta say his stuff easily fit in his/my old CRV - the bedding being the only bulky items.

 

[ivinsfan]

Words of Wisdom: "You're going to travel lighter next year." I just drove past our local university, and was surprised by all the "stuff" parents had in pickup trucks and U Haul trucks for their freshmen children moving into the dorms.

They don't need all that stuff. Any student should be limited to what they can put in the trunk of a car. After a semester, you're going to wonder where they can even buy clothes as bad as they're wearing.

And when your son goes away at 165 lbs. and comes home at Christmas weighing 210 lbs. it's two things--junk food and beer.

So true, it's funny how things change. In 1971 when I went to a school 2 and 1/2 hours away I lived in a 6 person 3 bedroom apartment on campus. Due to a complete lack of interest and support from my parents I hitched a ride with my BF from high school (who was my roommate) and her sister and BF. The four of us rode in a Mustang hatchback and ALL of our stuff fit into the hatch of the car.

I've done fine and have a happy 45 year marriage and wonderful daughters and GK's. Was able to ER at 57. But I've never forgotten that lack of support from my parents, they were married to each other at the time. My DM gave me the change jar from the kitchen and said "Goodbye see you over the holidays.

 

[kcowan]

I started this off talking about how it all fell on deaf ears... thats really not true. Every once in a while, one of my kids will say, remember when you told me this....

It's too late by then. Tell them to take care of themselves.

The rest is either already with them or it never will be. Just let them be them, make their own mistakes, and move forward.

Time to let go. It's all over.

College can be your last relatively easy chance to establish life-long friendships, so choose wisely.

These are all very true. The event merely provides an opportunity to reinforce prior imparted values.

 

[RAE]

About half of every college freshman class washes out and does not return. This has been replicated yearly since I went to college back in the Jurassic era.

The complexity of the coursework increases compared to high school, but that's not the biggest difficulty. What trips up most of the ones who don't make it is they don't know how to handle the independence.

Yep, exactly. Despite our best efforts to talk to my stepdaughter about this (on many occasions before she departed for college), it didn't stick. And this is not a kid who was a troublemaker during high school........she was basically an average student who did her homework, had some decent friends, etc.. But when she got to college, forget it..........skipped classes, too much partying, you know the rest. I won't tell you the whole sad story, but she did not last too long there, suffice it to say. I am not saying that your son/daughter's experience is going to be like ours, but that it happens. I am not sure that we could have done anything differently to prepare her for college.....she is just someone that has to make her own mistakes (sometimes over and over) before she learns from them.

 

[HappyMinimalist]

This has been my daily mantra and will probably be my parting words of wisdom when DD goes off to college in 3 years..

Look both ways before you cross!

 

[travelover]

I'd tell a son,"that's a downspout, not a compass".

 

[rayinpenn]

It will start today with a merciless 9AM class - I know what he's thinking "who in gods name schedules music at 9AM?" I think around 1 or so I'll text him: So what was being awake at 9AM like?

It is out of my hands - that doesn't mean I can't poke him a bit.

 

[someguy]

It will start today with a merciless 9AM class - I know what he's thinking "who in gods name schedules music at 9AM?" I think around 1 or so I'll text him: So what was being awake at 9AM like?

It is out of my hands - that doesn't mean I can't poke him a bit.

9AM?! Ha! Try 7am for 3-hour chem labs! (both ways uphill and in the snow, of course)

 

[ivinsfan]

It will start today with a merciless 9AM class - I know what he's thinking "who in gods name schedules music at 9AM?" I think around 1 or so I'll text him: So what was being awake at 9AM like?

It is out of my hands - that doesn't mean I can't poke him a bit.

Well hopefully he was awake before 9, one can hope I know more a few kids that scheduled all their classes around when started and not class content..and off the top of my hear these kids had a higher then usual drop out rate.

One of my daughters best buds from high school a dude, flunked out of the U of Minn because his roommate was a genius. Said roommate never had to study or even go to class most of the time and still got A's...buddy from HS joined in but he wasn't a genius and ended up flunking out....

 

[CaliKid]

5. Just graduating isn't enough you need good grades to land a job.

Yes, good grades are nice but in my opinion they are not as important as internships and being socially adept. In a few years I will encourage my child to get out of their shell as much as possible, be social, do public speaking, join Toastmasters, join a Greek letter organization, etc.... Plus, I will encourage internships starting in high school.

 

[ER Eddie]

I liked Gumby's advice. Or, as Polonius (?) said to Hamlet, "To thine own self be true." Of course, Hamlet spent the rest of the play indecisively obsessing about what his self wanted to do. So, like all advice, it's much simpler in the saying than the doing.

I would probably not offer unsolicited advice, just support them and express confidence in their abilities. How I've acted toward them will be what they really learn from, not any particular advice about what they should do/be.

Plus, I know I was pretty rebellious as a teenager, so any advice I give would probably be guarantee that my kid would go in the other direction.