Martha said:
So, those of you with children where both husbands and wives work, how is it working out?
I think it would be very tough for two parents that work long hours to raise their kids. I don't mean to be critical that they have children; I just don't know how they make it work without feeling like you are missing out on their lives.
It takes the whole freakin' village.
Our kid started childcare when she was six
weeks old-- as soon as Mom's military maternity leave was over. (Dads don't get military paternity leave.) Luckily we held off starting a family until we were both on shore duty so we could drop the kid off in the morning with a six-pack of fresh-squeezed and Mom could drop by, so to speak, at lunch. Good thing neither one of us was in shiftwork-- just extra hours (and weekends "as required").
Our daughter was six months old when we got the coveted call from the childcare center that they had an opening-- she could be with all the other kids! Unfortunately our kid caught a nasty case of chickenpox that first week, so we were out of both systems and at home for two weeks. Spouse got her week's break with no problem. My boss deemed me critical to the functioning of the entire Navy (or else he'd have to do my job) so his spouse stepped in to handle a couple days when he couldn't abide by my absence (or when she couldn't abide by his whining). Right there my mental scorecard said "You don't want to do this."
I remember being thrilled when DoD said it was OK for military parents to "occasionally" leave their kids at the center for more than 10 hours "as validated by the chain of command for the needs of the mission."
I remember a second mental check of "You don't want to do this" when I found myself arranging a medical evacuation for a submariner in the South China Sea on a tight schedule. Spouse was at sea for a couple weeks so when the call came at 10 PM, we shifted our entire command to my cubicle-- crib mattress, pillows, the entire baby support system. I spent the night either dozing with a baby or writing message traffic, sometimes both simultaneously. We pulled off the medevac about 4 AM (ruptured appendix, he recovered just fine) so I caught a couple hours' hedonistic snoozing and arose at 6 AM to get the kid to the childcare center to start the day. I was OK with everything until I met my boss' boss as I left the building with kid & ballast. His comment was "You need to get cleaned up and I need to see you as soon as you get back so we can brief the admiral." Yeah, and good morning to you, too, sir.
Compared to friends of ours we had it easy. They were both on sea duty and would have his or her grandparents stay with the kids for up to six or eight weeks at a time. (Their holiday letters were such marvels of professional & familial juggling that we've saved two of them for a decade as a reminder-- or a warning.) Another friend of ours was thrilled with a nanny who'd arrive at 5:30 AM, cook breakfast & dinner for the kids, stay until 6 PM, and occasionally stay until midnight if the workday wasn't going so well. And that friend was the commanding officer, with her spouse on sea duty.
Even near the end of my career, when I was at training commands and could control some of my schedule, I still dreaded being stuck in Pearl Harbor by traffic while my kid was waiting at the after-school program. The biggest relief of retirement was knowing that I'd be able to be in the kitchen baking cookies every school day for the rest of her years. Of course now our kid's a teenger who wouldn't be caught dead in the same time zone with us, but I'm sure that she'll gratefully thank us for "being there for her" someday!
And of course, every time reform is attempted, like a single payer system, the American Nurses Association throws in with the insurers and other leaches and blocks it.
