I'll never forget when I was on the journey to sobriety I had attended a few AA meetings. They didn't all resonate with me but one interaction did. One of the AA sponsers in the group took me up to the front pew of the church that was hosting them, he looked at me and asked me if I can remember the last time I had a single beer in my refrigerator or home. I couldn't...I told him it was usually a 6 pack, or nothing at all at which point I would go get more.
He turned and said "EXACTLY!" You are not the type of person that can have a single beer in the refrigerator. Because you would never want to drink just a single beer...you another, and another...and this is how you know you have a problem. He was right.
I was genuinely worried about my health (I do get anxiety, and alcohol is a natural depressant so it was a wild roller coaster combining he two).
I tried "forever" to just cut back. My DGF at the time was not impressed. She eventually left me, took all her stuff, the dog and moved out. Rock bottom I suppose. I called up my sister who specialized in finding resources for people in need, she got me the numbers of a few treatment center's or groups and I found one that was close to home.
After the initial assessment they made a plan for outpatient 5 nights a week. The weekends were tough at first but I just avoided the people and places that triggered me. I was in treatment with people beyond just alcohol abuse, but all sorts of substance abuse. One women had jaundice from drinking so much whine, I think she said she was on a box a day and at one point grabbed my shirt pleading for my help. It was too late for her as she already had liver disease. Another young man 18 yrs old was in for heroin addiction, and he made it 2 weeks in the program before he OD and died from his addiction. Another women was in the program who had rolled her mini-van with a group full of children that she was driving to a birthday party midday. Her actions probably still haunt her to this day. It was interesting watching her at first try to reconcile while not being able to admit she had a problem. Whereas I was like, lady you drove a group full of children including your own to a birthday party after you had been drinking...what part of 'problem' are you struggling to understand!
If anything I understood that many people had it worse than I, but it wasn't about them, I was there to get sober. And I did. I got my girlfriend back after a few months, she brought the dog home as well. I went on to marry her and we now have 3 beautiful children together.
Another moment was when a guest speaker came in and he started talking about how great his life was ever since he quit. I couldn't relate because I felt like my life was in the gutter and he was bragging about how much money he made, and his beautiful family and gorgeous wife...and I really wanted all of that too. I asked him if I could get his number after he spoke and he obliged and kinda quickly told me, you too can have all of what I have, it's not that hard, just need to stop drinking.
I had probably tried to cut-back or quit completely maybe 50 times or so, mentally setting rules and breaking them one after another. I won't drink during the week. I won't drink before noon. I will only have 2 or maybe 3 beers. I won't drink any hard liquor. I won't drink by myself. All of these rules which I kept breaking.
It took professional group therapy and seeing all the people way worse off, seeing what would or could happen if I continued down the path.
My old drinking buddy and maybe let's call him an acquaintance, just lost his GF to cardiac arrest, she was 32 years old. He was drunk when she was struggling, failed to realize the danger she was truly in, and when they went to bed the second time that night she never woke back up. She had a seizure and went into cardiac arrest and died in his arms.
I knew another person who lost his girlfriend after she tumbled down the stairs while intoxicated. Hit her head and died from blunt force trauma. I knew a guy who ran into a crowd of people near the bar after driving home drunk, he is serving 30 years in prison for killing one of them, and gravely injuring the other.
I wish I had never experienced or known most of these experiences but I did. Alcohol is the devil. It can be a good time, but damn it sure can be a bad one too.
The first month seemed so hard. I didn't think I could make it. The second got a little easier. After the year mark I was pretty proud. I think I collected an AA coin somewhere in there, but again wasn't too keen on the AA thing, mainly because so many people in the group relapsed. I read the big book (Alcoholics Anonymous) and it really resonated. At first, I was embarrassed to label myself an Alcoholic...now I embrace it. It's harder to quit then it is to start and I am proud of the hard and difficult things I've accomplished in life. Nothing great in life is easy.
I used Cannabis for another 10 yrs after I quit drinking and eventually gave that up as well. Surprisingly my anxiety seemed much easier to handle after stopping the THC. I still struggle with the smell of that in the 'legal' cities. I struggled to drive by the liquor stores for about a year or two.
Now I try to avoid any social settings with alcohol, or at least go a little out of my way to. But they are everywhere. Substance abuse is a bandaid for other personal issues. It is a genetic disease. Alcohol is poison. It can at first give the appearance of relieving some anxiety in social settings, but often times you might find yourself crying alone in a room later...or waking up the next day with some regrets. Maybe you broke a rule like I did, or maybe you mistreated someone you loved, or were ashamed that you didn't sustain from alcohol. The mind and brain is a funny thing.
I had zero savings when I quit drinking. Well, I had a little bit of money in a 401k, and I had somehow convinced pops to help with a downpayment on a townhome that was in his name. Now I own that townhome. And I am well on my way to owning my 3,100 sq ft home..its on a 15 yr note with 8 yrs left to go. I have tons of money socked away for my families future, in Roth, IRA, 401k, Broker, HSA and 529 accounts. Investing is my new addiction. I have a very addictive personality, it will never leave my being. I get into thing hard, sometimes I spend a little too much time, money or energy on them but I would never go back to the substance abuse. It wreaked havoc, slowed me down, blurred my vision, caused problems with my life and the relationships with the people I love. The late night drunken dials, the bad decisions, regrets. All of that has gone away, thanks to me committing to a sober life. It's the harder, more difficult path, but its a path worth taking.
I lost 50 needed lbs after I quit. I was fat, out of shape. Now I am the guy all the ladies (and some guys) stare at on the beach, 8pack abs etc. Well lately I gained a little bit back in my older age, not eating as healthy after my DS passed away, but I still got it.
Reach out if you want my advice. KG