You are probably right, and I certainly sympathize with your position. I've been there myself, but failed to solve it to our mutual satisfaction.
The word jumped out at me because in recent years I have tried to observe my speech, as well as I can before I say it. If I heard this one, I would expect cannon fire on the way.
It certainly never hurts to be mindful about word choice. I mean, with me calling the thread "requiring" spouse... and "letting" him do stuff, I can see how it might look. Fortunately, reality is much more pleasant than one might assume.
I wonder if this is one of those things you can let unfold through conversation with your spouse....
Anyway, we have a good (as far as I can tell) relationship and it is easy to be upfront about things. I didn't post here to get advice on how what we should decide or how the subject should be broached. Really just curious how others feel about it.
So this is not verbatim, but tidbits from a conversation:
Me: Do you think it is strange for SAHP to continue to stay at home once kids are in school? I was talking about this online today.
DH: Yes, I do. Which is strange because it wasn't so long ago, relatively, this was the norm. But I would have way too much time on my hands with both kids in school, IDK what people do all day long. It'd would be different if we lived 80 years ago and the stay at home spouse had a ton of housework to do. Personally, I'd rather be short on time to cook and clean and do something else productive...
Me: uncool, I don't want to not have time to cook/clean. Do you think it would be unfair if I didn't like my job (you know I go back and forth daily...) for you to not work when you could?
DH: Of course it would be unfair! I can't do nothing!
Me: But would it be unfair if I made you work at a job you didn't like and/or ask that you make a certain amount just so I could quit working earlier?
DH: Kinda. It's like when you are in college and you have to decide whether you are going do job A and make $ or do job B and make $$$. It's the same decision you have to make, except your not in college anymore.
Me: yeah, except if you decide to follow your passion and make less, that automatically requires me to make more to keep up with our expenses and financial goals. It has an impact on the family now.
DH: Yeah, that doesn't seem fair, either. It shouldn't be on you to save for our joint retirement.
Me: Well, do you think it would be unreasonable for us to decide that when kids are in school, and you have 30 extra hours a week, you'll have to create some measurable value?
DH: Oh, yeah, I think about that all the time, how much biz I would have to do to make a certain amount of money.
Me: Yeah, but you would need to consider the time you put in doing x, y, and z. Like if you pull in 3K working all those extra hours, should we say you should stop doing that and do something with a better yield? Would it be unreasonable to expect that you earn or otherwise provide value to the tune of say, 10K, with all that extra time?
DH: Yeah, I think that is totally reasonable. (laughing) Are you trying to fight with me? I don't think it's working.
Me: No, I really want to talk about this! But let me say this, then..
DH: uh oh.
Me: Would you be offended if I said "How long should I let you do this biz if it isn't making much money?"
DH: No, not at all. I mean, it's a good question. I don't know the answer, but people need to make tough decisions about running struggling businesses.
Me: I guess the actual question isn't what would be offensive. I said "let" on purpose, does that bother you?
DH: (laughs) no.
Me: Do you think I think I'm the boss because I make all the money?
DH: (scoffs) Of course not!
There you have it. A glimpse into our dinner conversation on the topic. Less the comments directed at our children to eat their dinners and superficially involve them in the conversation. The last bit, I just though I'd double check that I wasn't a delusional power hog.