Retirement ??

[albireo13]

So far we have not been charging rent. That will change soon.

 

[aja8888]

We had a few (3) of my wife's kids from her previous marriage move in with us while they were going thru divorces (3). And we had her granddaughter move in while in college and stay for 2 years. Her parents moved to Alaska for two years and she didn't want to go. That was fun!

My daughter moved in for a while when she was in college and now is married with a paid for house.

My dog lives with me now in my small house (wife passed away in December 2022). Maybe someday I will get lucky and die in my sleep and not have to move in with anyone. My dog will be taken care of as it is written in my will.

If that doesn't happen, maybe I'll get dementia and not know who I, or anyone else is, and end up somewhere new. Well, I guess everything would be new to me then.

But, yeah, during the "turbulent times" after my wife and I married (we both were divorcees), it was quite a lot of fun and an adventure revisiting "children at home again".

 

[street]

Just my 2¢ but I think it is the best thing to do for many reasons. However, it may be the norm these days but see issues with doing so. We all love our children and want the best for them, but I think trying to make everyone happy turns into failing.

Maybe for a noted time frame for an emergency stay but not having a time limit, is setting them up for the easy way out and not teaching.

 

[Koolau]

Just my 2¢ but I think it is the best thing to do for many reasons. However, it may be the norm these days but see issues with doing so. We all love our children and want the best for them, but I think trying to make everyone happy turns into failing.

Maybe for a noted time frame for an emergency stay but not having a time limit, is setting them up for the easy way out and not teaching.

I think this is very wise for most people.

In any case, there needs to be an up-front agreement about a lot of things if kids are going to move in: Time limit? Rent? Chores? Quiet time? Parking issues. Guests (romantic or otherwise.)? "Substances?" Other "rules?" etc.

Better to get it all out in the open before it gets complicated. YMMV

 

[Car-Guy]

I think this is very wise for most people.

In any case, there needs to be an up-front agreement about a lot of things if kids are going to move in: Time limit? Rent? Chores? Quiet time? Parking issues. Guests (romantic or otherwise.)? "Substances?" Other "rules?" etc.

Better to get it all out in the open before it gets complicated. YMMV

And what happens when they inevitably violate the rules/agreement(s)? Throw them out? Fine them? Scream and shout? Give them a break, once, twice, three times, etc?

I'm sure some of that will work.

 

[aaronc879]

With housing costs rising faster than salaries, multigenerational families/homes will become more and more common, or the norm.

Yup. My next door neighbors have 4 generations living in the house including the 2 year old.

 

[anothercog]

We fully expect our kids to move back with us after college. There are plenty of high paying jobs where we live but housing costs are astronomical. You hear plenty of stories of engineers earning over $200k but living in their car.

We are fine with it so long as they dog sit so we can travel. they'll probably have the house to themselves for over half the year. I'll likely charge them something to offset our taxes.

My rule is that they need to be saving at least half their income. If they are off spending like drunken sailors they can live at sea.

 

[W2R]

I only have one daughter, and she is married and living with her husband.

When she was growing up, we made it very clear to her that she was expected to get a job and move out as soon as she was done with school. So, that's what she did.

 

[Gumby]

I left my parents' house 3 weeks after I graduated from high school and never again lived within 600 miles of them. But, then, it's not as if I had any other choice.

 

[rodi]

I can see all sides of this.

When FIL broke his hip and had brain damage during the hip surgery, it became hard for MIL to take care of him in their old row home. We built a granny flat in the back part of our yard.. Everything handicap accessible, ramps, roll in shower, etc. MIL didn't like living in California - so they only lived in it 6mos a year for about 6-7 years. (We've subsequently rented it out and it is part of our income stream.) It was detached, with a private (fence separating) walkway - further away from our house than our neighbors on either side. But close enough we could help if FIL fell, or MIL needed help. And my kids got to learn the wonders of having an Italian grandmother make them dinner and snacks.

When older son bombed out of college, right as covid hit, he moved home. He finished up the semester and we gave him options: 1) Go to school full time at the local community college. If grades were good, we'd give a stipend. 2) Get a full time job, pay a small rent ($200/month). 3) a combination of 1 and 2 (part time school, part time work.). Rules were: he couldn't hide in his room, had to interact with us occasionally (family dinner satisfied this.). Had specific chores each week - including help with meal prep and clean up. No friends (male or female) upstairs, and no drinking/smoking/drugs of any kind. If he was going to stay overnight at friends he had to let us know so we didn't worry. He moved out about 6 months later... a few months after that started back at the community college where he was living, and when covered tuition/fees/books... when he went full time, we gave him some money towards rent, but he still had to work. I have friends who thought we were way too tough. But he's graduating with his associates next month, and starting as a transfer student at UC Berkeley in the fall as a math major.

I moved out 2 weeks after I turned 18. Took a wandering path towards college. Moved home for what was going to be 6 months after a bad roommate situation while I was studying engineering. That was a disaster for everyone involved. It was negotiated that I move back out after 3 months... we were all miserable. My dad and I talked about it later - he considers it a success because he wanted me to stand on my own two feet.

We have a nephew and a niece (different in-law parents) who are at home. Nephew is in his 40's and hasn't had a job in over 10 years. Probably has mental health issues that he refuses treatment over. He has a PhD and used to teach. He's been married and divorced. Everyone in the family, including his siblings, wonder what will happen to him when his parents (in their 70s) pass. The niece is in her mid-30's and on the spectrum but super high functioning. She did well in college, but is having a real problem launching. Her parents are working hard on building her up to live in a small apartment near them... but she's not there yet.

It's never black and white... families have to do what they have to do.

 

[Walt34]

I left my parents' house 3 weeks after I graduated from high school and never again lived within 600 miles of them. But, then, it's not as if I had any other choice.

I knew one guy in high school who's father told him upon graduation "You have two weeks to move out". This was in a middle-class area so not like they were strapped for money. I thought that was pretty harsh. Like you, he went in the Navy. Unlike you, it wasn't the Naval Academy. I haven't seen or heard of him since.

 

[pb4uski]

My fiance's oldest son just moved in with us. Hoping it will be less than a year. We are charging him 1k monthly to have some skin in the game and no thoughts of giving him the monies at the end.
He is not causing issues for us.

When DS lived with us many years ago we charged him rent and a portion of his rent when into the "DS Freedom Fund" that we agree that he would get that money when he moved out. As the months went by and the Freedom Fund grew the amount that he would receive when he moved out became increasing alluring and was helpful with deposit, first month rent, etc. I kept a spreadsheet and would print out a "statement" for him every so often as a reminder of what would be available to him to help with financial aspects of the move. overall, iworked out well.

 

[Dtail]

When DS lived with us many years ago we charged him rent and a portion of his rent when into the "DS Freedom Fund" that we agree that he would get that money when he moved out. As the months went by and the Freedom Fund grew the amount that he would receive when he moved out became increasing alluring and was helpful with deposit, first month rent, etc. I kept a spreadsheet and would print out a "statement" for him every so often as a reminder of what would be available to him to help with financial aspects of the move. overall, iworked out well.

I hear ya PB.
One decent difference IIRC is that her son is 42 years old vs. your DS being younger. So concerns that I would not have if he just graduated college (no college degree), I do have with him, even though there are no issues personality wise.

 

[Koolau]

And what happens when they inevitably violate the rules/agreement(s)? Throw them out? Fine them? Scream and shout? Give them a break, once, twice, three times, etc?

I'm sure some of that will work.

I would like to think you know your kids well enough to know if they will follow the rules they agree to. If we didn't figure that out in the 18+ years they lived under our roof, maybe it's better not to invite them back into our home - but YMMV.

 

[street]

I would like to think you know your kids well enough to know if they will follow the rules they agree to. If we didn't figure that out in the 18+ years they lived under our roof, maybe it's better not to invite them back into our home - but YMMV.

I agree with that discipline, if they can't follow rules than yes there is consequences, that is how life is in the real world. The sooner a young person gets that, the easier the road to life is.

 

[marko]

Just my 2¢ but I think it is the best thing to do for many reasons. However, it may be the norm these days but see issues with doing so. We all love our children and want the best for them, but I think trying to make everyone happy turns into failing.

Maybe for a noted time frame for an emergency stay but not having a time limit, is setting them up for the easy way out and not teaching.

+1. Tough love is often the best love.

 

[tulak]

Interesting discussion. I moved out, for the most part, when I was 18. I guess I lived a few months at home after returning from Europe, before I found a job and moved out permanently.

I’m all for supporting kids, as long as they have a plan. It’s tough out there, especially in our HCOL area. Even rentals are expensive and competitive. They’ll be ok, but sometimes I wonder if they’d be better off relocating to somewhere cheaper. But we like it here and it would be nice if they could stay in this area.

 

[Surewhitey]

We let the kids (after 1 year marriage) take care of the house when we moved to Cali. We had 1 year to let megacorp pay closing costs which we did eventually.

They paid taxes, insurance and utilities @$700 IIRC. They then took us up to finance their first home @~$95k. They then moved up to a $180k home which we financed as well. They're on their own now with 2 kiddos. I like to think they'll treat them the same eventually. We never had an issue with any of the loans over a 15 years period.

We all want our kids to succeed and we're glad to help them.

 

[street]

We let the kids (after 1 year marriage) take care of the house when we moved to Cali. We had 1 year to let megacorp pay closing costs which we did eventually.

They paid taxes, insurance and utilities @$700 IIRC. They then took us up to finance their first home @~$95k. They then moved up to a $180k home which we financed as well. They're on their own now with 2 kiddos. I like to think they'll treat them the same eventually. We never had an issue with any of the loans over a 15 years period.

We all want our kids to succeed and we're glad to help them.

That is the way it is supposed to be. Great Job on bringing them up to be responsible.

 

[Act2]

Lived with my parents the summer between 1st and 2nd year of college and then never again. Loved my parents but it was time to go be an adult. They weren’t quite ready to let me go. I’ve seen it work well and also not; families are all different.

 

[Surewhitey]

That is the way it is supposed to be. Great Job on bringing them up to be responsible.

Pretty sure I was ~10%, DW did the heavy lifting.

 

[Patience]

Did not read all the replies.

It's called multigenerational living. It is the norm in other cultures and is becoming common in the US.

Absolutely do it. Everyone contributes financially and as a household, raising grandkids within your own village benefits everyone and there are cost savings to shared expenses.

Highly recommend. It's part of our retirement plan.

 

[folivier]

On a lighter note just make their room a "naked room" after they move out.

 

[5Miler]

I left home at 18 in 1972 joining the Air Force the end of February after the Feb 2 draft lottery awarded me number 39. I had just been laid off from a job as an apprentice electrician so decided not to wait around for an draft notice the next year. Never lived at home again or within 500 miles of home.

My younger brother and sister on the other hand, lived with my mother off and on until their late 30s as they couldn't seem to land on their feet until then.

In later years, I moved my mother in with me in 1992 after she retired until she passed in 2012, just over 20 years. My mother didn't have much in the way of retirement savings, about $100K, due to supporting my siblings and her grandchildren from my sister. She still had that $100K when she passed.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Did not read all the replies.

It's called multigenerational living. It is the norm in other cultures and is becoming common in the US.

Absolutely do it. Everyone contributes financially and as a household, raising grandkids within your own village benefits everyone and there are cost savings to shared expenses.

Highly recommend. It's part of our retirement plan.

Personally I don’t think it’s healthy for the young couple. They need privacy in order to build a strong marriage. I can’t imagine as grandparents being subject to the noisy household with kids. Now if each family has their private living quarters in one big house then that’s a different story.