Sex After Retirement?

Go Morris! Although I'm just a kid at 67 I certainly hope there is some spark left if I make it to that age. I certainly don't see it as going off the rails. I'm sure it would be very "nice" if we just roll over and die but the hell with that.
 
MichaelB said:
This topic does lend itself to a certain amount of high school level braggado and maturity. Seriously, though, someone wise once wrote that a relationship is like a garden, it requires continuous nurturing and pruning to keep the weeds out and allow the flowers to grow. Maybe you need to set some time aside to spend with and focus on each other, forget the outside world for a while and enjoy each other's company.
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Yes, the garden does need constant pruning. Thank God my dear GF never will allow a weed to grow in the garden.
 
Capwest28 said:
He is not retired yet, but I do not see retirement changing anything. When you add prostate issues, impotence and a fondness for porn on his side=no sex in my marriage. We sleep in separate beds due to his snoring. That is about it. He is 59 and I am 62. I'm very sad about all of it but I have zero interest in a man who likes to look at other women instead of his wife. He does not want to discuss the issues.
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I am trying to understand here. Are you saying that you would like some sex, but that your husband's interest in pornography means that he is ineligible to be your partner while his interest in porn continues?

This sounds like a hard, painful dilemma for you, and likely for him also.

Ha
 
Midday sex, esp after having lunch together, is a nice post-retirement improvement.
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When I was working in an office, we referred to that as a "Nooner", now I take a nap after lunch.
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Still do!
 
haha said:
I am trying to understand here. Are you saying that you would like some sex, but that your husband's interest in pornography means that he is ineligible to be your partner while his interest in porn continues?

This sounds like a hard, painful dilemma for you, and likely for him also.

Ha
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Sounds like a sad situation but I'd venture to guess there is much more at play here. Just saying, and there are always two sides to every story.
 
haha said:
I am trying to understand here. Are you saying that you would like some sex, but that your husband's interest in pornography means that he is ineligible to be your partner while his interest in porn continues?

This sounds like a hard, painful dilemma for you, and likely for him also.

Ha
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I have a number of friends with prostate problems, and this just requires a new flexibility between partners to continue a form of mutual satisfaction. Two of them had their prostate removed.
 
We all age differently, and what's more, every person's ability and willingness to adapt to change - whether in themselves, or in their partner - is different. So it goes.
 
Capwest: when men are having issues I think they can turn to porn to try to get it up instead of their partner only because it is more exciting. My DH started to have issues at 49 and that is when we discovered he had prostate cancer. It has been a difficult 10 years but we keep working at it together. We had a young urologist that prescribed things that failed like pills, etc. At one point he asked us if we really wanted to have sex at our age. I was really mad and we switched to one in the practice that was our age. He prescribed shots and this is really trial and error. Too little does not work and too much gets you a trip to the ER for a not so fun procedure. We are finally at a point that we can have sex again. However, it can never be spontaneous but that is fine. I think it is important to keep that part of the relationship going if possible. I don't see looking at porn as cheating but merely needing extra excitement to make things happen and if used as foreplay for him it could benefit you in the end.
 
Teacher Terry said:
when men are having issues I think they can turn to porn to try to get it up instead of their partner only because it is more exciting. I don't see looking at porn as cheating but merely needing extra excitement
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I was hesitant to respond to capwest, but I partially agree with what Terry mentioned.

First, everyone has their up's and down's sexually. Sometimes it's emotional, sometimes it's physical, other times there doesn't seem to be a reason for it.

I'm a man. A few years ago I went through a period lasting several months or longer where I just had no interest in sex. I was in good shape, happy, healthy, and in love with my wife. I could get erections just fine, but I just wasn't interested in sex. I had my testosterone levels checked at the doctor, they were fine. I started taking herbal medications that were supposed to boost libido, but they did nothing. Then one day my drive returned just as mysteriously as it had gone away. I'll probably never know what caused it, but my wife and I were both much happier. :)

Advance a few years and now it's my wife's turn. She always had a strong libido, but a year or two after her hysterectomy her drive has dropped to almost nothing. Intense work stress and family obligations haven't helped. We've had some real down times sexually the last year or two, but thankfully we are currently on an uptick again and having lots of fun. :)

As for the porn, I know some women are really offended by that. Obviously, if it becomes an addiction that comes between a couple it's a problem, the same as alcohol, drugs, or gambling might be. But in general I think men are just wired for visual stimulation. It doesn't mean his partner is lacking in any way, or that he loves her any less. If he still shows you he loves you and isn't sneaking around with someone else, I wouldn't take it personally.

Especially in a long term relationship, it can be difficult to get much variety. I love pizza, but if I had to eat pizza every day I would probably lose interest. Same goes for sex. I like trying new things, having sex in places other than our bedroom, etc. Unfortunately, with a daily routine it can be difficult to find the time or motivation to try new things. It doesn't matter how beautiful my wife is, or how much we are in love, after 30+ years of sex together there's still a certain "been there done that". I don't put as much effort into romancing her as I used to, and she doesn't put as much effort into being stimulating for me. So it can take work to find new ways to excite each other again. Be creative.

Keep in mind there are many ways to have fun sexually without intercourse, especially if there are physical limitations. Try getting out of the routine and do something different, oral, masturbation (on him or for him to watch), etc. Maybe try watching porn with him and "taking advantage" of whatever stimulation he finds from it. :) If you are adventurous, make your own porn for him, or be his own personal porn star after learning what he finds stimulating. Note: your idea of sexy may be different than what he thinks is sexy. Men don't talk much, so watching porn with him may give you a bit of insight. Also, preferences change. Something that turned him on last month may do nothing for him now.

There's no easy answer, but it does take effort. It's easy to just let things slide, but if sex is something you want in your relationship you may need to be the one to instigate things if he doesn't. Be patient, it probably won't change overnight, or even in a month or two. If all else fails, at least you can say you tried and can decide where to go from there.

Best wishes!
 
Fedup said:
I thought sex in retirement is anytime, anywhere, anyway you like it. :D
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It is.

Of course it is better to have a willing partner.;)
 
kcowan said:
How pornography can adversely impact sex life
Another opinion of the role of pornography.
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DW and I find that moderation in all things is a good default stance in life (well, not for Meth!) .... Would see how it would become an issue if one partner is a solitary (and frequent) user. Sort of like drinking?

_______
E.T.A.--Also, quite luckily, unlike the situation posed by the article, I have never had a "xo-year-old average-looking, reserved wife." :dance:
 
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I remember talking with my family doctor about this . I felt DW was no longer interested . He said as you get older look at sex like tennis someone has to serve . Do not expect your mate to always start the action .
He also suggested we get away to an all adult vacation . I don't know if we understood him correctly but we decided to go to the Fantasy Fest .been doing it for seven years . Sure is fun !
 
kcowan said:
How pornography can adversely impact sex life
Another opinion of the role of pornography.
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"Not only does porn present a higher level of sexual excitement than married sex, it also allows a man to have sex on his terms. Porn is always available, never too busy and always inviting. It doesn't criticize, doesn't require foreplay or patience, isn't dependent on "feeling close" and never has a headache. When a guy is engaged in this type of sexual outlet, his sexuality becomes centered on his immediate needs and demands."

An excellent viewpoint. However, I still think a couple should have some give and take in their sexuality. There's no reason "married sex" can't include a little "higher level of sexual excitement" every now and then.

A man should absolutely be a patient and tender lover for his wife, focusing on making her feel loved and cared for. However, if this is the only style of sexuality the couple has, it would not be surprising for the man to feel like sex was just another obligation and lose interest.

Assuming the husband is normally a caring lover, why shouldn't the wife focus on his "needs and demands" occasionally? Add a little spice, try something out of the ordinary. Keep sex fun, playful, and adventurous.

There's nothing wrong with wanting "sex on your terms" every once in a while. That applies to the husband AND the wife.
 
mountainsoft said:
"Not only does porn present a higher level of sexual excitement than [married] sex..."
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IMO, this is an extreme case of comparing apples and oranges, so much so that I view the claim as ridiculous. The kind of stimulation experienced when engaging in sex (married or not) is radically different than that experienced when using porn in any manner. I'm not buying it. :nonono:
 
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