Trapped Gramma wants out

D

Drumlin

Confused about dryer sheets
Joined
Aug 15, 2022
Messages
5
Location
Rockport
I'm 63, and about 10 years ago walked away from an unfulfilling job in order to take care of my grandkids and help my daughter and son-in-law so they wouldn't have the stress that I had when my daughter was little and I was working full-time . We all picked up and moved to Maine, a lovely but poor state. They have great jobs and a nice property. In 8 to 10 years I won't be needed as a caregiver since the grandkids will be driving teenagers by that time, hopefully. Although I live rent free with my daughter with no utility bills, I really want to be independent again. I retired in 2020, having used up all my savings. So now I'm basically starting all over again. I try to save as much as I can, and I expect an inheritance of about $100,000 in a few years. I don't know if I would want to buy an RV and travel, get a mobile home in a park for security considerations (neither would grow in value), or get a standalone mobile home on a piece of land for investment considerations. I would really love a piece of land of my own, but then the mobile home would probably be pretty dilapidated, and I won't have money to fix it up. I don't really expect magic answers, but other peoples experiences are very valuable!
 
Maybe I'm misunderstanding your situation. You walked away from a unfulfilling job 10 years ago but retired in 2020? I assume you got another job in Maine and retired from that in 2020? What about SS?
 
Hate to be realistic, but at 63 with negligible savings you may well be trapped depending on what your cost of living independently is. Do you have a pension? SS? Have any intent to work again? I guess that I'm thinking that if you just have SS and a little in savings that it might not go very far.

When you say that you want to be independent again whether you mean in 8-10 years when the grandkids are driving and independent or sooner?
 
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Kind of. Originally, I had thought that I could get a part-time job once I moved here. But the area is incredibly rural, and the only job I could find was a gig at a bank that paid almost minimum wage. I mostly lived on my 401(k) and credit cards. Yeah, that didn't go quite well. When I had the bank job, since I was the main caregiver I was the one who had to get out when the kids were sick or needed to be picked up for any reason. It was extremely stressful, I honestly don't know how single parents do it. My daughter and son-in-law are both pharmacists, and they can't just leave their job, they have to wait for a backup pharmacist to show up. That can take hours. We used nannies for the three years I was working for the bank, but that wasn't ideal either. One couldn't even drive. I had no control over choosing nannies. We are all finding it much less stressful if I'm just on call 24/7 and everyone knows I can be relied on to grab the kids as needed. So yeah, basically the moment I could retire early at 62 that's what I did.
 
Car-Guy said:
Maybe I'm misunderstanding your situation. You walked away from a unfulfilling job 10 years ago but retired in 2020? I assume you got another job in Maine and retired from that in 2020? What about SS?
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Reading her profile, I suspect she started taking SS in 2020, after using up her savings.
 
Tough situation. Have you discussed your concerns with your daughter and son in law? One big thing here is that you are not being paid for the valuable work you are doing and you're contemplating another 8-10 years of the same. You may not consider this situation to be unfair, but it is. And it is a principle cause of your concerns now.

I suggest that the three of you do some research on what pay and benefits would apply if this live-in help situation was arms-length. Then work out a salary that you all think is fair. Two pharmacists' salaries should have room for this. Also consider your estimated Social Security with and without reporting the income. (Yes, I know. Other posters save the tut-tuts please.)

Re the $100K, sorry to say you should forget about the motor home. That's a luxury you won't be able to afford.
 
Wellll, I mean she pays for all electrical and heat and my phone, and I don't pay rent. So sure, I guess a nanny will get those benefits plus a salary, but this is my daughter after all! The whole point was to make things easier. I suspect that as my grandkids are getting older I may be able to work outside the home in the next year or two. Of course Covid screwed up everything. Actually, an RV van can be gotten for under 100,000, used. The problem with that is it would take every penny of the windfall, and I'm not completely comfortable with that.
 
I do some crafts on the side to sell, but of course that's under $2000 for the year. I'm also getting Medicare and food stamps! Yes the state is aware of my living situation. So that helps a lot. I know, this wasn't really thought through, I tend to do things like that. Don't get me started about bad marriage decisions. But anyway, I don't expect very much anymore. It's just some thing I think about within the next few years. Meanwhile, my Social Security is basically all mine, with no living expenses. Yes, I worked full-time until I was 54, then didn't work, then worked for three years, then now I'm not working again. So I collected Social Security at 62.
 
So, if you were living independently... say, renting or sharing an apartment or had a condo or something like that... what do you think it would cost you to live? Rent or mortgage, property taxes and insurance and condo fees, groceries, utilities, entertainment, etc.

Another thing to consider is senior low-income housing... my grandmother had a nice small apt in a senior housing building where the rent was adjusted based on your income so it made it very affordable for her.
 
Drumlin said:
Wellll, I mean she pays for all electrical and heat and my phone, and I don't pay rent. So sure, I guess a nanny will get those benefits plus a salary, but this is my daughter after all! ...
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Of course. I can understand completely why you feel that way. But recognize, too, it is your generosity that is a big factor in the dilemma that you are now in. This reminds me of the First Law of Holes. Do you know it? "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."


Drumlin said:
... Actually, an RV van can be gotten for under 100,000, used ...
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Certainly. A decent older Class C (van chassis) can probably be found for $25K. But an RV is something that eats money. Fuel, camping or park fees, maintenance, insurance, ... It's a fun dream and DW and I have had it too, but the economics are very unfavorable. At the very least, I'd suggest renting a Class C camper and spending a few weeks on the road. Also spend a little time on some RV forums and see what people can tell you about the economics.
 
Drumlin said:
Wellll, I mean she pays for all electrical and heat and my phone, and I don't pay rent. So sure, I guess a nanny will get those benefits plus a salary, but this is my daughter after all! The whole point was to make things easier. I suspect that as my grandkids are getting older I may be able to work outside the home in the next year or two. Of course Covid screwed up everything. Actually, an RV van can be gotten for under 100,000, used. The problem with that is it would take every penny of the windfall, and I'm not completely comfortable with that.
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I can see how it made things easier for all at the time - you, by giving you the ability to quit your job. And your daughter/hubby by giving them reliable 24/7 caretaker services. But the end result is your savings are gone and you are now reliant on living with your daughter's family. The way I see it you have three choices:

1) be fairly paid for your services until you are no longer needed and save,save,save until then. Even with that route, I think its going to be a struggle to save enough to afford you an independent living space from that point forward.

2) quit, move, and find a better paying job elsewhere. This will bring with it a lot higher cost of living as now you'll be responsible for your own rent. You might be able to make this work if you took advantage of every available option such as subsidized housing etc.

3) have you considered maybe a placing a trailer on your daughter's property? I know it's not the same as owning your own property, but the cost would be right! This would provide you a bit more independence but still allow them to continue to support you in a way that might be more agreeable to you. Because any way you slice it, unless something drastically changes, I feel you will be reliant on your daughter for some sort of support from here on forward.

Just my thoughts given what VERY little I know of your situation. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
 
That's a possibility, but I really love gardening. Maybe someday when I'm reaaallly old!
 
If I was the OP and have Medicare, SS, food stamps, some potential windfall of $100K, I would be looking to get into affordable senior housing, if available where they are as a start. Waiting lists for these places may be YEARS in length (we have a relative that got into one after waiting 2 years).

Owning land, mobile home on foundation, having an RV are all money pits and going into your 70's is the time your health starts to fall apart. It's not the time to get adventurous with minimal funds and no backup partner.

Also, remember that Medicare by itself is not 100% coverage. So if you have a real problem you can end up paying 20% of the big bill. Drugs on Medicare can run you into the $1,000's (like ours do).
 
aja8888 said:
... Also, remember that Medicare by itself is not 100% coverage. So if you have a real problem you can end up paying 20% of the big bill. Drugs on Medicare can run you into the $1,000's (like ours do).
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I'm not sure about Maine but our Medicare supplement to pay Medicare's deductibles and co-pays in Vermont was close to $200/month and you have Part B ($170/mo) and Part D (say $15/mo) on top of that... so that totals $485/mo for one person.

The OP's situation may be one where a more affordable Medicare Advantage plan makes sense.
 
Gremlin said:
I can see how it made things easier for all at the time - you, by giving you the ability to quit your job. And your daughter/hubby by giving them reliable 24/7 caretaker services. But the end result is your savings are gone and you are now reliant on living with your daughter's family. The way I see it you have three choices:

1) be fairly paid for your services until you are no longer needed and save,save,save until then. Even with that route, I think its going to be a struggle to save enough to afford you an independent living space from that point forward.

2) quit, move, and find a better paying job elsewhere. This will bring with it a lot higher cost of living as now you'll be responsible for your own rent. You might be able to make this work if you took advantage of every available option such as subsidized housing etc.

3) have you considered maybe a placing a trailer on your daughter's property? I know it's not the same as owning your own property, but the cost would be right! This would provide you a bit more independence but still allow them to continue to support you in a way that might be more agreeable to you. Because any way you slice it, unless something drastically changes, I feel you will be reliant on your daughter for some sort of support from here on forward.

Just my thoughts given what VERY little I know of your situation. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
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+1
I get the sense of not wanting to charge you daughter for the nanny services you provide. I love taking care of my DGKs when they need me. However, it is not full time and I would never have quit a job to do it.
They are getting tremendous service and help from you: live in child care, who is dependable, they have no need to take sick time from their job.
A live in nanny does get paid, along with room and board! Your daughter and her DH are pharmacists, they have good paying jobs. IF you weren't there, they would figure it out and pay the cost of child care.
You really are selling yourself short by not accepting money for your services. Especially if you have gone through your savings, even though you live with them.
Are they aware of your financial situation?
 
A friend of mine had a mil that retired at 52 from the state to provide childcare. She has her own apartment in the house and they always paid her a salary. She couldn’t collect her pension until 60 and it was small because she left 8 years early. Sorry but you are being taken advantage of.
 
Drumlin said:
Maybe someday when I'm reaaallly old!
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Unfortunately that will come quicker than you think. My suggestion would to be plan backwards, that is, where are you going to be when you are 92, how will you survive. What are the steps to get there.

I am going to die when I am 86; how do I know? In my 30's I was doing some retirement planning and looking at insurance annuities (didn't go there). In the planning/application process they did a health/heredity/life expectancy study and determined I would probably check out around 86.

Hopefully your children will be the type to help out when you get really old, kind of a payback for the years of child care... do have that discussion with them, it's an important part of your plan.

I have been full time RV'ing for 11 years now. I spend about $75k a year on travel, maintenance, food, RV parks. MY RV and truck are paid for. I tend to live on the high end of the full time lifestyle.

I have also volunteered at different state parks, national parks, private campground, National Forest Campground every year, sometimes only a month, sometimes longer depending on how much fun I am having.

In my travels I have met many women pretty much in the same situation that you have. Single Senior with an adventurous nature. Most tend to not move very many times in the year, spending several months in one location. Several have semi-permanent jobs at private campgrounds working in the office in exchange for site rent. Watch the movie Nomadland...

Here's the part where it may look like I am gender bashing but it's not my intention, just an observation of my environment. Most women have a hard time full time RV'ing, either they are timid about moving RV's around or don't have the mechanical skills to do the maintenance. There are extremes to both ends of that equation, my current neighbor lady in her 80's does 95% of everything as her older husband is starting to have age related difficulties, but they keep going. 2 doors down from them is a young family, early thirties, 1 child, the young lady is the primary bread winner, he is a stay at home dad, she does most of the maintenance and is an excellent mechanic. We all figure our own way of doing things.

Purchasing and RV. Never buy one more than 10 years old. Not enough space here to fully explain that, internet research will debunk or support that statement. Keep it small, something you can easily handle. If you decide you need bigger later it's easier to trade up. Pay cash for the RV. I shopped RV's by deciding how much cash I had, then finding out the max square footage that amount would buy. Just one way..

If no one has mentioned it, take a look at Medicare Advantage Plans with a zero monthly premium.

It's good that you are forward thinking getting really old. There are no absolutely correct answers here, only decisions to be made that take your life in a new (or old) direction.
 
one more comment--
I just googled average salary for pharmacist in Maine and it is over $100,000K/year.

I believe Your daughter and SIL have the means to pay you a salary for your services, even if they are family. Your time is valuable.
 
pb4uski said:
I'm not sure about Maine but our Medicare supplement to pay Medicare's deductibles and co-pays in Vermont was close to $200/month and you have Part B ($170/mo) and Part D (say $15/mo) on top of that... so that totals $485/mo for one person.

The OP's situation may be one where a more affordable Medicare Advantage plan makes sense.
Click to expand...

I don't recall her saying she had a supplement along with Medicare.
 
aja8888 said:
I don't recall her saying she had a supplement along with Medicare.
Click to expand...

I think you are right. There are a lot of people who have Medicare, pay for Parts B and D and take their chances with deductible and co-pays and I suspect that may be what the OP is doing... but as you point out those deductibles and co-pays can wipe you out financially if you have a serious illness.
 
pacergal said:
Are they aware of your financial situation?
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+100. I came back to add this comment and see pacergal beat me to it. I think you need to have an upfront conversation with them if you haven’t already. Not necessarily to ask them for a salary (although I think you should if you are going to remain there) At the very least, they need to know you now have no savings.

Again, best wishes to you!!
 
pb4uski said:
I think you are right. There are a lot of people who have Medicare, pay for Parts B and D and take their chances with deductible and co-pays and I suspect that may be what the OP is doing... but as you point out those deductibles and co-pays can wipe you out financially if you have a serious illness.
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Yep. I have been on Medicare for 14 years now and have seen it all. And, Medicare Advantage plans are really not Medicare per se, but third party insurance that the Gov has contracted out. How that generally works is the Gov pays an insurance company a flat fee per insured (say like $13,000 - Humana receives) for the entire year of claims. Humana then negotiates the fee billing with each service in their network. Go outside of the network and you are fair game.

One guy in my ROMEO group is a Humana sales rep and they sell both sides....Sup plans and MA.

There are good and not so good MA plans and it's variable based on what's available. I hear the Kaiser system is quite good.
 
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