Vulture-proofing visit over. Postus Mortimus

[OldAgePensioner]

I visited mom and attempted a "vulture-proofing" plan.  Misery arrived at my door within 3 days.  Hate followed and retreat was required.

Attempted.
1. Buy new car (last car she will have).   ------------------- Success
2. Pay off mortgage on home.---------------------------------Disaster 
3. Renovate home-----------------------------------------------Disaster

I arrived to much love (?) and many salutations but with each attempt at solving issues, there were always suspicions.  Each sibling had some issue where they were in protective mode.

Learned:
1. My mother lies to the strong and defends the weak.
2. My mother concots elaborate reasons why the vultures are her darlings.
3. None of the leeches bothered her at all.  She has them under her control.

Prognosis is that she will be filing bankruptcy in less than 2-3 years and it will be the fault of those who would not support her desire to shift wealth from the working siblings to the non-working siblings. 

I found bank statements that showed $50,000 spent in one month.  Checks for cars, home payments, credit cards, etc.  All to leeches.

I despise this situation.  Are there no legal means to change this ongoing looting?"

 

[Martha]

If she is competent, I doubt it.

Let it go.

 

[Dreamer]

What a shame. It has to be so very frustrating for you. I agree with Martha, that the best thing to do is to try to let it go. Not an easy thing to do though.

Dreamer

 

[maddythebeagle]

I wouldnt let it eat at you. From what I have read, you are financially independent. I think life is too short to worry about everyone's problems.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

BTW, I returned from Chicago on Wednesday. I think the city is one of the cleanest I have ever seen and it is beautiful!  Especially the waterfront!  I spent 2 entire days at Navy Pier.

Momtwo

Proving once again that there really is no accounting for taste  

JG

 

[JPatrick]

A sad, but common story.  Same thing with my Mom.  The church, people that fix imaginary things,  every charity on the face of the earth and cousins I never knew I had.
I finally sat down with her and worked out a budget that included a certain amount to the leeches ( so she could feel good) then had the bank direct all the rest to the FIDO account which I managed for her.  I would give her frequent briefings about the Fido status which also provided  an occasion to talk about her serious financial goals.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

I visited mom and attempted a "vulture-proofing" plan.  Misery arrived at my door within 3 days.  Hate followed and retreat was required.

Attempted.
1. Buy new car (last car she will have).   ------------------- Success
2. Pay off mortgage on home.---------------------------------Disaster 
3. Renovate home-----------------------------------------------Disaster

I arrived to much love (?) and many salutations but with each attempt at solving issues, there were always suspicions.  Each sibling had some issue where they were in protective mode.

Learned:
1. My mother lies to the strong and defends the weak.
2. My mother concots elaborate reasons why the vultures are her darlings.
3. None of the leeches bothered her at all.  She has them under her control.

Prognosis is that she will be filing bankruptcy in less than 2-3 years and it will be the fault of those who would not support her desire to shift wealth from the working siblings to the non-working siblings. 

I found bank statements that showed $50,000 spent in one month.  Checks for cars, home payments, credit cards, etc.  All to leeches.

I despise this situation.  Are there no legal means to change this ongoing looting?"

Hello OAP. My DW's mothers's coffin was barely covered before
her STEP in-laws looted her house. It happens a lot, unfortunately.
My parents are living but slipping and welcome my help. It's just me
and my brother and he mostly stays out of it. I feel very lucky so far
although I am sure hardships lie ahead. No "leeches" involved
as far as I can see.

JG

 

[OldAgePensioner]

Martha,
On most topics she is sharp as a tack. Her memory is flawless. But the minute the subject of siblings comes up, she's a babbling, excuse-making, liar. It really was comical.

We sat face to face across a table and I would catch her and ask if it was the truth and she would go into a woe-is-me tirade and offer to go to an old folks home.

But she could not explain why she did it.

I'm letting it go. And I haven't slept well for 3 days.

 

[MJ]

My Dad doesn't have enough money for any leeches to go after. Besides, who do you think taught me to be cheap frugal.

 

[OldAgePensioner]

Momtwo, same situation, all bills belong to my mom for anything the siblings want.  Glad you liked Chicago, it's beautiful (don't listen to JG, he's funnin us)

Dreamer, thanks and I am letting it go but having a lot of emotional times doing it.

Maddy, being financially independent is part of my problem.  I feel like helping but my brain says "Danger".  I'll see where things are in the future and try to help.

JPatrick, yeah, I heard lots of stories about home repairs and such.  She claimed to have been ripped off but could produce no evidence.  Just a bunch a flotsam to cover the real story.

JG, wish I could report an ending like yours but the vultures were thick.

I was lucky because my brother and I went to a lawyer and he prepared us a bit.  What he cautioned us on, turned out to be spot-on.

 

[MJ]

Maddy, being financially independent is part of my problem. I feel like helping but my brain says "Danger". I'll see where things are in the future and try to help.

Unfortunately, helping your Mom is like giving a line of credit to the leeches attached to her.

MJ

 

[Sheryl]

OAP - sorry to hear about the vultures and leeches. Had a similar situation with my uncle when Grandma died. He had been milking her for years, then grabbed "his share" refused to pay his share of taxes and estate expense, ran off to Florida, spent it all, declared bankrupcy, asked us for help (yeah right!) had a heart attack and died all within 3 years. Seems like poetic justice somehow.

"Funny" story - since Uncle was unemployed (no job good enough for him) he mowed Grandma's lawn. This was in the 1980's. At some point it came out that he was "charging" her $20 every time he filled up the 5 gallon gas can. His own mother! She never knew what the price of gas was.

I hope you can "let it go" but I know it's hard. Good luck, OAP.

 

[OldAgePensioner]

MJ, exactly right. Every penny I could give her would be taken.


Sheryl, "no job was good enough for him" is a brilliant description of my own situation. I have a 45 y.o. divorced sister who has never lifted a finger towards working, I have a bankrupt 58 y.o. sister who still has a maid. My mid brother has worked about 3 years total in 1-2 month increments.

They are all in suburban brick homes in decent neighborhoods and all have cars. A BMW for the divorced sister. All get their bills paid for them by my mom.

Every post I make here helps me let it go but I'm a bit more grizzled and wiser today than I was a week ago.

 

[bruce1]

OAP My cousin and I went through something similiar with my Aunt (his mother) and the only way we could have done something was if we could have her declared incompetent. We obtained legal, medical and advice from specialists in aging and still had to eventually give up with the knowledge that we had done all we could.

Bruce

 

[OldAgePensioner]

bruce1, I wish it could be that path.

This is a situation where my mother seems to love causing this.

The more I hear the more I wonder.

 

[Lazarus]

OAP, how did you avoid the trap of being supported by mom?

 

[MJ]

OAP, how did you avoid the trap of being supported by mom?

OAP, I know this may sound ridiculous and it is a long shot. Can you convince your Mom that your circumstances have changed and that you are in dire need of her support. Get as much as you can but without her knowing it, use the money to help her.

 

[OldAgePensioner]

Laz, I worked from 15-55 and earned a wage, had the others done so, they would be independent and enjoying life.

Thanks to that ( getting up every day and working) , I earned my way.

I appreciate the question!

 

[OldAgePensioner]

MJ, damn dude, you are tooo close to my thinking. Are you CIA?

 

[haha]

My family situation was really OK. I have a sister who needed and got some help but IMO deserved it. My 2 brothers are stand up guys who are honest to a fault. Also they are tough. When out of family or distant family vultures showed up, they kicked their asses.

They aren't too good at helping when people are sick and need support. My sister and I did that.

All in all, old age stuff is never fun, but my experience was probably at least top decile.

Ha

 

[LOL!]

Years ago, when I visited my MIL, I noticed she had something taped to her phone: A big card with the words, "Just say NO!!!" It was her way of pre-empting the vultures that came to her through the wire.

 

[MJ]

MJ, damn dude, you are tooo close to my thinking. Are you CIA?

OAP, I guess, the truth had to come out, Agent Maxwell "Don't Know" Jack (MJ) at your undercover service.

On a more serious note, although my Dad can be a pain and very distrustful, he is at least for a 94 yo sound of mind and still lives on his own. Being a tightwad, he still saves over 30% of his SS and small pensions. If he makes it for another 20 years, my 3 brothers and I will inherit a small fortunate. I do encourage him to take annual vacations when his health allows.

Not bad, for a retired tailor, of course many thanks to FDR and SS benefits.

Good luck OAP.

MJ

 

[OldAgePensioner]

MJ, thanks for the support and great to hear you dad is viable at 94. Hoping the same for my mom. Her memory is awesome, but her decision making is scary.

On the CIA mole thing , I really had considered claiming poverty before my visit. None of my family has a clue about my finances or really how I live.

And to think, just a couple of short months ago, I had no clue of any of this. I was actually more concerned about a friend with a coniving mom and sisters. If I had not begun to help my mom get organized, I could have been blissfully ignorant.

 

[TromboneAl]

Sounds frustrating, OAP!

Here's a story about a non-family vulture.

A few years ago my 85-year-old mom gets a call that goes like this:

"Hi, this is your favorite nephew!"
"Jeff?"
"Yes, that's right, this is Jeff."

As you can guess, it wasn't really Jeff. The caller went on to set up a time to get together for dinner later, and, by the way, he needed $350 for a car payment, blah blah, and he was sending over a friend if she could loan him the money.

My mom has always been gullible and fell for it.

Then, the police catch the guy and send him to prison. My mom writes him in prison, says she forgives him, and tells him they should get together when he gets out. Not making this up. Fortunately the family convinced her not to.

 

[OldAgePensioner]

T-Bone Al,
I have a nephew who would have done that himself. And my mom, would take his side over the family. And, yes, he would have been the winner.

Gullible ?, NO, she wants to be taken is my opinion. She loves to be a hero.

How can a woman who went to Georgetown in 1947 for her freshman business year, married a GI and after his death in 1966, start a large business, be so gullible?

It just reeks.