Wife doesn't agree to early retirement

[ncbill]

Thank you so much for your reply. I do believe it is the anxiety and not know what to expect. I just got off the phone with her since she is deployed at the current moment. Explained to her our financial circumstance now and in the future. I believe she has a better understanding. She supports her son while attending the University. This is her primary purpose, so she does not want to jeopardize by needing to support me as well. I assured her this will not be the case. In the end, she said, "it is up to you if you want to get a job", haha.

So work the part-time job while looking for a full-time (not physical) job in your field if that's what you want.

Sounds like she'll be retiring in just a few years anyway.

My wife's non-negotiable was to be a SAHM, but once the kids were all in school she returned to teaching and won't voluntarily retire anytime soon..even with that we'll still have summers free.

 

[Bigdawg]

Pound sand, not pack sand...

Meant what I said.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pack sand

"2. A seafaring insult. When one was told to "pack sand" it was considered a huge insult often resulting in a heated exchange of salty language.Also see pound sand"

I prefer "pack sand" over the more popular "pound sand". Navy and Marice Corps family.

 

[pacergal]

I may be wrong in this assumption, but with both of you commanders in the military, you have most likely led a very regimented life. Suddenly, in retirement, you are faced with "what will I do all day?" Perhaps this may be part of your DW concern.

Out-to-lunch posted a potential good read.
Another one is one of my favorites by Ernie Zelinski :How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

Best wishes as you move forward. You have gone through quite a bit recently.

 

[Gumby]

It may have nothing at all to do with money. The young wife and I retired in 2019 - me at the end of May (because you could retire only at the end of a month) and she three weeks later when the school year ended in June (she was a teacher). We had been married for 35 years at that point, had been planning early retirement together for at least the last 20 of them, and the money was no issue at all. But I knew without a doubt that she would be cranky that she was still working and I was not. Objectively, it seems silly, but I know her well.

So I was a busy, busy beaver during that time - I built a door, I repainted the kitchen, did a bunch of other house, lawn and garden projects and cooked dinner every night (she is normally the cook and I am the scullery maid and gardener). And she was placated.

After retirement, she got a volunteer part time job making costumes for a local musical theater company, which keeps her busy, sometimes very busy. When she is loaded down with work right before and during one of the shows, I take up the slack with all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and such, because even though she does not get paid, I know she would be resentful if she were hard at work and I were just slacking (which I am, by the way, very good at). It appears to be working well so far.

 

[MarieIG]

I was glad to see that you had a productive conversation with DW (although she may circle on back to the issue due, in part, to your attachment/ identification with your profession). Hopefully you can keep the lines of communication open and make your telephone time with DW something to which you both look forward.

The next person you may have to deal with, is the one whom I call "Me, Myself and I," i.e. recertification - and coming to a sweet spot with employment vs. part-time employment vs. teaching. (I'm not sure if you were piling too much on your plate with the job via the agency, recertification, and teaching?) Also, and it may not be a factor with you, I have found that too much stress can cause flaring of my autoimmune condition. Conversely, stress reduction, sleep, watching my diet, and moderate exercise allows for some relief.

I hope you had a good day today!

 

[beanctr88]

While I will not retire until I feel that I can show my wife that it is more than fiscally responsible, the final decision on my retirement date will be mine. Just as her decisions on when she did and did not have paying jobs were hers.

We trust each other to do the right thing at the right time and would never try to veto the other’s decision to retire.

I don’t see why some are saying don’t retire until your spouse does. If one spouse chooses to work beyond what is required for hitting the planned retirement budget that is their choice. If my spouse wanted to work until 70, she could knock herself out. I won’t do it once we hit our magic number. I’ve served my time and will feel no guilt enjoying my freedom.

 

[ShokWaveRider]

Time for a new one, LOL just kidding.

 

[Harris4crna]

I was glad to see that you had a productive conversation with DW (although she may circle on back to the issue due, in part, to your attachment/ identification with your profession). Hopefully you can keep the lines of communication open and make your telephone time with DW something to which you both look forward.

The next person you may have to deal with, is the one whom I call "Me, Myself and I," i.e. recertification - and coming to a sweet spot with employment vs. part-time employment vs. teaching. (I'm not sure if you were piling too much on your plate with the job via the agency, recertification, and teaching?) Also, and it may not be a factor with you, I have found that too much stress can cause flaring of my autoimmune condition. Conversely, stress reduction, sleep, watching my diet, and moderate exercise allows for some relief.

I hope you had a good day today!

I think you know me. Yes, I believe you are right. I am piling on way to much and the autoimmune is at full force. The autoimmune is a whole another thread, but I do try to abide to stress reduction methods. I am starting a wellness program with the VA starting tomorrow. My next appointment with the Rheumatologist is scheduled for early February. Not sure what they are going to do for me since I refuse to go back on Prednisone.

Conversely, to what I said above, I did send an email to the hospital requesting to volunteer in my old profession, I did reach out to the agency requesting more information and I continue to move forward with the teaching job. I guess I want to exhaust all possibilities prior to closing the door on the profession. Yes, the part time teaching opportunity sounds like the least stress, but of course the lowest pay.

Again, thank you, this group is great and assistance is truly appreciated.

 

[Harris4crna]

Here is a book that does not get enough play on this site: https://www.amazon.com/Couples-Guide-Happy-Retirement-Aging/dp/1945547715/

It deals with many of the issues you are encountering. It seems to me that you both could benefit from reading it.

Great, thank you. I will add this to my reading list and offer it to DW.

I may be wrong in this assumption, but with both of you commanders in the military, you have most likely led a very regimented life. Suddenly, in retirement, you are faced with "what will I do all day?" Perhaps this may be part of your DW concern.

Out-to-lunch posted a potential good read.
Another one is one of my favorites by Ernie Zelinski :How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

Best wishes as you move forward. You have gone through quite a bit recently.

Just finished reading, How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free. I really like Ch. 2 the most. The author hit it on the button when he stated those who seek high achievements are often those with low self-esteem. Yep, I could relate. As far as the rest of the book, I honestly did not get much from it. At least not at this point in the transition. As soon as I let go of the past I foresee grasping the future.

 

[Harris4crna]

Wow, what great responses and insight. This truly helps. After the conversation with her we seemed to come to an understanding. We simply needed to communicate. Of course, I could make it much easier by making a fricken decision, haha.

I have taken the time while she is at work to decrease her responsibilities at home. She has never said anything to this, but I can imagine it helps. She is not an outgoing hobby pursuing kind of person. She is content hanging out in the house or looking for the next best restaurant. Since she has been in Cuba, I have lost 25 pounds since I hate to go out to eat.

I do keep very busy if not to busy with volunteering, doctor appointments, friends, exercise and study. I make sure to take care of myself mind, body and spirit. In the end, I just think her concept of retirement differs then mine. She sees retiring early as quitting. It would be a little easier for her to conceptualize if I was older than 49 despite me reminding her I have been working full time since I was 16 years old in the medical profession. She did not start her working life until mid 20's. I will take the advise, put it to work and keep you all updated. Thank you.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

My husband was against the idea of me retiring. He pulled out all the stops and argued with me about it for years. I believe the issue is that he grew up poor and had a hard time believing that we had enough. I am a CFP and explained, with charts, that we did have enough, over and over. He was still opposed. Two and a half years ago I retired at 48. He's been coming over to my way of thinking and is even working part time himself now. She might change her mind... Good luck!

 

[aaronc879]

Time for a new one, LOL just kidding.

I'm not. That is what I was going to post. First and only question, is that fat military pension up for grabs in a divorce. I would guess not with her getting probably even more in a few years. No reason to work another day with a pension like that. She doesn't have to like it.

 

[aaronc879]

I think a much more reasonable question is why is she NOT retiring earlier so you can spend more time together as a couple. Can't possibly need the money.

 

[Gumby]

I'm not. That is what I was going to post. First and only question, is that fat military pension up for grabs in a divorce. I would guess not with her getting probably even more in a few years. No reason to work another day with a pension like that. She doesn't have to like it.

Seems a bit drastic to heave a spouse over the side because you're not currently on the same page about retirement. As most here will tell you, retirement is not all, or even primarily, about the money. A presumably loving couple should be able to work this out in a way that meets both their needs, and I think they will.

 

[Dtail]

I've learned that some people just lack imagination. They can't visualize a life without a job, regardless of money issues. "You need to have a job!"

It's not about money or getting out of the house or anything like that. It's simply the idea of not having job that freaks them out.

Another comment I agree with. Sometimes it is also the ego satisfaction from one's job if they are high enough in the management structure.
You only live once and I have been busting my butt since college. In hindsight and with better financial knowledge earlier in life, I would have retired earlier than 57 y.o.
I just got back recently from a cruise and even after 5 years of retirement, I was thinking this is great not having to catch up on a 1k+ of emails and go back to work the next day.

 

[Aerides]

We simply needed to communicate.

Exactly. And perhaps with time, take a look at other areas besides finances, that could benefit from deeper discussion, chances are there are some.

I'd look at this as an opportunity to get to know one another even better, and get more things on the same page besides your money plans.

 

[Harris4crna]

Seems a bit drastic to heave a spouse over the side because you're not currently on the same page about retirement. As most here will tell you, retirement is not all, or even primarily, about the money. A presumably loving couple should be able to work this out in a way that meets both their needs, and I think they will.

Agree, no heaving the wife overboard just because she wants to continue to pursue her goals. But, a little support for achieving mine would be nice. I have faith it will work out and in a few years this conversation will have no relevancy whatsoever since she too will be retired. Just need to mind the gap

 

[rodi]

When I retired, sooner than our official plan, my husband was already retired. My husband wasn't sure he was ready for us to be together at home full time. He was really worried I'd be annoyed with him and he'd be annoyed with me if we were together full time. We had to work through that. Lots of discussion and agreements that we'd openly communicate these gripes and try to resolve them. I retired and immediately signed up for a community college class (Italian language) that I'd never had time for. I also took on full kid transport (we'd shared it). That gave him home alone time. He also got called back to his old job, part time, for 3 months, which gave me home alone time. We adjusted and are not content to be in the same space while giving each other space.

All this is to say - talk to her - it's probably not about money. It may be something for more mundane.

 

[tryan]

Little bit funny ... I know an inn owner and his wife (in there mid 80's). FINALLY sold the inn they ran for over 50 years ... plenty of dough. He got a job at the inn down the street. Says "I love my wife, but we can't be together". A simple choice ... die working.

 

[aaronc879]

Little bit funny ... I know an inn owner and his wife (in there mid 80's). FINALLY sold the inn they ran for over 50 years ... plenty of dough. He got a job at the inn down the street. Says "I love my wife, but we can't be together". A simple choice ... die working.

I agree it's a simple choice. I would rather die single than die working. To each their own.

 

[Winemaker]

DW had issues when I brought up early retirement. I w*rked in a coal mine for 35+ years and she was always afraid that I won't come home on day. So after the youngest went off to school, she went back to w*rk. I case I croaked, the kids would never take a step backward in their lifestyle. Well, we banked her earnings, and lived on mine. When the BS bucket got full, I told her I'm pulling the plug. She had just started to make $50,000/yr in 1014, and was pumped. When I told her we could have the same take home pay, without w*rking, she balked. But when I pulled the plug, our standard of living never went down, and she retired at the end of the school year. YMMV

 

[DallasGuy]

You have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. Do what YOU want to!

 

[dmpi]

You know what they say: Twice as much husband and half as much money.

 

[old medic]

You know what they say: Twice as much husband and half as much money.

Monitor Squeegee please....
I'm still wondering about not re-certing my stuff... not planning on going back, and as a non certified lay person, no liability issues if I do come across something.
We are just about opposite of you, I retired and she has a few more years to go, but we both wish she could now.

 

[SoloDrifter]

I've learned that some people just lack imagination. They can't visualize a life without a job, regardless of money issues. "You need to have a job!"

It's not about money or getting out of the house or anything like that. It's simply the idea of not having job that freaks them out.

Yeah I retired a few years ago at 54 and didn't worry at all about what I'd be doing with my time. Boring people can get bored. Most adventurous and creative people typically have no issues enjoying not working. Best part for me has been no more stress of work and meeting deadlines. I thought the stress/anxiety was a family genetic thing but as soon as I retired it all completely disappeared. Perception of time completely changed (for the better).

I ended up taking care of a relative a year after retirement (and COVID hit) so that limited my adventures but will be getting back to extensive travel next year. Meanwhile taking care of someone really has been fulfilling especially since I never had (or wanted) kids. I plan to rotate adventures for myself mixed with periods of helping others with my time. Seems to be a good balance.