Cheaper to keep her?

I just happened on this thread and thought I might add another alternative to Counseling.:cool:

I divorced eight years ago and hadn't known about this alternative to counseling until way afterwards when I was trying to re-invent myself after 23 years of marriage and dividing up the marriage assets for better or worse...and the resultant unhappiness of dividing the families.(Plural...remember it's not just your own marriage but the in-laws as well...)

The main problem is lack of communication and understanding.

1) You think she hears and understands,... she doesn't.

2) She thinks she hears and understands...she doesn't.

3) You think you've expressed yourself fully but somehow she is not understanding.

Why not cut to the chase and enroll in a long weekend seminar called the
Landmark Forum? It is literally 'lifechanging'...and definitely I promise will
make a difference in your marriage! You will learn how to make yourself understood in a way that will move, touch and inspire your wife to the harsh realities of what may be ahead if you should decide to divorce...or to move, touch and inspire her for a 'New and better partnership' with you in Early Retirement together...which was the original plan when you first were married.

There is a Landmark Forum in Dallas Texas not far from you...check out some info at the website www.Landmarkeducation.com

If you can....try to have your wife and kids attend as well...the experience they all will have will change their lives even more than yours....they will be able to see a future for themselves, bury their own mistakes as the past and go on independently.....and happily on their own.

Kind of a Dr. Phil approach.....and faster than months of therapy.

Just saying....
 
I suggest some time alone in the quiet with your wife. Go for long walks, go fishing in a small boat, go for a long drive or a motel with a view and no TV. Take time together not a scheduled talk just time walking, holding hands, dreaming and sharing dreams even if you are only feeding ducks at a lake or sitting in an empty room with a fire. Then when the moment is right tell her how much you are looking forward to spending more time alone with her. Talk about moving to Paris or Austria someday and having endless summers to play together Summering in Arizona and Wintering in Alaska or vis versa. Ask her how she would like to spend your golden years, were she would like to go and what she would like to do. Maybe renting a condo in Aspen or golf courses all over the world. Don't make deadlines or talk about the kids except to say after they grow up and leave home you can travel or move the world is your oyster.
 
A mother is forever driven to protect her offspring.

But help her see that she is infantilizing them, not raising them to be independent. She may be suffering guilt wondering what in the world she did wrong as a parent that has caused this outcome and is trying to make up for it (albeit in the wrong direction).

Don't underestimate romancing your wife during this time as well. This is the time to try to reach her at a soul level.

When you walk in at the end of the day, instead of saying "Hello" - say, "Hello. How's the love of my life today?"
 
What it comes down to is whether your family is better off with you dead or alive. If the situation stays the same, you will eventually have a stroke or heart attack from the stress and then they have no real income other than your savings. Sounds like that would be burned through real fast. We have 2 kids - grown and off on their own, but also several rocky years until they learned to fly on their own.

There is nothing wrong with helping your kids - our daughter went though a few months unemployment recently and we helped her get through it - but moving home was not an option asked for or offered.

It sounds like you are last on the list of people to be considered in your family. Being the only earner, you should be first - if you don't take a tuff love stance with the 2 younger ones, they will be parasitic all their lives. Being on welfare is rough, but maybe they will be more motivated. Not all poor people end up in jail - in fact, very few do.

Based on your current situation, I don't see any way out other than to force the 27 and 25 year olds to be on their own. If not, you will be working forever - until you die - which may not be that far away with the stress you have.

Don't think your situation is that unique - many of us have faced the same problems and made the tough choices. If I had the choice of saving the life of one of my kid's life by giving up my own, I would probably do it. But I did not let my children be dependent on me once they achieved their educations - which, in this case was the expenes of 2 degrees each.
 
Sounds like your family isnt hearing your concerns and i think you need to lay it out there so that whether they do anything about it or not you know that they know that you arent liking this.If they choose to ignore your concerns after some period of time i would get creative about a new future as all i can see in your future is some one who is tolerated due to financial necessity.
As other posters have said it seems like your options are limited to 2
Get counselling and hope that the entire family participates and all your problems are in the near future eradicated.
Or go with the attitude of =I've only got one life and i'm running out of race track,its time to walk away start a new life and enjoy what amount of time i have left.
I sure dont envy your options.
Google Image Result for http://www.pplmotorhomes.com/parts/directories-books/rv-fulltiming.jpg
 
Last edited:
jambo101 said:
Or go with the attitude of =I've only got one life and i'm running out of race track,its time to walk away start a new life and enjoy what amount of time i have left.
I sure dont envy your options.
Google Image Result for http://www.pplmotorhomes.com/parts/directories-books/rv-fulltiming.jpg
Click to expand...
Do you travel full time? Just curious! We do and we recently upgraded our RV. The guy who bought it just couldn's handle his family situation any longer...wife who is determined to save adult children...who are addicted to drugs. They have paid for several drug rehab programs for them, but they keep hitting rock bottom again and turn up on his doorstep. He said he loves his wife and kids but he just can't keep up the never ending cycle. He's traveling full time now and DW is still taking kids in and trying to save them. Sad.
 
Not full timing yet but its an appealing option thats been on my mind for many years and its always been the plan B.
 
CybrMike said:
Okay I am going to be the lone wolf here and say that you need to change your perspective.

Work it out with your wife. Try to get her to see that the kids need to be prodded out, but if not, then I think you should eat **** and like it. They are, after all, your kids, not someone else's. Whether you like them or not, they came from you.
Click to expand...

I'll be the second lone wolf and agree with the above. Also, a marriage demands honesty. Talk to your wife candidly about YOURSELF. Tell her how stressed you are. Work out a plan between the two of you, with counseling.

Do not plan your out secretly and go to Abu Dabai or whatever. You will not be happy with yourself in the long run.

Think about how you will view your actions from the distance of time. The old cliche, "On your death bed, you wished you would have . . ." Family is everything. Don't minimize that because you are stressed right now.
 
Well, I don't know how much y'all helped the OP, but I'd like to thank Gumby for my new holiday mantra: I am not required to tolerate bad behavior from someone just because they are related to me. If I wouldn't take it from a stranger, I won't take it from a relative.

Needed it last week, but it will be helpful for the next month. :) sigh.
 
Oldbabe said:
I'll be the second lone wolf and agree with the above. Also, a marriage demands honesty. Talk to your wife candidly about YOURSELF. Tell her how stressed you are. Work out a plan between the two of you, with counseling.

Do not plan your out secretly and go to Abu Dabai or whatever. You will not be happy with yourself in the long run.

Think about how you will view your actions from the distance of time. The old cliche, "On your death bed, you wished you would have . . ." Family is everything. Don't minimize that because you are stressed right now.
Click to expand...

You make a lot of sense. One of DW's friends is a family practice therapist, and she believes if some people put as much time into their marriages as they do buying a car, more marriages would be saved..........:eek::D
 
FinanceDude said:
You make a lot of sense. One of DW's friends is a family practice therapist, and she believes if some people put as much time into their marriages as they do buying a car, more marriages would be saved..........:eek::D
Click to expand...

Also, people tend to think that getting out of a difficult marriage will alleviate their stress and make their life better. Doesn't always happen that way. Often you trade one set of problems for another, and some are equally painful.
 
FinanceDude said:
You make a lot of sense. One of DW's friends is a family practice therapist, and she believes if some people put as much time into their marriages as they do buying a car, more marriages would be saved..........:eek::D
Click to expand...
Yes, but you can always rent a car.

And they don't turn you down just because you're not hot enough or not rich enough or because you already have a car...

Boy, we could torture this analogy for weeks.
 
There have been some really great posts here. You are not alone Raygun. This little play has been performed many, many times in America. To start let me submit to you the following quote. I have found it to be accurate and inspiring.

"Man...every man is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others, nor sacrificing others to himself. The persuit of his own rational self interest and of his own hapiness is the highest moral purpose of his life".

The question really becomes in your situation... Who's life are you really living right now. Why is it that your children and your wife think that your only purpose is to support their needs at the expense of your own needs? Are your life and desires somehow less important than theirs? Certainly not. Simply put... life is just too short to remain miserable. I need to include here that I am not married, nor do I have children. But I would like to think that if my wife and children loved me, and I told them I was unhappy for some reason, that the first repose would be... "What can I do to help that?".
 
Armor, is that Ayn Rand? I like it.

And on a less lofty note, my DH and I have a saying, along the lines of "if you aren't making my life better, you're making it worse" applied to one another. We try to be the solution, not the problem. because god knows there are enough people out there creating problems for us!
 
Yes Sarah... it is a quote from Ayn Rand. Unfortunately at times like Raygun is experiencing it is a very emotional situation. And more often than not... at least for me anyway... "passion rules over reason". Sometimes it helps to take a step back and see what you can see from the objective point of view... Sometimes when you take the emotion out of the equation it can help you see what you should do.
 
Nords said:
Yes, but you can always rent a car.

And they don't turn you down just because you're not hot enough or not rich enough or because you already have a car...

Boy, we could torture this analogy for weeks.
Click to expand...

I'm "lucky" to be married...........;)
 
Good one, Al.

I thought you might chime in that he should have gotten the undercoat and rustproofing. You went in a different direction!
 
I had a girlfriend once that thought 5 year contracts with free agency would be a pretty good way to go.
 
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