Retiring Introvert - Ideas on Making Friends

[Miramar]

Hello!

My husband, 57, is thinking about taking an early separation package from his job, where he's been an engineer for 30 years. He is mostly fine with the financial aspect - he knows we have enough to live on well into our 90s. But he is scared of the unknown future. Specifically, being an introvert, all of his friends are from work and when he leaves he will only have me. (He has no family, except our three kids, who all live in other states.) We definitely have to leave San Jose and move to a less expensive location - like Nevada or Florida. (I have been a homemaker since 1991.)

So - ideas anyone on how to mitigate his fears of the unknown, but exciting, future that awaits him? Whether it is next week, or next year - or ten years, he is going to have to face retirement sometime.

Thanks!

 

[mystang52]

One immediate thought I have is to go slow and not be so hasty to move. get acclimated to ER first, before going through another major life change such as a relocation to another state.

As others here recommended to me before my ER, he might also consider planning what he will do with his time. This "chore" was a genuine fun activity for me, and for a while I vowed to add one thing each day. I now have a very comprehensive list that should last the rest of my life .

There are a gazillion retirement planning books out there that are worth reading -- not so much the financial ones, but the "mental" ones which helped me considerably, as well.

 

[Dd852]

Nothing wrong with being an introvert! I think the first hurdle is understanding that work friends aren't necessarily real friends and most of them will drop away from your life soon after you leave. That's ok - they were good to pass time with. When you understand that, then you can replace them with other time passers - volunteer activities, hobbies etc. or not - a true introvert is happy
on his own! It sounds like you are the more social one - fine: do the running for the family's social life and introduce him into your circle. I know and accept that a lot of the people I see now are because of my wife. True friendship can't be forced or manufactured, wait for it. But in the mean time, be happy in your duo, let the more sociable of the two take the lead in finding circles, and revel in time to yourself.

 

[Miramar]

Being Married to an Introvert

Thank you for your responses. All great ideas! I passed them on to my husband. I am looking forward to the next step - whatever happens, it's going to be exiting.

 

[zedd]

Thank you for your responses. All great ideas! I passed them on to my husband. I am looking forward to the next step - whatever happens, it's going to be exiting.

Freudian slip

 

[growing_older]

Has he looked into the online system of meetup? There are likely groups of all interests which he could join to find possible like minded friends once he no longer has the work connection.

 

[samclem]

But he is scared of the unknown future. Specifically, being an introvert, all of his friends are from work and when he leaves he will only have me.

So - ideas anyone on how to mitigate his fears of the unknown, but exciting, future that awaits him?

I tend toward the introvert side of things, and I never much think of "trying to make friends" as a goal in itself. I do things I am interested in, and in the course of events I meet people with whom I share an interest. That seems to me to be a more natural way to meet people. So, I'd urge him to concentrate on the activities he likes (hobbies, sports, maybe a part time "for fun" j*b, church, "for fun" adult education courses, volunteer activities, etc) and he'll find people he wants to associate with.

 

[F4mandolin]

Introvert here as well. When I was still teaching....that was enough human contact for me. When I came home at the end of the day I wanted peace and quiet. Golf season is coming....so I will likely join and play a few times a week and force myself into getting more sociable. The last thing I want is a ton of friends. If my phone rang all the time it would likely be destroyed. I see people talking on their phones all the time.....don't know how they do it. It would drive me nuts.

 

[clifp]

I think you both would benefit from reading Quiet:The power of Introverts in world that can't stop talking. One of the chapters deals with retirement.

 

[Dash man]

I'm also an introvert who retired last year at age 56. My work friends were scattered all over the country since I was a telecommuter as was most of my team. I moved a lot for much of my adult life until I settled in PA 15 years ago, so I don't really have any close friends to hang out with, but manage to stay busy.

 

[Ozstache]

For me, as a self-professed introvert, it was a self-solving problem that I too concerned myself with prior to ER. Four months in, it turns out I don't really miss the social contact at work. I'm more than happy in my own skin, with my wife's company and occasional spurts of family and old acquaintance interactions to fill my calendar.

 

[Grigori]

I am an introvert, also - a 58 year old engineer. I can also relate to what your husband is apparently saying about having most of his social contact at work, and few friends outside of work. I'm a bit nervous about leaving the job and being completely isolated.

However, for me, it's primarily because work takes up most of my life energy in a week. I really don't have a lot left over after a work day to go out and get involved in my other interests beyond work. As an introvert, I don't need to be social as much as some people, but I do like to be selectively social.

I think that once work goes away, I will find the energy and time to get involved in a whole world out there, although I'm never going to be a social butterfly. The people I meet are likely to be people I really have things in common with, because I choose to bring them into my life, and aren't just forced to get along with during the work day.

Even though my emotions sometimes tell me the contrary, I think I have very good evidence from 4 long or short sabbaticals in my career (layoffs and out of work for months). The evidence shows that I quickly relax from work, drop all the work "friends", and start getting involved in non-work activities I truly like. Along the way I start to meet new people I enjoy. Unfortunately, in the past, I went back to work, and I had to scale back on the activities and people I was getting involved with. When I retire, it will be a permanent sabbatical.

 

[Walt34]

For me, as a self-professed introvert, it was a self-solving problem that I too concerned myself with prior to ER. Four months in, it turns out I don't really miss the social contact at work. I'm more than happy in my own skin, with my wife's company and occasional spurts of family and old acquaintance interactions to fill my calendar.

That's about where I am too. Been working out fine for the last 12 years.

 

[travelover]

Plus 2 on Meetup, as long as you live near an urban area. Or he could hang out here and have virtual friends.

 

[aaronc879]

As others have said, having a bunch of friends probably isn't that important to a true introvert. I prefer peace and quiet and isolation 99% of the time. That being said, if your husband wants to meet a bunch of people i'd recommend moving to a gated community in Florida. It's nearly impossible not to meet a lot of different people in those communities. You can rent a place for a few months then decide to buy or not. There are always rentals available but expect to pay a high premium Jan-Mar.

 

[wmc1000]

just an idea - if you do relocate - possibly consider a 55+ community subdivision as many of them have a ton of activities and clubs for their homeowners. I have a couple of FIRE'd friends who have done this and they are busier in retirement than they were when working!

 

[haha]

For me, as a self-professed introvert, it was a self-solving problem that I too concerned myself with prior to ER. Four months in, it turns out I don't really miss the social contact at work. I'm more than happy in my own skin, with my wife's company and occasional spurts of family and old acquaintance interactions to fill my calendar.

Many people report this. A potential flaw that I see is what happens to you if your wife becomes incapacitated or dies or leaves you?

This is pretty close to the all the eggs in one basket, which IMO may not be prudent, even though it may also be quite comfortable.

I have no wife, I live alone, but I can get into depending on my girlfriend. And something I have noticed, she will subtly resist my tending to outside relationships, especially those with women. Overall, I have to come up with a good way of avoiding conflict without letting her control me.

I think if someone is not having sex or intending to have sex with outsiders, they should be able to have whatever friends they want.

Ha

 

[racy]

I'd recommend exploring the bars. Lot's of interesting people there, especially in the daytime. After a drink or two he'll be chatting it up with everyone!

 

[Moemg]

.

I think if someone is not having sex or intending to have sex with outsiders, they should be able to have whatever friends they want.

Ha

Nice Fantasy but in reality most women would not appreciate the friendships unless the other woman was a relative , 90 or did not like men.IMO!

 

[Moemg]

Sorry for the interruption Miramar & Welcome !

 

[zedd]

Seconding the suggestion for taking an adult education class. I enrolled in an evening class at the local highschool; welding. No better ice breaker than to have your shirt tails on fire. Met a really nice bunch of guys who seemed sincerely concerned for my well being

 

[Katsmeow]

This is actually an issue for me that I have yet to solve. I am definitely an introvert (INTJ, very strong on the I). However, I do like having some social contact although I like it in relatively small doses with relatively small groups.

Back when I was working full-time I got most of my social contact at work, in addition to my husband who I consider my best friend. DH retired almost 4 years ago and is basically fine with having social contact with me, our kids who are at home and occasional contact with people he knew from work or family. But, really most of the contact he has from people outside of our house is initiated by them.

I semi-retired when he retired and since middle of last year I've worked entirely from home. I've realized increasingly the past few months that I'm not having enough social contact to suit me. I like my contact with my husband and kids but would love to have some outside friends. How to find those friends is a little perplexing to me as an introvert.

We live in a nice area, but most of the people in this area are different enough from me that it makes me not that easy. For instance, this is an area where many people are very religious and I'm not. I feel somewhat isolated in that my views on things are just not typical of "most" people in this area.

 

[haha]

Nice Fantasy but in reality most women would not appreciate the friendships unless the other woman was a relative , 90 or did not like men. IMO!

So that's what caused my divorce! Narrow minded ladies.

Ha

 

[Major Tom]

I think if someone is not having sex or intending to have sex with outsiders, they should be able to have whatever friends they want.
Ha

All the women I have been involved with have had very good instincts as to whether my friendships with other women were genuinely platonic, or had the potential to develop into something more. In some cases, they could tell the other woman was interested in something more even when my primitive self was convinced otherwise. However, whenever I've had a purely platonic friendship with a woman, my partner at the time recognized this and relaxed, realizing it wasn't a threat.

Women can sense these things, even when us dumb guys can't. On the other hand, if your partner is insecure, or you are giving him/her reason to feel insecure, all bets are off.

 

[chas57006]

Move to a retirement community, hiking club, softball teams, golf leagues, photography club, poker club, dance, and another 20/40 I can't think of.

On top of that there are any number of opportunities of volunteering in any community.

Don't let being an introvert prevent you from retiring.

One quote that helped me retire was "you don't want to be the richest person in the cemetery"