63 and still deep in parenthood and the “not good”

[haha]

My 22 year old daughter and her long term boyfriend spent Saturday putting together Halloween costumes. A group of the last may college graduates had purchased tickets to a halloween event at a brewery at a trendy part of Philly. Another parent agreed to drop them off. As I understand it they would grab an uber back. A couple of the ladies planed on sleeping over. I give the gym generation a their due -they don’t drive after partying. Although I said nothing - I am not a big fan of bars - further this old man knows that bad things happen after 1AM. Her choice was a movie character that include shorts, fishnet stockings and a shiney jacket.

This is so weird. This woman is 22. Whatever you are trying to corral very likely left the barn many years ago.

 

[MikeWillRetire]

I'm glad that when I was 22, my Dad had no internet.

 

[harley]

Normally I'd agree, but a 22 year old living still at home is (IMO) less of an adult than say a 21 year old living independently.

Maybe so, but she's still 22. All you can do at that point is give an opinion or kick her out.

I had plenty of regrettable nights in my teens and early 20's, but no hangover that lasted beyond 24 hours.

You must have had better judgement than I did , or a lower pass out level. I remember a few seriously painful multi-day hangovers. Doing what I did back then would probably kill me now. Back then it merely made me wish it would.

Truthfully, the symptoms Ray describes are just the results of a night of serious over drinking. Alcohol poisoning is a nasty condition, and can be deadly. It's not something you get over in a few hours. My guess is she just drank too much and doesn't want to admit it.

 

[rodi]

I agree it's probably a combo of bad hangover and possible food poisoning.

She's 22. She was responsible in that she didn't drive drunk. Would you rather she tried to hide all this from you?

The consequences of her actions (hangover) are probably enough that she'll be more careful about drinking in excess. Let her learn from her consequences. Let her be a grownup and stay out of it.

As for the son - you're paying for school - but let your son learn to manage his time and study habits. That's part of growing up - and sometimes it might involve failure to learn.

When I was young I had a few nights of too much drinking with the horrible hangover the next day... I learned I don't like being drunk (but tipsy, if I don't have to drive is ok) and I learned how to stop drinking before I got totally wasted. That's part of growing up... learning your limits.

I also had a few times where I procrastinated on homework and got in over my head... I learned not to do that, also.

Both lessons would not have been learned without failing first.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

I'm definitely in the camp of shots +/- food poisoning.

In a long (and distinguished) career of college boozing, I did the "dangerously too many shots" thing once. In retrospect, I probably should have had my stomach pumped.

That was not a one day hang over. I was sick for two days.

The scarier options of a date rape drug are possible, but less likely. Absent other evidence, I would go with the simpler option...she just drank way, way too much.

BTW -- no judgement. For all of my "been there, done that" realism, if my daughter did something similar I would be out of my head. Its not even hypocrisy...its just everyone doing their job. Kids are supposed to do stupid things. Parents are supposed to worry about them.

 

[rayinpenn]

BTW -- no judgement. For all of my "been there, done that" realism, if my daughter did something similar I would be out of my head. Its not even hypocrisy...its just everyone doing their job. Kids are supposed to do stupid things. Parents are supposed to worry about them.

+1 ..

1. There is nothing to be gained by interrogating her or her friends. Doing so makes me uncomfortable. I figure a valuable lesson was learned.. an avoidable one no doubt but “let he who has not sinned cast the first stone” - and that isn’t this old man.

2. I’ll never know for sure what happened- Two days later her stomach still queasy and still has a headache... I’m thinking food poisoning.

3. My reason for posting- I started late in the game - there’s and incredible amount of experience in this forum. Plus I always think it brings a smile to some and the thought “been there done that”

4. With regard to ‘hovering’ over my son. I heard from the Mrs. he was struggling with history. My only two lines texted to him in the last 2 weeks: “I assume you are giving history your full attention “ answer: “yes” “how is everything else going?” Answer : “the only class I’m struggling with is history ...all the rest are fine”. My second question was more about college life in general but he didn’t read it that way i didn’t want to pester him. The Mrs has the more regular weekly contact.

That in my opinion is about as far from hovering as one can get. Since history is pretty much the retention of facts I am annoyed but I recognize it is his deal... It is however the Mrs and my hard earned money so We “have skin in the game”.

As to my daughter I told her yesterday said I heard there’s a bar in philly with an party open bar.. “I’ll gladly buy you some tickets?”

 

[ivinsfan]

LOL if you don't think texting your kid about his history class is pestering, you and I have a difference of opinion.


My kids are 39 and 37 and I knew nothing about their grades after 10 grade. They were in college before the cell phone wave really began and in the occasional email or phone call I'd ask How is the cafeteria food and are you making friends, and maybe did you get your flu shot.

Your comment about having skin in the game because it's your "hard earned" money is your opinion. In fact he's the one with skin in the game and if he screws up you can stop giving him money. I believe this kind of interaction with college kids makes them less likely to be upfront and honest with you when they do have problems.

 

[travelover]

I'm glad that when I was 22, my Dad had no internet.

We were poor, too.

 

[bclover]

+1 ..



3. My reason for posting- I started late in the game - there’s and incredible amount of experience in this forum. Plus I always think it brings a smile to some and the thought “been there done that”

4. With regard to ‘hovering’ over my son. I heard from the Mrs. he was struggling with history. My only two lines texted to him in the last 2 weeks: “I assume you are giving history your full attention “ answer: “yes” “how is everything else going?” Answer : “the only class I’m struggling with is history ...all the rest are fine”. My second question was more about college life in general but he didn’t read it that way i didn’t want to pester him. The Mrs has the more regular weekly contact.

That in my opinion is about as far from hovering as one can get. Since history is pretty much the retention of facts I am annoyed but I recognize it is his deal... It is however the Mrs and my hard earned money so We “have skin in the game”.

As to my daughter I told her yesterday said I heard there’s a bar in philly with an party open bar.. “I’ll gladly buy you some tickets?”

Starting early, late or some where in between, lol kids always have and i suspect always will baffle their parents.

Do you remember that old United Negro college fund commercial, it became very popular "A mind is a terrible thing to waste"?

My hubby used to tell the minions "I don't give a rats backside about your mind, MY MONEY is a terrible thing to waste". Boy #1 once got a D on a history paper about the civil rights movement. Now we were sort of baffled because his Grandmother was a civil rights attorney in Tennessee and 4 uncles who were in SNCC and did the whole lunch counter sit in thing?
humm son, pretty much all you had to do was take the 2 train downtown and go see one of your uncles? really!!


Keep the faith Ray, you know how folks say they don't want to be a burden to their kids not me, I intend to be a huge burden to my sons in my old age.

 

[bclover]

LOL if you don't think texting your kid about his history class is pestering, you and I have a difference of opinion.


My kids are 39 and 37 and I knew nothing about their grades after 10 grade. They were in college before the cell phone wave really began and in the occasional email or phone call I'd ask How is the cafeteria food and are you making friends, and maybe did you get your flu shot.

Your comment about having skin in the game because it's your "hard earned" money is your opinion. In fact he's the one with skin in the game and if he screws up you can stop giving him money. I believe this kind of interaction with college kids makes them less likely to be upfront and honest with you when they do have problems.

REALLY? wow you are good.

I went to the University of Pitt. my first term was a disaster, my mother who did not drive, got on a greyhound bus from NYC to Pittsburgh and met me in the lobby of the towers dorm to inform me if I thought I was going to continue getting C's and C- I had another thought coming, life as I knew it was going to be ending.
My parents seriously knew the grades of all 4 kids who were in college.

I'm with Ray on this one. no way no how are you going through my college tuition and I'm not seeing some grades. Now whether or not they choose to not be honest is on them but yeah, no way do I simple write a check without some information. how would you know if they screwed up if they don't tell you how they are doing?
LOL, heck I called my niece a few weeks ago to find out who her chemistry professors are and how did she do on her midterms.

it's all good, different styles for different folks.

Heck, at 47 when I went to visit my dad once I moved to Philly, if I went out at night I told him where I was going, who I was going with and when I was coming in. he was a retired cop and use to tell us, "you come into this house and I'm not expecting you, I'm shooting first asking questions later". now I'm sure he was joking...maybe...

 

[ivinsfan]

REALLY? wow you are good.

I went to the University of Pitt. my first term was a disaster, my mother who did not drive, got on a greyhound bus from NYC to Pittsburgh and met me in the lobby of the towers dorm to inform me if I thought I was going to continue getting C's and C- I had another thought coming, life as I knew it was going to be ending.
My parents seriously knew the grades of all 4 kids who were in college.

I'm with Ray on this one. no way no how are you going through my college tuition and I'm not seeing some grades. Now whether or not they choose to not be honest is on them but yeah, no way do I simple write a check without some information. how would you know if they screwed up if they don't tell you how they are doing?
LOL, heck I called my niece a few weeks ago to find out who her chemistry professors are and how did she do on her midterms.

it's all good, different styles for different folks.

Heck, at 47 when I went to visit my dad once I moved to Philly, if I went out at night I told him where I was going, who I was going with and when I was coming in. he was a retired cop and use to tell us, "you come into this house and I'm not expecting you, I'm shooting first asking questions later". now I'm sure he was joking...maybe...

Good... I don't know, but my point is what good can a parent really do when the kid is living away from home and trying to find their way in the world. When do you stop pushing and checking on them? Now I never said I didn't see the grades I saw them at the end of semester. I had 2 girls and it wasn't easy to step back but I figured if I don't bug them about the little things they will come to us sooner if something they can't handle comes up.It's the chicken or the egg story, if you act like your kid can't take care of their own problem pretty soon they start to believe they can't handle it and wait for pushing and prodding and "help" from Mom and Dad.

MY youngest DD had a roomie whose Mother demanded a phone call every nite at 9 PM it was a landline and if the girl hadn't called by 915 the phone would be ringing off the hook why haven't you called me and what did you do today?

Ray's boy know he has to get moving on the history getting texts about isn't going to fix a darn thing.

 

[brett]

We really never cared if our son got C's in university. What we cared about was that he was learning, experiencing new things, learning to be independent, etc.

His grades were his business. As long as he got through and graduated we were happy. He knew what kind of grades/performance were required for post graduate work.

Likewise, my parents never asked for my grades. They realized that they could not spoon feed me and that I had to make a decision to do it or not do it. But the decision was mine.

I interviewed and hired folks from university. It was very easy to tell who had been coddled and spoiled vs who had passed over the line and become independent. We hired the latter types into IT. We wanted people who could do it on their own and did not require, want, or expect constant hand holding. Grades were not important to us either. We wanted a new hire who could learn and one who had finished a course of study and graduated. Not so much for the diploma or certificate but for the fact that he or she finished a life project successfully without giving up or abandoning it.

I really think that we do our children a dis service by not letting go and allowing them to move forward with their lives.

 

[athena53]

I'm with Ray on this one. no way no how are you going through my college tuition and I'm not seeing some grades. Now whether or not they choose to not be honest is on them but yeah, no way do I simply write a check without some information. how would you know if they screwed up if they don't tell you how they are doing?

it's all good, different styles for different folks.

Depends on the kid. A friend who taught at U. of IL at Champaign-Urbana told of one student whose parents called to see why they hadn't gotten any info on graduation since it was their child's 4th year. It turned out that the kid had just been using the checks to live it up and hadn't been registered for classes for years. My Ex never graduated either. He was a brilliant chemist (and got a good job anyway) but when he skipped graduation and his parents tried to get his diploma from CCNY they were told there WAS no diploma. I could just see my Ex blowing off some elective needed to graduate because it didn't interest him.

 

[RobbieB]

I am pleased to say that I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I got "puking drunk", but I'm also guilty of 2 of them being well after I was old enough to "know better"

Also have had food poisoning at least 5 times and the difference seems to be that drunk pukes are not accompanied by a case of the "trots" like food poisoning.

 

[FUEGO]

I went to college and therefore drank quite a bit (but mostly gave it up by age 18 or so ). Hangovers can last well into the next day. Or maybe it was just me and I'm a sissy. Or maybe it's alcohol poisoning because I drank a case of beer.

In any event I wouldn't immediately assume it was roofies since it's also consistent with the classic hangover (not from 2-3 drinks unless they were long island iced teas and extra large at that). I might take liberties with the truth and tell my parents I had a couple drinks at age 22 and not 10-12. As one who sometimes got up to trouble in my teens, I wouldn't believe someone would stay out till 2 am and only drink a couple alcoholic drinks over the course of what must have been 6-8 hours of partying. Could be sh1tty bar food that led to food poisoning too.

I'm glad I'm not at that point yet and not looking forward to it with my almost-teenage daughters.

 

[rayinpenn]

Ray's boy know he has to get moving on the history getting texts about isn't going to fix a darn thing.

Perhaps but in Spanish a D became a B - we suggested flash cards.

 

[rayinpenn]

We really never cared if our son got C's in university. What we cared about was that he was learning, experiencing new things, learning to be independent, etc.

His grades were his business. As long as he got through and graduated we were happy. He knew what kind of grades/performance were required for post graduate work.

Likewise, my parents never asked for my grades. They realized that they could not spoon feed me and that I had to make a decision to do it or not do it. But the decision was mine.

I interviewed and hired folks from university. It was very easy to tell who had been coddled and spoiled vs who had passed over the line and become independent. We hired the latter types into IT. We wanted people who could do it on their own and did not require, want, or expect constant hand holding. Grades were not important to us either. We wanted a new hire who could learn and one who had finished a course of study and graduated. Not so much for the diploma or certificate but for the fact that he or she finished a life project successfully without giving up or abandoning it.

I really think that we do our children a dis service by not letting go and allowing them to move forward with their lives.

Funny but in my firm I would say just to get an interview 3.3 gpa or better, from select schools as well. Actually for the very best firms that is quite common.

 

[ivinsfan]

Perhaps but in Spanish a D became a B - we suggested flash cards.

A study tip one thing texting what's happening with History is different, though maybe flash cards could work for history.

 

[Gumby]

I sure don't envy you guys with fledgling adults, trying to figure out the best approach. We never had any of our own, so I can't offer any parenting tips.

I can tell you that I left home and joined the Navy at 18, three weeks after graduating from high school. On that day, my dad shook my hand and said "good luck, Son". I didn't see or speak to him again for another ten years. I saw my mother no more than a half dozen times during that time. From that moment on, I was neither dependent on nor responsible to anyone but myself. My younger brother and sister took their leave in the same manner (actually, I think my brother was only 17), and their 5 children have done the same in their turn.

Although I know that most families are not like mine, it still seems odd to hear about 20-somethings living with their parents.

 

[Bigdawg]

I sure don't envy you guys with fledgling adults, trying to figure out the best approach. We never had any of our own, so I can't offer any parenting tips.

I can tell you that I left home and joined the Navy at 18, three weeks after graduating from high school. On that day, my dad shook my hand and said "good luck, Son". I didn't see or speak to him again for another ten years. I saw my mother no more than a half dozen times during that time. From that moment on, I was neither dependent on nor responsible to anyone but myself. My younger brother and sister took their leave in the same manner (actually, I think my brother was only 17), and their 5 children have done the same in their turn.

Although I know that most families are not like mine, it still seems odd to hear about 20-somethings living with their parents.

+1

 

[brett]

Same here. After a year in a local college I moved to a university quite some distance away. Never came back home after that. Worked summers in the new local and lived there.

My son went to university in our city but moved into his apt. with a girlfriend in his third year. That was that for him. Daughter was not much different.

 

[aja8888]

I sure don't envy you guys with fledgling adults, trying to figure out the best approach. We never had any of our own, so I can't offer any parenting tips.

I can tell you that I left home and joined the Navy at 18, three weeks after graduating from high school. On that day, my dad shook my hand and said "good luck, Son". I didn't see or speak to him again for another ten years. I saw my mother no more than a half dozen times during that time. From that moment on, I was neither dependent on nor responsible to anyone but myself. My younger brother and sister took their leave in the same manner (actually, I think my brother was only 17), and their 5 children have done the same in their turn.

Although I know that most families are not like mine, it still seems odd to hear about 20-somethings living with their parents.

Same story here as I was out at 17, worked for a while, then promised an all expense paid trip to SE Asia. After 4 years I went to college on the GI Bill. Never saw a dime fro my parents (they didn't have one anyway) and I moved out of state after graduation.

Our daughters made it through college and we paid some of the living costs, but they mostly did it on their own. I never saw grades or asked for them. Seems like they got over the partying once they had to work while in college and were paying for an apartment.

 

[ncbill]

Same story here as I was out at 17, worked for a while, then promised an all expense paid trip to SE Asia. After 4 years I went to college on the GI Bill. Never saw a dime fro my parents (they didn't have one anyway) and I moved out of state after graduation.

Yep, our '529 plan' consisted of asking each kid what branch of the U.S. military they'd like to serve in after graduation...

 

[brett]

I suspect that the bottom line is how deep do you want to be involved in parenthood at this stage of your children's lives and are you doing this for you or for them?

I think this cake is baked. How they slice and consume it is now up to them. You can flit on them until you are blue in the face but will that change their outcome or does it make you feel better?

 

[Breedlove]

Probably sad to say , never raised a girl but she probably had a bad hangover and didn't want to answer any of your questions so she stayed in bed .