Adult Children Still Living at Home?

[mountainsoft]

Do you still have an adult child living at home? Our daughter will be 28 next month and still lives at home. By now, I was kind of hoping for an empty nest, running around the house naked with my wife. But our daughter hasn't show any interest in moving out.

She works two minimum wage part time jobs. I doubt she could support herself on what she earns now. But again, she hasn't shown any motivation to look for better work. When we bring it up, we get the stink eye and "stop bothering me" responses.

I love her dearly, but she eats our food, uses our electricity and internet, and doesn't pay us a dime. She's got more money in her own checking than we do! Is it wrong to call your child a freeloader?

How do you lovingly boot your child out of the nest?

 

[Bigdawg]

Do you still have an adult child living at home? Our daughter will be 28 next month and still lives at home. By now, I was kind of hoping for an empty nest, running around the house naked with my wife. But our daughter hasn't show any interest in moving out.

She works two minimum wage part time jobs. I doubt she could support herself on what she earns now. But again, she hasn't shown any motivation to look for better work. When we bring it up, we get the stink eye and "stop bothering me" responses.

I love her dearly, but she eats our food, uses our electricity and internet, and doesn't pay us a dime. She's got more money in her own checking than we do! Is it wrong to call your child a freeloader?

How do you lovingly boot your child out of the nest?

Do you have an extra bedroom? I'll come over and eat your food and watch your T.V. Heck, I'll even drink your beer.

Seriously need a sit down and a 6-12 month plan for her to get the heck out. Obviously need the approval of the commander in chief (DW). Good luck.

 

[MBAustin]

We don't have this issue personally, but have friends that do/did. The ones that handled it best, IMHO, charged rent and/or board from the get-go and once child was gainfully employed and had money in the bank, set a specific date for them to leave (with some help with apartment deposit, etc.). The one that is still dealing with it (son is nearly 30) has been inconsistent about rent, etc., since he graduated from college. Son has moved out a couple of times but it didn't last long. They basically have been enabling his lack of stick-to-it-ive-ness with several good jobs that he quit on after short periods.

If she only has a HS diploma, she's not likely to move past minimum wage with any speed. Perhaps some career exploration at the local community college would help get her motivated in a positive direction. If she has education but isn't using it, I think a (or several) heart-to-heart talks with concern about her future are in order. Start off making it about her success rather than her freeloading, but obviously if nothing happens a different kind of talk will be needed. Good luck!

 

[Philliefan33]

I think you've made it too easy for her. She's not paying anything? Why would she leave?

Unless there are health issues or disabilities that you aren't sharing, 28 is too old to be living at home on mom & dad's dime. Unless she (or you) cannot live alone, it's time for her to grow up.

Time for you to take control. Have a sit down with her and let her know that as of June 1, she will have to contribute to room and board. Set some other conditions-- responsibilities around your house, curfews, whatever. If she balks about a curfew, claiming that she is an adult (and I bet she will), remind her that adults live on their own and pay their own bills. Do whatever you have to do to make her want to move out.

 

[RetireAge50]

You could start running around the house like you said, maybe that would work.

 

[MRG]

You could start running around the house like you said, maybe that would work.

A good friend made the threat the Wednesday was naked day. She said she and hubby would do it, no need, the threat worked,

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I agree with charging rent, making sure she does her share of the house and yard work while she is at home and working with her to develop a plan for her to move out on her own. You will be doing her a favor in the long run. You won't be around forever so teach her now while she can come to you on what one of our kids calls "adulting" skills - advice on car repairs, taxes, budgets, 401K, FICO scores, insurance, lease agreements, credit cards, etc.

 

[Lawrencewendall]

My 27 year old DS2 still lives at home. He will finish his B.S in 2 weeks with no college loans and start full time in IT management in 3 weeks. I'm happy to give him a leg up in these crazy times.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well you can call your DD a freeloader, but then you have to call you and your spouse enablers.

How did this happen?..there has to be part of the story you are not telling us...

 

[Fedup]

We don't have this problem. My kids are way too independent, have not lived at home since starting college. How about charging rent? Make them do housework in exchange for food. I'm always worried if my kids are getting spoiled because we can afford things, but it's not the money, it's I am ruining them for the rest of their life, they lose incentives if I subsidize them too much.

 

[Sunset]

You could start running around the house like you said, maybe that would work.

+1 That's EXACTLY what I was thinking..

 

[karen1972]

I honestly had this conversation with my parents as my brother tried to move home for like the 4th time (he's in his 50s). Its one thing to be supportive, another to be an enabler. You won't always be there and it is best they learn while you are alive so that IF they actually need you, you can be there for them. They need to learn to live on their own, pay bills, manage a budget, etc. One day you will be gone and the most important thing you can do is teach your children to stand on their own 2 feet.

Maybe you can start by increasing their chores. Make sure to teach them how to do regular home maintenance, etc. no time like the present. Involve them in the budgeting and grocery shopping so they are aware of what all this is costing you.

 

[rodi]

I agree that the issue is that you've made things too easy. You need to start charging rent and assigning household chores.

We had a nephew that we were helping out after college graduation. (He wanted to be on the west coast to look for a job in the entertainment industry.) We hooked him up with some friends of mine who worked in the industry and let him live here rent free. But gave him a 6 month deadline. He also had to make the family dinner 1 night a week and had to mop the kitchen floors 1x week. His mom thought we were being a bit harsh but agreed it was reasonable after some discussion.

At the six month mark, still no job (other than one job that my friend had hired him for) we gave him an ultimatum. Start paying rent. We knew he didn't have enough savings to pay rent without getting a job. Major family drama with his mom not speaking to us for about 3 months because we were being mean to her son. We pointed out starbucks was hiring and offered benefits.

Fortunately, he was smart - realized he could get a starbucks job in LA as easily as San Diego and if he could find a cheap enough rental - he'd be situated in a place ready to leap on gigs in his new field. It was a GREAT move. He was working consistently very quickly. 10 years later, he's still working in the industry and doing well.

The conversation where we gave him the ultimatum was challenging... and the fall out was intense. (him being mad at us, his mom being mad at us, his grandmother (DH's mom) wondering if we'd been mean to her grandson....)

I moved home briefly when I was 21. (rebound/yo-yo kid). My parents immediately assigned chores, were in my daily business - complete with judgments, suggestions, and generally being annoying. I had curfews. I had house rules. The move home had been pre-agreed to be 6 months... I moved back out after 2.5 months.... amazing how motivated kids can be to move out if parents are in their business and making life miserable.

 

[mountainsoft]

If she only has a HS diploma, she's not likely to move past minimum wage with any speed.

She has a bachelors degree in English, paid for on our dime of course. I wasn't very supportive of her continuing college after her associates degree. I just didn't see it leading to anything. Wife felt otherwise, so we paid to have daughter get her bachelors. Now as I expected, daughter is working part time at a theater and as a receptionist, having nothing to do with her degree. Can I say I told you so? She wanted to continue to get her masters, I finally said no. If she wants to continue, she'll have to pay for it. Funny, she doesn't want to continue anymore...

 

[Texas Proud]

i agree with the charging of rent... but also for a meal plan...

Also have it stated up front when rent goes up... I would make it every 3 months.... but it goes up by a minimum of 50%...

So, you start with $300, with goes to $450 after 3 months (or even $600 if you want her to move quicker).... then $675 then over $1,000.... it will soon become clear that it is cheaper to move...


As to her attitude.... if my DW gave me the stink eye she would be out that day... I will not put up with being dissed in my own home (well, except from DW)....

 

[Sunset]

While it is great to help out a child when they are improving themselves with a better education, or in times of rare trouble, the child freeloading while working minimum jobs is hurting their future.

They don't internalize motivation, drive, responsibility, etc. and this will hurt them later when the free lunches are gone.

My BIL used to work, has an education, but then moved into parents home during a job loss, no need to pay rent.... so 20 YEARS later, he still is there, and basically never worked during that time. Still does not pay rent, or even for groceries.

 

[mountainsoft]

I think you've made it too easy for her. She's not paying anything? Why would she leave?

Oh, I agree, we've been too supportive and she has no reason to leave.

Any time I complain my wife reminds me that I lived at home till I was 22. Sort of shuts me down, as I don't know how to respond. But, I was still six years younger than my daughter and making an effort to advance in life.

Time for you to take control. Have a sit down with her and let her know that as of June 1, she will have to contribute to room and board.

We've had multiple discussions with her, lots of emotions, but the next day it's like we never said anything. In one ear and out the other.

My wife and I keep saying we're going to start charging rent, but we're partly to blame as we haven't done that either. I wouldn't know how much to charge anyway.

I get that jobs are hard to find. I know rents are outrageous. I don't think it would bother me as much if she was at least trying, but she's not.

 

[mountainsoft]

You won't be around forever so teach her now while she can come to you on what one of our kids calls "adulting" skills

Yeah, that's one of my concerns right now. We're making plans to retire in six years, and part of making that happen is not having to support a third person in the household. She's not only stunting her own future, she's affecting ours.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

She has a bachelors degree in English, paid for on our dime of course. I wasn't very supportive of her continuing college after her associates degree. I just didn't see it leading to anything. Wife felt otherwise, so we paid to have daughter get her bachelors. Now as I expected, daughter is working part time at a theater and as a receptionist, having nothing to do with her degree. Can I say I told you so? She wanted to continue to get her masters, I finally said no. If she wants to continue, she'll have to pay for it. Funny, she doesn't want to continue anymore...

What we did for a young adult relative (not our kids but same age) was go through the certification programs at the local community college. They had some programs with 6 months training to ~$30K jobs. That is enough to live on with a roommate or two even in high COL areas. We also suggested the military.

 

[Fedup]

While it is great to help out a child when they are improving themselves with a better education, or in times of rare trouble, the child freeloading while working minimum jobs is hurting their future.

They don't internalize motivation, drive, responsibility, etc. and this will hurt them later when the free lunches are gone.

My BIL used to work, has an education, but then moved into parents home during a job loss, no need to pay rent.... so 20 YEARS later, he still is there, and basically never worked during that time. Still does not pay rent, or even for groceries.

I know a similar person from my SIL's side. His own brother has to pay for his dental implants. I think it's an embarrassment. Won't look for work but has an engineering degree from UCLA.

 

[UnrealizedPotential]

Any chance of getting your almost 28 year old daughter married off? That might get her out of the house.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Yeah, that's one of my concerns right now. We're making plans to retire in six years, and part of making that happen is not having to support a third person in the household. She's not only stunting her own future, she's affecting ours.

Our kids didn't turn into savers until they had to pay their own rent and other bills out of their paychecks. They are more careful with spending now that it is their money, though we paid for college and have helped with some big expenses like cars and health care.

 

[Sue J]

Both our sons lived here for a limited time after college graduation. From the first day it was stated and understood that they would pay a contribution to the household. We didn't need the money, but they needed to feel the weight of supporting themselves.

Some may think it's harsh, but we charged them a hefty percentage of their income. I think it was 35%-40%. Do your own laundry and if you don't like what I'm cooking, make your own.

The contribution to the household was enough to make them feel it but also allowed them to save plenty for moving out. Neither son was a spendthrift or a partyer. We had no curfews or rules as they behaved like responsible adults. One son had some late nights but it was for work.

They each stayed a while and then successfully moved out. We are loving the empty nest!

 

[Bamaman]

Every family seems to have one member with the affinity to avoid working. Often they're depressive personaliities, bipolar or simply "good for nothing," unmotivated people.

My 29 year old daughter is bipolar and downright unpleasant to be around. She had Section VIII housing but chose to crash on our couch for 10 months. Being a realist, it's doubtful she's really employable. I bought a 2800 square foot house in a really nice neighborhood for $105K--TO GET HER OUT OF OUR HOUSE. Worse comes to worse, I can evict her and make good money selling that house.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well OP, the common denominator between this and the caring for an elderly parent thread you started is your spouse Chew on that for a while.When you say you want your 28 year old out of the house, she says you lived with your parents until you were 22, what the heck does that have to do with anything. When it comes to her Mother, she decides how much time goes to her Mother, even when you say it's affecting your life negatively.

Uh, I think you and your spouse need to have a serious talk, not just about your daughter but about why your wishes don't seem to count for much. If her Mom wanted DD out on her own, your DD would be looking for an apartment. It's two against one and it's not the two your think it is.