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Re: dated rape
Old 04-10-2007, 04:29 PM   #21
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Re: dated rape

there's pretty much not a lot i can say that i haven't said, not much she hasn't already heard. i have tried numerous times to get her involved in support groups & to go for professional counsel. time & again she refuses. i can't even get her to join a gym. so the concensus seems to indicate that all i can do is watch her suffer.
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Re: dated rape
Old 04-10-2007, 04:55 PM   #22
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Re: dated rape

And try to find a way to get a little more emotional distance from the situation. I don't mean this to sound cruel, but you can't allow her drama to throw your life into chaos too.

Editied to note that I do think you are being supportive and helpful, as you should be, but ultimately everyone has to make a choice whether or not to define themselves as a "victim", and you can't let her choices drag you down.
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Re: dated rape
Old 04-10-2007, 05:04 PM   #23
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Re: dated rape

Quote:
Originally Posted by yelnad
As a victim of rape, I'm begging you to support her and her wishes and do not try to interfere. I'm sure he has a different idea of what happened, but that doesn't mean you should break her confidence.
I could not agree more. Rape is such a personal event and one that carries with it so many other overtones. A former girl friend was a victim as was my wife (before we met). Please respect her wishes.

However, if I were to ever meet the #$%@!(&* that did this to my wife I am not sure what would happen. I know that it would be worse for her if I did anything but the anger within me boils when I think of what he did.

Contrary to what some have said....good guys don't rape.
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Re: dated rape
Old 04-10-2007, 05:48 PM   #24
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Re: dated rape

I wouldn't be surprised if the guy doesn't even remember the event. You gave few details so we can only be left to wonder if she was violated on a visit to his apartment after mucho alcohol or thrown in the back seat of his car after she accepted an innocent ride home. She may have been fully engaged until the next morning. I don't want to sound cruel but the woman does respond differently and may view her participation differently the next day.

I searched my memory for any possible similar events. I can't think of any but I wasn't the potential person violated. I know of two that were PO'd I didn't marry them; but until that aspect was clear, they didn't have any problem with other activities. After that, it was a clean break. It would be nice to get a signed release but who does? If she had been drinking would it be valid?

My recommendation is to focus on her getting a real way to come to terms with her mental situation. I don't see any way the guy will be a help. If he did it intentionally, he'll deny it all. If it was a "normal" score to him, he'll be shocked that she now thinks it was forced.
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Re: dated rape
Old 04-10-2007, 10:44 PM   #25
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Re: dated rape

thanx for concern but my friend's suffering effects me as deeply yet as distantly as third world poverty or global warming. fortunately designed for self-preservation, my happiness runs parallel to pain, not intertwined with it, so there is little chance of choking there. just because i might draw you into my prose doesn't mean i'm taken in by it. you know how we gays love our drama.

still, i do find myself perplexed at the practical complacency of consensus. to do nothing but offer a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold when what my friend requires is shock therapy.

i think it is less likely that no good guy ever raped and more likely that every saint was first a sinner. for how long do you hold onto a grudge & to what end does that serve?

it's not a recent rape. it is a dated rape. a twenty five year old open wound. my friend was heading into town when she saw a shirtless guy with a great body jogging along the street. when she looked in her rear view mirror on passing she realized it was our friend. she stopped to say hi. he asked her out on a date. he had wanted her since we were children but as a kid he thought she was involved with me. during the years, among our friends there was dancing with different partners, but these two never hooked up.

after the date she went back to his place, but she states she was only there as a friend on a date, not as a lover. they did drink and i don't know what else. they had never had sex before. she stated that when she wanted to leave he forced himself on her. she did not give me a lot of details after that & i do not know how much foreplay there was prior.

they were both young and both drunk and they both liked each other, though i guess he liked her more than she liked him. i do not imagine that this guy ever did this before or since. i do know what a sincerely caring person this guy normally is. we had a truly great group of friends. my presumption is that this was simply a mistake of youth.

i think he would remember. she told me that after the violation, when she was leaving his place, he said he'd call her but he never did. they hadn't seen each other again and were never again in the same room until we were all together two years ago. and soon we will be together again.
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Re: dated rape
Old 04-11-2007, 02:14 AM   #26
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Re: dated rape

well, i tend to be a bud-insky myself when it comes to my close friends.

i think the cautionary tone was mostly in terms of confronting the guy.

in terms of your friend, it seems she could use some tools on finding perspective and learning how to move on from past traumas- it takes a lot of energy to be angry and hold grudges. she is eating up a good part of her life that way.

perhaps a good book about that would help prod her thinking? then she can take it at her own pace - if in fact she does want to "move on"/find some resolution etc. some people don't - and as you say if she clings to these wounds - it will be a long road until she can form new mental and emotional "habits"...i wouldn't make it about the rape - but just her general life approach to how she sees the value of her experiences in the present and what she wants in the future.

good luck!!!
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