Disconnecting from dysfunctional family members

[Bimmerbill]

I just bought a book: "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Mason and Kreger. Up until a month ago, I never even heard of BPD.

I have a very close relationship with my siblings and mother, even some cousins.

 

[Brat]

My personal opinion:

Infrequent short visits with the children- like a couple hours max. Plan an activity such as visiting the local zoo. Never ever leave the company of your child if you believe they may have contact with a dysfunctional family member. A parent's obligation is to protect their children from harm.

The kids won't get a good understanding until they are in their teens. Think through an age appropriate explanation if the child senses conflict or craziness, or even asks about why you don't visit.

The comment about the dysfunctional family member showing up on your doorstep is excellent once a child might be home alone. My sister is a problem to my brother & I, each of us moved into a building that is like Fort Knox. She can't sweet-talk or bully her way past the desk.

 

[haha]

I just bought a book: "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Mason and Kreger. Up until a month ago, I never even heard of BPD.

I have a very close relationship with my siblings and mother, even some cousins.

OK, you don't buy a book like this because you happened to hear the term borderline personality disorder. Come up and whack you on the head?

I strongly recommend that anyone who is struggling with a female example of this genre rent the French film Betty Blue. And prepare to get a bad stomach ache, and a bad headache too. And maybe a little diarrhea to cement the point.

Ha

 

[Bimmerbill]

I'm not sure I have to rent the movie, I think I may have lived it!

 

[Purron]

OK, you don't buy a book like this because you happened to hear the term borderline personality disorder. Come up and whack you on the head?

I strongly recommend that anyone who is struggling with a female example of this genre rent the French Betty Blue. And prepare to get a bad stomach ache, and a bad headache too. And maybe a little diarrhea to cement the point.

Ha

I saw Betty Blue years ago. I remember it well. It's an excellent film even though the story is very depressing. I second Ha's recommendation to see this film.

In reading though these posts, I have come to the conclusion that one of my former co-workers probably had BPD. I looked up the symptoms and her behavior was a textbook case. I'm happy to be away from her and thankful no one in my family has this condition.

My heart goes out to those with dysfunctional family members. My older brother had some bad problems years ago. He was always broke, couldn’t keep a job, and went through a series of disastrous relationships. It was very stressful (not to mention expensive) to DH, mom and I since we love him dearly.

He met a good woman who got him squared away. My mom and I joke about how he now does everything we begged him to do like save money and take care of his health. Just shows you love can work wonders! I adore her and am so grateful for what she's done for him. He's now financially secure and very happy. BTW, he really helped her too. When they met, she was a sales clerk at Sears. He supported her while she got her degree in accounting. She passed the CPA exam on the first try and now makes big bucks.

 

[haha]

Very nice story Purron. I am glad it worked out so well for both of them, and for your entire family.

As for myself, I have determined that the only antidote to these people is iron boundaries. For a man dealing with a BPD woman, the biggest problem is not getting seduced, because these women seem to have sex down really well.

I went to a therapist. She said you need better boundaries. I said, sorry, I don't know what you mean. And that started my recovery. I am still kind of an idiot, but not quite so bad.

Ha

 

[Texas Proud]

Man.... I am glad I am like one of the earlier posts and do not have to deal with this in my family... we get along very well except for a brother who has decided to live on his own for whatever reason... (truefully, we do not know why he stopped coming to visit etc., and has even slowed down the calls to mother.... sad...)..

 

[Letj]

Thanks all for responding to my question on how to deal with toxic family members when you have children. I have some downright crazies in my family who I try very hard to stay away from but I feel so guilty when I go back to my home town and I have to keep the children away. I've actually had situations where my mother would actually bad mouth me to my own little children; mostly telling them that I don't care about her.

 

[Brat]

IMHO set limits. Remind her that you control her access to your children, that if she bad mouths ANYONE in the presence of your kids she can't see them. If you hear her doing that leave. Don't feel guilty, you are protecting your children. If you get the "I'm sorry" consider saying that the two of you will discuss it later, then do that.

 

[FIREd]

I strongly recommend that anyone who is struggling with a female example of this genre rent the French Betty Blue. And prepare to get a bad stomach ache, and a bad headache too. And maybe a little diarrhea to cement the point.

Ha

I had "Betty" as a roommate during my first year of graduate school.

 

[Orchidflower]

I knew lots of people's families are dysfunctional but I would hate to think that your 98/2 statistic reflects the true state of affairs.

Don't give me credit for that statistical quote of 98/2%. Give it to John Bradshaw who's written tons of books and had a tv program on helping folks like Dr. Phil has. You can find his books in any book store in the self-help section.
Went out with him in Houston, and he gave me that little quote. I've been stealing it ever since to use.

 

[M Paquette]

I've served in submarines with at least two of those guys, and I'm not talking about Ghandi...

Oog. We had one on board who finished a run 'under restraint.' I didn't know that the corpsman had a supply of straitjackets and enough horse tranquilizer to keep someone down for 'the duration'. There was a whole lot of 'who's next' for the rest of the run.

I guess he wasn't 'borderline' any more.

Of course, this was all in the interest of avoiding a really hostile workplace, and I'm not sure it would be justified for handling Uncle Ray should he get a bit rambunctious at the next Thanksgiving dinner.

 

[freebird5825]

I just read through the wikipedia description of BPD. I kept looking for my exMIL's photo there.

I married into an extremely dysfunctional family, and was astounded at how the mother would manipulate the father and the 4 siblings. I smartly walked away from the button-pushing and then avoided her completely unless we were all in public. That approach never failed me.

I always told my late huband "You must have been hatched" because he just couldn't be related to these people.

 

[Fireup2020]

Please tell me I'm not the only person on this board who likes my parents and siblings.

Nope - mine are enjoyable and functional as well! Brother is an idiot - but not in the drama sense - he's just the little brother, and it is my job to dislike him - but I'd do nearly anything for him if requested!

Very relieved I do not have energy sucking relatives as many here do. Wishing you all the best!

 

[Nords]

Oog. We had one on board who finished a run 'under restraint.' I didn't know that the corpsman had a supply of straitjackets and enough horse tranquilizer to keep someone down for 'the duration'. There was a whole lot of 'who's next' for the rest of the run.

They don't call it the "silent service" for nothing...

I always thought that the "special" boats should get some sort of extra-special pay to make up for the special situations they kept getting into.

 

[Orchidflower]

Am I the only one wondering how many guys on submarines lose it each year on a voyage and get the straitjacket treatment? I always wondered about that, by the way.

 

[dex]

Am I the only one wondering how many guys on submarines lose it each year on a voyage and get the straitjacket treatment? I always wondered about that, by the way.

I was also wondering if vitamin D deficiency has been recognized as an issue and is it being addressed.

 

[DangerMouse]

I come from a severely disfunctional family. However, I never felt a need to let them know that I think they are a bunch of nutters, basically all I did was not make any effort to contact my mother or one of my siblings and sure enough I don't hear from them. Saw my sister last year for the first time in 7 years, there is no connection between us and I don't feel the need to try and pretend and maintain any contact. If my mother was to die tomorrow I don't even know if I would bother turning up to the funeral. I see family as being more of an accident of birth rather than having to have lifetime chains to connect us all.

 

[Khan]

I come from a severely disfunctional family. However, I never felt a need to let them know that I think they are a bunch of nutters, basically all I did was not make any effort to contact my mother or one of my siblings and sure enough I don't hear from them. Saw my sister last year for the first time in 7 years, there is no connection between us and I don't feel the need to try and pretend and maintain any contact. If my mother was to die tomorrow I don't even know if I would bother turning up to the funeral. I see family as being more of an accident of birth rather than having to have lifetime chains to connect us all.

Haven't been to a family funeral since 1967. Likely never will again.

 

[haha]

My family was no bed of roses, but there never has been and never will be any kind of disconnection. I admit that my life got a bit easier when my parents died, although I grieved deeply anyway.

Anthropologists will tell us that around the world, kinship ties are the first line of defense for families and individuals.

If (when) America starts letting us fend for ourselves more, perhaps we will understand why keeping ties is often worth it, even from a purely selfish POV.

USA is a uniquely atomized society and perhaps this is one reason why in spite of good overall conditions the signs of deep social pathology are everywhere

Ha

 

[Khan]

I would prefer taxes & medicare to living with any of my #$%^ relatives.

 

[haha]

I would prefer taxes & medicare to living with any of my #$%^ relatives.

Yes, I believe you have made that clear.

Ha

 

[Martha]

The French movie Betty Blue is perhaps the definitive portrait of a borderline woman, and the havoc she wreaks on herself, the man who loves her, and almost anyone else who comes into her line of fire. I used to fall for this type, thank God I am finally over that.

Are these people mostly women, or is it just that BPD women attract more artistic atention?

Ha

Men get called sociopaths.

Women get called borderline.



There probably is sexism in diagnosis and a bunch of learned behavior that fits cultural sex role expectations.

 

[Letj]

My family was no bed of roses, but there never has been and never will be any kind of disconnection. I admit that my life got a bit easier when my parents died, although I grieved deeply anyway.

Anthropologists will tell us that around the world, kinship ties are the first line of defense for families and individuals.

If (when) America starts letting us fend for ourselves more, perhaps we will understand why keeping ties is often worth it, even from a purely selfish POV.

USA is a uniquely atomized society and perhaps this is one reason why in spite of good overall conditions the signs of deep social pathology are everywhere

Ha

I have to agree with you. I spend some of my life in a communal society in the developing world and off course there was a lot of conflict (sadly this is just the way humans naturally are) but there was a lot less social pathology. I think this is mainly due to the fact that people rely on each other for both emotional and financial support. Family bonds are also very tight because in non-western societies, it doesn't matter what a family members does or how a family member behaves, you still need to love them just because they're your family/relative.

 

[rescueme]

Haven't been to a family funeral since 1967. Likely never will again.

Truly, I do understand your feelings on this subject.

My father (not a DF in the broadest sense) passed more than a few years ago.

While our relationship was certainly strained (had not talked to him in over 20 years, when he decided to form his "new family”) and there was certainly no love between us, I did feel an "obligation" that my son (his grandson) see that his grandfather had passed.

We went to the funeral home early (I called, and made them aware of our situation. Much to my surprise, they did not think this an "abnormal" family situation at all).

My DW/DS/me went to view him in his casket. I do remember standing in front of his remains and cursing him (not vocally, but mentally) of the "injustices" that he had put upon me (and my family) over the years.

I walked out of the funeral home with a great load lifted from my shoulders.

He was dead; I was released from the "bad times".

Sometimes, it's good to have those final farewells. Not for the deceased, but for your state of mind, and your life. That's what counts.

Just my thoughts...